And here it is. Sora's side. I'll update Riku's side next week. And again, if you want to RP, send me a PM or something ^^

X.x.x...If Only...x.x.X

Chapter 4

Sora

I woke up to movers and Riku.

Not really a bad situation, if you ask me. I could have done without the scraping of boxes against the floor and seeing smelly men in my room, but I took what I could get.

Riku was standing over me, his hand outstretched. He wanted me to get up, and I kind of wanted to as well, but my eyes felt heavy and my body ached. I had slept in the same small ball I had fallen asleep in, not the optimal sleeping position.

"Well come on," Riku beckoned.

I managed to open my eyes and grab his hand. That wasn't the hard part. I knew it was a kind gesture, but I still took the opportunity to curl my fingers amongst his. I lay down on the futon, my head on Riku's lap. I could feel my body pleading for sleep, but I didn't want to. I fought my eyes closing.

Then his arm wrapped around me.

Again, I knew this was normal. Riku liked to comfort me. He had kept me sane the past four years. I owed my social life to him.

And soon he would be gone.

I wasn't paying attention to my surroundings, just the feel of someone I loved being close to me for one of the last times. I lay there and thought about things for a while. Would Riku call me when he was in Cali or just text? The thought of not hearing Riku's voice ever day made my chest swell.

I rolled so that my closed eyes could see Riku whenever I chose to open them. I heard the men in the room carry out another load and my eyes opened. I felt likeI should say something.

"Riku . . . " Yeah, that's just what I wanted to say. His name. Not that I loved him. Not that his absence would kill me. I just wanted to say his name. The frustration almost brought me to tears.

"Hm?" His eyes met mine. Instantly I could feel my tears dry up. For now.

He was expecting me to say something else. I was about a second away from telling him everything, but instead I said : "I'm going to miss you. So much."

Understatement of the year.

I felt like I was cutting of the circulation to Riku's arm, but didn't care. I just wanted to be close to him for as long as possible.

I wanted him to say something else. I'm not going to lie. But then his stupid cell phone buzzed. It took everything in me not to grunt in disapproval. It was probably his bitch of a fiancé. I yelled at myself internally. I couldn't call Kairi a bitch. She hadn't done anything wrong to him.

I didn't want to fall asleep, but I did. I didn't want to waste any more time with stupid trivial things. Not when there wasn't much time to waste.

Riku tried to wake me up, but I pleaded for 15 minutes. I held a fake smile, like I had been doing so often lately. Not really because I wanted to sleep, but because I wanted to think. I had 24 hours to get out everything I always had meant to say to my roommate. I didn't want to leave anything unsaid. I stayed in my pseudo-sleeping position until I could hear water running.

I got up at once and scurried to my bed. My duffel bag was not only full with clothing needed for the next day, but also my notebook. I began freewriting all the things I wanted to say. If I tried speaking them outloud, they would be a jumbled mess. That's how I'd always worked: writing everything important down first.

I had a pretty good first draft going when Riku said, "Hey there," and walked into my line of vision wearing nothing but a pair of jeans.

"Oh!" I shoved he notebook away. That was the last thing I wanted him to read at the moment. To prevent staring at Riku's bare chest, I grabbed my bag. "I didn't hear the water turn off. I'll just be a few minutes. Don't want to waste any time." I smiled my biggest smile and ran off. I couldn't look at Riku partially naked while I was . . . having these feelings.

I made the shower beyond warm. As I took deep, calming breaths trying to subside the reaction to Riku without a shirt, I noticed the water wasn't getting any cooler like it usually did.

Riku took a cold shower so I wouldn't have to.

That's all it took for the tears to begin running from my eyes. Riku had been thinking about me, again. He was always doing little things for me. He was my personal alarm clock and snooze button. He was my doctor when I was sick and my tutor when I was having trouble in calc.

Did this mean he still liked me?

It made sense. A lot of the things he had done for me had been quite personal, especially all the physical contact, but I still had no clue if that was enough. The tears began to dry and I turned off the shower.

As I dried my body and prepared for my day with Riku, I couldn't help but think:

Did he like me enough to stay?

XxxXxxX

The day up to this point was just like any other. We went to our favorite pizza place and reminisced. It was hard to share so many memories and not cry. I knew I would be doing plenty of crying tomorrow and was trying to keep the current crying to a minimum.

We also stopped at the mall. I spent a ton of money I didn't have on new games. I would need something to fill the hours I normally spent with Riku when he left. A cashier even made a stupid attempt at hitting on me. Luckily, Riku had been right there to get me out of that awkward situation. For half a second, I pretended in my head that Riku was mine. The thought had faded quickly.

And that left us in our current situation: me sitting in the car while Riku bought alcohol. Riku knew I hated those places. Pereptually looking 16 didn't help trying to buy rum. I pulled out my phone and sent Roxas a text.

Riku's buying alcohol. You know how I am when I'm drunk. I'll be all over him. What should I do?

I waited patiently for a reply. I didn't want Riku to think my feelings for him were fake because I made out with him while being trashed.

Just do whatever feels right, kid. You like the guy. Just let it all out. It's now or never.

I sighed and began my reply. He was right. Just then Riku entered the car. He glared at my phone.

"Jeez kid. Who're you texting all day?" Riku said. I knew he wanted to know before he had asked.

"Just Roxas. So, we're going home now?" I cringed at the word home. That little dorm room had always felt more home-like than anywhere else, and soon it would be gone. I could feel my mood shift into something unpleasant.

"Yep. Got some drinks and now all we need is to relax and enjoy the rest of the day," Riky replied.

"You mean night." I sighed at the setting sun. I didn't want today to end. Simple as that.

"Hey now, no being depressed. We still have all night, then." Riku's voice wasn't convincing me that we had time because I knew we didn't.

Lucky for me, we had the correct substances to make me forget about time. Coming home to a few shots was enough to get me tipsy. I was a light weight; I knew it.

Riku grabbed Battleship, insisting we took a shot whenever one of our ships sank. I immediately remembered when we had bought that game. We were taking a walk around campus and noticed that there was a rummage sale in the square. We joked around, throwing Beanie Babies at each other. The guy selling the Beanies was getting pissed. He pulled the whole "Buy something or leave" thing. So Riku paid a dollar for Battleship. It was one of those says I would miss having while I worked for my "dream job" at the magazine.

The only dream I had was falling asleep next to Riku every night.

I didn't want to bring the night down, so I continued to drink. Riku was drinking twice as much as me, making a difficult pace for me to keep up with. After two games, Riku was falling all over himself. I giggled at my friend.

"What now?" I asked.

In about two seconds I found myself in a bear hug. I couldn't keep the smile from my lips. I was drunk, but not retarded. I knew that this hug was just a product of Riku's drunkenness, but at this point I didn't care.

So, when Riku suggested we watched porn, I didn't object. Riku had a fiancé, but I was the one with the four-year claim on him. I was waiting for the right time, damn it. And now was as good as ever. I grabbed my laptop and a beer. I took a seat next to Riku on the futon and started up the sex fest.

Riku successfully drank my beer for me. I shook my head. He didn't need more alcohol in him. He was oblivious to his phone vibrating, but I wasn't. I was fully aware that Kairi was trying to check up on him. I also was fully aware that I didn't care.

As men violated each other on my laptop, I looked at Riku. He was making a face at the naked men. I couldn't help but giggle. Just then Riku turned to me and I was fully aware of how much he had to drink.

His lips slid over mine. The alcohol, heat, emotions, everything messed with my head and I couldn't tell myself I was doing the wrong thing. Not when the wrong thing felt so good.

And Riku was . . . laughing at me?

I made a face at him only to be stopped by his lips meeting mine.

It was like all the shots and beers hit me at once. I was suddenly standing with Riku. Walking over to my bed with Riku. Getting groped by Riku.

I didn't know what I was doing. I had never passed second base and Riku was rounding third as he lifted my shirt over my head. I closed my eyes for a minute. It felt like my brain was going to pour out of my ears. His lips caressed my neck. "Riku . . ." I said with a soft moan.

"Sora," Riku's breath hitched. He kissed my lips with what I thought was emotion, not drunken lust, only to stop. "Sora, I've wanted to be with you for so long. I wish it was you, not Kairi."

This is where my breathing stopped. My mouth opened and closed; I probably looked like a fish. I was searching for something to say that wouldn't sound corny or stupid.

I settled for: "But you've had me all along. I want to be with you, too."

"Then let me have you."

His words echoed in my ears. I knew this wasn't the right way to go about things. You weren't supposed to be drunk when you told your love all your emotions and your first time wasn't supposed to be with someone who was engaged, but I didn't care. Someone once told me your true feelings came out when you were drunk. I decided to go with that.

This was Riku. My Riku. And he wanted me, not her. I couldn't deny him anything.

I told him yes by kissing his neck.

Riku had been gentle for as trashed as I guessed he was. Every feeling was new and I cherished every one of them. It had been a blur, but a blur I could almost understand.

After we had finished, we lay together on his bed, neither of us bothering to get dressed. I liked my place in Riku's arms and didn't want to move. He simply stroked my arm. I was surprised he hadn't passed out yet.

"Sora," Riku began, "I wish I could be with you forever. I wish you wanted me like she wanted me."

I paused. I wasn't expecting him to speak let alone say those things. By the time I was about to speak, I noticed Riku's eyes were closed and his breathing was even. He had fallen asleep.

But I couldn't. I lay there for hours waiting for my brain to finish processing the night. I couldn't help but think Riku was just drunk and none of this meant anything. I wanted there to be something I could do to stop him.

So I got up. I could see the sun rising through our small window. I opened it to let in much needed fresh air. I sat on the floor with my trusted notebook and wrote. I scribbled things out, drew arrows, erased – the works. I wanted this to be perfect.

But as I continued writing, my words became more emotional. I could feel myself blaming him for wanting to marry her. I thought of all the horrible things she had said and wrote them all down. I made sure my sentences were making sense and then added a few more.

I added an ultimatum: either chose her and lose me, or dismiss her and have me in any sense you wanted.

In the past few minutes I realized I could never have Riku as long as she was there as his wife. She would never let us be as closed as we wished.

I felt the tears building but had to press on. I had to stick true to my word. I started packing all of my things and taking trips out to my car. I took my time. I had to make sure this was what I wanted.

I walked back into mine and Riku's room. Nothing was left of mine, besides my best friend and the letter. I glanced at the clock. It was 11 a.m. Surely he would be waking soon. Graduation was in a few hours.

I took the letter and slipped it into an envelope I found in Riku's mess of papers. I wrote Riku's name on the front and placed it on his pillow, where I had been sleeping.

I knew it was time to leave, but my legs wouldn't let me. I instead sat on the edge of his bed and brought my knees to my chest. Tears streamed across my face, but I wouldn't close my eyes.

This could be the last time I saw him.

I felt my phone buzz. It was Roxas. I would call him back in a few. I saw Riku turn in his sleep to land on my letter. I was sure he would see it anyway.

Then it was time to say goodbye. I stood beside his sleeping body and kissed his cheek. "I love you, " I whispered and then walked out of the only place that had really felt like home to me.

I walked quickly down the hall. I wanted to get to my car and cry. I wanted to cry for the next few hours; for I knew they would be the longest of my life.

But then I saw her. Kairi. The bitch who'd taken him from me.

We exchanged glares and she walked by. I panicked for a minute, thinking she would find my letter, but then remember it was hidden beneath Riku. I exhaled and made it to my car. I decided to call Roxas before the waterworks started.

"Sora! Where have you been? My mom wants you to come to lunch with us. You're parents are here, too."

"Roxas . . ." The tears were welling up again. "Something happened last night."

"Did you tell him?" I could hear the excitement in his voice.

"Well, kinda." And I explained it all to him. The drinking, the sex, the letter, the ultimatum. Everything.

"So . . . you're going to stick by this? You're not even going to walk today?" I could hear disappointment, similar disappointment I was sure to hear from my parents when I told them I wouldn't be walking to get my diploma as planned.

"No, I'm going to call the office and have them ship it to my new address. I need to get the fuck out of here as soon as I hear from Riku."

"I guess I understand. We'll miss seeing you."

"I'll miss you guys, too. But at least we're living close to each other." And the pang of knowing Riku wouldn't be set in again. I took a deep breath and tried to make it through the pain.

"Sora? Don't freak out just yet. He hasn't made his decision. Hang in there."

"Just please, please, please don't tell Axel. Pretend I'm sick or something. Just don't tell him anything. He'll tell Riku and I don't want anything affecting Riku's decision."

"I get it. He is a loud mouth. Well I gotta get going. Mom's impatient."

"It's cool. Happy graduation. See you later."

"Same to you. Bye, Sora."

And then he hung up. I made the calls to the office and my parents quickly. I didn't know how much I could stand before the panicking started. And sure enough, as soon as my mother hung up, I was in tears.

The minutes were pressing on and Riku was nowhere to be found. I glanced at the clock. The ceremony had started. I thought he would come before everything started. I was starting to lose hope. I thought he would come to me regardless of what the answer would be, but maybe he loved that whore so much he was pissed about everything I had said.

And just as I was about to leave, I saw Riku running toward my car. He flung the door open. "Sora . . . I'm sorry. I'm sorry about last night. Can we get past it?"

I tried to decipher what he was saying. Was that a "I want to be friends because sex was weird with you and not be with Kairi" or a "I want to be with Kairi and be your friend." After a few moments, I decided on the latter. "Riku . . . I accept your apology. I just wish this hadn't happened. I'll miss you." I figured he would get the vibe that I took his words as he was leaving, this was he could either flip out and tell me to stay or just wish me a good life.

"I'll miss you, too, but you're coming up with Axel in the summer, right?" And he was basically wishing me a good life. Obviously, Riku wasn't accepting my ultimatum and trying to work between the lines and get the best of both worlds. Something I couldn't so any longer. Angry tears fell from my eyes.

"No, Riku. I'm not coming. We will be apart." The next few words would be hard, but I hoped he would understand them. "Please, just leave me be. It's what I need. It's what you need. You have Kairi now." I saw the redhead driving like a moron toward the car. "Just go and forget about this."

Riku's face changed. I felt like I had just crumbled his world, but hadn't he crumbled mine?

"If that is what you want . . . ." He started out of the car.

I looked away, closing my eyes. "Yes, Riku, please. Leave." If I looked at him, I knew I would change my response.

"Sora. You're my best friend. I love you, you know that. When you're ready, I'll be here. Just tell me what's wrong."

I didn't bother looking at him. More angry tears would have blurred my vision anyway. I had already told him what was wrong. It was her. I couldn't live in a world where she and my best friend were married.

"I already told you. I need you to leave. You're what's wrong." I didn't understand why he still hadn't got it. He just needed to understand she was hurting me. And he couldn't. I needed to leave.

I heard his footsteps as he walked away from the car. I turned over the ignition and sped away.

I never looked back.

I told you there was a lot more. =) Review, please.