Chapter 4: No need for Props!!
Disclaimer: I don't own anything but the Duck, Riku's blindfold, and 50 of the props in this chapter.
NOTE: The name Dio-Chan and Dion will be used interchangeably from this chapter on. Thank you!
"Ok. Question one…" Riku began, holding up one finger to emphasize his statement. "… when the hell did you get my pants?"
Selphie blinked, "I like totally took them when you first arrived!" She said, sounding extremely proud of herself.
"Alright. Question two…" Riku continued, holding up the index finger on his opposite hand to further emphasize his statement. "…why?"
"Why? WHY?! BECAUSE I'M, LIKE, TOTALLY EVILE!!! THAT'S WHY!!!" she spouted suddenly.
Leon rolled his eyes. "Told ya. Now, will you untie me?" he asked calmly.
"Uh… sure…" Riku replied, eye focused on Selphie as she continued to rant about the various reasons why she was evil, and as she proceeded to do an Evile Chicken Dance of Doom. Kairi soon joined.
As soon as Leon as untied, the trio decided not to sneak away quietly but to scream and flail themselves all the way to the front gate to be dramatic.
During their freedom-flail, Riku's fashionably stylish cloak flew off of him to reveal his cute smiley boxers.
Silently, while still running, Riku cursed whatever unknown force had made it so that he lost his pants twice in the same story-line with an angry shake of his still-gloved fist.
And just to prove a point unknown to anyone but himself, Riku kicked the Duck and laughed again at it for quacking.
As the smoke cleared, Tifa wasn't surprised to see Sephiroth still standing. In fact, he was more than standing, he was busy admiring his nails. A feat that proved fruitless, since his hands were gloved.
He found himself thanking whomever his supposed god was for the thought bubbles had ceased to annoy him. Or else the above statement would've been aired for everyone in the surprisingly empty Midgar to see.
After a minute of silence, he broke the ice with, "You know what? I think I'll accompany you to see the young Shinra…" Sephiroth talked at Tifa.
People like Sephiroth don't 'talk to' people like Tifa, who normally wouldn't have been given the time of day in his eyes, they 'talk at' them.
"I can't believe I'm lowering myself to talking at common slum filth, much less supposedly dead common slum filth…" He found himself thinking, and was happy to have the freedom of unrestricted thinking his again.
"Good…" Tifa voiced, "I'm sure the Shinra will be more than happy to see you again."
"There is seriously something wrong with her…" Sephiroth thought as he followed her down one particularly foul-smelling alleyway.
"You know what…?" Yuffie began.
"No talky!! Just fight!! NOW!!" Rikku screamed.
"Wait! Just listen! The Voices have spoken to me and told me that you and I should join forces."
"Why…?" Rikku began to rock back and forth steadily.
"Because whomever is writing this is running out of ideas for our section and she's thinking about forgetting us on purpose and denying our existence." Yuffie said tranquilly.
Rikku stopped rocking as if to consider Yuffie's offer. "What do I get outta this?" she asked suspiciously.
"Uh… um… you get the glory of serving the Will of the Voices!" Yuffie said cheerfully.
"Well, that lame…" Rikku said and as if none of their meeting ever happened walked away.
Sora was thoroughly tired of hanging out with Ghost Cloud and his Ghost Posse. It was nothing but a bunch of old, smelly men around their mid-40's and all they did all day was play poker, gamble, and make lewd remarks towards Aerith that even she didn't deserve. One had even started to flirt with Sora. Also, Sora had been foolish enough to sleep in the presence of these men and awoke to find his zipper slightly unzipped.
This scared the poor kid senseless and he decided to take his leave of the pub. Upon approaching the exit he turned and said, "To hell with you and all your plans of revenge!!" before storming out the door.
When he realized that his comment had gone completely ignored, he stuck his head back in the door and said 'Sephiroth' fifty times and smiled wryly at the response of the choir.
"That should last him a couple days…" He chuckled to himself as he embarked on his new journey to discover the meaning of cheese.
"Riku, do you have any idea where we are?" Leon asked exasperatedly. He was glad to be away from Kairi at last and be in the company or a couple of actually somewhat intellectual beings. Though, Riku had lost six smart points by shoving his finger up his nose and drooling lightly. (Riku's Smart Count: 100 – 6 94)
"Um… Destiny Islands… the last time I checked, but I really don't remember Selphie having a giant pink castle…" Riku scratched his head. "Oh, well."
"So… you might know where civilization and possible a phone or another communicational device is?" Leon asked as hope sparked within him.
"Yeah, I know where a pub is, actually." Riku said.
"There's a pub on this wretched island…?" Leon asked in disbelief.
"Uh-huh…" Riku replied nonchalantly.
"Why didn't Kairi mention it?" Leon wondered aloud. And then he dropped that thought. "Why would Kairi mention it?" he revised aloud. Yeah, that one made more sense.
"Riku-Sensei, isn't that your friend Sora stumbling towards us?" Dion (AKA Dio-Chan) asked.
Without questioning the little duck on how he could possibly know what Sora looked like let alone that he was his friend, Riku nodded his head slowly.
"Why is he stumbling all over the place?" he asked the air. The air then replied with a short but very strong gust that knocked poor Sora over onto the beach face first.
"He looks a little drunk…" Leon commented as he squinted his eyes to see Sora struggled to get to his feet and fall again.
Riku walked over to the poor brunette teen and helped him up "Damn, kid. It looks like you've been through seven layers of Hell." He claimed.
"Yeah, well it feels like it." Sora said and he dusted himself off. "Uh… Riku… why are you in your box-" he started, but seeing the glare that Riku shot at him made him stop his inquiry.
"How long have you been wandering around?" Riku asked.
Sora scratched his head, "Since I left that pub a scene-change back…" he reached for a copy of the To-Be-Finished Script and handed it to Riku.
The Bishie thumbed through the pages. "So that's what Yuffie's been up to since Chapter One…"
"Wait! What did you do with my Keyblade?" Sora asked suddenly.
"Oh, shit… um… I think I left it at the store…" Riku recalled.
Sora snatched the To-Be-Finished Script from Riku, and browsed through the pages until he reached Chapter Three. "You left my Keyblade… in a store in a Corridor of Darkness?!" Sora flung the Script Dion.
Riku picked the Script off the Duck. "Yup… looks like it… my bad." He said apologetically.
"And how do you expect me to get it back? I can't just go waltzing into enemy territory unarmed! That's suicide!" Sora blurted out.
"Yeah… that's pretty big pickle you got yourself into…" Leon remarked. Riku and Dion nodded their heads accordingly.
"What the…? This is all HIS FAULT!!" Sora pointed at Riku.
"Hey, I know you're upset, but that's no reason to blame anyone!" Riku asserted.
"IT'S YOUR FAULT!!" Sora twitched in Riku's general direction. He then snatched the Script back from Riku again and found the beginning of Chapter Two. "See? Right there, you stole my Keyblade!" he shoved the Script into Riku's face.
Leon took the Script. "Yup, that's what it says. Damn, Riku were you on drugs or something…?"
Riku ignored Leon's question, "Fine. We'll just have to go back to Selphie's Castle."
"W-what? Why? What's wrong with you?!" Leon sputtered.
"We have to go back to get Sora's Keyblade… and I can't dark portal anywhere without my Cloak of EVILE," Riku explained and he wiggled his fingers in correspondence with the word 'evile'. "Luckily, I left a small rift in Selphie's Castle."
"Nope, I'm not going anywhere near that castle." Leon stated.
"Since when did Selphie have a castle…?" Sora wondered aloud.
"I know! That's what I said!" Riku exclaimed.
"Well, it doesn't really matter now." Leon said.
"Why?" Riku and Sora asked in unison.
"Because of the scene change." He stated matter-of-factly.
"What scene change?" Riku asked.
"Hey! That's not fair!" Sora objected. "I thought this was a scene change!" he looked at Leon expectedly.
"Well… there was a change of scenery…" Riku observed.
They were on the far end of a murky dungeon. In the center was a chair and behind the chair, Sora noticed, there were two figures dancing oddly.
"Is that… Selphie?" he wondered aloud.
Leon hiccupped.
"Haha… they're still dancing?" Riku chuckled.
"… You know why else I'm EVILE?" Selphie asked.
"Why" Kairi asked.
"Because… I purposely flip my hair this way just to annoy the shit outta people!" She cackled and continued to dance.
"I knew it…" Sora breathed. Riku nudged Sora and pointed to a greenish-blackish-purplish hole beside the chair. Apparently, Selphie and Kairi were to into their Evile Chicken Dance of Doom to notice the four figures walking calmly to the hole and hopping in one by one.
"And you know what else?" Selphie asked.
"No. What?" Kairi answered.
"I like totally killed Tidus!" Selphie shrieked with joy.
"Ooh, ooh! What did you do with the body?" Kairi asked.
"It's in my bedroom closet!!" Selphie answered.
"This is a Corridor of Darkness…?" Sora asked skeptically.
"Yup, sure is." Riku confirmed.
"But it's so… bright…" Sora observed. Indeed, the Corridor was vibrant with lime green, cyan, pink, and lavender.
"So…. Where's the darkness?" Leon asked equally as skeptical as Sora.
"Close your eyes." Riku smirked. He took a couple steps in a random direction. Sora couldn't really tell which.
"Where's this store?" He asked Riku. Riku paused and scratched his head. "Uh… let's see…" he looked around. "I think it may be over there…" he pointed in a random direction that seemed to go nowhere.
"That looks promising…" Leon commented.
"Wha?" Sora coughed. In the direction Riku pointed, several white-cloaked figures had spawned from the radiant pinkish-lavender ground.
"Are those Nobodies?" Sora asked.
"What are they doing…?" Riku asked as he squinted to get a better view.
"It looks like they're... dancing…" Leon remarked.
Actually, they were dancing. Little did the tetrad know… these Nobodies were practicing their synchronized dancing. You can't win Tri-City Finals without week of practice. Unfortunately for these Nobodies, our tetrad didn't stop to ponder the possibility of Nobodies practicing for a Dance Competition. Yes, Riku and Leon leapt upon the seven of so Dusks and slaughtered them all without a second thought.
Sephiroth decided that he was tired of seeing the back of Tifa's head, so he fixed the problem. He really wanted to fix it permanently, but he was sleepy as was he aware that he hadn't eaten since Chapter One. Killing Tifa would've robbed him of a little energy that he surely would need in the near future.
Nope. He just took a random right turn, leaving Tifa to talk to the air to the air instead of him. The air soon grew tired of her as well and a particularly strong gust of wind knocked her face down.
"Now, find food…" he said to himself.
Yuffie was walking down a forest path. The Voices had instructed her to go and find 'someone who's not exactly there.'
Having no earthly idea who or what they meant, she mindlessly followed a very slow turtle. There was something very suspicious about the particular turtle. It kept turning around and looking at her and then continuing on its way. Once or twice she could've sworn that it had even winked at her. One thing she did know is that it had the most stupid smile she had ever seen across its face.
Before she knew what she was doing, she found herself talking to the turtle. First she told it about her travels, then about her childhood, and then her Voices and their Will. She talked, and talked, and talked. Finally, the turtle turned to her again, twitched slightly, and bellowed, "Shuddap!!!!!" It then sped down the path.
"What was that all about?" She wondered aloud. She continued to skip down the road until she came to an opening in the forest. In the opening was the biggest, pinkest, doomiest castle she had ever laid eyes on.
Sora, Riku, Leon and Dion were all walking in a random direction Riku had pointed out. To Sora, everything looked the same. He thought Riku may have known which way they were going, so he decided to refrain from asking any questions.
"Uh… Riku-Sensei, is it me or are we traveling in a circle?" Dion finally voiced after a long time with nothing but the echo of feet hitting the ground.
"No, no… what makes you think that?" Riku asked.
"Because this is the fifth or sixth time we've passed those dead Nobodies…" Leon pointed out.
"Shilly shally, dilly dally…" Riku muttered. Everyone then looked at the silver-haired Bishie.
"If… I ever say that EVER again… I want one of you to punch me as hard as you can in the face." Riku said flatly.
"Done and done." Sora said. He'd wanted to hit Riku for three entire Chapters.
"That's nice everyone, but I think we should go a different way now. I'm tired of seeing those dead Nobodies and they're starting to smell…" Leon said. Besides, Leon mentally noted that Riku's 'shilly shally' statement dropped him five smart points. (Riku's Smart Count: 96 – 5 91)
"Oh… ok… how about that way?" Riku offered pointing in another random direction.
"You know what? Let me choose this time…" Sora proposed, and everyone save Riku seconded the proposal.
Sora looked around and decided to head toward the direction that the colors were flowing from.
"It looks like we're on the right track, Sora." Leon said when the light began to get brighter. Finally on the horizon, they could see the top of a building.
"Hey, Riku, is that it? Is that were my Keyblade is?" Sora asked anxiously.
"Yup, looks like it." He confirmed.
Sora did a little wiggle of joy. He was thoroughly pleased.
Riku pushed the door open and the foursome entered. The store was completely empty except for beef jerky and a slurpee machine.
"Wow… what a selection…" Leon commented under his breath.
"What was that?' A red-head said from behind the counter.
"Nothing…" Leon shuffled backwards.
"Hey, have you seen a Keyblade?" Sora asked him.
"Nope. 'Fraid I haven't" he scratched his head carelessly. "I haven't had any business at all. Except for this strange kid with silver hair who came in and just stared at me and took off with a slurpee and a half-eaten piece of jerky." He waved his hand in the air. "At least, I think he was staring at me… couldn't really tell, what with the blindfold he had on…" he shrugged.
All eyes turned to Riku, who had shrunk down out of sight behind the slurpee machine.
"Riku-Sensei! You didn't steal from this nice man, did you?" Dion asked.
"Shhh!! Or he'll know I'm back here…!" Riku whispered urgently.
"Riku, get you ass out here." Sora demanded.
"Hey! Riku! I thought that was you! I couldn't tell when you had that blindfold on!" the red-head spurted.
"Uh… heh… hey, Axel." He said as he emerged from behind the machine.
"You own me four munny." Axel put his hand out to accept the currency.
"Not fair! That beef jerky was already half-eaten when I found it!" Riku protested.
"Fine, I'll charge you half of the beef jerky price. So that's still three munny." He said.
Riku mumbled something unintelligible under his breath as he dug into the pocket of his pants that he had somehow slipped on without anyone noticing until now. "Here, happy?"
"Thank you, much." Axel said as placed it in the register.
"Are you sure you haven't seen my Keyblade?" Sora asked one more time.
"Abs-atively, pos-atutley." Axel said.
"Wait, what?" Sora asked.
Axel sighed, "Yes, I'm sure I haven't seen it… man, you're dense…"
"Isn't he?" Riku agreed
Sora turned to leave the store. Followed by Leon, Riku, and little Dion.
Outside, Sora had a mini-fit at Riku.
"Think! Where were you before you came here?" he screamed.
"Um… at the entrance of Selphie's Castle…"
"So, we have to go ALL THE WAY BACK?!" Sora screamed.
"No… there should be a dark portal in here that leads back to the entrance of the castle…" Riku said.
"Great! Where is it?" Sora asked. Riku scratched his head and pointed in a random direction.
Yuffie stepped into the front gate. Someone left it open. She noticed a black cloak on the ground near the entrance. "Huh… I guess someone's in their tightie-whities…" she noted. She pushed the large front doors open and entered the castle.
She noticed a portal out of the corner of her eye. She touched it and it shocked her. She looked around.
"Wow… its dark in here…" She aloud. She was greeted by a little squeak. Upon closer inspection, she noted that it wasn't a squeak. It was an extremely small creature saying "Hey, hey!"
She optically swept the floor for the source of the voice. She caught sight of a little silver-haired person with big orange anime eyes with his back against a giant key. It looked heavy, but she got the vibe that it was seemingly weightless. Nonetheless, the chibi couldn't lift it.
"Hey, you! You have an EVILE glow about you. Lift this Keyblade and take it to that room for me!" The little chibi squeaked at her.
Yuffie saw this as a great way to get some free stuff so she asked, "What's in it for me?"
Ansem Chibi rolled his eyes, "You get the honor of having served the Great Ansem Chibi and his Master."
Yuffie stood straight and proclaimed, "I serve no man! I serve only the Voices!"
"And what do you get in return? Hm? No honor, no glory, not even pay!" Ansem Chibi spat. "At least you'll have a premium dental care package if you served us permanently!"
"A good servant needs no glory or honor or premium dental care packages!" Yuffie declared proudly.
"Well… what about donuts?" Ansem Chibi replied slyly.
"What about 'em?" Yuffie asked cluelessly.
"You get all you can eat if you serve us…"
"… For free?" Yuffie asked cautiously.
"For free." Ansem Chibi confirmed.
"Wait… I need to ask…" Yuffie sat down. "They say… 'What kind?'"
"Oh, all kinds… glazed, crème-filled, chocolate, vanilla, powdered…" Ansem Chibi counted with his fingers.
"Ok… now they say, 'how do we know that we'll get these donuts?'" Yuffie said.
"Um… a contract. We'll have it in writing." Ansem Chibi said.
"Ok… Deal!" Yuffie shot to her feet.
"Good, good…" Ansem Chibi said and a piece of paper flared into existence in front of Yuffie's face. "Just sign on the dotted lines…" and a writing utensil flared into existence beside the paper.
"This… isn't a pen… it's a really sharp needle…" Yuffie observed and looked to Ansem Chibi for guidance.
"Yes, well, we do need you to sign in blood… it just won't work otherwise…"
Yuffie pricked her finger and signed the bottom of the paper hastily and it disappeared in a breath of flame.
"Good, good." Ansem Chibi said once again, "…welcome to our ranks." He said.
"Thanks!" Yuffie bowed. "What're my first orders?"
"Take this Keyblade into that room." Ansem Chibi pointed to a nearby room.
Finally, Cloud had killed the last of the choir members. They just kept coming, like ants. "Peace at last…" he thought aloud… until Aerith yelled from the couch, "Honey! The dog threw up again!"
"For the last time, woman, we don't own a damn dog!" Cloud snapped.
"Oh… I guess it was me again… sorry. Be a dear and come clean it up. You know I think you're sexy when you clean…" she winked.
Cloud full-body shuddered. "That's just fucking disgusting…" He thought.
He somehow forgot about his revenge on Sephiroth and decided instead to seek revenge on Sora. Yes, he was sure that somehow, some way he was responsible for that choir. Cloud left out the door, leaving Aerith to clean up her own mess.
After about three hours of walking in a random direction picked out by, you guessed it, Riku the Incompetent, Sora took it upon himself once again to save the party from walking in endless circles.
"We're not lost!" Riku protested. "There's the store right there!" he pointed behind him. Sora could've sworn he saw Axel in the window waving. Then again… he could've been just a little delirious from drinking that slurpee.
"How's this? Why don't we just follow Sora since he obviously know were we're going…" Leon stated.
"He does not! He found the store by a complete and utter fluke!" Riku protested.
Riku had just rose four smart points by using the words 'utter' and 'fluke' in the same sentence Leon decided. (Riku's Smart Count: 91 + 4 95)
"Riku, you're being a dumbass! Look, let's just go back in and ask Axel for directions, okay?" Sora said somewhat composedly.
The group agreed with this idea and filed in one-by-one into the small store once again.
"Back so soon?" Axel greeted them.
"Axel, you wouldn't happen to know how to… uh… get out of here would you." Sora asked.
Axel pointed to the door. "Man, you really are dense, aren't you?"
"How do you get out of the Corridor of Darkness, moron?" Leon catechized.
"Heck if I know…" he said.
"What, do you just live in this store, then?" Riku laughed.
Axel pointed behind the cash register to a stack of blankets and a pillow. "Yeah, uh, pretty much." He said.
"How did you get in here?" Sora asked.
Axel sucked in air. "Well… about a year ago… I was, uh… playing hide-and-seek with Demyx… and… well, I decided to hide in a Corridor of Darkness. Larxene thought it would be funny to seal the rift I left and… well, I can't make any more portals… so, and here I am, stuck in here."
"Seriously?" Sora asked.
"Yup." Axel confirmed.
"Why can't you make any more dark portals?" Leon asked.
Axel motioned toward his jeans and shirt which he was currently wearing. "I'm not wearing my cloak…"
"What does that have to do with making dark portals?" Sora wondered.
"Weren't you paying attention back on Page Five? The power is in the cloak." Riku said.
"Oh, well, that sucks!" Sora said.
"Tell me about it…" Axel agreed.
"So you've been living here all alone for a whole year?" Leon asked.
"Well, not exactly alone. I had some Dusks keep me company. I spent my time teaching them how to dance." Axel said. "That is when I wasn't busy with this store. Do you know how many people come through a Corridor of Darkness? None."
Riku and Leon looked at each other nervously.
"Actually, I haven't seen those Dusks anytime today… I wonder where they are…"
Riku cleared his throat. "Hey, Axel, why don't you come with us?"
"Sure… why not? It's not like I'll be taking any financial blows from leaving the store." He smirked. "Still… I'd like to tell the guys I'm leaving…"
"Oh, I'm sure they'll be fine!" Leon clapped Axel on the back.
"Alright, if you say so…" Axel agreed reluctantly. And all five of them left the store.
"Enough dancing!" Selphie spouted suddenly. Kairi halted and after staring at the dentist's chair for about three minutes, broke out with, "Holy fook, where'd Lemon go?!"
Selphie and Kairi investigated the chair thoroughly.
"Hey, Selphie! What about this darkish-portal-ish thingy?" Kairi asked pointing to the dark portal beside the chair.
Selphie stepped closer to the portal. "Hm… I think this was already here…" She said. "But I don't remember where it goes…"
"I know! Maybe Lemon went into it!" Kairi suggested.
"Yeah! I think we should go in after him." Selphie replied.
"Good plan! But who'll watch over your Castle while we're gone?"
"Don't worry! I have minions!" Selphie cackled. She jumped into the dark portal and Kairi followed.
"Apparently, whenever I fall asleep… I jump dimensions… or some shit like that…" Sephiroth said to a turtle on the shore. Why he was talking to a turtle he had no idea. Maybe he thought that since it was a turtle it wasn't likely to spout something idiotic. Or maybe because the stupid smile across its face provoked random conversations. Either way, Sephiroth was talking to it.
The turtle nodded as if it understood everything Sephiroth had been through. Sephy had a strong urge to pick the turtle up and hug it. After about two minutes of staring at one another, Sephiroth finally yielded to this urge and picked up the turtle and hugged it, "Oh, Turtle-Friend! I love you!"
Seph then hiccupped. "What… the fuck did I just say…?" he said. He set the turtle down and backed away slowly.
Axel proved to be a big help, no matter how damn random he was Sora thought. Thanks to him, the company was able to reach the dark portal in under an hour.
Again, Sora did a little wiggle of joy. No one questioned the brunette as he stopped to wiggle a bit, but Axel did think it was a little strange.
"Ok, people, are you ready?" Riku asked.
"Uh… ready for what… exactly?" Axel asked.
"We're going back into Selphie's Castle." Sora explained.
"Back to where?"
"You'll see." Leon stated flatly.
"Me first!" Riku squealed and he jumped into the portal followed by Dion.
After standing there for a couple of seconds, Sora burst out with, "What's with that duck?"
Leon shrugged, and Axel scratched his nose. "Do you notice how Riku keeps talking to it?" Leon asked.
"I know… I wasn't going to say anything about it." Sora said.
"Is it me or does it have a monocle?" Axel asked.
"Yeah… it has a monocle." Leon said.
"Weird, huh?" Sora said and he hopped into the portal followed by Leon and Axel.
Kairi was chasing the flowing colors in the Corridor of Darkness. She absolutely loved this place.
"Kairi, come on! We've gotta find Lemon!" Selphie voiced.
Kairi ran over to Selphie. "Which way should we go?" she asked.
"Uh… I don't know…" Selphie scratched her head.
"Ugh… what's that smell?" Kairi asked after walking a couple of steps forward.
"I have no idea…" Selphie said as she stepped up beside Kairi.
"I know! Let's go this way!" Kairi squeaked and pointed in a random direction.
"Ok!" Selphie followed Kairi.
Yuffie was surprised to see Riku and a little duck hop out of that portal. They stared at one another for about five minutes until Sora came crashing into Riku, followed by Leon and then Axel.
"H-hey! That's mine!" Sora sputtered and he pointed at Yuffie who had the Keyblade pressed close against her.
"Eep!" Yuffie squeaked and she ran into the main hallway.
"Wait!" Was all Sora got out before another abrupt ending smacked him in the face.
TO BE CONTINUED…
-Sigh- I'm running out of ideas!! Aaahhhh! Not cool… I need a muse... I like that band… meh… dance!!