A collection of articles by one Faramir Stewart, writing for the Aberdour Times. Gathered and preserved by Bofur of Beinn Chuirn, and later used in Bilbo Baggins' best-selling memoir And Back Again: A Grocer's Account of the Sons of Durin.
6 November, 2012: Police report that the Sons of Durin are suspected to be preparing for a new onslaught of violence in the cities. DI Thranduil of Edinburgh informed reporters today that the terrorist group has been meeting in Edinburgh in greater numbers than usual, but admitted that police were unable to apprehend any of the wanted men.
"They know the city better than we do," his forthright assistant admitted later. "We don't stand much of a chance of catching them without a clearer understanding of their objectives."
The public are advised to be on the lookout for members of the group, or for suspicious gatherings in general. Do not attempt to engage any of them. They are considered, by official government proclamation, to be armed and dangerous.
14 March, 2013 - In a startling development, park authorities in Loch Lomond and the Trossacks National Park are reporting that the Sons of Durin attempted to forcefully retake control of the land that used to belong to them. The little mountain of Beinn Chuirn has long been the focus of their attentions, but park rangers have reported no sightings of the domestic terror group in several years.
In the early hours of yesterday morning, three rangers were discovered, unconscious and bound, at the foot of the contentious hill. Medical authorities assure us that the rangers are in no danger, though park authorities insist that the Sons of Durin must simply have been interrupted at their work and forced to flee.
"You want to remember, these are terrorists," said Tom Black, one of the injured rangers. "They was armed to the teeth, and had a poor little fellow held hostage! We couldn't do nothing to stop 'em! Amazing we woke up without our throats cut, really."
The Sons of Durin have been spotted with greater regularity of late, and are suspected to be plotting a major attack. Park authorities assure us that they will be on high alert, and better prepared to deal with the threat in future.
15 March, 2013: Linlithgow authorities are reporting the apparent kidnapping of a local man, seemingly in conjunction with the recent sightings of the Sons of Durin in the area, as reported by sharp-eyed local citizens.
"They came through on Tuesday," says Mrs. Gamgee of Bywater Lane, visibly distressed at the thought. "Riding great loud motorbikes at entirely uncivilised hours, of course. We could all have been killed in our beds! And poor dear Mr. Baggins! I expect we shan't ever see him again!"
Bilbo Baggins, proprietor of Bag End, a small local grocery, was reported missing two days ago. Mrs. Gamgee, his closest neighbor, first reported her suspicions of foul play to police on Wednesday, when she encountered a distraught and seemingly injured Baggins outside his shop.
"He was all bloodied, and not at all himself! They must have been threatening him with something dreadful, because he never asked for a bit of help - just locked himself away in his flat for the next few days, and then he was gone! By the time the police finally came round to investigate, there wasn't anything left but blood!"
Tolman Cotton, spokesman for the local police, declined to offer an official statement on the case, but agreed that things looked grim for Mr. Baggins.
"It's never nice when an innocent gets involved with the likes of them," he said soberly. "Baggins was the sort of man who couldn't hurt a fly, even if pressed. What they wanted with him, I shouldn't like to think." Police have confirmed that traces of blood were found in Baggins' flat, as well as clear evidence that several other individuals had been staying in the flat. Investigations are underway. Anyone with information about the case is asked to come forward at once.
There is no family to inform about this tragic event.
17 March, 2013: Sons of Durin captured in Edinburgh! Police report that the group known as the Sons of Durin, who have been wanted for years on charges of domestic terror activities, environmental terrorism, theft, car-jacking, identity fraud, and a host of other charges, were arrested early yesterday morning in Edinburgh.
The group were apparently involved in an altercation with an Edinburgh-based street gang known as the Goblins, which brought police to the scene in time to corner the gang at St. Giles Cathedral in the Old Town of Edinburgh. Police are not yet making an official statement as to whether the entire group was apprehended. Eleven men were removed from the scene before dawn yesterday - some in police vehicles, others in ambulances. Speculation is running rampant among the public, with rumors that several of the Sons of Durin may have been injured or even killed.
What is known for certain is that Thorin Oakenshield was indeed arrested and taken into custody. Police assure the public that Oakenshield and his men are being held under secure conditions, and advise that we should consider them under control. They are not considered a flight risk.
18 March, 2013: In a bizarre reversal of expectations, we have learned that apparent kidnapping-victim Bilbo Baggins, whose story has captured hearts across the nation, now seems to have been in cahoots with the Sons of Durin.
A Glasgow man in great distress reported that Baggins, with the assistance of two of the younger members of the gang, assaulted and robbed him four days ago. While the man was clearly under the influence of several powerful narcotic substances, he was able to identify Baggins by name and give a clear physical description that officials indicate is being considered plausible.
"This individual, who we can identify only by the nickname 'Gollum', for reasons of security, has given us a clear lead on the Sons of Durin," reported DI Thranduil, the lead investigator on the case. "He has slipped through our fingers, unfortunately, but we are now forced to consider Baggins a potential threat. Of course, it may just be that the man is being coerced. We will remain open to all potential explanations. I would suggest to Mr. Baggins, however, that if he was being forced to assist these violent men, he should find a means of informing police. We cannot be held responsible for his safety if he is found to be assisting terrorists willingly."
Vigils being held for Baggins are now in a state of some confusion as his loyalties come into question. The most optimistic of his supporters suggest that Baggins was working to undermine the Sons of Durin from within. He has not come forward with the arrest of the group.
Preparations are being made for the trials of the individual members of the group, though legal experts warn it will be a protracted event. There is still no word on the well-being of those members of the gang who were taken to hospital, though any fatalities would likely be reported promptly by authorities.
24 March, 2013: Sons of Durin Escape! The recently captured Sons of Durin have managed to escape custody, police officials reported this morning.
The breakout seemingly occurred late last night, when much of the police staff were attending a reception - ironically, one intended to celebrate their successful capture of the Sons of Durin. Specific details on the escape are not yet known, though DI Thranduil insisted that it had not been an inside job.
"No member of my staff would have helped them to escape, I can assure you. We suspect outside assistance. Baggins of Linlithgow is now officially a suspect, and no longer considered a kidnapping victim."
Prison records show no Baggins having been incarcerated, or even having visited the prisoners. One William Took was the only visitor any of the Sons of Durin received during their time in prison, and the same Took paid hospital visits to Kili Oakenshield, Thorin's young nephew, as he was held in a secure wing for treatment.
Hospital staff declined to comment, with the exception of a man who gave only the name Beorn.
"Young Oakenshield is a determined person," he told me ponderously. "I am not surprised to see he has found his way. Free things must have their freedom."
"There will be no freedom for any of the Sons of Durin," Thranduil assured me on hearing this. "We will find them again, and then they will pay their dues to society. Justice will be done."
Justice, perhaps, is something the Sons of Durin would not object to finding, if my suspicions are correct.
30 March, 2013: Police have lost the Sons of Durin somewhere in the Highlands, latest reports suggest. Though DI Thranduil has assured the public that they are about to apprehend the escaped prisoners at any moment, Edinburgh police are now reporting that they lost the trail of the group somewhere in the Highlands yesterday. Police attention has mostly focused on the cities until now, but reports indicate that an informant directed them to a private individual's home, where they found evidence that the Sons of Durin have been hiding out for the past few days. There is no indication of where they went from there, however, and police are baffled by their seeming disappearance into thin air.
DI Thranduil also reports, seethingly, that the criminal elements of Edinburgh are in a state of great confusion following recent events. "We have not seen so much criminal activity, particularly among the organised criminal elements, in some time. The Sons of Durin have stirred the pot once again, and left us to deal with it as it boils over."
5 April, 2013: The dust has settled on Beinn Chuirn, and the world has changed in a small but significant way for those of us invested in the ongoing saga of the Sons of Durin.
For those who have somehow avoided the constant updates in all other forms of media, it may come as a surprise that the Sons of Durin are no longer considered a terrorist group. In fact, to many, they are heroes.
Details are still pending, but this much has already been made clear: the Sons of Durin were assaulted in their own home more than twenty years ago, and they suffered greatly at the hands of former Minister for the Environment Smaug. The charges of domestic and environmental terror activities were fabricated by this man, who sought control of Beinn Chuirn for the mineral resources found under that mountain. It has also become clear that the subsequent persecution of the individuals associated with the group has been more than criminal. Today, they are being held in Edinburgh pending civil and criminal charges on a number of counts - though reasonable commentators hold that the terror charges will be dropped promptly.
I managed to get hold of Mr. Bilbo Baggins, the Linlithgow grocer whose disappearance and subsequent seeming alliance with the Sons of Durin has been a matter of much commentary of late. He seemed exhausted, after taking part in what became a fully-fledged battle between Smaug's supporters, drawn from the criminal gangs of Edinburgh, and the forces of the Sons of Durin, their own supporters, and the police. Early reports indicate a number of injuries sustained, but no fatalities reported yet. Baggins was distracted, to say the least, but he did offer a bit of clarification to this newspaper.
"Ah, yes, William Took? That was me," he confirmed. "Can't really say too much right now, but I had to do what I could to get them out, didn't I?"
When asked why he had assisted the people who kidnapped him, I must report that Mr. Baggins gave a very odd smile, and appeared to search for the answer in the clouds for a long while.
"Have you ever wanted something a great deal, but not known what it was that you wanted? Not even known if it was a specific thing, or a person, or an experience that you were missing? I was. It just about tore me in two, to be honest." He shrugged. "They came storming into my life in a flurry of wild words and bad manners, and turned everything upside down. They kidnapped me, and ate all my food, and tracked mud all over the carpets - and do you know what, young man? At some point along the way, I realised that this insane, stubborn, infuriating, wild family were exactly what I had been missing all along. Why did I help them? Easy. They're my family."
As of now, Baggins is being asked to remain in Edinburgh to await the trials of the Sons of Durin. D.I Thranduil assures this paper that this time, Baggins will be monitored very closely, and the Sons of Durin will be more adequately housed and supervised until they can stand trial. I will cover those trials as they occur, and readers may rest assured that, until the Sons of Durin find justice, we will not give up on seeking the truth. - F. Stewart
10 April, 2013: Local reporter missing. Faramir Stewart, the previous writer of this column, has been missing for the past three days. Local police indicate they have no suspicions of foul play at this time. Mr. Stewart is advised to contact the editor if and when he wishes to reapply for his position. At this juncture in time, editorial staff see no reason to continue coverage of the trials of the Sons of Durin. Interested persons are advised to follow the news on any other media source.
And now you know a little more about Faramir Stewart's investigative journalism.
To be honest, as a newspaper editor, I'd fire him too. Very biased feel to his pieces at times. Verges on fanatical interest in Oakenshield and his crew at times. What can you do, though?
This marks the end of this particular addition to the series! More is to come in future, once I get a few other things finished up, and then perhaps we will find out what has become of Faramir.
Thank you SO MUCH for reading! It means the world to me.