Chapter 4

Serra

I was fucking exhausted. As soon as I got home, I stripped the dirty hunt clothes I wore, showered and wanted nothing more than to pass out in bed. Levi, Charlotte, and Sam were gone when I walked in the door, but I was too tired to worry about it. They were probably doing something domestic, like grocery shopping. I hated to do that kind of shit.

As soon as I was close enough to our bed, I let my body collapse and fell into the covers.

I hadn't been asleep long when I heard the chaos of my kids and husband come back through the front door. Johnny barked, waking me from the deep sleep I had already fallen into and I turned towards the doorway, waiting for Levi to come stumbling up the stairs to find me.

"Momma!" he called, knowing that Dean and I were home. "Momma!"

"I'm upstairs," I answered, burying my face in the pillow, but I couldn't stop the smile that found my lips, hearing my kid's voice.

Sam carried Charlie, following Levi up the steps and grinned when he saw my face. "How'd it go?" Sammy asked, sinking into the mattress next to me.

I shrugged, not bothering to try and sit up since Levi sat on my back, holding me down. "Fine," I replied. "Dean got tossed out a second story window."

Sam chuckled and shook his head, knowing from the tone of my voice that his brother was fine. I rolled; sending Levi giggling to the side and Sam laid Charlie on my chest. She was drooling and it landed on my cheek as my daughter stared at me in open-mouthed wonderment.

I turned my face away from Charlie to avoid the spittle the might be coming for my open mouth next and tried to sit up with Levi still trying to climb on me. Finally looking at Sam, I furrowed my eyebrows, seeing how tired he looked. If I was exhausted, there was no descriptor for what my husband was.

"Why are you so tired?" I asked, staring at him. "How much did she keep you up?"

Sammy shrugged. "I got about four hours a night," he replied. "Same that I used to get, hunting all the time."

"Sam," I started, shaking my head. "You're not a full-time hunter anymore. You're a college professor. You shouldn't look like you went through the ringer just because you stayed up a few nights with your newborn."

He rubbed his face. "I didn't think I looked that bad," he said. "She's a crier. Not happy with anything except being held, all the time." Sammy chuckled ironically. "Sounds like Everett."

"Don't even say stuff like that," I muttered, holding our four month old. "Alright, well, I've got a nap under my belt. I'll take her for a bit. You should try to sleep for a bit."

"I've got class tonight," he said, glancing at his watch. "My Saturday lecture wraps tonight."

"Cancel it!" I said, standing from the bed and helping Levi jump down. "What are you gonna do, teach to the very last moment?"

He shrugged again.

"Let it go, Sam. Priorities. Get some sleep."

…

Six hours later, Sammy was still sleeping and Charlotte had yet to even doze. She was wide-eyed, watching me carefully the entire time I held her. If I tried to put her down, she would wail pathetically until I came to scoop her back up. Levi gave up around eight-thirty that night and I tucked him in shortly before Sammy had come down for a sandwich.

"Feel any better?" I asked, bouncing Charlie on my hip as I tried to put the rest of the groceries away.

"Not really," he answered. "I think I'm fighting something off. I've got a pretty bad headache."

I handed him a cup of water and a plate with the other half of my grilled cheese. "Eat this, drink that, and go back to bed." I pressed my lips together as he tried to smile weakly at me. "I need you in ready-mode. I can't handle this girl on my own."

Sam smiled at me and kissed me on the cheek, touching Charlie's face lovingly as he walked by. "Sure you can," he answered quietly. "Look at you go, right now." He ate the rest of my sandwich in two bites and tossed the paper plate into the trash can, waving vaguely at me as he headed back upstairs.

There was a knock on the back door and I turned, smiling and waving at Grace as she walked in. "Hey," she greeted, holding my youngest niece. "Dean said you two work well together."

"His limit is three days with me, though," I answered, smiling. "He was about ready to shoot me, there towards the end, especially after I barged my way into the bathroom to pee while he was taking a shower."

"We have literally no boundaries as a family, do we?" Grace asked.

I shook my head proudly. "Sammy's up there, trying to take a nap. You could always go change in front of him."

"I'm good, thanks. Almost cheating on my husband with an angel is enough for me."

I had my back to my sister as I began to empty the dishwasher and almost didn't hear what she said, but as I processed the sentence again, I turned and raised my eyebrows at her. "What?" I asked.

Grace sighed and shook her head, laying Faith in Charlie's bouncer that sat on top of the kitchen table. She watched us carefully, her blue eyes narrowed as if she was judging her mother for what she was about to tell me. "I finally told Dean about me and Cas."

"What, about the grace cuddles?" I asked, making a face. "I thought there was nothing to tell."

She rolled her eyes and rubbed her face, trying to make sense in her mind before she continued. "There's not. I mean, there could have been, but there's not."

"Grace, did you sleep with Cas?" I couldn't help the surprised and judgemental stare I gave my sister.

She turned to face me and pressed her tongue to the back of her teeth, like she did when she was trying to lie, but was unsuccessful. It was her one and only tell. "We toss that word around a lot," she answered, furrowing her eyebrows. "I mean, he wasn't even in his vessel. He couldn't have."

"Grace."

"No, we didn't screw," she spat. "I know we didn't, but why do I still feel like I cheated on Dean?"

I turned to put Charlie down in her stroller next to Faith and then turned away from identical sets of blue eyes, staring at the both of us as we discussed Grace's supposed infidelity. "Then what, exactly, did you do with Cas?"

Grace slumped into the chair at the kitchen table and rubbed her face again. "Nothing," she whined. "Something." She shook her head. "I don't know. No, nothing."

"Grace," I repeated.

"It felt intimate because he was there when I was vulnerable. He touched me differently than Dean touches me…it was…I don't know, Serra. It didn't feel that wrong until Dean asked if we slept together." Grace leaned back in her chair and stared at me with sad eyes. "We didn't do the deed, but I still feel guilty."

I shrugged. "So tell him," I said, not seeing the problem. "Did you feel like you had to get back at him for those other women?"

"If I had, I would have slept with Cas."

I made a face, not seeing the attraction to the angel whatsoever, but he and Grace shared some sort of bond that I didn't understand. It probably had a lot to do with the fact that I didn't have wings. I scrunched up my face and phrased my sentence in the form of a question, "So maybe you should have slept with Cas?"

"Ugh, Serra, you're no help at all," she said, getting up from the chair and striding around the room. "Sleeping or not sleeping with Cas isn't the point. The point is that I feel guilty every time his name is brought up and I can't understand what it is that we even did!"

"What did you do?"

"Goddammit, Serra."

I splayed my hands, feeling my voice raise in pitch, "I'm just trying to understand! You're talking about grace and intimacy…I don't understand any of it! I'm human! If you touch, you touch. If you fuck, you fuck. There's no middle ground." I watched my sister continue to pace and I shook my head, completely at a loss. "Look," I ventured. "If another man, not an angel, had touched you the way that Cas grace-touched you, would you have been cheating on Dean?"

"Another man couldn't have touched me the same way that Cas did."

I put my hands on my hips, tilting my head. "Was it sexual?"

"Sometimes."

"Did you come?"

Grace made a face. "Serra."

I pressed harder, lifting my eyebrows. "Did you?"

Pressing her tongue against the back of her teeth again, Grace sighed as she licked her lips, her cheeks flushing with embarrassment.

"Grace Winchester, you little slut."

Grace turned away from me, running her hands through her hair and shaking her head slowly. "It wasn't like that, though. It was more like Cas…assisted a process that I started."

I held up my hands. "Grace, you need to stop talking. I don't see what you see about your attraction or non-attraction over Cas and going down this road might be a step or two over our sisterly-share safe zone." I watched my sister slump into the chair behind her and lay her head on the tabletop. "Whatever you and Cas did or didn't do, it's over now, right?"

She nodded her head from her position on the table.

"And it won't be repeated?"

Grace agreed, shaking her head.

"Then let it go. You have Dean back, Cas and you guys are still friends…Faith was born and Everett is happy…you've finally got all your shit together. Don't blow it now because of an angel touch-fest that wasn't even really physical. I'm betting it was more your emotions and raging hormones from being pregnant and the fact that a man was comforting you alone in bed sent you over the edge." Grace rolled her head to face me from the table.

There was a creak of hardwood floor behind me and unsurprised, I turned to see the tan trench coat swinging in my kitchen as Castiel appeared out of nowhere. I sighed, shaking my head. "Really? You helped my sister cheat on her husband?"

Castiel shut his eyes momentarily and shook his head, looking disappointed. "She didn't cheat on Dean. My touch was simply comforting and what she needed the most at the time. There was no desire through infidelity. Her guilt is fueled by the fact that she is still angry with Dean for being with other women."

"I don't want to still be angry at him. I know it wasn't him, Cas, it was the spell," Grace said from her place at my kitchen table. "I don't think it's guilt about being angry with Dean. It's guilt that I know better and we shouldn't have done what we did. We crossed a line."

Stepping towards my sister, Cas took a slow breath, furrowing his eyebrows over his piercing blue eyes. "You told me you were not uncomfortable."

"I wasn't," Grace answered, sitting up to face him. "Not until I tried to explain to Dean what it meant."

"Why did you feel compelled to tell Dean?"

"Because we don't have secrets, Cas, and every time he brings you up, I feel like I'm hiding something." Grace ran her hands through her blonde hair again and I watched her battle with what to do. "I want to let it go, but I don't know how to lose the feeling of betrayal I have." She got up and paced around the room once again. "And every time I try to tell him or show him what happened, he shrugs me off, telling me that it's not a big deal and that he forgives me."

I shrugged and glanced at Castiel's reaction. His mirrored mine, still harboring confusion. "Then why are we still talking about it?"

"Because he doesn't understand what it felt like," she replied, sighing. "He needs to understand."