Housestuck Hurrcain Crconikals
Chapter 4: More Trolls?
Beginning AN:
Disclaimer: The following fan fiction depicts stunts performed by several expert teenagers and one badass doll. Do not attempt any of these at home. Seriously, it could mess you up!
(Damara and Meenah)
On the night of the day that the Rainbow Crew went to Hawaii, Damara went to Meenah's and knocked on door. She walked in.
"Hey. Wait what the fuck are you?" Meenah asked. Then her eyes widened when she noticed somethnig! "OH WAIT- huh... you look a little familiar."
"I the number 8 member of the Felt."
"O crap. is that a high rank. 8 might be high in case there's not that many people."
"No you got it backwords you see the lower the number the higher the rank in the usual case it's like that beracracy in Futurama (AN first reffence there will be more later on this chapter a LOT more) with some exceptions like 7 is the third in comand and I am the second. The first in comand has no number he's just a cue."
"Why did you came? Wait, I KNOW I know you! You're... um... shit."
"I thought you mmmight want to join Felt."
"Ok where we go then to get there I'm interested. Maybe they'll help job my memory. Huh. Jog. I saw this guy jogging earlier. A month earlier. And yet I remember him more than whoever you are. I feel like I should... like, your'e real important or somethin'"
So then she took her on jetpack, and it was kind of shit teasing because she (Damara)_ was holding she (Meenah) romansily.
CHAPTER IV
(Rainbow Crw Treehouse)
They were watchinmg Futarama on a shitty small TV. When Rose walked in and, "GOOD NEWS EVEYONE!"
Only the trolls were there for some reason and the reson is about to be found out now. "WHAT COULD BE GOOD IN THIS WEATHER? THERE SO MUCH SNOW, IT'S SNOWING IN BRAZIL! BRAZIL!" Karkat bitched.
"It's a surprise."
Then the doors opened and the other seven kids walked in carrying a bigass HD plasma screen TV with 3D and Youtube. They landed it. Rose continued talking, "We all 8 of us went to your old base and got this and transported it here first by car then we carried it. TBH I kind of left them while they were climbing the tree (the hardest part!) to go up and tell you so that the news will be a shock."
Dave glared at her. "Yeah. you made us do the dirty work. at the hard cool."
"Noone cares about your opinons Dave."
"You were kind of being ass matefuck." Said Jake.
"Sigh. OH NOES YOUR RIGHT!" Dave showted.
Karkat smiled for the first time in the fan fic and threw the old TV out of the treehouse window. "FUCKING SWWEET! I LIKE YOU SO MUCH NOW I WANNA MAKE LOVE TO YOU!"
"Ew all 8 of us at once?" Rose shook head.
"Sounds HAWT." Said Roxy.
"Not for me though. I mean... ick, Karkat" John said, then qwhispered under his breasts, "His breath smells bad."
Vriska glared at Karkat. "HEY! YOU DIDN"T PUT FUTREAMA ON THE OTHER TV! WERES MISSING IT!"
So they did really fast! But then, news!
The reporter who lkooked like sex was reporting in a very sexy way. Hot.
"This just in there has been some terrible news about a aircraft carrier gettting hijacked!"
"IT'S LIKE SHIPPING?" Said Nepeta. "I wonder what ship that be simbolic of."
"Fry/Leela LOL." Said John and everyone laughed. everyone.
But then they also took a moment to ponder what has hapened.
(THE PAST BEFORE THE INVANSION at the Felt place)
Damara and Meenah were there and they saw Scratch.,
"IT IS GOOD THAT YOU ARE HERE MEENAH!" He said hapily. But he was also a little disapointed because he was fantasizing about what it would be like to have Undercover Brother on his team and picturing him naked and UB was censored by a censor bar like the other naked people in this story.
And then he, "I like how your really killer like. Here, you get to be a fekt!"
And then he handed her a 8.5 hat, and Damara l;ooked at her 8 hat like jealous. "She has a bigger number then me!"
"WELL YOU THREAT TO REBELL. SO YEAH." Scratch said.
"BUT I SAID THAT BEFORE AND NOW I WANNA CHANGE MIND!" and to think of it she used to want to rebel but for this moment she actualy wanted to be a good Felt!
Then Scratch said, "Ok on this night right now I want you to get on the one little hellcopter I have on the top of my manshin and go to this aircraft carrier called the Planet Expres and invad it like Lrr of Omnicron Pussyeye 8 does.
"This isn't a mansion. It's an apartment complex." Meenha shrugged. "Admitedly, it's one where you own the entire building, but still. I think a manson might have more square footing than this."
On roof, it was only Meenah wile Damara was there I guess to ensue that she'll be safe and stuff like that.
"ok i go on mission now." Said Meenah..
But then, Damara got idea!
"Wait hold on..."
"What? water"
"I need to inspect the hellcopter to see if there's something wrong with it. Get out incase it explodes on you or something dumb and cliche like that."
So then Meenah got out and Damara went in and pretended to check it but then, took off with the fucking vehicel!
"HAY!" Yelled Meenah.
Scratch came up and smiled. "Well at least she's actually DOING the shit that she's suposed to do by actualy WORKING with the Felt insted of sitting there and snarking kinf of like Noah from Total Drama except that Noah comes from a different Webcomic. Also I get the opertunity to put on a Hitler Ass Tattoo to you. Don't worry it will only hurt a lot. like hell."
Meenah's eyes were wider. "A tattoo of A Hitler on my but? Bich I may have gotten tattoos but I don't want one of THAT jackass! hes kind of a jerk"
And then she ran off, and Scratch was mad, because he lost his big black fuzzy balls TWICE! (his 8ball members Meenah and mabey Damara based on how she wanted to detrade them, and the balls of Undercover Brother because he was imaginarty)
(The President)
Rose putfolded her hands together in reaction to the news report and she looked like Integra from Hellsing."Bad news everyone I think we need to send someon."
"Send all of us." Said Sollux.
"No." Rose said. "It would be cramping up like when we went to Hawaaii but Hawaii was sort of a big trip so it made a little more sense. I do not want to be cramped up in our stupid hellcopter all the time. In fact, we should incest in new vehicles."
"I have no strong fealings one way or the other." Said Aradia like the nootrals in Futurama. Again, this caused a roar of laughetr like the laughing tracks from Big Bang Theory.
Equius had idea. "We could do a Fry-Leelea-Bender."
Rose rubbed chin "hm..." and looked around room.
John was trying to open a can of faygo and accidently hit Jade in eye when heis arm flew back. "Ow!" Jade yelled when Kanaya looked at the hit eye and said, "You got an ebony monochome eye with a mild bruising on your facial feeatureperson. here, let me patchulate." And put eye patch on her.
Then John himself was, "I really cold" and put on a red jacket.
Futrama came back on the TVC and Geno was oggling the hookerbots because he was a sick pervert in that way.
Rose snaped fingers. "We must send John (Fry), Jade (Leela), and Geno (Bender)."
Meenwile, Dave was on one of the treehouse couches writting on a notebook. Roxy noticed.
"WACHAWRITTING IS IT PORN?" Roxy asked.
"It's a secret." Then he looked over at Roxy "But trust me I think that I will get the respect once this is finished and I put it to use."
"ARE YOU SUGESTING SECXUAL INTERCORSE WITH ME?"
"no"
"DAVE JUST TO LET YOU KNOW I DON'T THINK THE BEAR THING WAS TOO BAD I STILL RESPECTFULLY YOU!"
(On Copter)
"Jade. ...you're not a piss because I hit the eye right?"
Jade was piloting because she was the best pilot of thre three even with one eye in a patch to heal better. Also Leela was the captan. "No, I could never stay mad at you you lovibel oaf!"
Geno rolled his puppet eyes and, "HAY DINGUS (john) JADE LOVES YOU!"
And then Geno got out camra and it live feed everything to the Rainbow Crew so that they can see this. He was also recording back when he told John about the crush.
John gasped! "But I'm in a relationship with Dirlk!"
Back in treehouse Dirk sighed in releef.
But then John said, "If we break up I can date whoever I want and Tavros asked me first. Then again I also like Teerzi and then there's Rose and Nepeta or Feferi but then I..."
Jade looked down in depression. "Do you at the very least look at a possibility of us ever hooking up?"
"Yeah I ship us.."
Jade looked up in eager.
"AS MORAILS!"
"wtf is a morail?"
"It means the same thing as friend."
(Inside Aircraft carrier)
Damara was in the room.
"HOLY CRAP SHE'S GONNA KILL US ALL!" Yelled worker.
"I'm not gonna kill you."
The same worker was, "oh so we're hostages? YAY WE DON'T GET TO WORK!"
"No i'm not even gonna hold hostage. You guys keep doing whatever job. I'm just here because at first I wanted to impress my boss but then I thought, 'HEY WAIT WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING' but my boss threats to kill me for not obeying him so I will fake doing this."
"FUCK WE STILL MUST WORK!"
And the workers groaned. Damara went outside to the deck on top when heard a copter.
"Hey it's the cops mabey if I tell them about Felt they will try to kill them with me and I won't be forced to work for them to make up for the debt I made when I tried to blackmail them for buying marawana."
But it was John, Jade, and Geno! When she came up. Also there was a busted copter there but she thought it was somethign she didn't notice (foreshadowing!)
Damara said, "We are the Troll section of the Felt the entire troll section of the felt" Like Robodon about the Rbot Mafia in Futureama. "Only we are short one troll but I dunno I knew her and she might betray them upon finding out about the Hiterl Ass Tattoo."
John blushed. "Aw man, killing cute girls wan't part of mishon! But I have to do it anyway!"
Damara said, "Wait no! I don't really want to work for Felt I want to kill them. But If I try to then the'll try to kill me because one time in the past..."
(Flasnback)
Damara was looking at Scratch going into drug store. (Not like illegal drugs but like those stores close to Walmart) He had on Ben Stiller shades so that noone can recognize them. Damara got suspicious because usualy those that dress like that want to buy porn so she folowed because she was curious was there really porn in a drugstore? She also wanted some for herself if you know what I mean.
"I want to buy marawana." Said Scratch.
"Ok said desk.
And then the desk gave him pot!
"HAHA!" Shouted Damara and she ninjajumped out of store isle and snapshoked a picture of him! "I caught you red handed. Or... green handed! Because pot is grreen!"
Then Scratch got a look of worry!
"Oh um..." Then he said, "SO THAT YOU DON'T BLACKMAIL, YOU MUST WORK FOR FELT OR I WILL KILL YOU!"
Then he ran away so that people won't see him, and dropped his shades, and Dave who was in Kamina Shades picked up the stiller shades and decideed to wear them because he looks better like Stiller then Kamina even though Kamina is awesome (I just can't imagine Vamina dying!) But Dirk looks OK like Kamina.
"It is a tragic backgstory." John said.
"Bite my shiney wooden ass." Said Geno in his Bender acting.
Sudenly, John got pestered by Dirkk!
BE [that's dirk]: John myboyfriend how's it goin Geno stoped recordin for some reason.
GT: [that's john i heard that he was EB because of trolls and the trols didn't see him during the fan fic so now): pretty fucking good!
GT: can we get frinch fries from macdolands after i come back from mission?
BE: Oh yeah about that
BE: I think that you and I should, on diet.
GT: on diet?
GT: I'M BREAKING UP WITH YOU!
(Treehouse)
Dirk's eye twitched like he was going to go crazy.
"You and John broke up? Welcome to the club." Snarked Dave as he kept writing something.
"Dirk, you don't look so well..." Jane said.
"I'm... fine... mwa ha ha! I WILL KILL JOHN NOW FOR BREKING UP WITH ME oops did I say that out loud."
(carreer)
Damara looked at her Handmaid dress, and ripped oit off! John and Jade gasped! (Geno continued playing as Bender by looking around the planes and hellcopters on the carrier to look for stuff to steal!)
"So THAT's what a troll's junk looks like!" Shouted John.
"I ditched my Handmaid suit because it was Felt. And now I don't want to work for Felt I want to work for you. They were a bunch of dicks anyway. Now help me rid this Hiter Tattoo."
So then John got out match to burn it! But then he held it close, and the tattoo started moving! It shouted gibberish that kind of sounded like Jar Jar Binks before jumping off of Damara's butt and growing legs and arms made out of ink and yelling! Then it ran into the rooms inside the carrier and so John Jade and Damara folloed.
(RoomS)
The Tattoo ink monster killed everyone aboard! There were more good guys dead then there were in Bleach!
"Ooops I hope this doesn't count as me killing them..." Said Damara.
"Put some clothes on I may be a guy but I don't like seeing you naked all the time." Said John.
Suddenly, Geno!
"WHAT THE HELL HAPENED HERE!" Geno yelled.
Then the tattoo monster did a shcocking twist and killed Geno! He ripped the star spirit out of the doll, and stabbed trhe star thingy dead!
"Misa gonna go into the movies now! Bye bye!" Said the monster agan sounding like Jarjar Binks.
"YOU KILLED GENO! YOU ASSHOLE!" Shouted John. "JADE, DO SOMETHING."
And then Jade got out rifel and shot it at the tattoo and it exploded in ink everywhere. Then Damara put on her outfit from the leaked sprites (oh shit um... let's just say before that the update that shows her happens, she's wearing a cosplay of Amy from Futurama.)
(Outside of Carrier)
They look head over towards the helicopter to find it crash landed.
"THAT'S YOUR RIDE? THE BROKEN ONE?" Damage yelled.
John nodded, a bit scared at her pissed personality and how it was directed at his group's thing.
"But what happened here what hell?" Asked Damara, angry.
Jade rolled her eyes. (But we couldn't see the 1 behind the patch) "Wel..."
(Flashback so that Geno can be ain this story a little longer even though he died)
"Hey I want to play as Alucard now. this Bender thing sucks." Whined Geno.
"...Who?" Asked Jade.
"Al Card Badguy is vampir from Helsing and he dive-bombed a plane onto a carrier once in that manga. Also I think he's the guy who killed Kanaya's boyfriend, you should listen to her mroe often you know. Anyway let me do it and by it I mean the plane thing with this copter."
"BUT WE'LL HAVE NO WAY BACK!" Shouted Jade.
"Well this bigas ship kind of IS a one way back!"
Jade sighed. "Ok do it but don't be a try to kill us!"
"ok." And then he took over the pilot and then like the Leroy Jenkins meme, "ALCARD! BADGUY!"
"And so that's what's left of the hellcopter."
"Well that sucks."
Jade took note of her blood color., "Say, you are reblood. so do you have sykicks?"
"Yea also I can when I was forced to Felt I was allowed to sample this shit called 'Vitimin Scratch' it's what's making my eyes go all YELLOW BLUE RED PURPLE ORANGE GREEN BROWN BLACK. like billiards. and it hurting peoples's eyes."
Jade sighed again. "It's give me the headache."
"Don't worry it will wear off. And since I am no longer Felt I can't get it again unless I want to but even so I don't really. So the Vitamin Scratch lets me also use phycicks so I add on to it."
And then she moved the carrier towards land. But since it was far out in sea this might take a while.
"Since this is far out in the sea this might take a while. Go on, go to sleep."
(Bedroom)
The aircraft carrier had only one bed so Jhon and Jade had to sleep in it. The trolls on the other hand were nocturnal (except jadebloods) so Damara who was a troll by the way in case you forgot was still awake.
John and Jade were sleeping in the same bed WHOOOOO no ill stop now. Then John's computer rang. It was pester from Dave!
TG: hey something fucked up with genos recording now i dont know how things went
GT: he stoped recording. bettery died.
TG: o
GT: also geno died.
TG: no!
GT: and i think damara wants to quit felt
TG: yay
GT: and be a part of rainbow crew!
TG: double no!
GT: wait what's wong with that?
TG: one aries troll is creepy enough
GT: no she's cool.
GT: jade and i even saw her naked!
TG: da fuq?
GT: long story i'll exxplain when i'm not trying to sleep with jade.
TG: da fuq?
GT: not in the sexual manner.
TG: o right
TG: otherwise dirk would get mad
TG: wait you two broke up
GT: yep!
GT: i'm a free man now!
Then John and Dave talked about unimportant shit like slurm and hipnotoad (ALL GLORY TO HIPNOTOAD) when Jade smelt the smoke of a ciggatret! And coughed at it since she's a winner and winners don't smoke. But this Cronus guy I guess, he's a loser. But I wouldn't know that since I haven't Act 6 yet.
"Who are you?" She asked a guy who looked like Pip from Hellsing.
"I am Pip from Hellsing I am a ghost because someone's... let's say it was a vehicle accident. I wanna tell you that this relationship kind of reminds me of this girl that I never met when I was alive. Her name was Seras Vicria. As a man who ghosted recently I saw her an was like, 'HOLY CARP SHE HAWT!' but couldn't make the moves because I was dead and vampires can't see ghosts unles the vampires are vampire ghosts."
"Huh?"
"The important thing is that John and Dirk broke up so now you can make move on him. Hurry! I don want you to be like me, where you die!"
"Or also like Leela in Fry/Amy fan fics!" But she didn't think it was funy because she was the sane pilot with one eye that Leela took the role.
"Who's the ghost you're talking to?" John asked.
"YOU CAN SEE HIM?" Jade asked.
"No poop sherlock anyone can see ghosts except vampires unless they are vampire ghosts."
Then Pip vanished. But then as a voice he said, "Now that I have atention I must tell you that during ghost powers I can have the ability to bring up to 6 people back to life at once then I must go to Heven."
"HAY! WE CAN BRING GENO BACK!" John cheered, pessimisticly.
"Yes but I can only the revive move once. It just hapens to use enuff energy to revive 6 people. If I use it one one person the energy for the other 5 goes to waste. So only use this in emergencies." Then he really left.
Jade took deep breth and went to talk to John about relationship...
But he was kissing Damara!
"Damn, what a slut!" Jade said.
But she still liked him because they were similar but little did she know that popular ships were opposites attract! (Is that why ther's more fanart of John/Dave YAOI! then John/Jade?)
(Treehouse)
Dirk was watching this using th Autoresponder. He was even madder!
"Gamzee."
"What Honk honk faygo." Gamzee answered to Dirk.
"I'm thinking of going crazy and attempted murder. Any advice?"
"Here a better idea honk honk."
"What it is?"
"DON'T!"
(This chapter have no scene with Scratch and Handmaid since Handmid is gone now)
Meenah was watching ALL of this on her Mac which is beter then a PC (what is PC famous for? SYSTEM EERROR lol that's a Futurama) and then the camera panned to show that... SHE WAS IN GRAND CANYON, and there was a shitload of bottles of Vitamin Scratch, so Meenah can flashy eyes and psycicks for a long time!
"Mwah ha ha!" She laughed. "i am going to build an evil dungeon here right now, and it will be MORE then those stupid Rainbow Crews can do as of the numbers right now!"
Meanwhile Aranea saw this and was hiding behind tree (this takes place in the same forest that the Housestucks fought Vriska) and gasped and ran over to airport.
At airport, "I want to Chigaco."
On the airplane she was unfamiliar with Earth airplanes so she was thought it was really cool and shouted, "WHOO!"
Another passenger of the plane rolled eyes and, "tourists," making it another Futurama ferefence.
(Ship)
John and Damara were hugging on the front of the ship and the water was splashing against it and it looked cool. Jade was sitting next to them looking sad. They were posing together cool like this. The reason being that Jade farted and John and Jade left the room to get some air while the room aired out. Jade also had her eyepatch off by now to depth-percee the waters better and so it looked cooler, and her eye healed a bit.
"When do you think we'll make it?" John asked Damara.
"I sorry but my not-too-strong-when alive powers plus little amount of Vitamin Scratch that's wearing off too plus the bigass size of this equals that it will take until morning."
Jade smiled and looked at camra. "For us, it takes until morning. However, for you, the author needs some more info on those new Homestuck trolls that came out of nowhere and to use them for the next chapters since they will focis on coolfaces like Kankri Porrim and Latula. And Aranra and Meenah and Daarma and Mituna and Moolin and-"
"ARGH! TOO MAANY TROLLS1" Screamed reader, as the reader's head exploded.
"Yes that's a lot plus the 4 unnamed and the classic 12 trolls. Knowing the updates this may take some time so don't be a little mad if this hiatuses. At least we'll have some improvement over spelling and grammar so you won't see things like the following badly-written paragraph anymore from chapter 5 on out:"
John decided to be edge and made fun of the most recent pages. "WHEN WIL MY CANON SELF STOP BITCHEING ABOUT EVERYTHING AND GET TO THE FUCKING TROLLS! I HATE IT! IT MAKES THE SHIP TRIP TAKE LONGER ON A FOURTH WALL LEVEL AND IT JUST FUCKING SUCKS! MARGH I HATE THE CANON'S PLOT DRRAGGING ON! GOD AND I CAN'T REALLY BE HAPPY ON THIS SHIP ALONE WITHOUT KNOWING WHAT ROSE AND ROXY AND JAKE AND THE TROLLS ARE UP TO ALSO FUCK DAVE FOR THE BEAR, FUCK DIRK FOR THE FRIES, fuck jane because shes boring, AND I WANT TO WATCH FUTURAMA BUT ALL THE SHITTY TVs IN THIS CARRIER GET IS SANFORD AND SON!"
And then John foamed in mouth and ran around in rage and hit his head on a plane wing. Jade and Damara looked down at him when he fell back on his back andwas seeing starts.
Damara laughed. "That's my boyfriend! The dumbass."
(sorry about the no gamzee signoff but come on we can't do every chapter the same way this isn't Simpsins)
(this also didn't really happen with the fourth wall this was just a Big Lipped Alligator Moment)
END OF SEASON ONE.
Closing AN:
Okay with this out of the way I'm going to work on some of my other, more serious fan fics.
Edit: While I'm doing this thing called the "Great Typo Cleanup," I'd like to say something: To clarify that weird stuff at the end, yes, this season was written before all of the A1 trolls were revealed. That's why Damara's characterization is so weird. I did try to add a few occasional hints of her canon self in, but it really didn't work out that well. Normally, seeing fanworks that are kind of... for a lack of a better word, ignorant over the new developments is a little... not-quite cringe-worthy, but somewhere around there, but I'm keeping this the same since too much of the little "routine" is dependant on that. So what if it ruins HHC's image of not being a snapshot-in-time fanwork. Spoilers for season four: unless somewhere within the massive canon update the actual ancestors of A1 are described before I get to chapter 13, then it really won't be. (Considering how Hussie kind of-recently said that he'll end the hiatus mid- to late-October, and it's nearing the "mid" part at least, it's honestly a toss up! Should I make this into a race... probably not...)