"No, Haymitch, you have to wait here." Doctor Haltman said.
When he tried to step in anyway, Haymitch was firmly pushed back in the corridor. He stood there, everything suddenly calm around him again, the image of Effie rolling away on a gurney with speckles of blood staining her pants seared on his eyelids.
A hand squeezed his shoulder and he nearly jumped to the ceiling but it was only Johanna, with a frown on her face, wearing her hospital gown for once. "I saw them roll her by, what's going on?"
"Katniss got shot and Effie collapsed." he summed up, completely lost. "I think she's losing the baby."
And that was when everything sank in and he felt the need to sit down.
There was no convenient chair in that part of the hospital, no cozy place in which to wait for news, so he simply sat down right there, in the middle of the corridor. Johanna hesitated slightly before sitting down right next to him with a good amount of wincing. He should have felt bad to force a still recovering woman to sit on the floor with him.
"Is it a bad thing?" she shrugged. "You can't tell me you want a kid, Haymitch."
Swallowing was hard, breathing was even worse. The tremors in his hands were so bad they kept shaking even when he closed them in fists. He wanted a drink. He needed a drink.
"He's mine." he whispered. "They're mine."
It was too late to not get attached. He was already attached. He had seen the strange shape on the ultrasound screen, he had heard the heartbeat… He had joked with Effie about boys and girls… He had spent nights staring at her stomach and trying to convince himself that it could actually be good after the war, they could have a future, start over… It was real, it was happening. His daughter or his son was already there.
Fortunately, Johanna didn't argue. She simply stayed where she was, sitting close enough that their shoulders were touching, occasionally sneering or glaring at people who were passing by and looked down at them with disapprobation.
He didn't know how long had passed when Plutarch showed up but it couldn't be long because he was still clutching the same papers he did when Effie had collapsed.
"We have Two under control and Katniss is alive." the Gamemaker said as soon as he saw them. Haymitch couldn't help but reflect on his priorities. "She will be completely fine. Bruised ribs and probably her concussion again but nothing too dire. They're bringing her back on a hovercraft as we speak. How's Effie?"
Haymitch buried his face in his hands.
Relief for his girl and dread for his lover clashing in his chest.
"We don't know yet." Johanna finally answered for him. "But you know Trinket… She likes a fuss. She's probably just doing this for the attention."
It was a joke. Effie and Johanna were always bickering, fighting when not downright insulting each other but, deep down, there was an odd friendship there. Haymitch knew it was a joke. Yet he couldn't help himself.
"Shut up." he warned her in a growl. "Just… Shut up."
A flicker of irritation flashed in her eyes but Johanna had known him for years, she was one of his kids in a way, he had taken her in just like he had Finnick, and she probably guessed that what he was going through at that precise moment was worse than anything he had faced for a very, very long time.
"She's much too annoying to die." Johanna replied. "You know that."
Her attempts at comfort fell short.
"I need to go back to Command." Plutarch said, placing a sympathetic hand on Haymitch's shoulder. "I'm sure she will be alright, Haymitch. Doctor Haltman is very good at what she does. Keep me updated, please."
He left and they waited for what felt like hours but couldn't have been more than minutes. At some point, Finnick and Annie showed up and sat with them without a word.
They must have looked very silly, Haymitch mused. A bunch of victors sitting on the floor, waiting for news of an escort, praying she would still be alive at the end of the night…
"I will go check on your brainless bird." Johanna offered when a soldier came to inform him that Katniss was back in Thirteen and under heavy medication. He wondered if it was the appeal of morphling or genuine good intentions that motivated the young woman.
"She's going to be fine." Finnick said after Annie had gone in search of Johanna who was taking her time coming back.
"I can't lose her." He didn't know where the words came from and he didn't know why they slipped so easily from his mouth when he had so much difficulties telling Effie he cared about her.
"You won't." Finnick promised. "She's strong."
Not really, he wanted to answer, she simply pretends to be for everybody's sake. However, there was no explaining that to Finnick, just like there would be no point in telling Johanna or Katniss or Peeta.
"Fuck, I'm too old for this…" he mumbled, pressing the heel of his hand into his face hard enough to hurt. "I need a drink."
Four's victor wisely didn't reply to that, not even when the women came back with reassuring tales about Katniss' sure recovery. When Haltman finally stepped out in the corridor, Haymitch jumped to his feet – and almost tumbled over Johanna in the process because he forgot he wasn't a young man anymore.
"Is she alive?" was the first question that popped out. Perhaps it was the only one of importance.
"Yes." the doctor was quick in nodding, placing a reassuring hand on his arm. "She lost some blood so we had to transfuse her. I was concerned for a while with…" She must have seen the tired look on his face because she cut the explanations short. "She's alive and she's not in any danger right now."
He very nearly sat down again just to let that information sink in.
"And the baby?" Finnick cleared his throat.
"She didn't lose it but…" Haltman winced. "You have to understand it was a very near-miss and I can't guarantee it won't happen during the next forty-eight hours. If everything goes right and she doesn't miscarriage, I want her on bed rest for at least two weeks. I don't want her vertical before that. After that, we will see, but I'm forbidding her to go anywhere near Command until she gives birth." Her entire speech was lost on Haymitch. He was focused only one thing: they were both alive. His… family. The term was almost foreign. "She's asleep for now but if you want to go sit with her…"
"Yes." he nodded before he could even think about it.
They didn't let him in at once though. There was a lot of talking about cleaning her up and transferring her to another room so in the end, when he was tired of waiting in the corridor under the watchful eyes of the other victors and feeling like a fool for having over-reacted as he had done, he simply used the time to check on Katniss. True to Johanna's words, her doctors were very confident in her recovery and even though she was drugged out of her mind, she looked alright. Johanna promised she would keep an eye on her, he supposed the appeal of free morphling was too tempting.
Effie, on the other hand, when he was finally allowed in her room, didn't look alright at all. She looked pale and weak, still asleep. The covers were hiding the baby bump and, as stupid as it was, he checked out it was still there as soon as he was left alone with her. He felt stupid when he placed his hand on her stomach and even more stupid when he felt his throat close up.
"You just hang on tight in there." he whispered. How much of a fool was he to talk to the bump on her stomach? He felt ridiculous – ridiculous and sentimental which was never good. He did want that child after all, how silly was that? Or at least, he wanted that child to have a chance to live. It was selfish and probably a mistake and yet…
He put the covers back into place and slumped on the uncomfortable chair, studying her sleeping figure. What were they in for?, he wondered. What would happen to her and the baby if that war went south and Snow caught them? It was a moot point, probably. Effie was as doomed as he was if it came down to that. She was a traitor to the Capitol, being his… partner, lover, sweetheart… He didn't know how to label what she was to him… Nevertheless, it wouldn't make much of a difference. But the child? Oh, the child… People could use that child against them, to hurt them, to destroy them.
He didn't know what worried him more… Being shattered to pieces again or someone using his baby to do it. A part of him couldn't shake off the feeling of foreboding, another part craved alcohol on a permanent basis and there was another tiny one that yearned to help make a better world to raise that child in. It was as idiotic as thinking you could ever win the Games – there was no winning, only surviving – but old dreams and desires were coming back from a time long gone. He had let himself dream about kids once, mainly because his girl had wanted some, they had even joked about possible names…
"Haymitch…"
He startled a little, his unfocused gaze turning to her at once. Her blue eyes were the most beautiful thing he had seen in a long time, probably because he had thought he would never see them again.
"Are you in pain?" he asked.
She shook her head, obviously fighting the last remnants of sleep. She looked confused. "What… What happened?" Her eyes widened then and she moved as if to sit up abruptly but he was quicker. He bolted out of that chair and pressed on her shoulder to keep her lying down before she could do something that would hurt the baby. She stilled under his hand. "Katniss?"
The question was desperate. She had that look in her eyes… The same that she always got when a tribute died.
"She's fine." he replied, sitting down carefully at the edge of the bed. "Bruised, that's all. Cinna was a clever man."
She breathed out but her relief didn't last long. Her hand shot for her stomach and she stared at him with utter horror. "The baby…"
"He's fine too but… It was a close call, sweetheart." He brushed his fingers against her cheek before catching the hand she had placed on her stomach. "You need to rest."
She nodded thoughtfully for a few seconds. "It's my fault. I got upset and…"
Her eyes were full of tears she was trying more or less successfully to keep in check. He hated it when she cried. "If it's someone's fault, it's Katniss'. I swear that girl will be the death of me… Can't she ever do what she's told?"
It was a familiar discussion and, usually, she would have replied that he was the wrong person to lecture anyone about listening to advices. She gave him a small smile but it was wobbling a little and it didn't reach her eyes.
"I want the baby." she whispered. "I wasn't sure before but now I… I really want the baby, Haymitch. I love him already."
Some tears spilled down on her cheek and she averted her eyes as if she felt guilty over that sudden epiphany. She probably did.
"It's okay." he promised, brushing her tears away with his thumb. She wasn't supposed to get upset, how many times would he have to repeat her that? "Nobody is going anywhere. We made a deal."
"A deal?" she frowned. "With who?"
He pointed to her stomach, knowing he was completely ridiculous but willing to do everything he could to make her relax and forget to worry. "She stays in there a little longer and Mommy will buy her a pony. I'm not paying for a pony but you're the kind of woman who would."
It was the first thing that popped through his head but he could perfectly picture it. A miniature Effie pleading with him for a pony and Effie giving in because… Why not? They didn't know what the baby was yet, boy or girl. Haymitch thought he would rather like a girl.
"Mommy?" she whispered with something akin to awe.
"You like Mama better?" He lifted his eyebrows in honest curiosity. He didn't quite know why it seemed of vital importance at that second when there was a war happening right outside those walls but…
"No, no… I like Mommy." she grinned, rubbing the bump like she often did. He didn't think she realized she was even doing it. "Although we are not getting her a pony, Haymitch. What are you thinking? Silly, silly Daddy." She cooed the last part at her stomach.
He tried not to show how much the D-word made him want to throw up in sheer nerves.
"We're having a baby." he said firmly, to no one in particular – or maybe it was a statement to the universe. They were having a baby and nothing would happen to prevent that. For once, there would be no dramas, no death and no mishaps. For once, he wanted something good.
"We're having a baby." she echoed with a beaming smile.
The smile became less and less beaming over the course of the next few days until it downright turned into a perpetual crease on her brow.
She was bored to tears, restless and an actual pain in the ass. She complained all day long and begged for something to do even if it was only classing files – which would never happen since she had been shut out of anything remotely stressful and everything in Thirteen was stressful. Finnick and Annie often visited her, the youngest victor even sitting by her bedside for hours at a time, Prim and Mrs Everdeen stopped by now and then, even Johanna made a point of spending some time with her if only to mock the "devil's spawn" – Haymitch wasn't sure if he approved or disapproved the nickname because it was funny but insulting at the same time – and blow out some of her own restlessness by bickering with Effie. Haymitch spent as much of his own free time as he could in her room, dividing his attention between Command and the hospital to the point that Haltman had a cot put up in her room so he could get some sleep now and then.
She never did lose the baby but her doctor wasn't completely happy with her progress either. The kid was still smaller than he should be and Effie wasn't as strong as she would have liked.
So when he was paged to the hospital for an emergency a week and a half after Katniss was shot, he was sure it was bad news. He had perfected the trip from Command to the hospital to a ten minutes walk – through a lot of shortcuts and no less waving of his priority badge – he spent each of them that day conjuring hundreds of possible things that could have gone wrong. Complications with the pregnancy, another miscarriage scare… By the time he actually reached her room, he had convinced himself that she was either dying or already dead.
On retrospect, finding her laughing cheerfully with Johanna slumped on the foot of the bed was underwhelming.
There was no blood, no grim-faced doctors and no nurses running around. Seven's victor took one look at him and started cackling like a mad woman – which he had no doubt she was. "Oh, now, you're in trouble, Trinket."
Effie didn't seem worried at all by that observation, she greeted him with a large smile, her blue eyes twinkling in pleasure. She was beautiful – the thought struck him out of nowhere.
"Are you trying to give me a heart attack?" he growled. "Emergency paging is for emergencies. I know you're not the brightest bulb, sweetheart, but surely even you can grasp that."
She pursed her lips in annoyance and slightly tilted her head on the side. Her obvious irritation died down soon enough though and morphed into a crazy grin. "You have to feel this, Haymitch!" She waved him closer enthusiastically – so enthusiastically that he was honestly a bit scared.
He stepped closer warily, frowning when she grabbed his wrist and forced his hand on the now-round stomach. It was weird how bigger she had become in a few days only, it was almost as if accepting the fact that she wanted the child had made her body less… hostile to her pregnancy. She wasn't big by any standards but she was big for her, her stomach was all round.
"Do you feel the devil's spawn?" Johanna inched closer with a sneer that did a bad job at covering her curious expression. "It was kicking like crazy ten minutes ago."
"I would thank you not to call my child an it or by that ridiculous nickname." Effie huffed, guiding his hand on the other side of her baby bump. She grinned harder when she found the perfect spot. "Here! Do you feel the kick?"
He actually did.
It was… strange, to say the least. The kicking was faint yet something was definitely moving in there. His baby was moving in there.
"I apologize if I worried you but I couldn't let you miss this." She was almost bouncing with excitement. "It's the first time it's strong enough to be felt by someone else."
"I think the devil's spawn likes my cursing." Johanna added proudly.
"Is it normal ? Did you talk to Haltman?" he frowned.
"Perfectly normal." she laughed. "She scheduled an ultrasound at the end of next week. She will be able to tell us if it's a boy or a girl. You still want to know, don't you?"
"Yeah." he nodded absent-mindedly, following the kicking with his hands. It was oddly fascinating to feel the little pushes…
"Good." Effie grinned. "Oh, and don't be mad but I talked to Plutarch and I will be in charge of the wedding. Haltman says I can as long as I don't get too worked up about everything and I get proper rest. But seriously, Haymitch, they were going to leave the general organization to Plutarch and as much as I respect him, a wedding simply shouldn't be planned by a Gamemaker. It's absolutely ghastly and…"
"Wait, slow down. What wedding?" It was the first time he heard about a wedding and his mind immediately jumped to the kids. "If they think about forcing Katniss and Peeta to…"
"Don't be stupid." Johanna snorted. "Finnick and Annie are getting hitched."
"And I will be in charge of the whole thing!" Effie squealed.
"Which actually pleases her more than the actual wedding." Seven's victor rolled her eyes. "It goes to show how much of an egocentric bitch she is."
"Finnick and Annie are getting married and no one tells me?" he frowned, although that wasn't the important point, he figured. "You're not going back to work until that kid is born."
Effie's face hardened like it always did before a fight. "Johanna, could you give us a minute, please?"
"But that's the interesting part!" the young woman whined.
"Jo, out." he barked. They heard her cursing well after she had left the room. Haymitch made a mental note to make sure she didn't spend too much time with Katniss. He didn't need her to influence the girl, he already had enough troubles keeping her in line. "Haltman said you were on bed rest until further notice. How are you going to organize a wedding from your bed?"
"She says I can finally get out of bed in a few days." Effie snapped. "I did ask her opinion, I am not stupid."
"Aren't you?" he mocked. "'Cause the way I see it, sweetheart, you almost lost the kid because everything was too much for you to handle and now you…"
"Don't you dare imply it was my fault." she hissed. "My body…"
"Your body is a very convenient excuse." he retorted. "Truth is you can't wait to get out of here because you're bored and you're not thinking about the baby. You're selfish."
She didn't like the accusation. A dangerous glint shined in her eyes. "We are talking about my body."
"We are talking about our unborn child and if you can see the difference then I'm sorry." he scoffed. "It's easy for you. You're the one being there unconscious when I'm the one in the corridor wondering if your death will finally be the one to destroy what's left of me."
Her eyes widened and she gaped but he turned around and hurried out before he could say something else he didn't intend to.
He didn't come back to the hospital.
He sulked for days and, as several people pointed out very openly : it was truly ridiculous. He almost gave up and went to see her once but he was informed right at that moment that she actually was holding briefings about the wedding in her room, meeting several times a day with Annie and exchanging messages with Plutarch about the general organization. Apparently, she could do that from her bed and no one seemed to understand why it was a problem for him.
Perhaps none of them knew Effie like he did. She had the nasty habit of getting worked up over the smallest thing and he didn't see how that would help her not getting upset.
He stood his ground and stayed clear of the hospital. It didn't mean he had stopped checking up on her, simply that he now did so through Finnick and Plutarch.
Even though, he had a shock when he came back to his room five days after the fight to find a very pregnant Effie back in their bed, surrounded by papers, very obviously waiting for him. She glanced up when he walked in and gathered her notes as if it was completely normal.
"What are you doing here?" he barked, wondering if hers and Johanna's half-cooked plans about breaking out of the hospital had finally been put into motions. He wouldn't have been surprised to know Katniss had been involved if that was the case. The three of them were equally sick and tired with the white walls, the helpful nurses and the sullen doctors.
"I live here." she replied. "Or are we separated now? If that's the case, I'm afraid you will have to go and ask to be assigned a new compartment. After all, I couldn't be expected to know since you haven't talked to me in days. The baby and I are fine by the way, thank you for asking."
She was very, very angry. He could see it clearly at the way she was neatly piling sheet of paper after sheet of paper and at the clipped accent in her voice. She had some nerves being angry, he thought.
"Why aren't you in the hospital?" he insisted.
"Avoiding the main problem, aren't we? How unsurprising." she scoffed. "Doctor Haltman said I could go. Usual precautions apply : I am not supposed to overdo it, I am supposed to lie down at least two hours in the mornings and two to three hours in the afternoon, I am to report to the hospital at the smallest sign of pain or discomfort… Should I keep reciting the list or should I directly go to the rule about trying not to get too upset that is very hard to follow since the father of my child has been distinctly absent from my life for the past few days?"
"I'm not going to stand by and watch while you exhaust yourself to death and my kid with it." he retorted, finally closing the door behind him. What was he supposed to do? Head out? Avoid her forever? He shed his shirt and tossed it to the floor with an irritation that only grew when she glared at him.
"On a side note to our current argument, I expect you to clean this room, Haymitch. I won't live in a pigsty." she hissed, staring pointedly at the heaps of dirty clothes scattered all around – she had been absent for two weeks and he hadn't been keeping it up to her standards; she was such a neat freak, he was almost surprised she hadn't already cleaned it. "More to the point, if you had listened to me instead of storming out like the uncivilized ruffian you are, I would have told you that Doctor Haltman agreed to me organizing the wedding because being idle was actually more stressful to me than working. She says that as far as I follow her rules and don't go anywhere near Command, I should be fine." She carefully placed her papers on the floor next to her side of the bed. "Besides, helping Finnick and Annie makes me happy and being happy is important when you're pregnant."
"How handy." he spat, pulling his shirt over his head and dropping it to the floor just to annoy her. His pants and dirty underwear soon joined it. "What about me? Who cares what I want, right, sweetheart?"
He marched in the small en-suite bathroom and directly into the shower. The water was lukewarm, as it always was. He didn't even know why he was so aggravated about the whole wedding thing… Of course, Effie needed something to keep busy with. He had been the first to say bed rest would drive her crazy so it wasn't a surprise. And yet…
"Are you done having a temper tantrum?" she asked, leaning against the sink. He didn't answer. "Seriously, Haymitch, you're about to have a child, I think it's a cue for you to stop acting like one." He turned his back on her and stared at the grey wall, trying to sort through the mess in his head. It was harder than it used to be without alcohol, his brain was sometimes slow. It frustrated him. He heard her sigh and then, a few minutes later, bare arms wrapped around his middle from behind, he could feel the round belly gently pressing against the small of his back. "Must we fight? I promise you I will be more careful. I will stop if it's too much and I will rest and…" She sighed again. "I can't do nothing, I am sorry, I can't."
He turned around slowly in her arms so he wouldn't bump the baby and then he cradled her head in his hands and kissed her. He hadn't kissed her since before the "accident" – as he had come to dubbed it in his mind – two weeks earlier. She responded eagerly and it made him feel better, more peaceful, something uncoiled in his stomach. He felt himself relax gradually and that was when he realized how tensed he had been for the past few days.
"I can't watch you die." It was a whisper, barely audible over the steady stream of the shower.
"Everything will be just fine." Effie promised even though she had no real power over the course of events. "You made a deal with the baby, do you remember?"
A stupid deal that meant even less than her promise. But he nodded anyway and he let her guide his head to the crook of her neck. He held her tight, as tight as he could with the pregnant belly between them, and swore to himself he would never let go. Whatever happened, however it happened, he would protect Effie and that baby to his last breath. He hadn't been able to save his family back in the days but that new one would remain alive and kicking.
"We should go to bed." Effie said finally, turning the tap off. "We have the ultrasound tomorrow. They wanted to do it today but I told them I wanted you there."
He simply nodded and followed her out of the bathroom, picking up his dirty clothes while she got ready for bed. She was wearing one of his shirt like she usually did to sleep but the fabric was stretched over her belly.
"We need to get you new clothes." he commented.
"What I wouldn't give for pretty maternity dresses…" she lamented wistfully. "Imagine everything I am missing…"
The very thought made him shudder. "Ridiculous ugly things, no doubt."
"You are an insufferable man and I don't know why I keep you." she huffed with fondness.
He switched off the light and climbed into bed. Usually she was the one who snuggled up to him but, this once, he placed his head on her chest and a hand on her stomach. He wanted to keep them close, make sure nothing would happen to them during the night. And yet the nagging voice in the back of his mind wouldn't shut up. "It's not safe for you to sleep with me…"
"You never hurt me, you know." she replied tentatively, dropping a quick kiss on the top of his head. "Sometimes when you dream… You grab my arm but when I say your name, when you hear my voice, you always let me go. You know I am here and you know who I am, even in your nightmares."
It wasn't a reassuring thought. "You still get out of the bed if I start to thrash, yeah?"
She promised and he trusted her to handle him when he was unconscious so he didn't press the point. She was a light sleeper, even more so now that she couldn't take sleeping pills, she would wake up if he had a nightmare.
As a matter of fact, he shouldn't have worried because sleep eluded him that night. He kept thinking about the ultrasound, not knowing what to expect, wondering if the baby he could regularly feel moving under his hand was a boy or a girl, trying to keep his growing curiosity in check… It didn't matter if it was a boy or a girl, as long as he managed to keep the kid alive.
He told as much to Effie the next morning when she clutched his hand while Haltman prepared her for the actual ultrasound.
"Well, of course." she huffed as if he was being stupid. Given the amused smile on Haltman's lips, maybe he was.
The now familiar image appeared on the screen. It looked more like a real baby this time and the heartbeat was just as strong and regular as he remembered although it didn't fill him with the same sense of dread. The doctor searched for the best angle and finally looked at them with a victorious glance. "Ready to know?"
He wasn't sure but he nodded all the same and, for a few minutes, he didn't know who was clinging to whom because he was sure he was holding Effie's hand so tight it must have hurt.
"It's a boy." Haltman said.
The words rang in his ears so long he didn't follow the doctor's explanation or what she was pointing out on the screen. A boy… He had really thought it would be a girl. They could have dealt with a girl better but a boy… He didn't have much experience with his own father, his memories of him were blurry at best, doing a better job that he had done wouldn't be hard. A boy. They were having a boy.
"Haymitch?" Effie laughed, nudging his arm. He startled and realized that the ultrasound was over – had been over for several minutes really – and that Effie was dressed again and ready to go back to their room. She watched him with a puzzled and a little wary expression. "Are you happy?"
Happy… Happy was so foreign a feeling he wouldn't have recognized it if it had hit him in the face. Was he happy? He wasn't unhappy certainly. There was a warm fuzzy feeling in the pit of his stomach that somehow echoed the ecstatic grin on Effie's lips.
"Yeah." he replied tentatively, almost interrogative. Her grin morphed into a knowing smile and she pressed her lips against his briefly. It couldn't really have been called a kiss but it was enough. It meant she was right there and they would be as all right as they could.
During the following week, his entire focus was on the development of ideas to take the Capitol. He was so engrossed in the task, the wedding was the last of his worries – unlike Plutarch who seemed delighted with the promise of a social event; he and Effie were always laughing together, throwing ideas and annoying Haymitch to no end, mainly because the Gamemaker invaded their already few private moments together. Nevertheless, Haymitch mused, you would think he would have been made aware that another trip to Twelve – involving Katniss – had been planned and that their escort was supposed to go with Annie and their Mockingjay.
"Absolutely not." he fumed, pacing the length of their small room back and forth.
"It is perfectly safe." Effie replied, almost bored. She was scribbling on her notepad, she was always making lists nowadays : lists of what needed to be done before the baby came, lists of what Katniss or Peeta could need, lists of baby names they still didn't have time to look at together, lists about what she had to complete in time for the wedding… He wondered how she could see anything over her now very protuberant stomach. "Twelve is under Thirteen's control and there will be a medic in the hovercraft in case something happens. Plutarch said it was for Katniss but… Well, we don't need to tell President Coin it is for me."
"It's not the point, Effie." he snapped. "Two weeks ago you were on a hospital bed and now you want to go and have a shopping outing?"
She sighed, put her pen down and looked up at him. "Haymitch, I will be safe. Haltman is alright with it. I will sit all the time we spend in Katniss' house, all I need is to look at dresses. Annie is getting married, she deserves a lovely dress for her special day."
"Twelve is destroyed. It's full of corpses and…" He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He had only seen the images through a screen but he had heard what the refugees had to say about it. He had sat through a painful vivid account from Hazelle Hawthorne's lips, he had awkwardly patted Graesy Sae's back while she sobbed… "You're not going anywhere without me and I'm not going to Twelve without enough alcohol to drown my brain with."
"You don't have to come with me." she said gently. "It's safe. And it is decided, I am going. Perhaps I can retrieve something from your house for you? You must have personal items you wish you had taken with you…"
There were personal items he didn't have the foresight to take with him on Reaping Day but he wasn't ready to face a devastated Twelve for them. "You're not going."
She watched him, tilting her head slightly. "To be perfectly honest, I need to get out of here, Haymitch. I can't wait to breathe fresh air again."
"I can take you to the surface if you want fresh air." he grumbled. "There will be nothing fresh in Twelve. It will reek of rot."
"They sent a crew to dispose of the bodies." she informed him quietly. "Didn't you know that?"
He did. Perhaps. He wasn't sure. He tended to distance himself each time Twelve came up in conversations but of course they had sent people to dispose of the bodies from the main part of town now that they were controlling the other Districts. They needed Twelve as a hovercraft base after all and they couldn't do that with the rotten bodies to distract the soldiers.
"I don't want to go." Haymitch snarled.
"And I'm not asking you to." Effie shrugged. "Katniss will be there. We will have a protection team and a medic. The baby and I will be just fine."
She put her notepad away and laid down before switching off the lights, effectively deciding the discussion was over. It wasn't over for him but there was no arguing with her anymore. He couldn't shout at her when her round stomach was hitting him in the face. She looked too vulnerable, too… He stormed out and slammed the door loudly behind him, knowing he wouldn't sleep anyway.
He spent the night in Command, dodging Boggs' question and tentative advising – the man had a kid of his own somewhere in Thirteen but Haymitch wasn't in any mood to discuss paternity. When the time for the hovercraft departure for Twelve came, he was standing awkwardly by the doors, his shaking hands hidden in his pockets.
Katniss was the first to appear. She frowned as soon as she saw him. "You're coming with us?"
"Obviously." he spat.
Effie arrived with Annie, chatting the victor's ear off as was her habit. The younger woman didn't seem to mind though, sometimes nodding and sometimes staring at nothing. Blue eyes met his in surprise that soon morphed into concern.
"Haymitch, you really don't have to come." Effie promised, grabbing his arm. "I swear I will be fine."
"You're barely six months pregnant with my child and there is a war out there." he hissed. "I'm not letting you out of my sight."
A flicker of annoyance flashed on her face and she sighed with disappointment before turning to Katniss. "Do you think you could manage without me?"
"But you were looking forward to this so much…" Katniss rolled her eyes. "That's stupid, Haymitch. I can take care of her."
"Like you took care of Peeta?" he retorted. He felt guilty when he saw the pain on her face, it would have been kinder to slap her. He regretted his words at once but the prospect of visiting the ruins of his life, ruins he had been responsible for, without anything to dull the ache was making him nasty. She climbed in the hovercraft without an answer, Annie on her heels.
"That was completely unnecessary." Effie glared at him. "Come or don't come, I don't care."
"Yeah, you made that painfully obvious, sweetheart." he sneered. She didn't even look at him. She walked into that hovercraft as if she owned it and she still looked regal despite the fact that her round belly was starting to make her wobble. "You look like a penguin!" he shouted after her.
She didn't acknowledge that either. She sat next to Katniss and whispered to her softly, so low he couldn't hear it. Then again, he was banished to the other side, too far away from the girls to be able to talk to them or follow their discussion. He closed his eyes when the hovercraft started humming and he forced himself to breathe in through the nose and out through the mouth just as his useless doctor had taught him during the worst of his withdrawal.
The urge to drink, the despair for the slow burn of alcohol was the same as ever. His mind, his body… Everything was screaming at him that he couldn't make it without a bottle and that he had been stupid to even try. He should have remained in Thirteen where the destruction couldn't get to him. Never mind Effie and her reckless obsession for fashion. She would do anything just to touch a haute-couture dress again, let her… What did he care? He didn't. Not in the slightest.
"You shouldn't have come."
He startled.
He had been so focused on his nightmarish thoughts that he hadn't heard Effie switching places with the soldier next to him. A glance around the hovercraft told him Katniss was busy talking with Annie, the latter often covering her ears for unexplained reasons. Haymitch wished it was that simple for him. Covering his ears or his eyes would never have been enough protection.
"You shouldn't have left." He rubbed a shaking hand against his face. She caught it before he could hide it in his pocket again, she clasped it between both of hers and stroke it soothingly. It reminded him of his withdrawal when she had been assigned to his bedside because Katniss was still recovering and she was still his escort despite everything. Taking care of them was her job. It seemed it would always be her job.
"You can stay in the hovercraft." Effie murmured. "Nobody will think less of you for that."
He could, he realized, because he had never cared much about what people thought about him anyway. Haymitch was curious, though, that had always been his greatest flaw. He was curious and now that he was in Twelve, he needed to see. He had no sand to bury his head in anymore.
Instead of answering her, he placed his trembling fingers on her bump. He tried the usual spots but he couldn't feel anything.
"He's sleeping." Effie hummed with that now familiar note of fondness. She glowed each time she was speaking about the baby. "You know, Doctor Haltman said he will be starting to recognize voices by now so we need to talk to him as often as we can."
"I'm not talking to your stomach." he snorted.
"Of course, you are." she huffed. "How else is he supposed to know you are his Daddy?"
He was struck by the term. He always was peeved by her casualness when using that word. He looked out the window instead, recognizing Twelve's familiar outlines – or what used to be familiar. The smoke had cleared weeks ago but the damages were still plain to the eye.
I did this, he thought. He had stroke the girl on fire's flames until it became a blaze and the blaze had consumed his home.
"Maybe it would be a good thing if he didn't." he mumbled. What had he ever done in his existence apart destroying people's lives?
"It wasn't your doing. You're not responsible for what happened to Twelve." She forced his hand to remain on her stomach when he tried to take it away. "You are very much responsible for our baby. Think about our baby. Think about how wonderful he will be."
He could be, Haymitch thought. They could raise him to be a better person than his parents ever were. They could raise him to never do the same mistakes they did.
"What if we fuck him up?" he asked. "'Cause let's face it, Princess, you and me, we're not role models."
She placed a hand on his cheek and kissed him. He understood why : there was no good answer to that question that wasn't a lie. They only had each other and that didn't mean a lot. He didn't mind the few snickers of the soldiers or Katniss' exasperated sigh faced with proofs of affection that should be, according to her, kept in their bedroom. It was a tame enough kiss for them so he glared at the teenager as soon as Effie let go of his lips.
He didn't stay in the hovercraft like she suggested several times but took the fifteen minutes walk to the Victors' village with them. It was as bad as he thought it would be and he spent the entire hike nastily badgering Effie for forcing him to face that devastation. She took it willingly until she didn't and started answering back. He welcomed the familiar bickering, it was a much needed distraction to the ruins.
He didn't even bother going inside Katniss' house, only reminding Effie to sit down before storming to his own house. It was eerie how the village was the same as ever. His house was unchanged, everything was covered with a thick layer of dust but that was the only difference. Hazelle must have come by after the Quell Reaping because the dishes were done and everything looked tidier than he could be bothered to keep it.
There was no alcohol to find in the house but he looked in his usual hideouts all the same. Walking on the creaking floorboards, wandering aimlessly in the house was strange. He wasn't the same man who left it all those months ago. He had changed. They had all changed.
He didn't know how much time had passed when he finally gathered the courage to enter the place he always avoided at all costs : the study. He had told Hazelle not to bother with that room, he preferred the door closed, everything it contained was better out of sight, safe from his drunken raging. Still, he went in this time because he had faced so much of his personal demons by that point he didn't think a few more would make any difference.
The study was just as he remembered it : crammed with boxes overflowing with clothes dating from his Victory Tour and what pieces of furniture had been saved from the fire that burned down his old house. He walked to the chest of drawers at the other side of the room, careful not to touch anything, not to disrupt the thick coat of dust. That place was like a tomb and it should have remained that way.
He retrieved the key taped to the side of the drawers and opened it, feeling his throat close up at the sight of the few objects scattered in it. The last item he had ever added was on top, it was a large picture of he and Effie, he had placed it in that particular drawer of memories better locked away on a whim. He remembered that day particularly well because they had been made to pose for hours and the photographer was never happy, yet the result was their best promotional shoot in all the time they had worked together. He was smirking at her and she was pursing her lips in annoyance, it had somehow managed to capture the teasing side of their relationship. He turned it and her delicate flowing handwriting was still there : See how good we look when you're not drunk and I'm not infuriated?. He pocketed the picture, thinking that maybe the kid would want it someday.
There was another picture in there, he pocketed it as well but he didn't look at it. It had been yellowed by time and the corners were all creased. It was a family picture, the only one they ever got. He was twelve in it and his brother was barely two, his mother's hair had already turned grey. It had been his token once upon a time, the only reason why it didn't burn in the fire.
He brushed his fingers against the lock of soft dark hair held together by a frayed pink ribbon but he didn't take that with him. His girl's mementoes belonged in that house, in Twelve.
"Haymitch?" The call was distant but the voice was undeniably Effie's. He didn't answer her at once, not certain he wanted her in that place. Effie was Effie however and it didn't take long for her to find him. "There you are. Look at what I found! Katniss says I can keep it, her mother won't mind." She showed him the content of a black bag that seemed to be full of… blue yarn. He didn't know what was so extraordinary about blue yarn. His lack of reaction must have been telling because she rolled her eyes. "I will be able to knit a blanket for the baby! Isn't that wonderful? And touch it – wait, no, don't touch it, your hands are all dirty – but if you could only feel how soft it is! Oh, it will be just marvelous…"
She rambled on and on until he couldn't take it anymore. "Aren't you supposed to be sitting?"
"I sat for hours." She sounded defensive like always when he hinted she wasn't being careful enough. "Annie found a lovely green dress. We are ready to leave actually. Are you?" She glanced at the open drawer inquisitively, her eyes immediately resting on the lock of hair.
At a loss for what to do and desperate to avoid awkward explanations, he grabbed one of the three items left, a golden ring with a huge purple flower on it. He had bought it right after he had won his Games but before he had climbed back on the train that had brought him back to Twelve. Chaff, Seeder and Mags had taken him on a tour of the city and he had been both amazed and disgusted by the decadence of it all. Still, he had bought gifts for his family unaware that he would never see them again. His mother never had anything pretty so he had bought her a ring, the very same he was holding. Her name was Iris, he had it custom-made so the gems would look as closely to an actual iris as possible – the jeweler had only been too happy to comply, anything for their new darling victor. He had bought a different one for his girl – but he didn't even take that out of the drawer – it had been intended to be her wedding ring, it didn't seem right to let Effie see it.
"Do you want this?" he asked her, shoving the ring at her. It was tame-down for a Capitol jewel but it was still extravagant by District standards.
Effie's eyes immediately filled up with tears.
"It's so pretty…" she whispered, delicately rubbing the dust away. "I haven't seen anything so pretty in months." She looked up at him but he averted his eyes, ill-at-ease. "Who did it belong to?"
"Nobody." he shrugged. "It was supposed to be for my mother but… You know." She studied the ring in silence, it unnerved him. "Look, if you don't want it…"
"No." She pressed it against her chest as if she was afraid he would try to pry it away from her fingers. "I apologize, it's just… Would she like me to have it? I can't imagine she would be delighted with the idea of a Capitol woman being… whatever I am to you."
It was dangerous territory. Haymitch didn't like to wander the realm of feelings. What his mother would have wanted or not, he couldn't honestly say. It had been so long since her death that all that was left were memories of her dulled by too much alcohol consumption.
"You have a good heart. That's all she would have cared about." he replied awkwardly.
"And I love you. I don't think she would have objected to that." She smiled quietly but it didn't soften the blow. It was the first time she had openly said that and it sent him into a panic. "Oh, don't look so taken aback. We're a little past the denial stage, aren't we?" she joked, sliding the ring on her finger and placing her hand on her stomach. There was something calming about the sight. As if he had done the right thing for once. "Do you think she would have approved of me?"
He didn't understand why it was so important for her. Would his mother have approved of him impregnating a Capitol woman out of wedlock in the middle of a war he had sort of started? That seemed like a stupid question but it was him Iris would have smacked on the back of the head and not Effie.
"Sure, sweetheart." he lied.
He didn't look back when they left the house and began the slow walk to the hovercraft. He didn't think he would ever come back there. It was too painful. He couldn't help but feel, each time he glanced at Effie's stomach, that the house and the District belonged to another chapter of his life, one that was now closed.
The wedding was a tremendous success.
Haymitch was happy for his friends when he watched Finnick and Annie dancing slowly, whispering sweet nothings into each other's ear and sharing private smiles.
"Are you going to finish that?" Effie asked, appearing at his side suddenly. He hadn't seen her since the very beginning of the wedding, when cameras had started to roll. They had never discussed the fact that she shouldn't be filmed in her condition – he didn't need Snow to learn she was pregnant with his child, he truly didn't – but she was smart and she had remained right by Plutarch's side, behind the scenes.
He wordlessly handed her his plate. "How many pieces of that cake did you already have?"
"Four." she replied shamelessly, stealing the fork right from his hand. "I'm eating for two." The last part was added defensively.
"You're going to burst." he snorted. "You got bigger again."
It was strange to think her stomach was barely bulging a few weeks ago, she was now very obviously pregnant. She looked down at the round bump with a frown.
"Doctor Haltman says my body finally accepted the pregnancy…" she explained hesitantly. "I'm six months pregnant, some women are bigger." And yet, given the way she was unconsciously tapping the fork against the side of the plate, she was now debating eating that piece of cake or not.
"You're still pretty, Princess." he rolled his eyes. "Eat."
She tilted her head to stare at him. "Do you really think that?"
"Are you fishing for compliments now?" he snorted. "You're the prettiest woman in this room, as you're very well aware."
Although given the way she looked around and placed a hand on her stomach, maybe she didn't.
"I think you are blind." Effie chuckled. "But I also like it better that way."
He couldn't help his smirk each time she moaned around a mouthful of chocolate.
"If I didn't know any better, I would think you like that cake better than me." he mocked.
"Perhaps I do." she grinned.
"I'm hurt." He stole a small piece of cake, ignoring her protests about him touching her food with his dirty fingers.
"It's not my fault, the baby is crazy for chocolate." she replied, rubbing her bump. "See? He's been kicking ever since the cake appeared."
He placed his own hand on hers. He liked feeling his kicks – Effie was less fond of it by now, she was always complaining the child was as inconsiderate of her comfort as his father – he sometimes spent entire nights with his hand on her stomach, waiting for the baby to do something. Now that he was used to it, he thought the pregnancy wasn't so bad. He wouldn't mind if it remained like that forever. The baby was nicely protected by Effie's body which was a lot more easier to keep safe than a screaming infant. There was no risk of doing the wrong thing or dropping him or of someone kidnapping him…
"Because he knows his mom is a nutcase. Maybe you're crushing him with chocolate cake." he joked.
"Your understanding of human anatomy will always baffle me." she retorted disdainfully. "My son doesn't think I'm a nutcase. My son happens to be a perfect gentleman, aren't you, sweetie?" She cooed the last part to her stomach.
"Not with me for a father, he isn't." He patted the bump gently and very carefully, smiling when he felt the answering movements under his hand. Vibration, Haltman had said. He reacted to his voice too if Haymitch spoke close enough to her stomach. "I will teach him how to make you go mad."
"Not even in your wildest dreams." There was a dangerous glint in her eyes. "There will be no teaming up against me."
"Whatever you say, sweetheart." he winked. He was sure there would be a lot of teaming up on every side.
She huffed but let the matter drop, choosing instead to watch the newlyweds dance. They remained silent for a while and he wasn't surprised when she leaned her head against his shoulder.
"I think it's time for bed." she stifled a yawn behind her hand.
Her other hand was resting on his thigh. He played with the ring absent-mindedly, making the big flower turn this way and that. "Don't wait for me, I told Katniss I would take her to see Peeta."
"Oh." She turned her hand and entwined their fingers. "Do you want me to come with you?"
It wouldn't be pleasant, that much Haymitch was sure. Peeta had made a lot of progress but he still wasn't… Peeta.
"It's okay. I can deal with it." He wasn't entirely sure but they had to start somewhere – and he didn't want Effie near Peeta as long as he wasn't absolutely certain the boy wouldn't snap again. "Go to bed."
"Alright…" She gave up too easily, he mused, she must have been more tired than she was letting on. She pecked him on the corner of his mouth and walked away, stopping only to congratulate Four's victors once again. He watched as hugs were exchanged and she walked away with a happy smile on her face.
She might have been bigger than ever but, to him, no woman could hold a candle to her in that room. She was beautiful. And she was his.
He was feeling awfully sentimental that night…
It probably was a good thing that there was no free access to bread or roaring fires.