Summary: There are things every gamer should know. Unfortunately, the Player's Guide and Dungeon Master usually neglect to mention such things. Therefore, I have compiled these sensible tips for fellow players. Stories behind them shall follow. Rated for language.

Disclaimer: I own nothing. Just a copy of the 3.5 Player's Manual, the Forgotten Realms Campaign Setting book, a bunch of old 2.0 rulebooks and suppliments, and a really big box of Dragon back-issues. I miss that magazine. Why, Wizards?! Why?!

Queen's Quornor: My father is a big fan of quirky NPCs. He was the man in charge of the five-year campaign Sir Henry was playing in, and whenever he DMs he always manages to bring in NPCs that are, to say the least, memorable. I remember he told me once about a talking zombie-orc that followed the PCs around, just moaning about something and begging on its knees whenever they tried to deal with it. The zombie-orc didn't want brains or anything, it just wanted a friend. They finally lost it when its leg fell off and it couldn't follow them anymore. The NPC you are about to meet, however, is his all-time favorite creation. Dad had the PCs randomly encounter him many times during the five-year campaign, and when he DM'ed my first Greyhawk campaign he showed up again to help our lowly first-level characters fight off some vicious rocs. And so, without further ado, here is the NPC that always prompts both laughter and disbelieving groans wherever he may appear!

Stories with a Moral: the Gnome with a Theme Song

Once upon a time, in the world of Oerth, there was a party of level fifteen adventurers. It was very cold and the freezing wind pierced the seams of their armor, unerringly finding the shivering flesh beneath. Ice and snow had scraped their faces raw and caked their hair. They found an inn after wandering around in a strange village for what seemed like hours, and hurriedly went in.

The inn was warm and inviting, a fire blazing merrily in the hearth. Beautiful serving wenches wove between the tables, delivering foaming mugs to the inn's patrons. Few were present, and none paid any heed to the party's arrival. The party's fighter and assassin went to procure rooms, a warm meal, and ale to ward off the bone-deep chill suffusing their bodies. The elven sorceress hurried over to the fire, fretting over her spellbooks. The cleric and paladin (Sir Henry) took in the people so unwilling to venture outdoors on that cold winter's night.

Most were nondescript and unworthy of further inspection. But at one table, close to the hearth, was a most extraordinary pair of gnomes. Sitting in a chair and drinking a pint was a male with short brown hair, dressed in a white shirt and brown trousers, a brown cloak hanging from the back of the chair. Upon the table was a brown leather hat with a darker band. A neatly-coiled whip hung from the gnome's belt. Sitting on the floor beside the table was a female gnome, her eyes sparkling from behind a curtain of curly brown hair. She was bound by thick rope, almost cocooned by the loops, a dirty gag tied tightly behind her head. The male was unconcerned by her state, staring into the fire as she wiggled and whimpered every now and then.

Naturally, the cleric and paladin were alarmed and suspicious. They approached the pair and inquired as to why the female was tied up. The male gave them a measured look. "So she won't get into trouble." This led to an inquiry as to why she was gagged. "To shut her up" was the reply. The paladin asked what his intentions were for the female. The male stated "she keeps following me around and getting into trouble. I can't get rid of her." When they demanded that he remove the gag and release her, his advice was as follows: "I wouldn't do that if I were you." With that, he returned to his drink.

The paladin and cleric ignored the male's advice and untied the gag. The moment it fell away, the female took a deep breath...and started to sing:

Endeeyanah! He's a gnome!
Endeeyanah! He will save us!
And protect our homes!
Beat the kobolds,
EVERY TIME!!
He will stop them, and drop them, and bop them,
And anything else that rhymes!

This continued for several minutes, in different verses, and as one the mortified cleric and paladin labored to shove the gag into her mouth and re-tie it. The gnome, Endeeyanah, merely said "I warned you" and took another deep draught of his mug.

The pair of gnomes were to appear several times over the course of their adventures. The female, Miriam, would always sing her song if the gag was removed. Endeeyanah, for reasons unknown, would always retrieve her if she somehow got into trouble. He had an enemy-gnome whose name was Wanalon, who enjoyed kidnapping Miriam and riding away on his flying carpet. There was one truly surreal moment in the party's adventures when they were traveling along the road when a flying carpet zoomed directly overhead, followed closely by a silver dragon ridden by a whip-cracking figure. From the carpet came the infamous song, as always at the highest volume possible. When they had disappeared behind the hills, the party simply exchanged looks, shrugged, and continued on their way.

Hence Tip number 11: If you come across a whip-wielding gnome named Endeeyanah and there is a hog-tied, gagged female gnome with him named Miriam, do not remove the gag. The song is quite annoying and she never runs out of verses.