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This chapter is dedicated to Slcottin and her 1972 Mustang

Chapter 3 — Don't Stick Shit Up Your Nose

Jasper POV

I was standing at the edge of the forest, waiting for Peter to arrive. Alice had got bored with my pacing, so she sent me out to wait for him. It was a little embarrassing to be sent out to play like a small child, but I was genuinely looking forward to seeing Peter again. It had been far too long, and I had missed his company.

Second only to Alice, I was closer to Peter than anyone. We had survived the hell of the Southern Wars together, and our experiences there had formed a kinship I didn't have with the Cullens. While Alice had given me a new life when I walked into that diner in Philadelphia, I would never have been in any state to join her if Peter had not saved me from myself first. When he and Charlotte escaped from Maria's army, I never imagined I would see them again. I was close to the edge when he returned for me. The joy of the fight had long since faded, and I had grown tired of existence.

I knew from her emotions that Maria was becoming more guarded around me, and I suspected she was preparing to dispatch with me as she had so many of her lieutenants before. With Peter gone, I'd lost the one friend I had, the only ally in the chaos of constant war. I was preparing myself for Maria's attack, and I was considering the option of allowing her to be the victor, to allow her to end my existence and the accompanying depression, when Peter returned for me.

He told me of the life that he and Charlotte enjoyed, the freedom and peace that could be found away from the fighting. I never imagined such a life was possible for my kind. I left Maria and the war behind without a backward glance, feeling hope for the first time.

The new life was not all I had hoped for, though.

Despite the fact I was away from the battle, and the constant influx of negative emotion, my own depression was not alleviated. I still struggled to find peace in my new life until I met Alice. Where Peter saved me from Maria and the constant cycle of war and vengeance, Alice saved me from myself. From her I learnt of the Cullens and their way of life. I was dubious but she was certain, but she was right in the end. The change in diet was a struggle, a struggle I still faced today, although my control had increased significantly. Having Alice at my side was the key; in Alice, I found my mate.

I had never witnessed the love between a mated couple before. In the war, Maria refused to have mates in our ranks. She said it made them weak. At the slightest hint that a couple were mated, they would be disposed of.

Peter and Charlotte were the closest thing to a mated couple I had seen, and yet they were not that closely bonded. They found pleasure in each other's company, both physically and as companions, but they had explained when I joined them in their new life that what they had was not mating. They had seen other mated couples in their travels before returning for me, and the way they described it, it was like two pieces of a puzzle joining together. When a vampire met their mate, it was as if the universe realigned and that person was became their world. The bond of mates superseded all else, even the call of blood.

I wondered how Peter was dealing with Charlotte and Tanya's mating. I knew it must have been hard for to him leave her behind in Denali. His joking aside, he had to be missing her company. They had been together for more than a century.

I was just thinking about hunting to pass time while I waited for him when I felt a spark of mischievousness from someone I couldn't see. Peter.

I stiffened and called out to him, but there was no response.

His lack of scent made him a pro a sneaking up on people, which is one of the reasons he had outlasted his newborn year in Maria's army. His usefulness as a spy, however, made him a nuisance as an opponent. Never one for standard greetings, he had a habit of pouncing on me when I least expected it.

The first time he visited after Alice and I joined the Cullens, he sprang from a tree and nearly got dismembered by a trigger-happy Emmett. I had been half-tempted to let Emmett remove a limb or two before intervening — it might quell his pesky habit of attacking people, but I feared more for Emmett's safety. Peter may be a nice guy but he was also a formidable fighter. He had needed to be to survive the Southern Wars.

Peter laughed off Emmett's apologies, and within a couple of minutes, they were chatting like they had known each other for years. That was the beginning of the unholy alliance of pranking. I was pleased Emmett took to Peter so well because Edward certainly didn't.

Although they were never openly hostile, there was a constant undercurrent of tension whenever Peter and Edward were in the same vicinity. Edward was initially perturbed to find he couldn't get a clear read on Peter's thoughts. He wasn't mentally mute like Ms. Swan—when he wanted to annoy Edward he was able to broadcast his thoughts loud and clear—but from what Edward said, he could only get snatches of what Peter was thinking at the time. This pleased Peter no end as he found Edward's gift to be intrusive, and he'd given Edward the moniker of 'Mind Fucker'.

"Come on fuc—" My words were cut off as Peter finally decided to make his appearance by jumping from the neighboring tree and sending me sprawling to the ground.

And so it begins...

Peter POV

Why Char had wanted to come to this frozen tundra was beyond me. I would much rather have just skipped over to Vegas for a few weeks, but the chance to visit with the succubi sisters was too tempting to miss.

Those girls must get bored of banging the blood bags. Personally, I couldn't see the attraction, especially since they had quit having them as a postcoital snack. They would appreciate a visit from a more durable male for once, and being the generous guy I was, i was only too happy to accommodate them. Besides, those girls would have some mad skills. Char might pick up a few new tricks.

However, I had a feeling that there was more to our trip to Alaska than the possibility of some succubus sexscapades. My 'gift' — for want of a better word — had been sending me vague hints that whatever was next for us in this life, started there.

I gorged myself on wayward criminals on the journey north. I knew once we arrived in Denali, we would need to stick to the veggie diet. Eleazar was a pretty chilled guy, but even he would not be amused if we started munching on his neighbors.

We were greeted warmly by Eleazar and his mate Carmen when we arrived. He was just explaining the sisters were due home from a hunt any moment when we heard their footsteps and laughter as they approached.

I didn't need my gift to tell me something was afoot when the back door swung open and three beautiful females entered. I heard a soft, almost inaudible gasp from Charlotte and a soft "Oh" from the hottie with the strawberry blonde hair as they approached each other. It was as if everyone else in the room melted away. They only had eyes for each other. Charlotte reached up, and with great tenderness, she pushed a strand of hair behind Blondie's ear and whispered, "I'm Charlotte."

"Tanya," the hot blonde replied.

And that was it. I could see it in their eyes. They were mated.

I don't know what I was expecting to happen in Alaska, but this certainly wasn't it. Charlotte had found her mate, and I had lost my companion. I was truly happy for Charlotte. I loved her, and I wanted her to be happy, but at the same time, I mourned the loss. I would miss having her by my side.

Pushing the hurt aside, I focused on the positives as they walked out of the room together — maybe there would still be a place for me between the sheets. As they say, save a horse, ride a cowboy.

I quickly realized that staying in Denali with Charlotte was not going to work out. There were subtle clues at first, like the pointed questions about my plans for the future now Charlotte had found her mate — they came from Irina, the caustic bitch — and less subtle hints like the apoplectic Tanya screaming at me as she threw ornaments in my direction.

Women, all so emotional. I was merely preparing to offer my assistance to her and Char for their first coupling. Was it my fault that they misread the situation? Admittedly, being found lurking in the closet did not give the best impression, and having my hand in my pants also painted me in a bad light. I tried to explain that I had had an itch, but they didn't believe me. According to them, vampires don't itch. Can I help it if I'm special?

Deciding to cut my losses, I packed up my shit and got out of there. It was a strange feeling being away from Charlotte, so I decided to drop in and see the only other person that I was really close to, my brother in fuckery, Jasper.

I called him and gave him the abridged version of the Char and Tanya story, omitting the hand-in-the-pants part. A man has to have some secrets. Besides, he would have way too much fun giving me shit for the 'itch' line. In turn, he filled me in on what was up with the Cullens, including the mind-fucker's latest endeavor as a stalker. Deciding that the opportunity to screw with Edward and his human obsession was too good to miss, I told him I'd be in town the next day.

He warned me that there was a risk of becoming a chew toy for a shapeshifter if I crossed the magical moat of pee or snacked on one of the residents of Forks. Tempting as it was to have a go at fighting a giant Chihuahua, I knew it would upset Dr. C and screw with his whole 'we are the world' fantasy if I messed with the treaty.

I knew if I was going to be staying in Forks for a while, I was going to have to get used to the veggie diet. My throat was beginning to burn, yet the idea of putting my mouth on something with fur was disgusting. As I travelled south through the dense forest, I continued to smell the air for anything that might be palatable, but so far it all smelled like various forms of shit.

The nearest town was small, and I wasn't sure if there was any hope of easily finding a suitable meal. After a quick search, I found a nearby bar on the outskirts of town. Stalking the area, I found what I was after, an older man who didn't appear to have bathed recently and was rubbing his unwanted paws all over the waitress who was trying to leave for the night.

Perfect. I want to treat myself to one last human and all I can find is a smelly drunk whose blood was well past its prime. Oh well, it was either this or sample the wildlife. I approached the felony in progress, and with a theatrical drunken slur, I called out, "Cletus, is that you, buddy?"

The would-be rapist turned to face me, and I wished he hadn't. He was so ugly he should have been exhibited in a circus. "Sorry, buddy, wrong number. I don't know any Cl—" The rest of his sentence was cut off as the waitress took advantage of her attacker's distraction and kneed him in the balls. As he doubled up on the ground clutching his groin, she made her escape, tottering away on shaking legs.

I waited patiently for 'Cletus' to recover himself before speaking. I put a lot of thought into these speeches, and despite the fact he wasn't going to live much longer, I wanted him coherent for the lesson.

He eventually clambered to his feet, and with what I guess was supposed to be a menacing leer, he faced me. "You just interrupted me and my girlfriend, buddy. That was very rude."

Oh goody, a talker. The lesson is always more fun when there is audience participation.

"I do apologize, but she didn't seem to be enjoying your private moment much. She left you here after all."

"That don't matter." He sneered. "I'll deal with you, then I'll go give her a lesson in respect." He swung his fist in my direction, but I ran to his other side before he could land the punch.

"Hey, where'd you go?" he asked.

This man was so stupid. I was doing the world a service eating him. He should never be allowed to procreate. The gene pool would never recover. He started again as I whipped around to face him. "How'd you do that?" he asked.

Deciding I had better get on with the lesson before his stupidity infected me, I stepped into the hazy light of the street lamp, allowing him to see my crimson eyes. He flinched away from my gaze.

"You are disrespectful to women," I informed him. "You take liberties with them without their permission. I don't like that."

"She was begg—" I decided I had heard enough, and with a quick flick of my wrist, I snapped his neck and ended his words. I pulled him deeper into the alley and fed.

After a quick swim to dispose of the body in a nearby lake, I continued my journey to Forks. The name alone was worthy of mockery. Forks. What possessed them to name it after a utensil is beyond me. They could at least have gone with something a bit more impressive like cleaver or steak-knife.

The trip had taken a bit longer than I had intended. From my best estimates, I would be arriving in the late afternoon rather than before Jasper got home from school. School. Picturing the feared Major posing as a high schooler just didn't sit right with me. It was something I would need to see to believe, then mock.

The air was crisp and cool as I moved through the outskirts of Forks. The sun would be setting soon, and I was anxious to see my brother again. I made sure to sample the air as I traveled, expecting at any moment to catch a whiff of wet dog or piss, but thankfully, I saw their house in the distance and not once did I step in a puddle.

Approaching the clearing of their yard, I could see Jasper was standing ready to greet me, a half-cocked smile on his face. I decided to have a little fun with him. He must have felt my emotions switch to mischievous, as he stiffened. "I know you're out there. Quit screwing around, Peter," he called.

He was becoming domesticated with his schoolboy life. The Major would never have let me get this close. I took to the treetops and approached him, trying to keep my emotions to a steady calm as I knew he would find that harder to detect.

I was positioned in the tree beside him, about thirty feet up, waiting for my moment, when he called out again.

"Come on fuc—" The rest of his sentence was cut off as I leaped onto his back, causing him to fall face first onto the ground.

He pushed me off of him and jumped to his feet, grinning all the while.

"You're getting slow, Major," I teased. "Spending all that time among the humans has turned you soft."

He growled low in his throat, and I chuckled. This was more like it. I dropped into a crouch, and he imitated me instinctively.

I was preparing for a good brawl when a motherly voice called out to us like we were misbehaving children, "Jasper! Is that how you treat a guest?"

I looked over to Jasper and watched as his expression changed. I knew he could feel my amusement at seeing him being scolded by his mommy, and he glared at me as I began tittering.

Brushing ourselves off, we both turned and faced Esme who was now beside us.

"Esme." I greeted her with a nod.

"Peter, it's so good to see you again. I am sorry to hear about Charlotte. You know you're always welcome here," Esme said. She really had this mother role down pat, but she was genuinely sweet.

We followed her across the yard and into the house, listening to her chatter all the way. "Carlisle is still at work, but he'll be home soon. Edward is umm... visiting a friend, so he probably won't be back till morning."

Jasper snorted at her comment. Esme turned and sent him a stern look, silently saying what I'm sure was 'shut the fuck up'.

Of course, Momma Cullen would think it's perfectly acceptable for 'Golden Boy' to be stalking some girl, anything to deter him from brooding.

I heard thundering footsteps, akin to a herd of rhinos on the second floor. Then Emmett was standing before us.

"Peter, dude! How are you?" He didn't give me a chance to respond before carrying on, "So, I hear Charlotte has hooked up with Tanya. You have to give me some details. How long were you there before Lil' Pete spoiled things?"

"First of all, Emmett, it's 'Big Pete' nothing little about him, and second, not far at all."

"Emmett McCarty Cullen, you are not being so crass as to ask Peter for details of Charlotte and Tanya's relationship, are you?" Esme may be a gentle-natured thing, but when she turned that glare on you it made you feel like a five year old getting caught with your hands down your pants.

"No, Esme," he replied flashing her a smile. How he could manage to look so darn innocent was beyond me. It must be the dimples, I mused.

"I knew you wouldn't be so foolish, and by the way, no, you can't take a quick trip to Denali this weekend." Emmett's face fell and Jasper chuckled. I guessed he was sensing an impressive amount of regret coming from Emmett's direction.

I heard the door shut and turned as I saw none other than Jasper's munchkin-sized mate, Alice. She came floating into the room, wearing her over-priced get-up as always. Some things never change.

"Peter," she greeted me with a nod.

"Shorty," I returned her greeting with a smart-ass grin, knowing full well it would set her off.

"So, I hear your gift," she snorted the word, "sent you to Denali and you ended up losing your partner because of it." We had always differed on the subject of our gifts. She maintained that she was far more powerful as she could search the future at will, whereas my gift was limited by what the fucking powers-that-be decided to send me.

"Be nice, Alice," Esme reprimanded.

I felt like I had stepped into the immortal version of the Brady Bunch. The Cullens were great, but I wondered if they realised how damn insane they all looked, repeating high school over and over, living among the humans yet not snacking on them. It seemed like a waste of a perfectly good eternity to me.

As if to complete the scene of insanity, Beauty Queen Barbie: Vampire Edition joined us and Dr. C's car pulled into the drive, the perfect scene of a small town doctor coming home to his wife and children. Well, most of his children, one of them was currently breaking and entering the home of a police chief to watch his daughter sleep. Oh yeah, this was the good life.

Carlisle came in the front door and shrugged off his coat. He was still in his scrubs. Esme kissed him chastely on the cheek, causing Jasper to wince. I wondered what was up with that. Had be become so domesticated he was offended by a peck on the cheek?

"Sorry I'm so late," he apologised.

"That's okay," said Esme "Alice said you had a last minute patient."

"I did. One of the Weber twins came in with a marble stuck up his nose. Apparently, his brother dared him to do it."

I had to make a supreme effort not to laugh. Here was a centuries-old vampire with a wealth of knowledge and resources and he spent his evening retrieving a marble from a child's nose. I understood his desire to help people and to give something back to the world, but a marble! Why did he not put his enhanced vampire mind to something productive, like research? Cancer, AIDS, even the damn flu was killing hundreds of thousands of humans, and yet, he thought he was doing good by plucking marbles from nostrils. He should have left it there. It'd teach the little brat a lesson: don't stick shit up your nose.

"Peter, it's good to see you again," Carlisle said as I shook his hand.

"You too, Doc," I replied. It was true. Although they were the most fucked-up coven of vampires I had ever come across, they were a good bunch of people, fun to be around, and there was no mistaking the genuine love they each felt for each other.

I waited for him to address me further, but I think he was taken aback by my glowing red eyes. Pussy.

"Umm, Peter," he began tentatively. "Did Jasper fill you in on the treaty we have with the La Push tribe?"

Jasper opened his mouth to speak, but I cut in. "Treaty? No I don't believe he mentioned anything about a treaty. I did come across the La Push tribe, though. I stopped in at the reservation on my way here and had a quick snack. I know how you prefer me to avoid hunting in Forks while I visit, so I thought I would stick to the reservation. That's okay, right?" I attempted to keep my features innocent, but judging by his look of horror and Alice's rolled eyes, I failed.

"Oh no!" he gasped, "We have broken the treaty. How much time do we have? How well did you hide the body? We're going to have to move. Esme, please call Edward back. It is not safe for him to..."

He trailed off as he realized that no one else was looking worried. In fact, at that moment, Jasper lost control of his own mirth and projected it out to the room causing everyone to laugh, Carlisle included.

"Jasper," he said through his chuckles. "This is not funny. By failing to update Peter on the treaty, you have placed us all in danger."

"Relax, Carlisle," he said. He must have got control of his gift again as the hilarity was replaced with a steady stream of calm. "Peter is just screwing with you. I told him about the treaty. He didn't hunt in La Push." He turned to me. "Peter, please reassure Carlisle that we aren't going to have to deal with a bunch of pissy natives."

"Sorry, Carlisle," I apologized, still grinning though. "The Major filled me in on the locals and the treaty. I hunted in a remote town outside British Columbia on the way south. I didn't go anywhere near La Push and their magical moat of pee."

"Magical moat of what?" He looked thoroughly confused, then shook his head, apparently deciding to do without the explanation. "Well, I am going to go change. Esme, would you care to join me?"

Jasper flinched again. What was up with that? Carlisle and Esme made their way up the stairs, and I joined Emmett and Jasper on the couch.

Emmett invited me to play a few games on the Xbox — I had a feeling he was going to wipe the floor with my ass. Unlike them, I had actually spent my time being a vampire, not a teenager. But when in Rome... I came here for a break, so I was ready to embrace some mindless entertainment, at least until the stalkerpire got home from his latest felony.

It didn't take me long to get sucked into the world of gaming. That shit was addictive. I'd been missing out. Before I knew it, the sky was lightening outside and Alice was bouncing into the room.

"Having fun?" she teased, leaning against the wall.

"Actually, I am," I replied. Emmett and I were still engaged in another round of combat.

"Oh, I just thought you might want to know that Edward will be home any minute," she trailed off as she turned to leave the room.

I tossed the controller to Emmett, who looked confused. "Eddie's coming home and I wanna play," I informed him. He grinned.

I heard the door latch click as it opened. I was tingling with anticipation. He was going to be serving as a perfect distraction to all the shit I was dealing with. A fucking vampire stalking a human, the jokes were endless.

I let him hear my thoughts clearly as he came inside. I loved playing with his mind. I let it wander to the images of Tanya and Charlotte together in bed the night I left.

He walked into the room, and I kept the outward appearance that I was behaving, although I continued on with my porntastic mental display. "Hi, Edward. How's it hanging?"

His face scrunched into a grimace, pinching the bridge of his nose as if he was pained by the imagery. Over-sensitive fuck!

"Peter, would you please refrain from flooding my mind with your little fantasies?" he said sharply.

"Actually, Eddie boy, those are very real memories of Charlotte and her mate," I stated matter-of-factly, watching him as the reality set in.

His face changed from confusion, to anger, to... What was the hell was that look? Did someone shove a hot poker up his ass?

Deciding to take some pity on the sexually-challenged vampire, I changed the subject. "So, how's the human? Did you sample the goods or just stare at her drooling?"

Edward growled at my comment and, kicking the chair out of the way, he stormed off to his room.

"That was awesome, man. Way to piss off Emo-ward," Emmett cheered, giving me a congratulatory slap on the back.

I looked over and saw Jasper standing off to the side of the room, smirking at my little friendly display with Edward.

I knew coming here would be fun.

Thank you to everyone who reviewed. The car ideas were great, we had a lot of fun checking out pictures online and it was a tough choice. The voices and I have a new question for you…

In this chapter Peter muses on Carlisle's choice of career, if you could choose what job would you have Carlisle doing? Personally we'd like to see him as a Calvin Klein underwear model but that's purely for visual entertainment. Best answer gets the next chapter dedicated to them.