CHAPTER FOUR
Bart reckoned it was a weekend afternoon well spent.
Putting his feet up, sitting back on the couch, the idiot box lit up, a good game of football on, a Duff bottle held firmly in his right hand, and nacho cheese chicken crumb stains all over his checkered shirt, incriminating evidence that he had been raiding the family feast portion of the fridge and tucking into a fine meal ahead of the evening.
If she were anything like his mother, Bart would be lectured on that for hours.
Bart could be the sensitive sort, but he knew when to bottle himself up, but women always made him weak at the knees. Their disapproval of him always made him cry more.
He cast his mind back to when Edna gave him an F.
He felt so trapped that day, so helpless. That nothing he said or did mattered to anyone.
So he spoke out. He tried to turn the tide. In a moment of kindness from God, fate, whatever you want to call it, Edna caved in and changed her grading.
And Bart kissed her.
Women. No matter what the age, they had an influence on his soul, pulling him in so many directions, sometimes a benefit or a blight to others depending on the people he met.
One thing that concerned him was how flawed most of them were. Even the adults like Edna.
Jessica, the rest, they were negative influences despite their saintly looks.
Even Laura, beautiful Laura, gravitated to the bad boys. Just ask Jimbo Jones.
Just ask Bart Simpson.
But as adult life eventually seeped into his own, Bart didn't feel like much else could happen that he hadn't accomplished as a child. The 'bad boy days' as he knew them seemed to peak at the age where he was still just a boy.
He was barely out of his teens now, settled, committed. He always had visions of futures where none of this would work if he stayed who he was as a youngster.
Everything ending in the worst case scenario.
Broken hearts, weak knees, court battles, custody clashes.
"Not here" he thought, "This is what I have, and it's something I'll work hard at keeping . They deserve it. I deserve it"
He looked at the photos on the mantelpiece. Photo booth kissing, riding bikes down a lavish hillside, a picnic near the power plant, pretending to tuck into a three-eyed fish.
Homer actually taking it too far in one photo and coming close to feeding Maggie it.
Bart grinned.
Homer.
Maybe a call was in order.
He got off his Kester and moved over to the phone, he dialled up the familiar numbers that connected him to his family abode on Evergreen Terrace.
"Hello? Do we want any?" came a laboured and lazy voice, "I know Marge always tells me to say we don't want any, but I'd like to give it a whirl if the price isn't so steep"
"No Homer, I'm not trying to sell you jack, it's just me" Bart said.
"Boy" Homer said, before bursting into a fit of laughter, "How's the game? The Spring Steps are getting jacked right off the pitch at the moment"
"Laura bet on the Shelby shooters. I'll be tucking into a bigger and better meal tonight with those earnings" Bart replied.
"Whatever happened to rooting for the homer-town team?" Homer replied.
"You know this happens whenever a nest is emptied" Bart responded, picking up one of the photos of Homer covered in mud and aggressively attacking a cameraman from the period he was mistaken for Bigfoot. "Sometimes you just go a bit ape for the alternatives"
"How's little Lisa?" asked Homer, "And don't sugar coat it….hmmm….sugar coating…."
"Train of thought Homer" Bart urged, "Stay on track"
"Yeah, totally. How is she?" he asked.
"She's alright, all things considered. Was thinking of calling in a favour from an old face"
"I'll be there in a jiffy…unless you mean Grandpa, if so, he'll be there more all tipsy"
"He's still drinking?" Bart replied, "At his age?"
"Told me it was just a little, but at the rate he's going, a little is more than a lot"
"I didn't mean Grandpa, or you, I meant Krusty" said Bart.
"Be wise boy, Krusty isn't so sure on summons these days. One time he went to a birthday bash, and a few drinks later, he ended up taking the 'bash' part a little too literally"
"That was more a grown-up's gig. He adapts different mentalities where that's concerned" Bart said, "This will be with kids, he'll sort everything out"
"Let's hope you're right boy, I'd hate the kids to be standing in another's rain. D'OH. Sorry boy, had a bit of a lady mondegreen there"
"Dad, you got it right" Bart replied
"Got what right?" said Homer
"The mondegreen. The misheard lyric, you actually got it right, everyone interprets it as 'standing in another's grave', but the rain part is exactly right"
"Whoo-Hoo" Homer yelled in triumph.
"Take care Homer…Dad…I love you" Bart replied, and after a hearty exchange of that, he put the phone down.
The buzzer on the door went off. Laura and the baby were home. Bart let them through.
As Laura made her way upstairs and entered the apartment, she examined Bart's shirt and casually shook her head while smiling.
"Did the Springsters lose their step? Because if not you are so paying for the diner tonight" she replied.
"Rival school is the rule of cool so far" Bart said.
"So 90s" Laura continued, removing her jacket before scooping Maize up in her arms.
"How'd her jab go at the clinic?" Bart asked.
"Valiant with the vaccine" said Laura, "How about you? You still want to make the call to your Clown?"
"Well, I've already run rings around a member of the family circus, how can one from an actual one hurt?" replied Bart.
"You sure you can pull off a convincing female voice over the phone?" she said, "He'll still think you're Kristy"
"Hey, you know how long I've been practicing, I'm starting to think a women's voice fits me like a glove" Bart joked.
"Still wondering why I won't do it?" asked Laura, pinching his cheek.
"Tell me over dinner. I can digest anything you say better than anything on a plate" said Bart