Chapter 4

Elphaba spent the next day completely lost. Had she actually asked him to take her the prior night? What had she been thinking? She had thought she was stronger than to give in to physical lust, to weakness, and yet she might as well have begged him. She couldn't even look at him the next morning. He was her husband, but she did not love him and she did not, could not, want him. Right?

"Do you want to learn some more today?" He asked her after they'd eaten.

"I think I'll just read on my own," she said simply.

"Whatever you want. Do you mind if I sit with you and read on my own as well?"

"It's your castle," she replied flippantly.

She buried her nose into the nearest book that she could understand, no matter that she was not at all interested. Elphaba spent most of the day staring at the same several pages, and she wished she hadn't. He must think she was slow, and she was anything but. Usually, she'd have finished multiple books by day's end.

That night, she didn't wait for him to speak to her. She curled up, facing away from him. If he wanted her, he'd have to ask. And she would do her best to not give him any response.

"Are you feeling well?" He asked as he climbed into bed beside her.

"Why do you ask?"

"You've just been quiet, and you seemed to be struggling with that book. From the little I know of you, I don't think you struggle at all."

At least he didn't think she was daft. "I'm fine." She wouldn't turn to face him.

"Are you ready to head to Shiz in a few days?"

"Yes." Elphaba pretended to yawn, hoping he would think she was tired and leave her alone.

"Are you certain you're feeling all right?"

"I'm just tired."

He sat up, leaned over and kissed her cheek. "Then sleep well."

They were intimate one more time before leaving for Shiz, and her body continued to betray her, meeting his eager thrusts, purring, moaning. She even found herself kissing the diamonds on his body, taking him into her mouth, touching him. She sometimes wondered how sex had never been classified as a drug, because she knew she was not the same person when he was touching her that she was otherwise. Elphaba told herself that there was nothing wrong with enjoying it. Shouldn't she get something out of this situation?

They took a passenger train to Shiz, sharing a small compartment on the way. She began to sorely miss the library. Silence between them was bearable when they were both reading, when something else occupied her mind. But it was uncomfortable when in a tiny little train car. Fiyero tried to make conversation, though. "Are you excited for Shiz?"

"Of course I am. I wouldn't be here if I wasn't."

He looked hurt by that and she instantly regretted her words. None of this was his fault and yet she was not exactly being kind. He was nothing but kind to her, and he deserved the same in return. All he wanted was to please her, and hadn't he done that? Well, in some ways more than others. She really needed to stop thinking this way.

"I didn't mean it like that," she backtracked quickly. "I just meant…"

"Don't. I understand."

"You do?"

"Not exactly. But I realize you weren't trying to be rude." He put a hand on her knee.

"It sounded harsh."

"It did."

"Sometimes I just am…"

"Harsh?" He finished for her.

"I don't mean to be. But I'm blunt and I'm honest and I don't necessarily mean it badly but I do apologize if it comes off that way."

"It's refreshing." He smiled gently. "I can learn to live with it. I like you, Elphaba."

"Really?"

He laughed. "Is that so hard to believe? You're smart, witty, not to mention attractive. I'd say I got pretty lucky when I ended up married to you."

Attractive? She looked out the window. He had to be lying to her. Maybe he just wanted to get her back into bed? She didn't understand what was happening. "You're exaggerating. You can stop. That's not necessary. I'm already your wife. You don't have to woo me."

He looked puzzled by her response. "What do you mean?"

"I'm not attractive. You don't find me attractive."

"I don't?" He seemed frustrated. "Since when did you learn to read minds, Elphaba?"

He hadn't really talked back to her like that and it surprised her, though she almost enjoyed it. At least he didn't sit back and take it. "I didn't, but no one else… my parents arranged this precisely because they didn't think anyone would ever want me."

"Well, I'm not everyone else. Do I act like I don't find you attractive?"

No, he certainly acted as if he enjoyed her body thoroughly, and she hated to admit she may thoroughly enjoy his. And she felt guilty for accusing him of trying to manipulate her. "I'm sorry."

"I realize that this is a strange situation, Elphaba, but you need to learn to believe in me. We're married. Maybe this wasn't the way you wanted it. But I'm willing to be here for you. Don't push me away." He took her hand and kissed it softly. "I asked you on our wedding night if we could be friends, and I still want that. I want us to be close."

She wasn't sure she wanted that. "That's very sweet of you, but you still barely know me and I still barely know you."

"I know I like what I do know." He insisted. "But I understand you're going to need more time."

That night, she lay facing away from him as she always did. The bed was small and he was facing her, practically up against her back. It made her uneasy, as their bed at Kiamo Ko was much larger and gave her room to keep away from him. But she could feel his breathing beside her, knew he wasn't asleep, either. "Fiyero?"

"You're not able to sleep, are you?" His breath was warm on her ears.

She shook her head. "Not really."

"I'm sorry it's so cramped in here."

"That's fine, Fiyero. It isn't your fault."

"May I hold you? I mean, if we're going to be thrown against one another like this, I think it would actually be more comfortable."

After everything they did, he had to ask to hold her. This was the strangest marriage. She paused for a moment before she nodded and said, "If that's what you want."

He curled up against her and wrapped an arm around her waist. She could feel her head resting against his chest, could hear his heart beat. Elphaba concentrated on the sound, closing her eyes. Somehow she found herself finally and quickly falling asleep.