Author's note: I just wanted to let you all know that from now on every other chapter will be one of Rachel's letters. You will know a chapter is a letter because it will not have a date at the top. I hope you all enjoy; please read and review!
Letters from a dying Rachel Hudson: Chapter 4
Finn,
I haven't told you this yet, but today the doctor told me I have less than a month left. I don't want to tell you because then it will become real, the fact that I, Rachel Hudson am dying. It wasn't supposed to end like this Finn. We were supposed to have five babies and buy that house in New Jersey, the one with the red door and big backyard. A lot was supposed to happen Finn, but I guess fate has other plans for me, for us. We were supposed to grow old together, Finn.
If this cancer has given me anything, its given me time to think. I know you try to be here with me when you can, but you have Ellie to take care of and a job. It all requires your time, Finn. When you're not here, and I'm left with my thoughts, I think about the future. Your future. Ellie's future. Do me a favor Finn and tell her what I was like. I don't want her to grow up not knowing what her mother was like. Maybe you could tell her about how I loved to sing. You could even show her some old videos of us back in high school. When she's old enough, you could tell her the story of how we fell in love. I'm sure she would love to hear it. You should tell her that even though I never got to preform on Broadway, I loved the life I lived. Tell her that teaching other kids how to sing made me happy. I want you to tell her that I was happy, with my life that is. I barely got any time to tell her how much I love her. You have to tell her every night that I love her to the moon and back, Finn. I won't get to watch her grow up or get to see her on her wedding day. It hurts Finn, it really hurts. You have to promise me you'll be there for her. I don't want her to forget who I am. Maybe you could even show her the star you named.
I'm watching the Today Show right now, Finn. Do you remember the day? The day you woke me up extra early and dragged me down to stand outside of the Today Show in the freezing cold. I remember it. I remember how you kneeled down on your knee during the show and asked me to be your wife. I remember how they caught it on camera for the whole world to see. I'm scared you're going to forget these memories, Finn, when I'm gone. I hope you don't. I want you to remember the times we danced around the kitchen together, forgetting about the dinner cooking on the stove. I want you to remember all the times you had to carry me home from restaurants, Finn. You were right. Those heels always made my feet hurt. I want you to remember all the happy times, but I want you to remember the sad ones too. Like the countless times I was rejected from Broadway, or that time your school closed down. I want you to remember everything, Finn.
I don't want you and Ellie to live alone for the rest of your lives, Finn. I want you to meet another woman. One who loves you and loves Ellie too. I want her to love your family, Finn. You don't have to talk to her about me, but maybe you could tell her I once existed, so she knows you used to love someone else. I don't know, that might be selfish of me, but I just would want her to know that you were mine once, before I left. This is what I'm worried about, Finn. That Ellie's going to forget about me and call this other woman her mom. Please tell Ellie that I used to be her mom, before that other woman was.
You were my first, last, and only love. You saved me, Finn Hudson. I remember the first time we kissed in high school. I remember how I felt the first time you looked at me, acknowledged me. I died on the days you didn't notice me and I lived for the days you would flash me a smile. Falling in love with you was the easiest thing I've ever done. You're the one person who gets me, gets my crazy. You're the person I call when I'm feeling down. You're the person who can always make me feel better. You're the person who buys me flowers whenever you get the chance just to make me happy. You're my person, Finn Hudson.
I want you to know that I'll always be with you. I'll always be rooting for you. I'm not sure how this whole thing works, but I know if you ever feel lonely you can look up to the star you named. I know you didn't name it after me because I'm already a star, but just know I'm always with you. I plan on watching over you and Ellie. I'm not sure if that's possible, though, but I'll try my hardest. I just don't want you to feel alone.
Most importantly, Finn, I want you to know how much I love you. I still remember our wedding day and how I cried during my vows. It's kind of what's happening right now. I want you to know that even when I'm gone, I'll never, ever stop loving you, Finn. I know that you'll always love me, even if you end up extending your love to someone else. I'm worried that when I leave, the tether's going to break. Does that sound dumb? I just don't want you to ever stop loving me, because I'll never stop loving you, Finn. I've known I loved you ever since our first kiss in the auditorium. Do you remember that? It was the first time you took my breath away, Finn. I hope in my lifetime, you felt as loved by me as I felt loved by you. I have to go now, Finn. Out of all the things I want you to remember, I want you to remember how much I love you, and always will.
Forever Yours,
Rachel Hudson