Chapter 4

Olivia and Cragen walked into the hall together. There were maybe 20 chairs in a circle. 13 or 14 had people in them. It was obviously an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. Olivia stopped just inside the door, fear apparent on her face. Cragen turned to face her.
"You're here. And that's the first step." He said.
"I don't think I can do this." She said. She was craving another drink, but hadn't had one since Cragen had picked her up and taken her home two nights before.
"I know you can."
"I don't want to do this. I can't do this." She stared at the circle of people and walked out of the hall. Cragen followed her and found her leaning on a retaining wall.
"It's either this or therapy." He said.
"I'm already seeing Dr Lindstrom, but it's just… it's not helping. It did for a while, and then it didn't," She told him, feeling sick to the stomach, "I seriously want a drink." She looked at him.
"I know you do. Tell the doctor that it's not helping. And come here too. This helps. Trust me." He said, with a knowing look on his face. She nodded.
"Will you stay with me?" She asked. He smiled at her.
"Of course." He said. They went and sat in the hall next to each other. Olivia scanned the circle, her heart pounding, and glanced at her Captain. He was sitting comfortably, with his hands clasped together in front of him. She tried to copy his body language, but found it felt safer to hug herself protectively. She stared at the ground as others introduced themselves to the group. One woman introduced herself, and Olivia's eyes shot up. She knew that voice. It was Amanda Rollins. Amanda sat back down and stared at Olivia and Cragen. Olivia couldn't tell what she was thinking, but Olivia's heart was beating a million miles an hour. She leant over to Cragen.
"I need some air." He nodded and she stood and strode out of the hall. She leant on the retaining wall again, and breathed deeply.
"Olivia?" She knew it was Amanda without looking. The blonde detective stood in front of her and sighed.
"Amanda, please leave it. I tried not to drink, I couldn't stop. Cragen brought me here. The end," She looked into the detective's concerned eyes and smiled, "I'm fine Amanda, really. Go back inside. I think I'm going to go home." Amanda nodded, realising she had been dismissed. She went back inside and Olivia got her mobile out. She texted Cragen: Thanks, but I'm going home. See you at work. She left the hall and ended up back at her apartment. She went to her cupboards and emptied all the alcohol into a garbage bag. As she went downstairs, she ran into Cragen.
"Olivia, why'd you leave?" He asked, staring at the bag in her hands. She continued down the stairs, with him following her.
"Because I couldn't stay." She replied. She threw the bag into the big garbage bin downstairs and went back to her apartment. Cragen perched on the lounge.
"You should have." He said. She offered him a glass of water and he accepted it.
"I couldn't."
"Why?" He asked. She went back into the kitchen and didn't speak until he couldn't see her.
"I'm becoming my mother," She said, resting her head against the fridge. She sighed, "She started off drinking, more and more every night. Then she got violent. She'd hit me and I'd just cop it. I thought it was my fault, especially after she told me about my father. As I got older, she got more violent. I would stay home from school for days at a time, because I could barely move. She didn't care. She'd black out for days, and I'd cook and clean for myself. I was self – sufficient at 8. I got a job at 13 to support myself, because she wasn't. I've turned out exactly like her."
"No you haven't," He said, appearing in the kitchen, 'You asked for help Olivia."
"Barely," She said, her eyes filling with tears. Her phone rang, "Detective Benson." She answered.
"Hi, um, it's Nicole. I just wanted to tell you goodbye." The girl said.
"Goodbye? What do you mean?" Olivia asked. The phone went dead, "Shit. Call Boston P.D, get them to go to the library and to Nicole Tyler's house. We have to go, now. I think she's going to kill herself." The two ran down to her car and drove away from Olivia's apartment. Olivia drove along the highway, her mind racing. Captain Cragen sat in the passenger seat, silent as a mouse, not daring to speak. Olivia's phone rang and Cragen answered it.
"Detective Benson's phone. Captain Cragen speaking," He said, very formally. He listened to the person on the other end and glanced at Olivia, "Olivia, I'm sorry." He said. Tears trickled down her face. She pulled the car over and took the phone from Cragen.
"This is Olivia Benson." She said, stepping out of the car.
"I'm so sorry Miss Benson. We tried to get there in time, we really did, but she had hung herself. She's gone."
"Thank you. Goodbye." She ended the call and sat on the bonnet, facing away from Cragen. It hadn't really set in yet. Cragen, sensing she needed a little bit of space, stayed in the car. She gazed at the cars driving past her, but didn't take any notice of them. She felt an arm around her shoulders and glanced at Cragen, who had sat next to her on the bonnet.
"Come on, it's been half an hour." He said, and he led her to the passenger seat. He sat in the driver's seat and turned the car around.
"No," She said quickly, "I want to go and see her."
"Liv, you shouldn't." He said.
"I need to do this," She said. He nodded and turned the car around. He drove to Boston and parked in the hospital car park. She got out of the car, and when he went to as well, she stopped him, "I have to go by myself," She walked into the hospital and flashed her badge to the clerk at the desk, "Where's the morgue?" She asked. The clerk gave her directions and Olivia walked down there. She flashed her badge at the morgue attendant and asked after Nicole.