"To Be Alone"
4:
Despite things being fine between the two of you, you still couldn't say that you knew exactly what the brunette woman was thinking half the time. Over the past few weeks, you'd been with Jane most nights of the week, regardless of the hour that you both managed to squeeze away from the precinct. Sometimes she would come to your house, bottle of wine in hand (there was rarely a sip taken from it), and sometimes you would show up to hers after work. To be alone with Jane now meant more than it used to.
As much as you were enjoying this development with Jane, and as satisfying as it was, you craved for more than sex from her.
After the first time you slept together, you'd been slowly realizing that your feelings for Jane went deeper than you ever could have imagined. You predicted that kissing your best friend (multiple times) and making love to her would bring those feelings about. But you weren't sure if they were the cause or just the awakening to feelings that already existed. Perhaps you would never know (but not without trying on your part); all you knew was that you were falling, hard, for Jane Rizzoli and all of her magnificent beauty and charm.
The next time you were alone with Jane, as hard as it was, you pushed her off of you gently, pressing her back against your front door. You both stood barefooted, you with your blouse untucked from its skirt and she with lipstick dotting her jaw. She'd shown up not even ten minutes ago, but you hadn't gotten further than letting her in before her lips were attached to yours. As delightful as kissing Jane was, you had already made up your mind that it was time to talk and get some real answers, something you and your newfound feelings could work with instead of just giving in to the physical pleasure like you had been doing.
"Jane…" You breathed out, closing your eyes for a moment as your lungs refilled, catching up from being deprived, "Jane… We need to talk."
Jane slithered around you so that her back was no longer against the door and she stood beside you, her fierce eyes piercing the side of your face. You glanced over at her and just stared for a moment, taking her in from head to toe, your eyes finally settling on hers. The darkened pupils of her eyes made you shiver slightly.
"Jane, please," You moved into the living room and took a seat at the couch, hearing her shuffled steps behind you, "I just…"
Jane sat down across from you, her upper body turned in your direction, confusion marking her hazy eyes and forehead in its crinkle. You wanted to reach across and smooth the lines in her forehead. To make her confusion go away, you kept talking, "I… know I said this didn't need a label, that it could just be, but I…"
"Maur," her voice sounded choked, "Maura, I…" She trailed off, staring down at her hands and frowning.
After giving her a moment to regain her thought, and seeing that she wasn't going to, you continued, "Jane, I think I have feelings for you. And I don't want that to ruin what we have, but, doing this…thing we've been doing, I… just felt it necessary you know how I feel. This has been wonderful, and exploring more to our relationship… I'm glad it happened but, I think… I need more than just sex."
During your speech, Jane's head popped up and her eyes widened slightly, all confusion replaced with shock. You could feel your heart beating in your ears, the sound drowning out any thought. Jane sat silently, eyeing you for a moment, "Maur, I don't know…" She swallowed, taking one of your hands between hers, "I don't know if I can… be what you want."
You pulled your hand from hers, the hurt stabbing into your chest and twisting, making it hard to breathe, "Oh."
"Maur, I'm sorry. Look, you don't want someone like me. You deserve so much more," she ran a hand through her hair, "I think maybe we let this go on too long. I'm sorry, we should've stopped a long time ago." She stood up, still eyeing you sadly, "I'm… I've gotta go." Despite her words, she still leaned down to kiss you on the top of the head as she made her way to the front door, slipping on her shoes and grabbing her coat and keys that had been haphazardly discarded in your flurry of passion and then you heard the soft click of the door as she exited.
Immediately, you let out the breath you hadn't been aware you were holding and cried.
R&IR&IR&IR&IR&I
It was exactly two days later, ones that passed without any contact between you and Jane, that she showed up at your door. You had been in the kitchen, making a cup of tea when the loud commotion at the door startled you. You looked up to find Jane stumbling through the door, mumbling about locks and keys. You knew from her stance that she was very much drunk; immediately you were alarmed. Jane drank, often, but very rarely was she drunk. In fact, you'd only had a handful of experiences with a drunken Jane and none of them were all too pleasurable. She was very much a messy drunk.
"Maur," she grabbed hold of the counter to balance herself as she made her way toward you. Clumsily, she pulled the cup of tea out of your hands and with a clatter set it down on the counter, tea sloshing out of the sides, "Maur, hi."
You forced a small hesitant smile and put your hand on her upper arm, steadying her, "Jane, what are you doing? You're drunk; how did you get here? Please tell me you didn't drive."
Jane shook her head, leaning in closer to you. Her breath smelled strongly of beer and her eyes were dilated and unfocused. You moved your free hand up to rest on her hip, as you discreetly tried to create some distance between you and her, "Maur, listen," she tried to stand upright, blinking a few times, "Listen to me!"
"Jane, I'm listening," you tried to placate her, your thumb rubbing circles on her hip, riding her tshirt up to expose smooth skin, "C'mon, I'll make you some tea. Go sit."
Jane shook her head, pulling away from you completely as she slammed her fist onto the table, "I don't wanna sit." She paused, her eyebrows furrowing deeply in concentration, "Maur, listen… 'M sorry, kay?"
You nodded, not sure what else to do as you waited for her to continue.
"'M sorry, I was a jerk. You don't des'rve me," her lower lip began to quiver slightly. You moved closer to her, your heart breaking slightly at the sight of the woman before you looking so sad. You brought your thumb up to brush along her lower lip, moving down to her chin, as you cupped her cheek.
"Jane, shh… It's okay, you don't have to be sorry." At this, she flung her arms around you and buried her head in your shoulder. You soon felt wet, hot tears staining your shirt and you tightened the embrace, rocking gently back and forth, whispering in Jane's ear soothingly.
"Maura, I love you, you know?" She nuzzled your neck and began peppering hot kisses along your collarbone, "I just really love you and I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."
Your breath caught in your throat for a moment as you allowed her to kiss you, before nodding and smiling softly to yourself, "I know, Jane, I know."