AN: hey guys! Here's the new chapter. Happy reading!
I'd looked for Lissa in every room in the infirmary but still couldn't find her anywhere. I was getting more and more worried. It wasn't like her to just disappear; she'd even blocked me out. My panic began to rise and I was just about to tell Dimitri when I felt her call to me through the bond. We need to talk, I'm in the attic.
Relief washed over me but was just as quickly replaced with fear. What if she'd told Alberta about us? What if she'd told my mother? But I knew Lissa, she wouldn't just hand me to Alberta like that. She knows that Dimitri is one of the best Guardians around and had even grown to care for him so I just couldn't comprehend the idea that she might have reported us. Lissa was also my best friend, for her to do this to me would just be all sorts of wrong.
There were a million thoughts running through my head and my fear almost swallowed me. I started to make my way to Lissa, pushing my way through the crowds and running when there was room. The school's small chapel was packed with both staff and student, Moroi and Dhampir. Some were kneeling in the pews while others just sat, looking like they were beyond consoling. I imagined if Dimitri hadn't come back from the caves that I might have been one of them. But I didn't want to think too much about that. I had other things on my mind that needed attention, like the possibility that my best friend might have just turned me and Dimitri in to Alberta. Yes, there were other things that needed my full attention right now.
I took the steps to the attic two at a time. My heart was just about ready to burst through my chest when I reached the top step. Lissa was seating on the window sill. Her face was turned towards the stain-glass but turned around slowly when she heard me arrive. I didn't know what to say and for the first time in our friendship, I was terrified of her. Lissa looked up at me, her jade eyes filled with hurt and anger. I was just about to say something, anything to fill the tense silence that tinged the air when Lissa whispered, "Why don't you trust me anymore?"
I was shocked. There had never been a time when I didn't trust her. Lissa knew everything there was to know about me but in the past few months I had been keeping my share of secrets. Most of them were to protect her, she didn't need to be worrying about anything, and she already had so much going on in her life. Adding more stress to an already stressful situation wouldn't have helped anyone. I wanted to say that I trusted her more than anyone but she just kept talking.
"You're my best friend, Rose. Practically like my sister. You're the only family I have left," she said. Pain tinged each of her words and I felt them cut me deeper than anything ever could.
"Liss, I do trust you. You know that."
"Then why didn't you tell me! I tell you everything because I trust you," she yelled. Lissa rarely ever raised her voice and when she did it was for very good reasons. She wasn't the type to just mouth off because she was in a bad mood but right now she was seething. Her belief that I didn't trust her was absurd but if the situation was switched, I would have been just as pissed.
"I know. Lissa, I trust you more than anything but I couldn't tell anyone about us," I said. I could see that she was still angry but the rage that had just consumed her was now being replaced with guilt. She didn't like being angry at me and she hated fighting with me. We were bonded for life and hurting each other meant that we were hurting ourselves.
"I wouldn't have told anyone," Lissa whispered so softly, that if not for my Dhampir ears, I might not have heard it at all.
I walked towards her and sat down next to her, taking her hands in mine.
"I know that. It's just... we fought so hard for so long to ignore these feelings that- ,"I paused trying to get my thoughts clear but failing miserably, "God, I don't even know what to say!"
I closed my eyes and tried to take deep breaths. She already knew so I might as well have told her but I wasn't sure if I was ready to say it out loud. There were still so many things that Dimitri and I hadn't even talked about. I was just about to begin when Lissa interrupted.
"Rose, I don't want you tell me because you think you owe me, I want you to want to tell me."
Was my face really that obvious? Exhaustion and confusion mixed in my mind. I opened my eyes to see that Lissa was staring at me, expecting me to say something, anything. I took another deep breath, hoping that it would somehow calm me. It didn't.
"Liss, I don't know what to say... Everything's been a mess and honestly I don't even know when it happened or how. All I know is that even against all odds and against everything that we know is right, Dimitri and I fell in love," I said. Lissa was about to say something but I continued on, "I know that it's wrong. We know it's wrong but we've been fighting so hard against our feelings for so long that it just became impossible to keep going on like that. It hurt to pretend that I didn't love him and it was eating both of us alive to turn our backs on something as rare and pure as what we have. Liss, there's no way you could understand but...at any moment we could lose each other."
I hadn't noticed the tears that were now freely flowing down my cheeks. Sobs were escaping my mouth and suddenly breathing became a difficulty. Lissa pulled her arms around me and was patting my back. I cried into her shirt as the sobs slowly overtook my body. It was only now that I realized that my love for Dimitri was stronger than what I ever thought possible. Sure Dimitri was my mentor and seven years older than me, and yeah we were both going to be Lissa's Guardians and of course there was always the rest of society to think about. Dhampirs, especially Guardians, getting together was seen as a waste of 'resources' because it meant that no more new Dhampirs would be created from this union -Dhampirs couldn't make babies with each other- but I didn't care. I deserved the right to love as freely as any other Moroi. I love Dimitri Belikov and there was nothing, anyone could do to split us apart.
I pulled back from Lissa, trying to get myself under control. She wiped the tears from my eyes and handed me some tissues.
"I didn't know you felt so strongly about him. I just wished that you told me. I feel like, I don't know, that you don't trust me enough," Lissa said.
"Liss, I trust you so much but for a while I wasn't even sure how I felt. Trust me, there were so many times that I wanted to tell you but I just couldn't. At first I thought if I didn't say it out loud then maybe these feelings would just go away. But they didn't. They only got stronger until finally I realized living this lie would just consume me."
I shocked myself; I never thought that I would say so much to anyone. I'd been burying this inside me for so long that it felt really good to finally have it off my chest. Lissa looked just as surprised as I felt.
"You have to promise to tell me everything from now on okay? I don't care how minor but I want to know, no more secrets between us," she demanded.
"I will, I promise," I said, mirroring her seriousness.
It was quiet for a few moments but this time there was no anger between us. We were just taking our time, trying to soak up what just happened. I was happy that I'd finally told Lissa but I wasn't sure how she was going to deal with I'd just told her.
"He makes you happy. He's been good to you," Lissa said breaking the silence. I gave her a questioning look and she continued, "I've seen the way you've changed since you began training with him. Not that you were less dedicated to being a Guardian before but, I don't know. You've changed. You took everything more seriously; you stopped partying, drinking and all the other stuff we used to get up to. It's like becoming my Guardian suddenly became the only thing you wanted. At least that was how I saw it."
I smiled at her. I could tell that she was okay with what I'd just told her and I knew that even though she had been mad before, she hadn't told anyone else. Through the bond I could sense that she disapproved a little because he was my mentor, but other than that she seemed perfectly okay with me and Dimitri. Words could not describe how relieved I was.
"Thanks, Liss. I don't what I would have done if you weren't okay with it," I told her honestly; and really honesty is the best policy.
"Of course I'd be okay with it. Sure what you guys have might be unconventional but love is love. Who am I to stop it?" She smiled.
I gave her a tight hug and didn't let go until I noticed her huffing for breath. I smiled widely at her. I was just so grateful that not only was she on my side but she understood me. The bond might only go one way but I could tell that Lissa now understood why keeping this a secret was so important. We just sat there again, taking pleasure in our small bubble of joy amongst an otherwise chaotic word. Lissa spoke first.
"Rose, can I ask you something?" She asked hesitantly.
I didn't want to keep secrets from her anymore so I said, "Sure."
"Why did you fight against it? I know he's your mentor and he's older but after graduation you would have been fine. A lot of people would have disapproved but the way you described how much you loved him, I know you wouldn't have cared. Dimitri doesn't look like the type of guy that cares about what other people think about him either. So why did you turn you back on it?"
Lissa was just curious, she wasn't accusing or anything. She genuinely wanted to know. I debated on whether or not I should tell her. Telling her would just make her feel guilty for something that wasn't in her power to change but not telling her would also go against my promise to tell her about everything.
"We're Guardians, we live to protect you. We dedicate our whole lives to you. From the moment we are born it's drilled into us that you come first. Loving another Guardian, it's selfish. It means the lives of their Moroi are constantly in danger because how can you put someone else's life ahead of the person you love?"
Lissa looked at me and then turned her head towards the window again. She was deep in thought. I hadn't explicitly told her that she was the reason that Dimitri and I had fought so hard against our feelings but I knew she understood.
"It was because of me wasn't it?" she asked quietly.
I didn't know what to say but my silence would only make her feel even guiltier than she probably already felt.
"We were going to be your Guardians. If we were too busy checking each other out, it meant that your life would always be at risk," I tried to say jokingly. Lissa still wouldn't look at me; her guilt was already starting to eat at her. I shook her shoulder, "Hey, don't get mopey on me! Lissa, this isn't your fault. You shouldn't feel guilty for something you have no control over."
She turned around and I could see the sadness in her jade eyes. Seeing her like this just made me feel guilty.
"I wish I hadn't told you," I say to her.
"No, don't say that. It's just that I wish it didn't have to come down to you choosing me over him. I hate that you don't even get a say in the matter. It's just so unfair to you and Dimitri."
I still hadn't told her about Dimitri asking to be transferred to someone else. It was the only way that we would be able to be together without endangering Lissa's life. We'd talked about it before we left for the caves but I didn't want to be the one to tell Lissa. Not just yet anyway.
"We'll take it day at a time, okay?"
"Okay," she agreed.
AN: I know it's a bit boring but this chapter was very neccessary. Remeber REVIEW! It takes a few miuntes and they make me very happy. And I update faster :)