AUTHOR'S NOTE

I can't tell if this is working.

Joyful Tree Friends

"Are you sure this is safe? I mean, not that I doubt you or anything but-"

"It's just a cave."

"Right I just... uh, normally avoid these because. N-no you're right. Let's go! Pal!"

Lumpy shook his head. He had to duck to squeeze into the entrance to the small cavern. This was the way he'd always go to avoid getting mugged on his way to the village. Nobody ever went into these caves. They were way too dangerous.

The entrance was the tightest part, thankfully, and Lumpy had much more headroom in the cavern proper. There were ridges all around them, and a few cracks in the ceiling where moonlight shone in, but there were candles left around and the path through was as straightforward as it could be. Just a straight shot from one end to the other, then they could figure out where those psychos that took her went and-

"I've got the joy joy joy joy down in my heart."

Lumpy's chest seized with fear. Someone was singing. Alone. A match lit on a ledge above them. He was looking down at them. Voices all around them joined in.

"Down in my heart." They sang in unison.

"Where?"

"Down in my heart." They replied.

He sat on the ledge above them. He looked at them underneath his helmet. Torches lit up all around them. Faces wearing pink masks that smiled and leered. The shadows behind the masks shuffled forward. One sidled up next to Toothy and pressed a cold barrel into his temple.

"Uh... does this normally happen when you come through here, Lumpy?

He didn't dignify Toothy's question with a response.

The fellow up on the ledge hummed a bit to himself, then spoke, "Lumpy... I'm hurt. We haven't spoken in... what must be a year! A year! And now I find out that you're seeing this new friend? Did you replace me, Lumpy? Did you forget about what I've done for you? All my presents? All my little bundles of JOY?"

He rolled a little blue pill inbetween his fingers. He flicked it down at Lumpy's face. Lumpy let it bounce off his shoulder and roll across the ground.

The guy frowned, "That's no fun. I remember when you used to scramble like a dog to lick those up off the floor. What happened? Is it this new guy?" He turned to Toothy and smiled, "Hi new guy. Name's Flippy. I'm Lumpy's best buddy. We go way back. I don't like him much anymore. He's not as fun as he used to be. So I'll tell you what, Lumpy, friend, pal, buddy. We're gonna have a little game. Just a quickie. Then you can go about your business."

Flippy jumped off the ledge, landing right in front of Lumpy.. A friend of his handed him a torch and another handed him a machete.

"This'll be quick. I promise." Flippy smiled. He put the machete on Lumpy's shoulder.

"Your friend. Or your arm This one. I'm partial to it. Give it to me. I'm not partial to your friend though. If you give him to me, I'm going to throw him away."

The friend beside Toothy jabbed him with the gun barrel, "L-lumpy?!"

"Shut up." Flippy told Toothy, then turned back to Lumpy, "So what's it-"

"The arm." Lumpy said.

Flippy frowned. He stood up straight. "Really? You didn't even let me finish. Do you… think you're so resolute? That you're strong? You're not a hero Lumpy. You know that? You're only doing this because you think you owe-"

"You said this would be quick." Lumpy stuck out his arm. "Make it quick."

Flippy almost gritted his teeth. Almost. He was better than that. He drew back, halfway into the shadows, then lunged forward again. There was a thick slap of blade meeting meat, then meeting bone. Lumpy's arm had just fallen to the ground before one of Flippy's friends snatched it up and retreated to the shadows. Lumpy had trouble standing, but Flippy caught him before he fell.

"Hold on there good buddy," He whispered, "We gotta get that... fixed up for you."

He pressed his torch into the wound. Lumpy let out a choking, gargling moan. His flesh bubbled and seared. The bleeding stopped, the bit of bone left sticking out what blackened. Flippy held him for a second more, then tossed him into Toothy. The two of them fell over each other and before Toothy could get Lumpy's body off of him, Flippy was gone. All of his friends had disappeared too. All that was left of them was a little blue pill sitting in a crack of moonlight.

Toothy felt like he was gonna piss himself.

...

"...could you really believe it? Fucking potato salad! That dumb cow of a wife... ...Sweet lemon... God rest her soul..."

Lumpy woke up wrapped in a blanket. He was leaned up against the rusted wall of a tin shack. A barrel fire sat on the far end of the room, Toothy and some old guy sat on the near end, both had stools and were sharing a bowl of something that smelled delicious. The guy hadn't stopped talking.

"The recipe was alright. I mean, it wasn't anything special. I had eaten better potato salad, but it had a friendly tang to it. The principal of the matter wasn't that it was BAD potato salad, but she had the nerve to show up to the block party with such a shitty dish. It was like the dumb bitch had planned this. Like it was some kind of punishment meant to embarrass me. As if having a wife that looked like her wasn't bad enough. I mean really! I'm nearly glad the flash happened. If there was any solace it was that she can't piss me off anymore. Jesus christ I miss her so much. God rest her soul."

"Oh hey," Toothy had noticed Lumpy, "He woke up!"

"Ah good! Good! Give him some of that." the guy gestured to the bowl in front of him, "He needs something to get his strength back." The guy nodded, "Needs it. Lost a lot of blood. Hadn't seen a wound that bad since..."

The old guy kept rambling while Toothy passed a bowl of soup into Lumpy's remaining hand. Toothy helped him tip it to his lips. It was mostly hot water and cabbage, but the geezer had gotten his hands on some spice. Really made up for the lack of ingredients.

"Who's he?" Lumpy asked.

"His name's Pop. I don't know who he is, but when I dragged you out of the cave he spotted me and brought us inside. I guess he's alright."

"Yeah. Looks like it."

"But he doesn't stop talking."

"Yeah. Looks like it."

Pop nodded and sipped something out of a clay cup,

"Yeah... I think I should say, you fellas look like you're in a bad spot. You both look like a couple of lost puppies. Reminds me of myself at that age. Ha! That age. You two are a couple of sad old men yourselves, huh? Well I meant when I was more around the twenties. Maybe the thirties. I didn't meet her until I was about 27 anyway. God she was a bitch. But she pulled me out of that slump, so that's something. Had some more direction to her than I did. God rest her soul. Shame about that flash. Really tore the place up. Kinda feel lost without her. Even if she tried to force that god awful potato salad on me. So I guess what I'm meaning to say is, you fellas need some guidance. I'm a little bit better than just spinning your wheels in the dirt, wouldn't you say? We can get a bit more done together. Keep each other company. I can tell you're gonna need all the help you can get with whatever this kid was talking about."

He gestured towards Toothy, "Mentioned you were hunting down some fuckers that killed your friends. Well I'm looking for some excitement. Let's go first thing in the morning. You me and him."

Lumpy shook his head, "The hell use are you gonna be, old man? This party's too crowded anyway."

Pop pulled a pistol from the tattered robe wrapped around his waist, "I've got a gun!"

Toothy looked to Lumpy. Lumpy raised his brow.

"Alright. You're in."