Longing to Hold You

By Lady Callista

Disclaimer: I don't own Kenshin, or anything relating to it, and have the utmost respect for all the people who created these wonderful characters. Having quotes at the beginning and end of each part is kinda becoming a trademark for me, so I'm going to do it again, this time using quotes from musicals. Yeah, I'll admit it, I'm a huge musicals freak. I also don't own anything relating to any of the musicals I've quoted.

AN: See all info at the start of chapter 1.

This part's a little shorter than the previous ones, because I'm not quite sure where to go after this, and I wanted to get it posted before someone killed me because of how I left the last part.

Dedication: To all my readers. I'm constantly amazed, thanks to the new Reader Stats page, at just how many countries this story is being read in. Would you believe there are people in 45 different countries reading this? (Several of which I had to look up to see where they were.) So, to everyone everywhere, thanks for reading, and I hope you continue to enjoy it.

Chapter 4: Confessions

OoOoOoOoOoOoO

"I loved you once in silence

And mis'ry was all I knew.

Trying so to keep my love from showing,

All the while not knowing you loved me too."

Guenevere in "I Loved You Once in Silence" from "Camelot"

OoOoOoOoOoOoO

"It's a pretty day." Kaoru offered quietly after they had walked in silence for a few minutes. Her voice softening even more, she added, "I'm happy you wanted to go for a walk with me."

Kenshin allowed this thumb to glide over the back of her hand for a moment before saying gently, "We need to speak about what happened last night, and this one didn't want to be interrupted."

Her face flushed red, yet she continued to meet his eyes. "I shouldn't have asked, it was too forward of me, but I'm glad that I…"

"This one shouldn't have kissed you." Kenshin interrupted her, watching as her eyes grew confused. She was trying to figure out his reason for saying it, he was pretty sure, and a moment later he was proven correct when she spoke quietly.

"I know it's customary to ask first," Kaoru couldn't meet his eyes, but her voice was strong, "but you knew I'd say yes."

"No." Kenshin said softly, sitting on a log in front of her so he could see her turned down face. It would have been easier to raise her face to meet his, but he wasn't sure he could say it if he was touching her. "This one means he shouldn't have kissed you because he was telling the truth when he said he tries not to think about you. We, we can't be together Kaoru-dono. Not like that. All we can be is friends."

He expected to see her face fill with pain, expected to feel the exuberance in her aura fade out, and was amazed when her face only took on an expression of curiosity.

"Then why did you kiss me?" She asked softly, her eyes on his face. She saw the flash that went through his eyes before they and his face went perfectly blank.

"This one didn't know what to say, and knew kissing you would stop the questions."

Kenshin waited for the pain to cross her face, and was astounded when only anger appeared. He was more astounded a moment later when he went flying backwards off the log, the recipient of a particularly forceful shove. He heard her scream that he was an idiot. Then he heard footsteps.

By the time he could look up, all he saw was a flash of blue vanishing between the trees.

"Kaoru-dono!" He cried out even as he rose to follow her.

Tears flying down her face, Kaoru stumbled through the woods, knowing that between her kimono and his speed he would catch her very soon. If he would even come after her after lying to her face…

She'd seen the flash of heat in his eyes before his face shut down, and knew the answer to her question in that instant. He'd kissed her because he wanted to. Because he wanted her. And if he'd wanted to kiss her, it meant she had a chance to talk him out of his insane 'we can only be friends' idea. She just had to think fast on how to do it.

She let herself collapse to the ground in a small grove not more than a hundred yards from where she'd left him. Although she continued to cry, her body inconsolable at the thought of being nothing but his friend, her mind was working furiously.

Kenshin stood at the edge of the clearing for nearly a minute, his heart breaking as he watched her cry her heart out. He wasn't sure if he could make things better, in fact his presence would probably make things worse, but at last he couldn't bear watching her cry alone and so he crossed to her, kneeling at her side.

"Kaoru-dono, please don't cry."

He was fully prepared for her to either start crying harder, or for her to push him away. What he wasn't prepared for was for her to throw herself into his arms.

His arms came around her automatically, hugging her to his chest, and he prepared to harden his heart to her tears.

And was caught unprepared yet again when she tilted her head up and kissed him.

He kissed her back as automatically as his arms had come around her, one hand sliding up to her neck to change the angle of the kiss. He reveled in her being in his arms, in her scent, in…

His mind abruptly caught up to his body and he pulled away from her, staring into her shimmering blue eyes as he tried to relearn how to breath.

Kaoru only stared up at him, face somewhere between angry and hurt. Her voice showed only the anger when she asked, "Why did you lie to me?"

"Lie…this one didn't…" Kenshin stammered.

"You didn't kiss me to silence me." Kaoru's voice started to show the pain. "I've seen the look in your eyes twice now when you kissed me. I saw it flash through your eyes before you closed down and lied to me. You kissed me because you wanted to. Just like I wanted to."

Kenshin tried to look away, but her hand came to his cheek and turned his eyes back to meet hers. Looking into her eyes from inches away, he knew he couldn't lie to her. "Yes, I wanted to." He admitted, allowing his hand to come up and ghost along her cheek. "But I still shouldn't have."

"Why?" She asked as her cheek leaned into his touch. "If we both want more, why do you say we can only be friends?"

"When we came back from Kyoto, after I'd tried to leave you all here, Megumi-dono told me what you'd been like in the days after I left." Embarrassed, Kaoru tried to look away, and this time Kenshin brought her eyes back to his. He didn't even notice that his speech had changed. "When I thought you dead, I reacted in much the same way. I left the others, refusing drink and food and care for my injuries, and did nothing. I sat, and I waited to die. Not only because I couldn't imagine life without you, but also because I couldn't live with the guilt of you dying because of me."

Kenshin held her eyes as he confessed, and watched the compassion and understanding flow into them, although he saw confusion as well.

"And if I die a month from now in some random accident, will it hurt you less because we were only friends? Will pretending to be only friends change your feelings for me?"

"No." Kenshin admitted, finally looking away. "But you have nearly died twice because others saw those feelings and used them against me. You've almost died other times just because you were near me. It won't change my feelings, but it will allow you to lead a safer and happier life."

"Happier?" Kaoru almost choked on the word. "How can I be happy without you?"

Kenshin tucked her back against his chest, his arms coming around her. "You will forget me in time. You're young, and you have your whole life ahead of you. You shouldn't be with someone like me. I'm too old for you, and one day soon I'll be too weak to protect you. You will find someone who would be a better match…"

His breath cut off as she smacked him in the chest. Hard. She got in a second hit before he grabbed her wrists and pinned them behind her. Unfortunately, that left her face less than in inch from his, her body arched enticing against his because of how he'd pinned her.

The look in her eyes wasn't pained, or accepting. It was furious.

"How dare you! How dare you decide what's best for me! How dare you think so little of me! You think my feelings will just go away? Kenshin, I've never felt for anyone what I feel for you. I don't want to feel it for anyone but you!" Kaoru's voice was quietly deadly, and he didn't dare interrupt her. "You, you my idiot rurouni, are my match. Don't you dare tell me you're too old, don't you dare tell me you won't be with me because you don't think you can protect me. We'll protect each other. We'll be there for each other, and together we can do anything. My feelings for you aren't going to go away. I'm not going to forget you and find someone else. And I'll hunt you to the ends of the earth if you try to leave again. I love you, you idiot!"

Kenshin stared into her face from inches away. His heart had stopped at her last words. A thousand thoughts ran through his mind, every reason he had for leaving her gained a momentary prominence in his jumbled thoughts. And all of them floated away as he gazed into her expressive eyes, which were just registering the last thing she had said.

"I never thought to hear those words again, although I could have done without the last two." Kenshin said gently, speaking what he was thinking.

"I love you." She said more gently, her body still arched into his.

He realized belatedly that he still had her wrists cuffed behind her, and released her instantly. Her only reaction was to place her arms around his neck.

"I love you." She repeated again. "I know the dangers of being with you, but I'd rather risk them than face a life without you. Don't you see, I'm nothing without you." Her voice broke, and tears started to roll down her face again.

Kenshin did the only thing he could do.

"I love you, too." He whispered as he slid his arms around her back and kissed her with all the love in his heart.

OoOoOoOoOoOoO

"Kiss me too fiercely

Hold me too tight

I need help believing

You're with me tonight

My wildest dreamings

Could not forsee

Lying beside you

With you wanting me"

Elphaba in "As Long As You're Mine" from "Wicked"

OoOoOoOoOoOoO

TBC...