Sirius Black was in hell. He was in a white-washed, plastic chair hell...and it was his fault-- his fault that his best friend was sobbing on his shoulder for his dying son, his fault that his sister was asleep from exhaustion, his fault that his friend was holding his godson who he couldn't even look in the face. He was fighting a monster inside and most importantly, it was his fault that his godson Harry, who had the brightest emerald eyes, could be dying at this very moment in time.

Oh god, that note! Harry thought it was all his fault! That Sirius and his parents didn't talk to him-- didn't seem to love him.

"Be back soon."

Oh please, please come back soon. When he read that Sirius' heart shattered into pieces and his brain numbed, leaving only anger. he flinched when he remember Lily's words:

"Harry - Harry baby come back - wake up Harry !"

If only he had paid more attention! To Lily and James and most of all, Harry. Then this wouldn't of happened! Why did Harry even know that slitting his wrist could kill him? Why didnt he talk to us? Why... Why...

Why, oh Merlin!? Why he think that it wasn't strange that Harry was alone on his birthday-- why didn't he ask after him? He gave a strangled sob but forced it down his throat. After all, he didn't cry ever and he wouldn't cry now--he had to be strong.

He had to be stronger for Harry. He looked at James whose strength that had been a constant in Sirius' life. Against Sirius' will, tears had sprung to his eyes. He knew it was his fault, but he still blamed James.

He snapped and spat and hurt his brother too, but the guilt that ate his insides and burned his skin on someone else's shoulders. With a dry laugh, he realised it didn't work-- James had fallen asleep now his eyes were red and his hair even messier, his usually mischievous hazel eyes were closed peacefully.

Sirius held James closer in a brotherly way and tried to will all of his friend's pain away and lend him his strength. It was his way of apologising for the pain he had caused. He looked at the side of James's face and saw the forming of a bruise, realizing it was where he punched him earlier in anger. Shifting silently, he got out his wand.

"Episkey," he winced at the noise in the otherwise silent hall but smiled when James' face was healed. But the smile was ripped from his face when he remembered why he was holding James. He should have know that something was wrong with Harry-- it was his failing and because of his idiocy Harry might well die tonight and his family would be torn apart forever.

I need to get Jay away from here, was the only coherent thought going through Remus Lupin's mind. Everything else was numb-- after all it couldn't be true! James and Lily ignore, their son? Never! They were good parents! But the rational part overruled his false hope-- he knew that they had ignored their son. He knew that the chances of Harry living were slim. He had lost too much blood and a child of that six couldn't take too much blood replenishing potion because the doses were too strong. He also knew that when the Healer told Lily and James they would be devastated. Sirius, too. He needed to get Jay away; he was too young to see his parents fall apart. But he couldn't leave them alone, he couldn't take Lily's last son away from her. So he stayed. He watched Lily cry herself into exhaustion. He saw James' strange hold break and he fell to pieces. He saw Sirius crack, and comfort his brother. He watched this all behind anger-filled amber eyes while keeping a strong hold on the one thing he knew would get his friends, his pack, through this-- when the news broke as he thought it would, he watched Lily run away and watched James break all over again and the pain was far worst then he realised his insides felt on fire. He realised he didn't have the strength to be strong for them all so with an effort he walked to the end of the appariaton zone. With a mutter of the password, he Apparated, Jay in arms to Frank and Alice Longbottom's living room.

"Remus! Remus Lupin?" exclaimed Alice "What...is that Jay Potter in your arms?"

"Yes Alice, I'm sorry but can you look after him for a bit, please?"

"Why? What about his parents, his brother, and Sirius? Did something happen? Was there an attack? Are they alive?" she said this very quickly and Remus winced at her questions.

"They are all alive," he said, adding a silent prayer for now,"but yes, something happened. Can you look after him? You're the only people that I know could look after him-- I'm sorry for the inconvenience."

"No bother! Here, pass him to me--can you stay?"

"No-- I'm sorry, I have to go keep him safe--"

"Is he potioned? He has stayed too quite during this!"

"Yes... he had a six hour sleeping potion about two hours ago."

"I'll keep him safe, Remus." She had a small smile on her warm face

"Thank you."With a pop, he was gone

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The light was blinding and Sirius shielded his eyes from the glare. He mentally shook out the cobwebs and looked around. Lily was no where to be scene, neither were Remus and Jay. James was staring out at the wall

"James." Sirius' voice was hesitant and soft, too soft because James did not stir.

"JAMES!" he shouted louder-- his voice hurt but it worked because James head swiveled around.

"Siri-?"

He was worried now. James hadn't called him "Siri" since they made up theor Marauder nicknames.

"Yeah. Yeah, it's me, James. What's up? Where is every one?"

"The-the Healer came."

Oh no oh Merlin no please please no! Sirius blood turned to ice and his hands started shaking.

"Yeah..." Sirius winced at how weak James' voice sounded, but he was scared "He's-- he's Harry s – he wont survive the night !" He didn't know what happened next-- all he knew was that his hands were on James, and he was screaming at him, his throat burned and James' eyes were round and pain-filled-- he looked scared, in pain but he could'nt stop.

"You killed him! YOU FUCKING KILLED HIM!" Why did he say that? He didn't believe it, After all, it was Sirius' fault that he was dying, not James'!

"No Siri please!" Oh Merlin, James was begging. Why was he still holding onto his throat?

"He was your son! And you killed him! You should have died instead!" No no James should live, it should be him that dies!

"You- you," he was sobbing now and with a start he realised he still had he hands around James' throat. He quickly let go.

"I—sorry! James-I—didn't-sorry sorry," he was babbling but he needed to make sure how sorry he was. He turned to look at James, his face white as death. A shiver went up Sirius' spine and he knew he had to get out of here but he stayed and just started at James' face until finally James moved down the hall and out of sight.

"Sir? Excuse me, sir-- can you move, please?" Sirius jumped at the noise and turned around, coming face to face with a nurse. He stared at her and quickly wiped his eyes.

"Sorry," he rasped and mentally kicked himself at being caught crying.

"It's not a problem." The nurse didn't smile, just walked to the nurses' station down the corridor. Sirius didn't now what to do. He didn't know where James and Lily were or Remus and Jay, he looked around trying to find answers but none came-- his brain was numb and slow and he felt like he had taken something from Mundungus Fletcher. He saw Jay's toy that had rolled underneath one of the plastic chairs. It was his "Paddy doll", a black dog plushie that he'd given the boy for his birthday. He tried to remember what he got Harry for his birthday, but he couldn't. He wanted to see Harry to apologise for hurting him. He held the toy close and walked to the nurses' station.

"Excuse me! Can you please tell me what room Harry Potter is in?"

"Are you family, sir?" Her tone was bored.

"Yes...I'm his godfather. Does that count as family?"

"Name?"

"Sirius Orion Black."

"Hmm...Here... Yes, it says on the record that he is room 105, sir in the intensive care unit. That would be floor eight."

"I didn't know there was a floor 8--"

"We don't post it publicly sir...not many cases use it—" she said darkly.

"Oh." Sirius paused. "Thank you."

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The comfortable silence that had protected James was burst when his Lily asked the very thing that he had been running from:

"James, don't you think we need to see Harry? We need to be with him!" Lily's eyes were focused and determined and James hated to kill her spirits.

"I know." It was the truth-- he did know. He just couldn't face his dying son.

"We need to be there!" she insisted.

For what? To watch our son's life end? To see his light go out? James didn't say this he couldn't bear to see the pain in Lily's eyes return.

"I can't watch him die," James said.

"He won't."Lily said.

James closed his eyes in frustration. Why didn't she understand? Why couldn't she see?

"Lily-"

"James, we already discussed this! Have faith!"

"Faith? Faith in what, Lily? In Merlin? Or that damn muggle god? Newsflash, Lils, this is the real world!" He regretted what he said as soon as he saw the pain in his wife's eyes and he mentally cursed himself for snapping.

"In me, James," the redhead said quietly. "Have faith in me."

That phrase from Lily's lips froze James in his tracks and the breath left his lungs. He had no reply, so he just shook his head and took Lily's hand, taking the small comfort from his wife's contact.

The walk from the reception hall to the nurses' station by the waiting area was longer than Lily's walk. The hall dragged and the people stared at her appearance which was more then a little disheveled. Lily clung onto James hand and kept her eyes facing ahead. They walked in silence and didn't look at each other. With a muttered word to the nurses they walked into Harry's room for the second time. James froze.

Harry was lying in the bed, his skin as pale as the sheets that surrounded him, tubes sticking in and out of him attached to nothing and floating in mid-air. A tube was down his throat and the end. Above him was the heart monitor, showing a slow beat. His eyes were closed and his wrist bandages...he looked dead. Sirius was holding onto one hand and Remus the other. They had their heads bowed and lowered as though in prayer to anything.

Lily walked forward and Remus moved aside. Lily immediately took his place in holding Harry's hand.

The room was silent apart form the steadying beep of the machine signaling that Harry was alive. James moved forward to hold Harry but at that moment a high pitched sound echoed through the room.

Lily screamed and held on tightly to Harry's hand. Nurses and Healers flooded in but James couldn't hear a sound. He couldn't move, couldn't breathe-- all he could do was stand there and watch. He tried to talk but the words didn't come out. All he could do was stare at Harry's emotionless face.

"Harry!Harry!Harry!"

Lily was screaming for her son and Remus moved and held her back muttering kind words. "Harry! No! Harry! Remus let me go! ... Harry!"

She was fighting him with all her strength ,screaming for her son Sirius soon joined her pleads.

"Harry! Shit come on kiddo fight it! Harry! Harry!"

Harry! My baby! Not Harry ! Oh God nooo please not Harry Harry!"

James was shocked when Sirius put his arms around him. He was still unable to speak or talk. All he could do was look into Harry's eyes and will him back to life while Lily's screams filled the air. The talk of the healers was lost to his ears.

"Harry!Harry!Harry!"

But one phrase slammed through his fog-filled brain and stopped his heart

"Call it."

"No! Harry Baby not my my baby please!"

"Not Harry!"