Disclaimer: See Chapter One.
Author's Note: Thanks to everyone who's reviewed so far...hope you like this chapter!
Chapter Four: A Woman Aboard Is Bad Luck...
THE CAMERA SHOWS THE EMERALD LEAF HEADING TOWARDS SHORE. HYDE IS AT THE WHEEL, WITH LEO DOWN ON THE DECK SUPERVISING THE CREW. (IN OTHER WORDS, STARING OFF INTO SPACE WITH A GLAZED LOOK IN HIS EYES.) ERIC COMES ON DECK AND WALKS OVER TO HYDE. WE CAN SEE HE IS TRYING VERY HARD NOT TO BURST OUT LAUGHING.
HYDE:
(Looking at him funny) Forman, if you have to go potty, there's a bucket in your quarters.
ERIC:
(Grinning) Um, Hyde, remember how after Jackie came on board, she went back to shore with Mitch and Fenton and brought aboard a bunch of luggage?
HYDE:
Yeah, so? If she wants more space, tell her to forget it. I told her before she brought those on board they were gonna take up too much room, but she didn't want to listen...no surprise there.
ERIC:
No, she doesn't want more space...she um, kinda...redecorated.
HYDE'S GAZE SNAPS TO ERIC AS HE YELLS TO FENTON.
HYDE:
Get over here and take the wheel!
FENTON:
(Scrambles to do what HYDE says) Yes, Captain, sir.
HYDE shakes his head and heads below, with ERIC following.
CUT TO:
THE GIRLS' QUARTERS. HYDE WALKS INTO THE DOORWAY, STARTS, THEN PLACES A HAND ON EITHER SIDE OF THE DOORFRAME AND LOOKS IN THE ROOM, DARTING HIS HEAD BACK AND FORTH FRANTICALLY, HIS EYES WIDE.
THE CAMERA CUTS TO SHOW THE ROOM. PINK BLANKETS HAVE BEEN HUNG ON THE WALLS. THE FLOORS HAVE BEEN SCRUBBED AND SEVERAL STUFFED UNICORNS HANG FROM STRINGS TIED OVER THE RAFTERS. JACKIE'S BUNK HAS PINK BLANKETS ON IT AND FRILLY PILLOWS. DONNA'S BUNK, THANKFULLY STILL LOOKS THE SAME. DONNA IS SITTING ON HER BUNK, RED-FACED FROM TRYING NOT TO LAUGH AT HYDE. JACKIE IS SITTING ON HER BUNK, SMILING ADORINGLY AT HYDE.
WE CUT TO SHOW HYDE, WHO HAS GONE COMPLETELY ZEN, SAVE FOR THE TICKING MUSCLE IN HIS JAW THAT SAYS HE IS CLOSE TO LOSING IT.
HYDE:
(Calmly) Take. It. Down.
JACKIE:
(Offended) You don't like it, Steven?
HYDE:
(Exasperated) Jackie, this is a pirate ship! This is no place for all this frilly frou-frou crap!
JACKIE STOMPS OVER TO HER BUNK, SITS DOWN, CROSSES HER ARMS, AND POUTS, STICKING HER LOWER LIP OUT AND LOOKING OVER AT HYDE WITH BIG PUPPY EYES. WE CAN SEE HYDE TRYING DESPERATELY TO NOT GIVE IN.
HYDE:
(Gives up) Whatever, Jackie...just make sure the crew doesn't see this. I don't need any more grief.
AT THAT MOMENT, LEO POKES HIS HEAD IN THE DOOR.
LEO:
Whoa...Loud Girl redecorated! It's pink...I like pink!
JACKIE GRINS AT HYDE AS IF TO SAY 'YOU SEE?' HYDE ROLLS HIS EYES AND STOMPS OFF TO HIS OWN CABIN AS DONNA AND ERIC BURST OUT LAUGHING.
CUT TO:
HYDE'S CABIN AT THE STERN OF THE SHIP. HYDE ENTERS AND SLAMS THE DOOR BEHIND HIM. HE STARTS PACING THE ROOM, BUT NOTICES A MOVEMENT. HE TURNS AND THE CAMERA SHOWS HIS VIEW OF THE BAY OF WINDOWS AT THE STERN OF THE SHIP. THERE ARE NOW FRILLY LACE CURTAINS OVER THE WINDOWS, HYDE'S BED IS NEATLY FIXED, AND A HEART-SHAPED PILLOW AND STUFFED UNICORN ARE RESTING ON TOP OF THE NEATLY-MADE BED.
HYDE:
(His Zen forgotten) JACKIE! What the HELL did you do to my cabin?!
ERIC AND DONNA CAN BE HEARD ROARING WITH LAUGHTER OFF-CAMERA. HYDE LOOKS LIKE HE MIGHT LOSE IT.
HYDE:
(To himself) Ok, there's only one place we can go that'll make all this crap worthwhile...
CUT TO:
THE CAMERA SHOWS THE EMERALD LEAF PULLING INTO A HARBOR AND DROPPING ANCHOR.
CUT TO:
THE HELM. HYDE IS STANDING WITH HIS HAND ON THE SHIP'S WHEEL, WITH DONNA, ERIC, AND JACKIE BESIDE HIM.
HYDE:
(Turning to DONNA and ERIC) Welcome to "Funland", guys.
THE CAMERA PANS TO SHOW "FUNLAND", WHICH IS OTHERWISE KNOWN AS TORTUGA. MOST OF THE CREW MAKES A MAD DASH FOR THE BOATS, LEAVING ONLY ONE FOR HYDE, DONNA, ERIC, JACKIE, AND LEO. THE FIVE OF THEM MAKE THEIR WAY DOWN TO THE BOAT AND ERIC AND LEO BEGAN TO ROW FOR SHORE, WITH HYDE MANNING THE TILLER AT THE STERN.
DONNA:
(To ERIC) I wonder if your parents and my Dad know we're gone yet.
ERIC:
Well, when I don't show up for dinner or to help my Dad clean up the shop, I'm pretty sure my Mom will start asking questions. Eventually she'll convince my Dad to go to the fort and ask Kelso and Fez for help and they'll come after us.
HYDE SMIRKS.
HYDE:
Yeah, let's see how well that brilliant idea pans out.
CUT TO:
ANOTHER ROWBOAT, THIS TIME ONE OFF THE COAST. KITTY IS JUST SITTING THERE, BOB, RED, KELSO, AND FEZ ARE ROWING, AND BROOKE IS AT THE TILLER. BOB LOOKS TIRED, RED IS LOOKING AT KELSO LIKE HE WANTS TO KILL HIM, FEZ LOOKS PISSED OFF, BROOKE LOOKS EMBARRASSED, AND KELSO IS GRINNING LIKE AN IDIOT. KELSO'S UNIFORM, NOT SURPRISINGLY, IS A TOTAL MESS, HIS FACE IS BLACKENED, AND HIS HAIR IS A WILD MESS.
RED:
(Glowering at KELSO, who is sitting in front of him and to his right) DUMBASS!!!
KELSO:
(To the entire boat) Come on, guys...I said I was sorry. (A beat) But you gotta admit, that was the biggest explosion you've ever seen! That was AWESOME! (Laughs like an idiot)
FEZ:
(Spastically) Shut up, you son-of-a-bitch, before I kill you with my oar!
KELSO:
(Points at FEZ) You know one of the Commodore's jobs is to make sure there's enough gunpowder aboard in case we run into any pirates!
FEZ:
(Angrily) Yes, but you do not check how much is down there with a lit match...you use a lantern...ai! ¿No puedo creer que usted es tan estúpido... cuál es incorrecto con usted? (I cannot believe you're so stupid...what's wrong with you?)
KELSO:
(Spastically) The match burned my fingers, man...I had to throw it!
BROOKE:
(As though trying to explain things to a child) But Michael, you blew up our ship.
FEZ:
(Angrily) And because of your stupidity, I will now die out at sea without ever having given a woman the gift of the little men in my pants!
RED:
(To KELSO) DUMBASS!!! (To FEZ) And not one more word about what's in your pants, Haji, got that?
BOB:
(To RED) Aw geez, Red...can I stop rowing yet? I'm gettin' kinda tired...
RED:
Bob, have you ever heard the expression "man overboard"?
BOB:
(Nervously) Keep rowing...gotcha.
RED:
(With a tight sarcastic smile) Good man.
WE SEE KITTY HOLDING UP A WINE BOTTLE.
KITTY:
Well, at least we saved enough wine to last us awhile. (Laughs her signature laugh)
RED:
(Under his breath) Not the way you keep drinking it.
KITTY HEARS HIM AND LEANS OVER TO TALK IN HIS EAR.
KITTY:
Red, we are probably going to die out here because of Michael's inability to keep from blowing things up. My wine is the only way I'm going to keep from getting angry. Do you want me to go to my angry place?
RED:
(With a strained smile) Happy drinking, sweetheart!
KITTY SMILES AND KISSES HIM ON THE CHEEK, THEN GOES BACK TO DRINKING.
KELSO:
Relax, guys...it's gonna be ok. (A beat, then spastically as he realizes something) OOH! I know! We could dock in Funland! It's in the next cove!
FEZ:
(Uncertainly) Kelso, what is Funland?
KELSO LEANS OVER AND WHISPERS IN FEZ'S EAR WITH A BIG DOPEY GRIN. AS HE TALKS, FEZ'S EYES GET WIDE AND FINALLY A SLEAZY SMILE APPEARS ON HIS FACE.
FEZ:
(Excitedly) Yes! Pull for Funland, people!
Up Next: Kelso and crew arrive in Funland! Fez meets someone in Funland! Jackie proves she's got what it takes to be a crewmember of the Emerald Leaf! And does Hyde bow to Jackie's wishes to let her cabin remain pink???