Chapter 4 - The Separation

Sheldon went through his morning routine, however everything was not routine this Monday morning, things had changed and Dr Sheldon Cooper hated change. The person who he was closest to as a friend, had deserted him and along with that his responsibilities to him, it was inexcusable and to Sheldon Leonard seemed selfish. He couldn't understand how Leonard could put his petty problems over his own, after all Leonard wasn't the one that the Nebraskan, across the hall, had gotten drunk with, then took advantage of for sex. Leonard had always been a drama queen to Sheldon, probably due to all the soy milk he drank, but now it was really impacting his life and he didn't like it. So Sheldon grumbled to himself as he put on his bus pants, it was already going to be a bad day as far as he was concerned.

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Leonard's hotel was nice and very close to the college, it also offered weekly rates in support of the families supporting university activities, and that is why Leonard had chosen it. Since it was so close, Leonard decided to walk to the university that day, it was a way to let him think, without the distraction of driving. He had a lot to think about, because today he was seeing Penny to talk, and he had been experiencing a lot of anxiety about it, all day yesterday and this morning. In his mind, he was able to bring his situation down to few main problems, first what had happened this weekend, he had questions and wanted to hear Penny's side of the story. The second thing he needed to address, was their relationship, and after thinking about it, long and hard, Leonard had decided that Penny had been really forced into becoming engaged to him, his pathetic hounding of her over the years, plus her situation now with acting had finally wore her down. She even said it herself, he was a smart choice, and even though she tried to explain her way out of it, her comment made perfect sense now after all that happened. Their current relationship problem lead to the final item he decided he needed to do something about, he needed to give him and Penny space, they both needed time to think and decide how to proceed with their lives.

Leonard's insecurities had come back fully over the weekend and his always present fear that Penny did not love him as he loved her, now was foremost in his mind again, this morning. Seeing her in bed with Sheldon, while she was engaged to him, only exaggerated those fears and his tortured mind couldn't understand how bad, he was not really thinking clearly, making Leonard blame his go to guy, himself, for everything. In this state, he rationalized that Penny needed to be free of him and the obligations he had forced onto her, she needed to find someone she was excited about, like when she met David Underhill and was immediately smitten by him. He remembered both Kurt and Mike, two men she said she loved, she got over them after a short time and Leonard thought she would get over him just as quickly. She needed to find someone who made her that joyful again and that thought hurt Leonard the most, giving up on Penny, but he knew if he really loved her, he had to let her go.

With all those thoughts running through Leonard's mind, he made sure he arrived to work early that Monday morning so that he could catch Dr Gablehauser before he got too busy. He needed to discuss something that he needed to do, something he now thought was long overdue, that he decided on the day before. Seeing Gablehauser early would let him see President Siebert before lunch to confirm his request to accomplish the action that he felt that Penny and he needed, to move on with their lives.

Leonard avoided Sheldon, Raj and Howard that morning, not wanting to have to explain his situation to Raj and Howard, and afraid of what he would do if Sheldon said anything to him even slightly inappropriate. He was actually a little relieved when it came close for him to meet Penny, relieved he accomplished what he set out to do with Gablehauser and Siebert, relieved he didn't really have to talk to his friends and relieved that he saw a way for some closure with Penny now. He left the university a little early to walk to the coffee shop, Penny agreed to meet him in, the walk burning off the nervous energy he had before he talked to her.

Penny was anything but relieved as she finished getting dressed to meet Leonard that morning. She had only slept off and on the whole night, her mind, unable to rest, as it ran scenarios over and over on what could happen when she met him that day. Also, she was scared, because she didn't really know what to say to him when they met, except 'I'm Sorry', every other excuse that came to her mind, soundly lame and incredibly stupid. So she left her apartment that morning, unsure of herself and unsure what Leonard thought of her, her hope of a reconciliation not giving her much confidence, after the short difficult conversation she had with Leonard the day before.

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Penny was not surprised to find Leonard was already at a table, a drink in front of him, and a drink sitting in front of the empty chair that was obviously for her, when she walked in the door. She stood in the doorway for a moment staring at him, trying to judge his mood as he just looked at his cup while he waited for her. He looked serious and there was no joy evident with him, this scene alone destroying any confidence she had left inside her as she walked over and sat down quietly, across from him. Penny then looked at him as he looked at her for a couple moments, before she put her hands around the cup in front of her, in the hope its warmth would somehow give her the knowledge and courage to make him hers again. She so desperately wanted to take his hand, but a sense of despondency built in her as she realized they were in his lap, their non availability immediately making her feel all alone.

Penny quickly couldn't take the silence that was between them, so she just said the only words she felt were appropriate for their current situation. "Leonard, I'm sorry, I am so sorry."

Leonard nodded, then responded softly, "I believe you. I really do." Her in front of him was harder than he thought it would be and he had to fight the person inside him that just wanted to say everything was okay and they could go back to the way things were before. However, he knew things were not okay and the way to fix things was not to go back to the way it was before.

Penny gave him a sad small smile, hope suddenly coming alive in her as she thought that maybe things would be alright after all. "So where does that leave us?" She asked just as quietly.

"I don't know. I guess I need you to answer a question." Leonard looked at her intently, he had to know the truth about what at happened, it had been something that had been eating at him since he found her in Sheldon's bed.

"Of course anything." Penny was hoping it was something about her loving him or wanting to marry him because she would go to Las Vegas with him that afternoon and get married if it meant he would come back to her.

Leonard took a deep breath, he thought he knew her answer, but he still had a little hope he was wrong. "Did you have sex with Sheldon?"

Penny let out a small gasp and stared at him unable to speak, the memory of looking at herself in the mirror, seeing the dried seed on her thighs, still haunting her. The shame she felt that day was now coming back to her, only worse, because she now had to admit it to the man she loved, instead of herself. "I'm sorry Leonard." was all she could squeak out.

Leonard sort of knew that would be her answer, but the pain he felt was still just as intense, it made him want to run out of there, but by some miracle he found the strength to stay seated in front of her. He did feel weak though and in a voice that was real quiet, almost a whisper, "Penny, if it had been me you found in your friends bed after having sex with her, what would you have done?"

Penny didn't think it could get worse, but his question made her realize it was not going to get any better as she felt like she was being choked of any happiness she had left in her life. She really didn't want to answer him, but his staring at her made her know she had to, honestly. "I would leave you."

Leonard nodded, he knew he was pushing them both to a point of no return, but he knew he had to do it, for both of them, so again with a very soft voice, "Penny what if I told you I was sorry and I was drunk."

Tears were starting to fall down her cheeks now. "I would still leave you." She couldn't believe this was happening, she felt like she was watching her own execution.

Leonard just nodded again and looked down at his cup, a single tear running down his cheek which he quickly wiped off. "Penny, they have been asking me to come to Cambridge for a few weeks now, to go over new data from their trip this past summer. They say they want me to compare it to the data from the trip the summer before, that I went on. I wasn't going to go, but I feel I need to leave right now, I need time to think. So I changed my mind, I got approval from Gablehauser and Siebert this morning to take some time away and I am leaving Friday."

Penny was sniffling a little trying not to sob in the coffee shop, and with a cracking voice. "Leonard does that mean we're through?"

"I have a lot to think about Penny, and I can't think here. Penny right now, at this moment, I have trouble trusting you, and I don't know if that feeling will change, but I need to get a grasp on all this and really my life, I need to go away to think. I can't be around you and Sheldon right now." Leonard looked at her waiting for her to respond.

Penny looked at her engagement ring, it was something that only gave her joy, but now she wasn't sure she was suppose to have it. "Do you want your ring back." Penny whispered.

Leonard didn't hesitate, as he shook his head, "Penny I got that ring two years ago for you, it was always meant to be yours. It is yours, not mine anymore, so it is up to you what you do with it, I will never ask for it back."

Penny nodded, then silence fell over them, which quickly became uncomfortable, Leonard just wanted to get out of there before he broke down, "I guess I need to go now. Take care Penny." Leonard then got up to leave.

"Be careful Leonard." Penny barely got out as she watched him go to the door and then out of the coffee shop, wondering if it was out of her life completely too. That thought hit her hard and she put her face in her hands and silently wept.