a/n: Thanks for the reads and reviews so far. Just a quick note where Roddy refs Greg Valentine and his ear, that has to do w/ an irl match where Rod decided it would be a good idea for them to use collars with a big heavy chain connected. They had a dog collar match, and it was hellacious. During the match Valentine legit injured Rod's ear w/the chain, leaving him w/permanent hearing loss. Anyway, that's what that ref is all about. Go check it out on youtube sometime. HxC back in thee day. Also, the movie mentioned w/Rod and Ventura is called 'Tag Team' I haven't seen it yet but of course I want too xD Apparently, they're a tag team. They get blackballed from wrestling, so they decide to do the logical thing and become cops. It's probably cheesy but Rod in a police uniform? Yes please. *drool* Okey. Enjoy :D
Pairing: Ric Flair, Roddy Piper.
Mistletoe Mayhem-1991
Ric got off of an airplane in Oregon, and stretched his legs. In what was becoming a Christmas tradition, Ric had flown out here to meet his long time friend and lover, Roddy Piper. Years ago when they had first crossed that blurry line between friendship and more, Rod had invited him out to the family home for the holidays. Ric loved Rod's family as much as the man himself, and not being particularly close with his own, he always accepted the invite. Kitty and the children always made him smile, it was good to feel the kind of warmth and welcome that was always in abundance in that home. Kitty was an angel, the type of woman Ric would probably never find—but then, that's what Roddy was for. That thought made Ric grin as he pushed his sunglasses up into his platinum hair.
He made his way through the airport and soon enough found Roddy waiting for him. Rod's familiar face was easy to pick out of a sea of strangers. With a grin a mile wide, Ric strode up to Rod whose face was just as overtaken by his own smile. The two men embraced, their arms around each other always a welcoming comfort. Rod pressed a quick kiss to Ric's cheek, one to never hide his affections.
"How are ya, man?" He patted Ric's back, and took his suitcase.
"Oh, you know Rod—same ol' Ric! Kiss stealin', wheelin' dealin', and all that."
"Right." Rod said, walking with the blond through the throng of travelers.
"And you? How's my favorite Hot Scot?"
"Ah, rowdy as ever. Kitty and the kids are great—just got done doin' a film with Jesse Ventura." Roddy scratched at his hair, giving his head a little shake. "Um…I wouldn't bother seein' it. Pays the bills though!"
Ric laughed with him, thinking that it really didn't matter, because he'd watch anything with Roddy in it. If Rod's face was on the screen, it was good. He'd even watched that really ridiculous one—Hell Comes To Frogtown—but he wouldn't ever say so to Rod. Rod had specifically told Ric to take a pass on that one, and Ric could see why. The concept of Roddy being used as a sex slave to impregnate the women of the future was however, highly amusing. The fact that he had to wear a kind of hi-tech chastity belt which would blow his junk up should he try to remove it…not quite as amusing. He glanced over at Roddy, as the other man sat Ric's suitcase into the backseat of his car. Ric ducked in, and Rod started the car. With a wry smile, Ric decided to toss it out there.
"So Rod, tell me…how'd it feel to kiss a frog?"
Roddy's brows knitted in confusion for a moment, as he back the car out of the parking space.
"A frog? What are you talkin' abou…oh. Oh, Ric! I told ya not to go watchin' that awful movie. But if ya really wanna know, it felt kinda like kissin' you." Rod teased, laughing heartily as Ric flicked him in the ear.
Both of them chattered on the trip from the airport, Rod more than Ric as usual, but Ric never minded. Roddy liked to talk, and Ric liked the sound of his voice and his animated expressions. Now and again they'd launch off into some story from a few years back, and they'd take turns finishing each others sentences, bawling laughter, or hollering "HEY DO YOU REMEMBER…" even when the asker knew that the moment he was referring to was one that neither man could possibly forget. The road passed by underneath the spinning tires and spinning yarns, and soon Rod was pulling into another parking space, though not in front of his home in the mountains. The two men were at a shopping mall.
"I hope ya don't mind Ric, but I kind of have to do some last minute shoppin' for Kitty."
Ric just shook his head.
"Pipes, it's 6pm on Christmas Eve…are you fuckin' serious?"
Rod turned to him with a grave expression.
"Yes. I am quite fuckin' serious."
The two of them exited the car, and entered the mall. It was like a farm of ants dolled up for Christmas. Both men were bumped and jarred, elbows and ladies purses nudging them as they tried to move through the mass of chaos.
"Rod…did you just grab my ass?" Ric hissed, and tried to move closer to Roddy as a cranky child hung up in his mother's arms burst into squalling screams right next to Rod's ear. Rod moved closer to Ric too, and they both stepped on each other's feet.
"Jeez…I'm glad that wasn't my deaf ear." Roddy made a face, and gave his head a good shake, his shaggy hair flopping around. "HUH what was that there Ric? I didn't hear ya. I got Greg Valentine fucked up in this ear, and a kid screamin' in the other."
"My ass, Pipes." Ric said. "Did ya just grab it?"
Roddy blinked at him.
"Why would I stab your ass?" Both men paused and stopped in their steps. Roddy laid a hand on Ric's shoulder. "Never mind—don't answer that right now."
They continued their journey through the crowd, feeling the way a fish must feel if it tried to swim upstream against a raging current. By the time they reaches the jewelry store Rod was seeking out, they were sure they'd taken more bumps than they had in their last wrestling matches. The jewelry store was just slightly less crowded than the rest of the mall seemed to be. Rows of procrastinating manhood lined the cases. Hands pressed against the glass, eyes peered at the winking gems and precious metals, and widened at the prices. They were everywhere, they who shop at the last minute. Roddy nudged his way in between a couple of men, and looked around at the necklaces on display. He planned to get Kitty a diamond cross, he was sure she would love that, and his eye just happened to fall on a beautiful one in the corner. The center stone was her birthstone, and it would look beautiful against her soft skin. It was perfect.
"Yes, I'd like that one." The man huddled next to Roddy spoke to the salesman, and pointed to the exact piece Rod had designated for Kitty.
"Hey—me too." Rod added, as the salesman pulled the necklace from the case.
"I'm sorry Sir, I'll be with you in a moment." The young man behind the counter took care of the other man, and then turned to Roddy. "Now, what can I do for you, Sir?"
Roddy jerked his thumb at the man who had just purchased the cross necklace. The guy was still loitering around, admiring it and talking to himself about how much Janice was going to like it.
"I wanna get one a' those too. My wife's gonna love it."
Ric stood nearby, looking over a few of the baubles under the glass.
"I'm sorry, but that we're sold out of those. That was the last one."
Roddy turned to the man who held his wife's necklace. The man snapped the box with the necklace inside of it closed, and turned on his heel to leave. Rod grabbed his wrist, stopping him.
"Hey, wait a minute." He looked from the customer, to the salesman. "Lemme talk to your manager, I'll pay double what that guy paid for it."
The man with the necklace huffed, obviously offended.
"I already paid for it—the store manager has nothing to do with it now!" He jerked his hand away from Rod, who grabbed it again.
"Then I'll pay ya double. C'mon man, whaddya say?"
The guy glared at Roddy through his ugly pair of glasses.
"This is for my girlfriend, not for you."
"Oh-ho, a girlfriend, huh? Well jeez I bet a twerp like you is real lucky to score one a' those. Why don't ya buy her an engagement ring 'stead of a necklace like that there…that's the kinda thing a guy gets for his wife, after she's bored with the rest a' the jewelry ya got her."
"I did't buy her a ring because we're not getting married. We're cohabitating." He fixed his ugly glasses and added with an air of offense, for some reason, as if Rod had given him the whole talk about living together. "It's the nineties!"
"Really? I musta lost count at 89'."
"Rod, come on man." Ric touched Roddy's shoulder. "Let's just go. I'm sure we can find somethin' else for Kitty…I'll help ya."
Roddy watched the annoying twerp with the ugly glasses and his Kitty's Christmas gift walk away. He wished he had a coconut, Jimmy Snuka style. His annoyance was broken a moment later, as the two men walked out of the store together.
"Hey Ric…did you just grab my ass? Horny little devil…" He landed a quick pat to Ric's rear.
"Hm?" Ric eyed the other man with some confusion. "Nope, I sure didn't."
Both of them stopped, and spun around at the same time. Rod's hand's felt around the back pockets of his jeans—his wallet was missing.
"There!" Ric pointed, seeing a young man with Rod's wallet slip into the throng of people. He could tell it was Rod's because just above the kid's hand, he could make out the leather tooled RR that made the wallet unique to his lover. It was in fact, a gift from Ric to Rod from last Christmas, and that little punk was not getting away with it.
Ric and Rod bolted through the crowd, chasing after the thief. Shouts and threats issued from both of them as they weaved in and out, trying not to upset the elderly, or knock hats off of offended ladies. Someone whacked Ric's back with a purse that felt like a brick, but he had no time to stop for an elbow drop. He kept running, chasing down the bandit. Their chase took them through Sears, where the kid cut through the women's shoe department. Ric grabbed a boot from the display rack and chucked it at the kids head, but it missed. Roddy skidded into a saleswoman, who had a tower of balanced shoe boxes in her arms. The collision sent man, woman, and shoes to the floor. With a hurried apology, Roddy scrambled to his feet, and kept running to catch up with Ric and the kid who had his wallet.
Now they were dashing through the food court, avoiding innocent people with trays of food. The lady giving free samples in front of the Magic Wok wasn't as lucky, however, and as Ric bolted past he accidentally bumped into her. Slices of eggrolls and bits of General Tso's skewered on toothpicks flew up and came down like rain. The kid ducked into a store full of soaps, perfumes, and lotions, and with a cry Ric lunged for him. Both of them went down onto a glass table laden with flasks of perfume. The table crashed beneath their combined weight, and glass stoppers uncapped themselves as the flasks scattered and rolled over the tiles, tinkling like silver bells on a reindeer's harness. Perfume leaked in puddles over the tiles, filling the small store with a mix of overwhelming scents. With screams, hacking coughs, and more than a few sneezes, the store was easily cleared out. Ric and the kid rolled around in the glass and perfume, both temporarily blinded and suffocated by the mess they'd made. Ric was drenched in the stuff, and so was the kid, and in the mayhem the kid managed to get up to his feet and slip-slide towards the exit. Rod launched at him that time, wrapping around the kids waist. Both of their feet slid around on the soaked floor for a moment, before Roddy's went out from under him and landed him on his ass with an 'oof'. The kid scrambled to get away—and was off again. Rod grabbed Ric, who was still hacking and sneezing, feeling like he was in some drug induced funk from having inhaled enough perfume to last five hundred women for five hundred life times.
"Gah—my fuckin…ey-eyes…P-Pipes!" Ric coughed and sputtered, as he attempted to regain some form of breathing and vision.
"I gotta go—he's gettin' away!" Rod took off again, seeing the kid duck around a corner. "Aaaah no ya don't, ya little puke!" Rod hollered, and quickly made up the lost ground. The boy ran past a stand where a woman was showing a crowd of people some new gadget that iced cupcakes. "Excuse me there, miss." Rod grabbed one of the newly iced cakes, and launched it at the kids head like a missile. He grabbed a couple more, and huffed after the kid, who now had a glob of red icing in the back of his hair. He launched the rest of his cupcakes, not sure how they were meant to stop the kid. He was just pissed, and it seemed like a good idea.
After a couple more twists and turns, he was able to catch the kid again, and in a fit of rage slammed him head first into the huge Christmas tree that was the display in the middle of the mall. The green fir branches shivered, a couple of giant, candy-colored balls dropped from their places, and crashed to the floor one after another and shattered into millions of tiny metallic pieces. The tree wobbled. Roddy looked up at it, as it began to lean over.
"Oh…shit…" The tree began to topple. "OUTTA THE WAY!" He hollered to anyone and everyone around—and the massive tree fell, smashing bulbs, lights, candy-canes, and the pick-pocket beneath it. Roddy's palm met his forehead.
"We got 'em, Pipes." Ric said, coming up behind Roddy in a cloud of pungency. He laid his hand on Rod's shoulder, and sneezed.
Kitty looked at the two men in her living room. Nothing much surprised her, with being married to Roddy Piper, so she didn't often ask questions.
"Merry Christmas, Kitty." Roddy said, sheepishly, handing her a small box. It wasn't the necklace the twerp with the glasses bought out from under his nose, but it was similar. Her face lit up.
"It's beautiful, Rod. I love it."
"She better." Ric mumbled, as his eyes watered and leaked. Kitty twitched her nose, as Rod fastened the necklaces clasp beneath her hair.
"Ric…I think you went a little overboard on the cologne." She smiled at him, and then her ears perked as the news anchor on the t.v. behind Ric spoke a pair of names that she knew well.
"In other news, Rowdy Roddy Piper, and Ric Fl-"
Roddy grabbed the remote and quickly turned the tube off. He rubbed at the back of his head, trying to smile innocently at his wife.
"The news, who needs it."
She just shook her head.
"I won't ask."