10
I stared in the mirror and refused to let the negative thoughts come bubbling to the surface. I had on the little black dress I bought on my shopping trip with Alice, complete with the ankle boots she insisted on.
I worked on my make-up for close to an hour, trying to mimic the latest styles I saw in magazines. My hair hung around my shoulders and I left it a bit messy so I wouldn't look like I was trying too hard. I used my perfume with the dusty lid and had to force myself to leave the apartment.
I practiced small talk on the way to the restaurant and repeated information about foreign places I had heard from customers booking flights. I was taking a huge chance by going out with Jessica. She was tantamount to the town crier and anything embarrassing that happened tonight would be broadcast through Forks.
When I walked in she grabbed my arm and looked me up and down. "I just can't get over how great you look. Did you have lap band surgery?"
"No," I said softly to give her a clue to lower her voice. "I exercise a lot now."
"Did you have to have tons of skin cut off?"
"No," I said and lowered my head. "I lost it slowly so my body adjusted."
"Well, you must be like, the biggest change in all of Forks high. I'm putting our pictures on Facebook, nobody will believe me."
We were taken to a table and I prayed the conversation would change. I glanced around the room and saw several men staring at me. My hands began to shake and I tried to remember my reflection from the mirror. I looked at my arms to see if they were bulging from my slumped back. I only saw the definition of my bicep and relaxed.
"So who are you seeing?" Jessica asked me.
"I'm in a pretty new relationship. It's nothing serious," I said and wondered if Joyce shared information with her staff.
"Remember Mike Newton?" she asked.
"Yeah," I answered. I remembered him very well. I remembered when he called me a teletubbie over the loudspeaker and when he handed me a phone and told me Dr. Atkins wanted to speak to me. And I also remembered when he told everyone I used a garden hose to wipe my ass.
"I'm seeing him still, well; actually I just sleep with him once in awhile."
I felt a bit of bile rise in my throat and took a drink of my water to wash it back down. She watched me look at my menu and asked, "So do you travel a lot? It must be great working for National Airline."
"Oh yeah, it's great. The hot springs in Iceland are fantastic. And the Moai on Easter Island are a must see."
"Wow," she said with a sigh, "You must have a great life."
I chuckled at the thought of my pitiful existence. I almost never leave my apartment and my first love is a lying sex addict. Yeah, my life is great.
The waiter came over and asked if we were accepting drinks from admirers. I shook my head but Jessica quickly said yes. She ordered a Black Russian and I did the same since I had no idea what to order.
I searched the menu for something with low calories and settled on a grilled chicken breast with a side of rice.
I was relieved when our drinks arrived and took a large gulp. "So what is this club like?" I asked to get Jessica talking again.
"It is trendy, you're dressed perfectly," she added and I felt a bit of pride. I had never been called trendy before. "The music is alternative but they have karaoke hour which is a lot of fun. Of course, we'll have to drink enough to lose all common sense," she laughed.
I smiled and nodded like I agreed.
"Tell me about your new guy, what does he do for a living?"
Her eyes looked at me with excitement as if she really wanted to know all about Edward. I decided to share the one true thing I knew about him.
"His father is Carlisle Cullen, from channel six."
"No shit!" she exclaimed. "So did he tell you who the killer is?"
"What killer?" I asked with a furrowed brow.
"The one Carlisle claims to be in contact with, the hired gun to take out congressmen."
"I have no idea what you're talking about," I said honestly.
"Don't you ever watch the news?" she said with disgust. "Or have pillow talk with his son?"
"Edward has never mentioned anything and neither has Alice, his daughter," I added to appear like I was in with the family.
"Okay, so Carlisle gets this call at the station from a hit man claiming to be hired to kill congressmen, but he doesn't want to do it. He wants Carlisle to find him a way out of the contract, so rumor has it Carlisle hired a hit man to take out the person who hired the first hit man. He won't confirm or deny anything and people are speculating the government is behind the whole thing."
"It all sounds made up to me," I said skeptically.
"Yeah me too, until about six months ago when the governors body guard is suddenly killed, I think it was a warning to the governor or maybe they were aiming for him and hit the bodyguard instead."
"He was shot in the open?" I asked and wondered why I hadn't heard anything about this, most likely I was weighing my food or crying on the elliptical.
"No, he was found murdered in his bed, naked, still wearing a condom."
"Jessica, how could they miss the governor and hit the body guard, unless he was the one under the body guard in the bed," I said and Jessica laughed loudly.
"Well, we're all screwed by the government, it's about time the government screws itself."
"It could be a coincidence," I pointed out and she nodded in agreement.
"So, speaking of screwing… how's his son?" She wiggled her eyebrows and I looked away so she couldn't see the truth in my eyes.
"I told you it's new. We've messed around, but that's it."
"Who did you lose your virginity to," she asked and laughed when I gasped loudly.
"Are you asking me if the rumors about Eric are true?" I said hatefully and wanted to go home.
"No, everyone knows Ben doesn't have a thousand dollars," she said as she rolled her eyes.
"So it is only the amount that made the story ludicrous?"
"Come on, Bella. It was high school, everyone says mean things. I don't think you fucked Eric, okay?"
"Name one mean thing anyone said to you in school?" I challenged her.
"Remember when I got bangs? Lauren said I looked like a chipmunk."
"No, name something mean, something that humiliated you and made you cry," I explained and found my hands pulled into tight fists.
"I did, chipmunks are fat and I…oh, sorry," she said and stopped talking.
"I wore a black and white shirt one day and some boys called the local radio station and told them an Orca had beached at Forks high. They took a picture of me and posted it on the stations webpage. So I really don't give a damn if your bangs made your face look round, or who you do or don't think I fucked."
"Bella, come on, I'm sorry. We've all grown up since then, let it go."
I wanted to throw my drink in her face and walk away, but I needed to give the whole friend thing a shot. I knew she would not be sitting here with me if I looked like I did in school. She knew it, too. I took another big gulp from my drink and tried to calm down.
Our food came and I immediately divided it into three sections. I ate one, played with the other, and asked for a box for the third. Jessica never noticed a thing. It was close to ten when we headed to the club. I followed behind Jessica so I could leave if she hooked up with someone, using Edward as an excuse to stay away from men tonight.
The place was loud and dark. It was early and the club was already packed. Jessica ordered a fruity drink and I ordered a light beer. "Let's get a buzz and then dance," she said and I nodded but inside I was screaming.
I didn't know if I would have the nerve to stand in front of everyone and move my body to the music. I had no idea how to dance. I had done aerobics at fat camp but that was my only experience with my body and music.
I watched the dance floor with intense interest, seeing if I could do what the others were doing. They seemed to be standing in groups with one hand in the air the other holding a drink and bouncing back and forth. It looked…easy.
Jessica handed me another beer and I checked it to see if it was light before drinking it down. I was beginning to feel, what did Jess call it, buzzed. I followed her to the dance floor and tried to mimic her moves the best I could.
It was fun and I found myself smiling at the various people around me. I liked how nobody was expected to be dancing as couples. People would pair up for a moment or two and then move on. I finished my beer and someone took it from my hand and handed me a cold one. I didn't check the label and turned to smile at the cute man next to me.
"Hello, darlin," he said with a Texan accent.
"Hi," I answered. "Thank you for the beer."
"My pleasure," he said and let his hand rest on my hip.
We soon began to move in unison and his hand moved to by ass and pulled my body closer to his. He stared into my eyes as he took a drink from his bottle. His eyes were sky blue and when his long blond curls fell into his eyes I reached up to pushed them away.
I was past buzzed, and every movement, every sound; every look was setting my body on fire. I felt bold, and sexy, and ran my hands up his chest. He ran both of his hands to the back of my neck and held my hair up for some needed air. I moaned and let my head fall back, pressing into him.
He moved one hand to the small of my back as the other held my hair and leaned over to kiss my neck softly. I started to object but he moved to speak into my ear, "It's okay darlin, I'm just appreciating your perfume. You smell…delicious."
"I don't wear it often," I said stupidly, unable to control my mouth when he was holding me the way he was. I could feel his body reacting as he ran his tongue from my ear to my collar bone.
He gave me a gentle bite and said, "Well, you should."
"You're very sweet," I said and he chuckled.
"No, mam, not sweet; I am very, not sweet."
"I shouldn't be dancing with you then," I said with my eyes closed.
"Right, we should be doing something else," he said into my ear and then kissed it before taking my hand and leading me toward the door.
"Where are we going?" I asked telling myself I was getting in way over my head.
"Just to get a little fresh air, nothing to worry about darlin."
I quickly finished the beer he had given me and set it on a table as we passed. We walked into the cool night air and I shivered from the cold since I didn't have any natural body insulation. We walked around the corner of the club and he pulled me into his arms and leaned against the building.
"I'll warm you up, little girl," he said and lowered his mouth to mine.
His mouth was warm and he didn't add pressure into meshing movements like Edward. He gave short kisses sucking my lips with his as he let go and repeated the action. It was driving me crazy, making me chase after his mouth each time he pulled away.
I grabbed the material of his shirt and held it tightly in my fists. He moved from my mouth down my throat and I let my head fall back as I took gulps of air. I wanted him, my body knew what euphoria orgasms brought and it craved it now.
I could picture myself in his bed as we joined together moving as one. I would scream out his name as he brought my body what it needed. I had a clear thought amidst the passion and the alcohol and asked, "What's your name?"
He moved his mouth to my ear and his hand to my breast as he spoke. "My name is Jasper, you can call me Jaz."
11
I pulled away from Jasper and stared at his face. He looked at me hesitantly as if afraid I was going to make some kind of connection. I mumbled something about Jessica needing me and I ran. I passed the club door and went right to my car.
I was in no condition to drive five minutes ago, but I felt totally sober now. I went home, wanting desperately the safety of my apartment and felt sick when I found Edward waiting by my door. My makeup was smeared and my hair was a mess. I looked like I climbed out of a bed after an orgy. It was my turn to avoid his eyes and he stood silently with his hands in his pocket, leaning against the wall.
"Did you have fun?" he asked.
"Yeah, oh, um, my chicken," I said looking back at my car. "I left my chicken in my car."
"Did you eat?"
"Yes, and obviously drank too much," I said to explain my appearance.
"Anything you want to tell me?" he asked and I finally looked right at him.
"Anything you want to tell me?" I responded.
He shrugged and continued to stare.
"My mother wants you to come to Sunday brunch, I would like for you to come, too."
"Sure," I said and crossed my arms.
He stepped closer to me and placed one arm around me before leaning in to kiss my cheek. "You reek of Burberry cologne," he said and walked away.
"Where are you going?" I asked with a panicked voice.
"To work," he said as he continued walking.
I went into my apartment and looked in the mirror. I felt cheap and couldn't stand to look at myself, and not because of my weight. I had just made out with what could or could not be my boyfriend's best friend. It was so much worse than talking on the phone and looking at pictures.
I showered and dressed in my flannel nightgown in an attempt to look innocent again. I dried my hair and pulled it into a lose braid and climbed in bed. I heard Edward come home, not even attempting to be quiet.
I heard him take a really long shower and climb into bed. His sniffing was back and my heart was breaking for him. I listened in the darkness to his pain and finally heard a soft voice all for me.
"Bella, are you awake?"
"Yes."
"Can I come over there, I need you to hold me," he said with the young voice I only heard a few times.
"Yes, come over," I said and went to open the door.
He walked in wearing boxers and a tee and looked down and my flannel gown. His red puffy eyes looked into mine and he touched my cheek with his hand. "You look so beautiful," he whispered.
I took his hand and led him to my bed. He scooted down and put his head on my chest as I wrapped my arms around him. He sighed loudly and I kissed his head.
"When I was younger I loved the Count Chocula cereal, so my brother Emmett would wake up early and eat the entire box."
"Did you kick his ass?" I asked.
He laughed, "You haven't met Emmett."
I continued to hold him as he sunk deeper into his past for any relief that would wipe away his actions and give him peace. "Do you remember the brief moment when you would wake up on Saturday and realize there is no school? I loved that moment," he said wistfully.
"Or the moment right before you fall asleep on Christmas Eve," I added. "It is so filled with possibilities."
"Exactly," he said and I could feel him smile.
"What brings all this up?" I asked and remembered when he needed to talk about cartoons.
"Sometimes I hate being a man. I want to know I used to be happy."
"Edward, why aren't you happy?"
"It is hard to climb out of the muck sometimes. I used to love poetry, but now it doesn't seem beautiful, it seems desperate. You make me happy, Bella. I should tell you more often."
"Let's go away, I can get some tickets and we can go anywhere, just you and me. Spend a week out of the muck and be happy; learn to love poetry again."
I couldn't believe what I suggested. I had never been on a plane and I was talking like I often took off for a week. I hoped he would suggest a place, but first he would have to agree to go. He raised his head and looked at me. His eyes were watery and the dark circles underneath had me really worried.
"You're going to save me," he said and I could hear the mixture of hope and pain.
"I'm going to try," I said and smiled at him before pulling him back to my chest. He slept soundly in my arms throughout the night.
I woke up too late to run and had to rush out the door to my therapy appointment. I stopped long enough to put a key in an envelope and taped it to my door with Edward's name written on it. I knew I wouldn't be able to do it after the session.
I showed up looking all disheveled, but I was still in better shape than Jessica. She sat behind her desk with dark glasses on and moaned every time the phone rang. I walked into Joyce's office full of determination to defend Edward at all cost.
"How are you doing?" she asked.
"Good, I've been eating a lot better and I went out to a club with Jessica," I said and tried not to let her see my shame.
"Yes, I saw Jessica's condition and expected yours," she said with a smile. "She said you left with a man."
"Jessica has always been a big gossip," I said angrily. "I didn't leave with a man. We stepped outside for some air and then I went home."
"So let's talk about the time between the fresh air and the leaving."
I shrugged, trying to appear unconcerned. "He's from Texas, likes to dance, he was sweet but didn't like me pointing it out."
She stared at me and I simply stared back. "Okay," she finally said, "How is Edward doing?"
"Great, he took down all the pictures. He got a new job. He's great."
She sat back and put her fingers over her lips as she thought things over for a moment. I sat nervously waiting for her wisdom or her reprove. She finally sat forward and asked, "That simple?"
"Huh?"
"He took down the pictures and quit his job, just like that?"
"Does it make him a pretty great guy or still scum?" I asked as I crossed my arms in anger.
"It makes him a liar, and you know it," she pointed out and I began to cry. I did know it. I knew he lied and I knew he was still talking erotically to anonymous women. But I also knew he needed me to save him and I wasn't giving up.
"I'm going to take a trip," I said. "I'm going to go somewhere far away and it scares me to death."
"Going far away or going at all?"
"Losing control of my surroundings. What if I turn to food or refuse to eat at all?"
"I can give you some anxiety medication, it should help. It is normal for people to eat larger amounts of food on vacation. It is a way to experience your surroundings, partake with gusto what life has to offer."
"I've experienced the gusto; it is the kindness I'm looking for."
I wanted to experience love, and romance, and bonding with my man. I wanted to forget about my weight and his job and the fact I had no idea who he was.
When I got home he was gone. The envelope was gone, too. I saw a note on my computer and picked it up.
Bella,
Thank you, for letting me come to your bed. I like the vacation idea. We can go to Brazil; my father owns a timeshare on an island off the coast. Get a passport and let's pick a time. I'll see you Sunday at ten.
Edward.
P.S. You gave me a key, God, you amaze me.
I stared at the note and wondered what he was really trying to say. He made it sound like I wouldn't see him until Sunday. I had a passport, I got it when I turned eighteen and there was no way in hell I would let him see it. I sat down at my computer and looked up flight information for Brazil. I applied for two complimentary tickets, the first time ever since I worked for the airlines.
I heard Edward's phone ring at three and he answered, "Hi, Jaz."
I froze and when my headset rang I reached over and turned it off.
"Yeah, sure, what time?"
I moved closer to the wall. "Okay, is it good news or bad news?"
"Oh no," I sighed. I tried to think of the best way to explain what happened with Jasper. I was angry at Edward for lying, I was drinking too much, my body wanted what he had taught it to want, nothing sounded like anything that could excuse my behavior.
He left and I never heard him return all night. I woke up Saturday morning feeling like I was slowly losing everything I truly wanted. I was planning a trip with Edward, but I was too afraid to knock on his door or ask him questions about where he goes and what he does. I was grateful he didn't push me, but it wasn't normal. Our relationship seemed off somehow, not that I understood relationships at all.
I heard his door open after noon and listened to him slam things around in anger. He knew, Jasper must have figured out who I was and told him. I went into my room and sat in the dark as I heard his cussing and rummaging through drawers.
He began talking, obviously on the phone. "I can't find it; it has to be over there."
"I'm not going through this hell just to have you quit on me. Do what it takes Jaz or stay the fuck out of my life."
He had to know I was listening, but everything about him confused me. I began thinking about what Jessica told me about Carlisle and I went to my computer and looked up information on the Cullens. Jessica didn't have everything correct.
Carlisle got a call from an informant telling him who the hit man was. He was protecting his informant not the hit man. The name he received was thought to be on the governor's payroll, and the entire story had me so confused. A loud knock made me jump and I heard a key begin opening my door.
I shut off the computer and turned around just as Edward walked in. "Good, you're here," he said harshly and I waited for his words of hate and insults to begin. He took a deep breath and said, "Come somewhere with me, I really need to be with you right now."
I nodded and took his hand he was offering. We drove in silence, Edward gripping the wheel tightly, to an obscure mountain road. He pulled off to park and got out of the car. I got out and watched as he opened the trunk and pulled a blanket out. "Come on," he said and walked in front of me without speaking. I followed blindly and never asked a question.
We stepped into a beautiful meadow and he laid the blanket on the ground before acknowledging me in any way. He looked up and I gasped when I saw tears in his eyes. He stepped toward me and ran his fingers through his hair. "Bella, you have to promise me you won't leave me."
"What?" I said softly.
"I know I'm…nothing, but you have to give me a chance. I'm…more, I promise."
I felt like he was trying to tell me something without coming right out and saying it. He sounded worried about Jasper and wanted me to see he was something more than what I thought he was.
"Edward, I love you," I said in an attempt to soothe him.
"What if his name had been different, would you still be here?"
"Whose name?" I asked with a dry throat.
He looked into the dark forest and shook his head. I walked up to put my arms around his waist and he pulled me tightly to him, burying his face in my neck and kissing me with a vengeance. We moved to the blanket and he was kissing me frantically, as if I was going to be pulled from his arms at any moment.
"Edward," I said and pushed him back. "What's going on?"
He rolled onto his back and I sat up to look down at him. His eyes were closed and he looked so upset. I was ready to start getting some answers, I had the first question already formed when he said, "Bella, I love how you never grill me. You want me and nothing else. I can't tell you how much it means to me."
I smiled down at him, becoming quite the actor myself, and he seemed to relax. He reached over and pulled on the waist of my pants. "What are you wearing?" he asked and pulled the pants down an inch or two.
"I have on running pants," I said and pushed his hand away.
"Two pairs?"
I refused to answer and wanted to ask him to stop grilling me. He sighed and rubbed his fists into his eyes. I sensed he needed to know I was getting better for his own peace of mind. His life was twisted and messy and he needed something that was perfect.
"I've gained weight," I lied, "I'm doing really well."
He pulled me onto him and said with pained eyes, "Some man is going to steal you away from me."
He was wrong; I would remain his because we were both too messed up to belong to anyone else. I kissed him to show him nobody would take me away from him. We were alone in the middle of the forest and he never tried to have me. He began talking about the cartoon Johnny Quest and I listened with tears in my eyes.
"Do you have to work tonight?" I asked.
"Yeah, we should head back soon," he answered and I closed my eyes.
He would spend the night bringing several women pleasure, but never felt the need to include me into the equation. I was his reprieve, the one fat woman who didn't need anything from him. I should have felt grateful he wanted me at all, but I was in love with a ghost and it was beginning to feel creepy.
12
I dressed in a sundress and put on two pair of shorts underneath to make my hips appear larger. The thought of trying to look bigger boggled my mind. As soon as I looked away from the mirror I felt huge. I curled and teased my hair, making it huge, I wanted to look totally different from the woman Jaz met and hoped he wouldn't recognize me.
Edward was dressed in expensive clothes. I didn't recognize the clean shaven dapper man in front of me. I wasn't quite sure who he was dressing for. He never dressed that way for me so I assumed it was for his parents.
"Who all is going to be there?" I asked as we drove toward the house.
"My parents, my brother and his wife, Alice and Jaz," he looked at me for a reaction but I remained unfazed. "And us, of course."
I nodded and wondered if Jaz would say anything in front of Alice. I was shaking as we walked hand in hand into the house. Esme walked from the kitchen to see us first. She smiled, but I saw something cross her face first. She looked a bit shaken or rattled. I had a feeling it was not his mother who really wanted me at the brunch.
Edward gave her a kiss but they didn't speak a word to each other. He led me to the family room where everyone was gathered. Alice jumped up to greet me and complimented my dress. Emmett extended his hand and the sheer size of the man terrified me. Rosalie said a polite hello and it was finally time to acknowledge Jasper.
I let my eyes turn to where he stood and he was staring at me with an unreadable expression. "Bella, this is my friend Jaz, my best friend, my best friend in the whole world," Edward said to make everyone extremely uncomfortable.
"Hello darlin," he said and winked at me.
My arms clamped onto Edward tightly as I offered a soft, "Hi," and looked away.
"You look very pretty," Jasper said and I glared in his direction. I couldn't understand why he wouldn't shut up and pretend he just met me. "Can I get you a mimosa or are you holding out for a cold beer?" Jasper pushed.
"No, thank you," I said quickly.
"I think I'll have one," Edward said and walked from my arms to the other side of the room where a pitcher and glasses waited. "You need to go easy on the cologne, Jaz."
"Shut up, Edward," Alice said, "I love the smell of Burberry."
Edward poured a drink and turned to look at me as he took a sip. I didn't know what he was trying to do. He was being mean and I felt something bigger was coming. My senses had been honed over the years to react when I was being set up for something. I wasn't going to wait for the laughter and turned and walked away.
Someone followed and I was sure it was Edward, but turned to find Jasper behind me. "I'm leaving, he'll calm down," he said and I only nodded and worried about being alone in the hallway with Jasper. I heard Esme in the kitchen and went to offer some help.
I watched in amazement as she tossed a big butcher knife into the air making it spin several times and caught it by the handled, dropping it into its holder before picking up another one, spinning it effortlessly and bringing it onto the butcher block to cut the fruit.
"Wow," I said with a laugh and she looked up at me.
"I used to be a chef, I miss it," she said with a smile. "There is something so nurturing about cooking for people, with the kids gone I rarely get to do it anymore."
I watched her work and realized I didn't make myself fat as a small child, my mother made food for me and maybe it was her need to nurture that stuffed me. I wondered if her need to fix me was more about her guilt than my weight.
"You okay?" she asked as she watched me intently.
"Yeah, I was having an epiphany," I said with a smile. "I think I'll go share it with Edward."
I went back to the family room and found Alice looking at fashion magazines. "Where's Edward?" I asked.
"I think he went downstairs, the doors at the end of the hallway," she said and pointed in the right direction.
I walked into the dark basement that was filled with a pool table, arcade games, and a card table. I opened a door and found a bathroom. The next door was a beautifully decorated guest room, and the final door was an office. My heart skipped a beat as I saw the photos Edward had tossed into the trash hanging on the wall. I walked into the room slowly and noticed a blanket on the black leather sofa and a stack of towels next to it. On the small side table there was a collection of odd sex toys, some still in their packages. I looked at the desk and found a stack of business cards, with several different names.
I picked up a card with the name Norman and stuck it in my pocket. I looked at the wall again and noticed pictures of men in the mix this time. I pulled open the top drawer and found a stack of passports, all with Edward's picture but different names. I felt sick and shut off the light as I shut the door and climbed slowly up the stairs. I looked through the rooms for Edward and finally found him on the back deck.
"Can you take me home?" I asked with no emotion in my voice.
"Why?" he asked quickly.
"I'm not feeling well, I need to go home," I said as I tried not to cry.
"You can lie down, my mother won't mind," he said and held out his hand for mine but I didn't take it.
"I want to go home," I said loudly and he looked at me in shock.
"What's going on, Bella?"
I closed my eyes so I wouldn't have to look at him and stomped my foot in frustration. "I want you to take me home, right now, please Edward," I begged.
"Yeah, sure," he said and I turned to walk to the car.
I stood at the locked door and saw him text someone before unlocking it. I didn't bother asking who, I knew he would only lie to me anyway. I had no idea who he was or why he would move his perverted life into his parents home.
We pulled up in front of the apartment complex and I told him I was going right to bed. I got out of the car and when he rolled down his window I stopped and looked at him. "Don't come over tonight, I'm going to take some medicine and sleep."
"Can we talk tomorrow?" he asked.
I chuckled and looked at him in disgust, "Yeah, I'll call you."
I heard him screech off when I walked away and knew it was over. I walked into my apartment and broke into tears. I took off the stupid dress I wore to look nice for him and went into my room for a sweatshirt. I froze when I saw my dresser drawers all open about an inch or two.
I looked around my room for anything else out of place. I walked into the front room and looked at my desk. I set my hand on my computer and gasped when I felt it was warm. Someone had been in my apartment. I pulled open my desk drawer and found my passport lying on the top of my tax information and pay stubs.
This wasn't a robbery; this was someone looking for information. I growled loudly in frustration when I remembered Jasper leaving and Edward texting someone. I threw on the shirt and ran to my car. The closer I got to the Cullen's house the angrier I became. I was being used by a mean vicious man.
I didn't bother knocking; I stormed right in and saw Jasper and Edward standing on the deck. They both looked shocked when I walk out the door and onto the deck.
"Bella, you came back," Edward said and tried to smile.
"Did you get it all, Jaz, or did I ruin the search?"
Both men looked at each other and it angered me all over again. "I have food journals under my mattress, you missed those. I have a pair of diamond earrings from my grandmother in a small case in my makeup bag."
"I wasn't robbing you," Jaz said.
I shook my head and felt my tears begin to fall. "Yes, you were. You took my confidence, my trust, and my boyfriend. I have nothing else to lose."
"Bella, I can explain for Jaz," Edward said and I held up my hand to stop him from talking.
"You are a liar Edward Cullen, so you have nothing to say I want to hear."
"Don't do this Bella, I need you," he said with terrified eyes.
"Really, do you need me to talk to you about cartoons and cereal, so the fact you fuck men and women all night doesn't matter? Do you need me there to hear you cry because you know there isn't anyone I can possibly tell about it?"
"Stop it," he said with a shaking chin and wanted him to profess his love for me and beg me to stay with him.
"I saw the basement, Edward. Why?"
Jasper walked to the other side of the deck to give us some privacy but he didn't leave entirely and I wondered if he was making sure Edward didn't say anything.
"I'm doing my job, Bella. I asked you to give me time to show you I'm more than I appear to be."
"Why do you ask them for pictures?"
He ran his hand through his hair with frustration and turned to look at the water. "Edward," I said softly but he didn't turn to look at me. "I'm not strong enough for this."
He let his head drop and nodded a couple of times. "You're beautiful, Bella, on the inside and the outside. I'll always love you."
"But only through the walls," I whispered and he turned to look at me.
"What?" he asked.
I shook my head and turned to leave.
"I'm sorry, darlin," Jaz said.
"Fuck you," I said without looking at him and ran though the house to the sound of his chuckling.
I was opening the front door when Alice walked into the entry way. "Are you leaving?" she asked.
I looked at her and said, "I'm really sorry, Alice, I didn't know who he was, but I think you should know I met Jaz at a club and made out with him."
Her eyes showed her pain and she turned her head to look toward the deck. I took advantage of her distraction and quickly left.
I went home and returned to my life before Edward Cullen came into it. I ran every morning, I worked all day, and I watched romantic movies as I walked on the treadmill before crying myself to sleep. It wasn't living and the ache hurt more than I could admit.
I missed Edward. He never worked out of his apartment anymore and usually left as soon as he woke up. I looked at the card I took from his office and wondered what a call to him would be like. I bought a cell phone at Walmart with a calling card and waited until after midnight to call.
I was terrified he would recognize my voice, and practiced the English accent I had used for the play Pygmalion at fat camp. I dialed the phone and when he answered I realized his phone had some device to distort his voice. It sounded very low and much older than his real voice.
"Norman?" I asked.
"Hi babe, I'm so glad you called," he said and I froze, thinking he knew it was me. "Tell me what you need, and I'll give it to you until you scream for me."
My heart tore.
"I'm not sure about this, I had a boyfriend and…"
"Not a problem, just pretend I'm him."
I closed my eyes as the tears fell.
"Um…he has a boyfriend," I said and then punched my fist against my leg. I meant to say best friend, but boyfriend came out and it didn't bother him at all.
"So do I, sweetheart, I can show you how to work it out and I promise you come out the winner, doll."
Jasper, I thought. That was what he was trying to tell me at his house. They were involved and were wanting to bring me into the mix.
"I don't know," I said softly forgetting about the accent.
"I can meet with you if it would help," he offered and my eyes bugged out. "I don't usually do something like that, but you sound special."
"Special," I repeated sadly, "No, I'm fat."
"So is my girlfriend, it doesn't matter to me."
My entire body went numb and the room became distorted. I couldn't breathe and I hung up the phone and fell onto the floor. He lied and I knew it all along. I crawled over to the mirror and saw the swollen grotesque face I knew was there. I flipped onto my back and began doing sit ups as I cried out the numbers loudly into the air.
I finally got off the floor and let my humiliation turn into revenge, if Edward didn't want me for sex at least Jasper did. I dressed as provocatively as I could, put on tons of makeup, and headed out to the club.
I didn't feel what I expected. I thought I would be acting out of anger and then fear would take over, but I was determined. I was worth the attention of a man who found me desirable and not someone who needed me to make him feel like a child again.
I finished two drinks before walking around the club and looking for my intended target. I found him on the dance floor holding a pretty blonde in his arms. I moved to where he could see me and simply stared at him. He was flirting and running his hand through her hair and finally caught my eye.
I smiled and he looked around as if checking for Edward. He finally said something in the girl's ear and began walking toward me. He handed me his beer and I took a long drink as I maintained eye contact.
"You caused me a lot of problems," he said with a smile.
I shrugged, "I'm sure you lied you way out of it, you seem resourceful."
"Where's Edward?" he asked and watched my response carefully.
"He's teaching a fat girl how to handle two men," I said with disgust.
"What are you doing here, darlin?" he said and moved closer to me.
"I was looking for you," I said and handed him the bottle back.
He acted a bit nervous, like the fact I came there for him meant something. I was sure Alice dumped him after finding out what he was up to behind her back. Surely he was here as a single man. He finally recovered and took hold of my hand to pull me into my arms.
"Well, you found me," he said with his slow drawl.
"Do you live alone?" I asked and his eyes widened.
"Are you asking to sleep over?"
I bit my lip for a second and said, "I'm really not sleepy."
He laughed and took my arm to pull me behind him and out of the club. I didn't try to make any small talk and walked with a purpose to my car to follow him to his home.