Honestly, I couldn't help it. We hung out everyday, I saw him everyday, he was my bestfriend. That I was in love with. By accident of course. I had to tell someone, I had to admit it to someone, even if I couldnt admit it to myself. I was convinced that it was a crush and it was all in my head and I could never love someone. I was just that way, after all I had been through, I couldnt believe in something as good as love, I was souly convinced that it didn't exist, and if it did, I didnt deserve it. No way in hell did I deserve something as good as Brandan. So, I told Lexi. Lexi was a good friend of mine that I had met when I went with a group of friends to the mall. She knew already, just by the way we talked to eachother, the way we gravitated around eachother, just the way we were. Like he was a piece of me, and I was a piece of him. I had never noticed it, I just thought that's how Brandan and I were, we just fit. Lexi told me something else "You love him Raynie. I can see it everytime you look at him, when he walks into a room you light up like its fucking Christmas morning'' I knew she was right. However, I liked my little hiding spot deep in the caverns of Denial Land so I stayed there. "No I dont, Lex" I laughed unconvincingly "It's a crush, it will go away" Lexi rolled her eyes, she was talented at it too. "Oh bullshit, you've been like that since seventh grade." She sighed "Bt, he has a girlfriend. Theres nothing you can do" Her eyes then turned devious "Unless" I saw it "Oh hell no. Im not breaking them up!" Lexi looked a bit dumbfounded "Why not? She's not even pretty!" Now it was my turn to roll my eyes "Really? Im not breaking them up. Your right, I love him. But I love him enough to want him to be happy and if that means he's happier with her and not me, then I'll deal with it" Lex shook her head sadly. And I did, I dealt with it. We would go to the bowling alley and we'd be the same as we always were, except I had a secret I prayed to God he'd never find out. We'd hang around at my house, except I'd pray to God he'd never find out. We'd go to the movies and laugh, except I'd pray to God he'd never find out. Are you catching my drift here? I didn't want him to know. I didn't want him to not love me back, and then it get akward. I didn't want to ruin his relationship.I just wanted it to be us, as we always were and if something happened (Which I did NOT day dream of during Math class...) then hell yes. Id take the chance. Three months passed, and we never grew apart, which is saying something because once people get the full view of me they usually run screaming. During the span of these three months, We went to a school function, "The Hot Dog Supper" There was games, and face painting and colorful spray you got splattered on your hair because your parents were too uptight to actually let you dye your hair some utrageous color that didnt wash out after one shampoo and rinse. Randi and I went, we had nothing better to do, so what the hell, why not? When we arrived, it had just started and some of our friends (Her friends. People I tolerated to live) were already there as well. We chatted and hung out and walked around aimlessly, as teenagers do at lame events such as that. It wasnt until about 6:30 that things got interesting. At least for me, anyway. We were in the gym, it was too cold to be outside anymore, and we were standing by the bleachers. All of the sudden I hear thudding feet behind me, so naturally I turn around. Here I see Brandan running at me, he bear hugs my surprised ass, picks me up and puts me down. Godammit, he was making this hard. Trying my hardest to hide my blush and not grin like the town fool, I smiled "Hey" Brandan was in fact grinning "Hey!" We hung out for a little bit, I watched him rap battle Xzavier, a friend of his, and then we parted ways. More than a little disapointed, I ambled along by myself. I wasnt with Randi anymore, her friends were idiots and couldnt hold an intelligient conversation to save their life. I ran into Darby, a really close friend of mine, who's crazy ex-boyfriend was stalking her. So, naturally, the badass I am (Yeah, sure) Told the dude to leave her the fuck alone or deal with me, and then the night went on. I was mostly by myself, but I liked it that way. I ventured back outside, and to my utter dismay was greeted by a cold blast of air, that never went away. My god, Id rather be in hell right now, all toasty and warm. Then something came along to brighten my mood, it was Brandan. We caught up with eachother. And here it goes, another memory I can recall like it has just happened.
We were standing outside, in the middle of the basketball court, and I was shaking like a leaf, "You cold?" Brandan asked, I nodded my head, because I really couldn't talk, what, with my teeth chattering and all that. He took off his jacket and before I could object, draped it around my shoulders, and then, he put his arm around me, and this time, he didnt let go. Josh saw us, all snuggled (Oh please, it was barely even a hug.) And decided to make a comment "I see ya'll, all snuggled up. I knew it, just admit it" Acting completely shocked with what he had just said, Brandan and I blurted out, almost as if on cue "Nothings going on" Brandan's arm still had let me go, something I found rather pleasing. Josh pursed his lips "Mhm" I laughed nervously and coughed. Then it was time to leave, Brandan lent me his jacket, hugged me goodbye, and that was it, I was on my way home again. And, I did NOT sleep in that jacket.
A few weeks after that, we went to the bowling alley, per usual. Except this time, I brought my other bestfriend Asia. Getting bored of the crashing of balls against pins (Dont even laugh at that,sicko.) We decided to go see Easy A, it was still in theaters and Asia and I were dying to see it. Brandan asked if he could come along and of course I said yes, hey, dont judge me, I was in love with him and if he wanted to see a chick flick with us, then so be it. The movie was great,and after while we were waiting outside of the theater for my mom, Asia asked "Ya'll could be like, friends with benefits'' I laughed it off. but in truth I wanted to mean more than that to him. I wanted him to love me back, granted that was probably never going to happen, but the moral is still there. When my mom finally arrived, we had to go to Brookshires for some food, we were running low. So we decided to make a fun trip out of this late night snack scrounging mission. I demanded that Brandan climbed into the mini cart found at the front of the store so I could push him around in it while Asia so casually felt up my ass everytime she got the chance, well, that's a bestfriend for you. A weird, very off, VERY DISTURBED bestfriend. (Thanks Azie) It was a fun night all in all. But, as soon as we dropped Brandan off at his apartment, I felt it. The feeling of never fully being able to have him. I hated it. "Ugh, I need to stop hanging out with him, everytime I do its live a hundred pounds of 'liking Brandan' dropped onto me" My mother shrugged "Okay then, stop hanging out with him" I looked at her like she had gone mental "Absoloutley not!" She laughed and so did Asia. Oh, leave me alone, I couldn't help it.