Author's Note: And so, we move onto the next section of the story. You've read the prologue, and now it's time to take a look at the aftermath of the events that have happened. Rather obviously then, I have named the second section of the story 'Aftermath'. So the next few chapters will be 'Aftermath: xxxxx'… Just like this one! Anyway, I hope you enjoyed the prologue, and you're ready to move into the land of 'what happens next'. Here we go everybody!
"Sam, I told you to never let me go, but here we are. I'm dead. It's all your fault. You let me die Sam. How do you feel about that? I only asked you one simple thing, and you couldn't even manage that could you? Maybe the wrong boy died that night. What do you have to say to that? How does that feel Sam? To know you couldn't save the person you loved? Did you feel helpless Sam? Did it feel like your world was taken away from you? Well tough shit. Mine actually was".
Sweat beaded on Sam's forehead as he tossed and turned in his sleep, and while it did, his breathing rate increased dramatically. He was hyperventilating again. Every night, for the past three months this had happened. He would wake up, his parents leaning over him, and when he did, he could always remember that last speech. He would have done anything to protect Blaine. He would have given anything. If he could switch places, he would. But he couldn't. Blaine was gone. He was going to have to adjust in time. Everyone knew it would be difficult for him, but they hadn't expected the night terrors to last consistently for such a long period of time. He hadn't even had one night's break from them. It seemed like whenever he shut his eyes, those memories were lurking somewhere in the back of his mind, ready to scare him shitless again. His parents were at their wits end. They couldn't bear to see their child in such a sorry state, but that's what they had to do for the time being. They had tried everything, from sleeping pills to sleep psychiatrists, but nothing had done the job. They just had to accept that it was a part of Sam for the foreseeable future. Every now and again the dreams wouldn't be quite as bad, and they wouldn't need to rush into his room, but they knew that they would wake him every night without fail, even on those lesser nights. Sam sat in his bed, wringing his clammy hands together as his mum watched him from the foot of the mattress. His father had gone to get him a glass of water, but his mum didn't want to leave him alone. This was one of the worst nights he'd had, and that was saying something. They'd been awoken from their own slumber when they heard his shouts, and when they saw him lying there hyperventilating; they almost freaked themselves. How were they supposed to deal with this? The nightmares and the terrified feelings they could handle, but how were they supposed to react when these turned into physical symptoms? Eventually they had settled on trying to soothe him with calm words and clear sentences, mostly focusing on the good that was to come in his future, even if it was a future without the boy he loved. Once he had returned to his sleep, the pair headed downstairs. It was time for a chat.
Mary Evans let her head fall into her hands as her husband sat to the side of her, enveloping her into his chest as she began to shake with tears. It was two o'clock in the morning, and she was desperate for sleep, but that didn't look like it was going to happen tonight. Not after seeing Sam like that. Her son. Her baby boy. He didn't deserve any of the pain he was going through, but he had it. Her child. Why couldn't he have a happy life?
"Mary… It will be over soon don't worry. He'll start getting better. He has to". Dwight wasn't sure who he was trying to convince here – his wife, or himself? He took a sip from the coffee he had just made. Tonight was going to be a long one.
"Mr Schue, we have a problem. We keep talking about Nationals, but we haven't looked at the bigger issue. We need twelve members, and ever since Sam left, we only have eleven. What are we going to do about that?" Finn was confused. It seemed like earlier on, the numbers issue had caused a lot of problems, but nobody had mentioned the fact that without their twelfth member, they weren't actually eligible to compete. Will sighed. His mind had been whirring over the issue ever since Sam quit when he returned to school after Blaine's death. He had hoped that he could convince the boy to come back, but it seemed unreasonable considering all he had been through. In time he would come back, but until then…
"Good question Finn. I was actually thinking that we could just rope in one of the band members to stand in. I'm sure it won't severely impact on our chances of winning". Everyone seemed pretty content with that, and the meeting returned to normal service. Well, until there was a commotion as some of the members saw Sam walk past in the hallway. They had all stayed friends with him – they could understand why he didn't want t return to glee. It wasn't the people - it was the memories. That was why, although he could still sit with them at lunches, he just couldn't spend time with them like he did before. Before Blaine died. Those memories of what used to be were just too powerful. Too scary. Eventually, Will called the meeting of the club to an end. There was no way that they were going to get any work done today. Not with all these disturbances. He needed to talk to Emma anyway. He wanted to know if anyone was keeping an eye on Sam in school hours. Just to make sure he didn't do anything stupid. That boy needed to heal. For now, Will would keep his distance. He realised how much he must remind the kid of his deceased boyfriend.
Sam sat at the lunch table, quietly eating his apple as he listened to Puck rambling on to Quinn about some nonsense. It had been a big step for him to start sitting with the group again, but he still rarely spoke, often just letting himself get lost in his own thoughts. Every now and again he would notice someone looking at him out of the corner of their eye, making sure he was okay. It reassured him. They were there for him, waiting for him to return to them. He had his time. For today however, he was busy concentrating on what song he would be singing tonight. His parents had signed him up to sing every now and again at the local arts hall, and roughly once a fortnight he would receive a call asking him to come and do a number between acts. It wasn't the same rush that he had from glee, from performing with his friends, but at least he was able to keep his hand in with the music scene. Sometimes constants can make all the difference in dealing with grief. That's what he had learned. Although there were some things he just couldn't return to – glee being one of them. He had tried sitting in the choir room once, but all he could feel was Blaine surrounding him. But, it wasn't the Blaine he knew and loved, it was more like… It was more like the void that his passing had created. A tangible emptiness, thick in the air, hanging over his soul. That's what it was. Quinn's voice snapped him out of his daydream. "Sam, do you want to come out with us tonight? We're going to the movies". Her voice was kind and soothing – she had always been there for Sam when he needed her, and she wasn't planning on letting him down any time soon. In a way, he wanted to go, but on the other hand, the idea scared him. It didn't matter anyway. He was busy.
"I would, but I'm afraid I'm busy tonight". Now everybody's interest was piqued. What was Sam going to be up to? Was he feeling better?
"Oh, what are you going to be doing?" Shit. Sam didn't really think he was ready to let his friends see him perform again just yet. It would be the first time they would see him since Blaine… Since Blaine wasn't around anymore. Was he really ready for that? No. He didn't think so. Excuse. That's what he needed – an excuse.
"I'm going out for a family meal. Sorry guys". He stood up to leave, knocking his bag over in the process. He quickly tried to scramble all his belongings back in, and the process was made quicker by Quinn's assistance. Luckily not many people in the canteen had noticed, so there was no embarrassment there. He headed out of the room. That was a close one. Time for his class.
Quinn looked at her friends, before pulling a piece of paper out from behind her back. "Guys, I don't think we should go to the cinema tonight. How about we go see Sam perform at the arts hall instead?" She was met with confused glances, which dissipated as soon as she pointed out exactly what was written on the leaflet. Everybody's eyes scooted down the page until they found what her finger had landed on. Finn read it out.
"Interval act. Sam Evans. Wait, Sam's performing? Why didn't he tell us? Where did you get this Quinn?"
"I grabbed it when I was helping him put his papers back into his bag. I guess because he's shy now that Blaine isn't here for him anymore. I think we should sneak in and watch. Agreed?" Everybody nodded – the decision was unanimous. The cinema trip was cancelled.
Sam sat on the stool in front of the audience. Gosh it was big tonight. Deep breath. He started strumming at his guitar as the song began to unfold. When he had heard it, he knew he wanted to sing it tonight. It was him, out on a sleeve. His soul bared to the world.
It's a terrible love,
And I'm walking with spiders,
It's a terrible love that I'm walking in,
It's a terrible love,
And I'm walking with spiders,
It's a terrible love and I'm walking in,
It's quiet company,
It's quiet company.
Quinn held her finger to her lips as the New Directions bustled in to the hall. They had gotten here just in time to see Sam's performance starting up. They wanted to see the whole show, but unfortunately traffic had held them up. At least they would still be able to see what they had actually come for – to support Sam. To watch him perform. As they went in to find a table for them to sit down at, Quinn saw Sam notice them and winked as she waved. The group found one big circular table which would seat them all, and quickly sat down, eager to hear the rest of Sam's song.
It's a terrible love,
And I'm walking with spiders,
It's a terrible love that I'm walking in,
It's a terrible love,
And I'm walking with spiders,
It's a terrible love and I'm walking in,
It's quiet company,
It's quiet company,
It's quiet company.
What were they doing here? How did they even know this was happening? What about their cinema trip? Oh well. He needed to concentrate on his performance. He needed to make sure he didn't get the words wrong, or lose the emotion of the words. They meant a lot to him, and he hoped that everyone that he was performing in front of could see that as well. He knew that Quinn did – mainly from the fact he could already see tears forming in her eyes. She hadn't even been here two minutes, and she was already crying!
And I can't fall asleep,
Without a little help,
It takes awhile,
To settle down,
My shivered bones,
Wait 'til the panics out.
Rachel had her eyes fixed on stage. In all this, she had clung onto the glee club. It had been the rock that had helped her mourn her 'brother'. The truth was, she felt as bad as Sam did, she just showed it in a different way. The two had hardly spoken since the incident, even though it was clear to them both that they wanted to. Nobody else understood what they were going through. To them, Blaine was the most important boy in the world, and he had been snatched away from them. How were they supposed to deal with that?
It takes an ocean not to break,
Company,
It's quite a company,
It's quiet company.
Finn wrapped his arm around Rachel. He knew how the song must be affecting her. It was the first time he had heard anybody talk so obviously about Blaine since the funeral. It made him understand that, although Blaine was buried in the ground, Sam and Rachel weren't done with their mourning yet. He was such an important factor in their lives, and now he was gone. Rachel at least had Finn there to love her and support her, but Sam… Blaine was Sam's everything. Who did he have? Other than his family of course. But it wasn't the same. There were some things that only a romantic partner can help with. Blaine was that to Sam, but that life was buried when Blaine got into that accident. Everyday, Finn guiltily thanked God that Rachel hadn't suffered the same fate. It felt bad, because he thought he should be praying for Blaine, but he couldn't stop himself from thanking Him every night that the girl he loved was still alive and in one piece.
But I won't follow you,
Into the rabbit hole,
I said I would,
But then I saw,
Your shivered bones,
They didn't want me to.
Sam was tearing up now himself. Really unprofessional, but maybe it added to the performance. Maybe it let people know how much he was linked to the words. Not that he really cared about any of that right now. His head was filled with images of Blaine, of memories that they shared together. Of those last few words. 'Never let me go'. There was something so profound about them. That idea of eternity. Eternity and Blaine seemed to go together hand in hand. He was gone, for eternity. He was at peace, for eternity. Sam clung to that sentence. At peace. At peace. Blaine couldn't ever be hurt again.
It's a terrible love,
And I'm walking with spiders,
It's a terrible love that I'm walking in,
It's a terrible love,
That I'm walking with spiders,
It's a terrible love that I'm walking in,
It takes an ocean not to break,
It takes an ocean not to break,
It takes an ocean not to break.
He was met with a standing ovation as he finished his performance, led by the New Directions. They had always been there for him, so why couldn't he face going back there again? He wanted to, but he was too terrified. He trembled at the thought of that group without his boyfriend there to help him through his everyday life. What was he going to do now? As he headed backstage, he saw the glee club stand up to follow him, before Rachel seated them all back down. He knew what was coming. He needed to talk to her. She followed after him, the rest of the glee club knowing what was going to happen. They understood that this wasn't just Rachel stealing the spotlight, this was her talking to somebody about the loss they had both suffered.
She found herself seated across from Sam in a dimly lit room. It was always like this backstage in the arts hall. Too much light could apparently have an effect on the visuals onstage. She held his hands as he looked at her. "How did you all know I was going to be here tonight Rach?" She smiled fondly at the nickname. It was one Blaine had always called her, and Sam had eventually adopted it too.
"Quinn found a flyer when you knocked your bag off the table. We wanted to surprise you. To show you support. Because you haven't got anyone like I do, and we all wanted to show you that although you may feel like you are, you aren't alone Sam. Trust me, I feel as shit about this whole thing as you do. Blaine was practically my brother. Actually, scrap that, for all intents and purposes, he was my brother. I wouldn't be able to walk around like I am if it hadn't been for everyone in glee. They all helped so much. They care. There's a vibe in that club, and it heals me so much. Not just me either. Look at how everyone else acts there – we all have dark periods, but in glee, we're all happy at the end of the day, because we are surrounded by our friends. I feel that ghost hanging in the room as well. Blaine's there whenever the glee club meets, but it's because he wants to see what's going on. He would want you back there Sam. Come back to glee Sam. We all really miss you". Rachel wiped the tears from her eyes as she finished what she had to say. She didn't wait for an answer, but instead quickly walked out the room. She would find out his response soon enough.
The New Directions watched as the clock ticked round, closer and closer to four o'clock. They were all silently hoping the same thing - that Sam would appear. But there was no sign of him. The meeting started, and there was still no sign of the boy. Maybe he would come late? Half an hour passed, and there was no sign of him. Rachel looked up at Quinn and sighed. She had really hoped that her message had got through to the boy. That she had convinced him enough to rejoin. The pair raised their hands for permission to be excused. Once granted, they wandered around the hallways together, looking to see if Sam was about. He was. They saw him sitting quietly in an empty classroom, hunched over a piece of paper. They watched from outside, as he struggled with whatever was in front of him. Whatever it was, it was very important to him. They turned and left him to it. What they had to say could wait.
Dear Blaine,
I don't know how much longer I can do this. I need to start moving back into normality. It's been three months since you left, and although I know that it is still reasonable for me to be grieving, I just can't deal with it anymore. The sleepless nights, your ghost following me everywhere. I love you Blaine, I always will, but I need to start piecing my life back together. I know you'll understand, because Rachel was right. It's what you'd want. I'm going to be better Blaine. I'm going to protect the things and people I love. I failed to do that for you, and it is killing me, but I can't let it. I need to make up for it. I know nothing will, but I need to at least try. I'm going to make you proud Blaine. Just you wait and see.
Yours eternally,
Sam
xx
So there we go. I hope you liked it. Please review and let me know what you thought. How long will it be until Sam can start to heal? Is there anybody who can help him? Find out soon!