Hello my lovely readers and followers. I'm back! This was a VERY difficult chapter to write. Before you read though, please read the warning!
WARNING: THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS REFERENCES TO SELF HARM AND MAY BE VERY TRIGGERING TO YOU. I DO NOT WANT TO BE THE SOURCE OF A TRIGGER. TRUST ME, I KNOW THOSE SUCK.
If you've read the warning and are reading on, I hope you guys like this chapter!
The next day at work drags on, yet goes by too quickly at the same time for Prentiss. But by 4 o'clock, everyone has finished their paperwork and is returning home. Emily stays behind as usual, and waits until Reid, the last one remaining in the lobby, leaves. But tonight Emily isn't staying to do paperwork. She has other plans.
She bolts from her desk into the elevator. The team, all except for Hotch, don't know she's still seeing the FBI psychiatrist. She wants to keep it this way.
Pressing the button that will take her up two floors, she takes a deep breath and tries to remember what she rehearsed at home the night prior. She remembers the rules she made.
Everything will be fine, she tells herself. Just be calm.
The "ding" indicating the elevator's arrival pulls Emily out of her mental pep talk. She finds herself becoming numb in the legs as she walks to the door of the office.
Dr. E. Douglas
M.D., A.B.P.N. Certified
FBI Psychiatrist
Prentiss read the sign on the door in front of her, and braced herself. She knocked and waited. About 10 seconds later, Dr. Douglas appeared.
"Hello, Emily. Come in," she said cheerfully.
Emily does as she's told.
She could tell the doctor was examining her for something that would indicate a lie, but she stayed confident. The Doctor then said "Alright. sit down, and we'll get started."
Emily gingerly sits down in the seat opposite from Dr. Douglas.
When Dr. Douglas proceeds to remove a clipboard and pen from her briefcase, Emily becomes more nervous. But she takes a deep breath and remembers the rules.
For her to survive today's session, she'll need to remember the rules. Prentiss knows there's no room for error in this situation, so she plasters on another smile as the doctor finally looks up at her. And then Dr. Douglas speaks.
"So, Emily, how has your day been so far?" she asks.
"It's actually so much better now that work is over. It's been getting a bit overwhelming with cases and files," she says with no hesitation.
"Well, I hear you. It has been quite busy around here the past little while." The doctor briefly pauses and Prentiss knows what's coming next. She braces herself and continues to smile. Dr. Douglas continues. "So I think we should pick up where we left off last session. How does that sound to you?" she asks inquisitively, eyeing her patient's every move.
Emily takes a deep breath, and puts up her walls yet again. She thinks quickly on her feet, hangs her head and replies "Yes about that. I really apologize for my behaviour last session, but the topic was something that hit a bit too close to home. One of my old friends recently committed... that... and I was the last to speak to them. It hit me pretty hard, and I didn't feel like I could talk about it at the time. But now my mind is clear." Emily looks up at the psychiatrist and hopes she put on a good enough show to convince her.
Dr. Douglas looked convinced and also empathetic for Emily at the same time. Prentiss almost felt bad for lying to her, but she knows it had to be done. There's always a reason to lie if you think hard enough though, isn't there? She shoves the doubt to the back of her mind and awaits the response. The doctors demeanor changes from empathetic to suspicious as she writes something down on her clipboard.
- Emily mentions a friend who committed suicide and states thats why the subject bothered her.
-She is convincing, but at the same time, she couldn't even say the word "suicide" in a sentence. Something is missing.
She looks up from her clipboard and replies.
"Emily, I'm sorry about that. But I'm glad your mind is clear now. I really think we should talk more about this subject, if you don't mind."
"Me? Pfft. Not at all. Really, it was just a big misunderstanding. You couldn't had known that someone close to me had just ... ended their life! I was the one who didn't explain." Emily said, glad that the doctor seemed to believe her.
"Well alright then."
Emily prepared herself.
"So did you ever have any trouble with suicidal thoughts in your childhood?"
Emily took a breath and lied through her teeth. "Well, other than the occasional feeling of rather being dead than in a room filled with ambassadors and my parents' "very important friends", no. Not at all. My childhood may not have been ideal, but it was fine."
Dr. Douglas smiled at that statement. "Yes that may not have been the most... enjoyable setting for a teenage girl," she said with a chuckle.
Emily smiled, content that she'd gotten past that question so easily. One point for Prentiss, she thought to herself.
"Okay, next question. How was your time from university until the BAU. I see you went to... Yale. Impressive. Was that ever too much stress on you where you felt like you needed some kind of ... release?" Dr. Douglas asks.
FLASHBACK -
Emily Prentiss was just a week away from writing her last exam at Yale University.
It didn't take a genius to realize that she was, for a lack of better words, shitting her pants. Emily Prentiss was a nervous wreck. She'd already bitten off the remnants of her nails, and locked herself in her dorm alone for the past week, unable to face the world.
She was not ready, and she knew it. But she memorized the notes, knew every definition by heart , and knew the books inside and out. That still wasn't enough to convince Emily, though.
Out of desperation, Emily found herself walking to the bathroom, subconsciously searching for her razor. There's no telling where this urge came from. It's been so long since she's had those thoughts. 4 years. 4 years trying to build herself back up on her own, and it was all about to be for nothing. Maybe it's because her old friend had helped her get out of so many other stressful situations in her teenage years, she didn't know. Either way, she had no control of what happened next. The blade came slowly upon her left hand, and with a swift flick, blood and pain, followed by numbness, filled within her. She felt good. She felt... clear of all else that was going on around her. She felt good.
And so the blade continued to slide over her arm and wrist. 9 cuts later, she was satisfied. She'd never felt better.
But then that good feeling disappeared and all she felt was regret, shame, and hate towards herself. Emily thought she deserved it. She was such a terrible student and a person that no one could love or care for. She wasn't even strong enough to stop herself from doing these terrible things to herself. But now, she felt like her world made sense. There's no describing the feeling. The feeling of being completely centered, with focus only on here and now.
Emily looked at the clock and realized she'd been sitting on the floor for half an hour.
She quickly got up, wiped and bandaged her wrists, and got back to studying.
The day of the exam, Emily walked into the hall with 23 cuts on her left arm, covered by bandages and her signature turtle neck. She wrote the exam and shortly after that, packed her bags and left the campus, not ever wanting to return again.
END FLASHBACK-
"Emily? Emily? Are you alright?"
Prentiss snaps back to reality and curses herself for being so stupid. Who has a flashback at a time like this!?
"Um yes, I'm sorry. Just went to a different place in my mind for a moment there! But I'm back now!" she says with a laugh.
"Okay, you just worried me there. Well what's your answer?"
Emily blushes, and asks "What was your question again, Doctor? Sorry."
"No problem. I asked, did Yale ever put too much stress or pressure on you where you felt like you needed some sort of release?"
"Oh, gosh no. Unless a few too many drinks and a few hangovers count. Yale was quite a big deal for me, and yes the pressure was immense, but it never got out of hand."
"That's good to hear," Dr. Douglas replies. "Well I think I only have one more question to ask and then we can end the session for today. You up for it?"
Emily doesn't even take a second to consider, trying to seem like there's nothing to hide. "Definitely! Hit me with your best shot!" she says enthusiastically.
"Well, alright," starts the doctor. But then she pauses, as if contemplating how she wants to word the question. Emily wishes she would just ask the question. But before she asks it, the doctor says "Emily, I'm going to need you to be very honest with me here. I don't want lies or jokes to cover up the truth, you understand me?" she looks at Prentiss with a serious look on her face.
She's found her out. There's no turning back now. All Emily has to do is convince this lady of whatever she wants to ask, and she's home free. One more question, Em. You can do this. You HAVE to do this. Prentiss tells herself these things as she internally gives herself a pep talk.
And then the question she had been dreading escapes the mouth of her psychiatrist.
"Emily, have you ever planned or almost gone through with suicide?"
Well THERE'S a cliffhanger if I've ever seen one! Sorry about this guys and gals! I wanted to plan her response out well, and leave my readers wanting more. Hope you don't all hate me now. But this chapter was very difficult to write for me on its own, and I want to make the next chapter a great one. Plus I owe you an update, so I decided to update this before the next chapter.
Tell me what you think!