Thank you for the reviews.

Been a long while between chapters sorry, Sorry its taken so long but I had to watch Beast's Obsession and Post Mortem Blues again for this and I ended up watching the whole 5 Wiliam Lewis/Olivia episodes and then trying to put it all down was harder at first then got easier then longer.

This part is from Beast's Obsession and why Brian wasn't there. that was one thing I didn't like about this episode was her having to go through it all without Brian but then would she have still done it if she was with him, knowing she had someone in her life

The parts in Italics and bold writing is the words from the show and flashbacks to what happened in Beast's Obsession and Surrender Benson

I decided to try to write this from Olivia's point of view instead of the way I usually write as it is about her this chapter leading up to Cassidy too

Hope you all enjoy reading it

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The relief I felt when I asked Nick but I couldn't even say it, I couldn't say that word did he but Nick knew what I meant I was only a shell of who I was the numbness there would I get past all of this, he wanted to get inside my head and he had succeeded.

"She was bait"

"for me, he got what he wanted"

And he did get what he wanted, he didn't care about the public apology it was to get to me to get control over me and I let him do it, did I really think he would release Amelia why was I surprise by what he did now did I really expect it to be easy that I would turn up and he would release her.

I knew after making the public apology I was screwed, it had haunted me for a while lying on the stand but as Dr Lindstrom said would I prefer Lewis to get off, no but it still was wrong I perjured myself and he knew that and wanted me to pay for it, despite my perjury he still went to jail still got a long sentence yet here he had escaped.

Nick asked me earlier if I was okay, and I wasn't ok and this time I would admit it, this time he had gone too far to get my attention to get to me and it had worked I was going to make that press release but Murphy was right, finally when I was moving on here was Lewis free wanting me to come to him, wanting to be in control of what I did.

Murphy was right all along it was a game for him, he didn't care about the girl all he wanted in his sick perverted mind was me and he got what he wanted.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

"Can I call anyone for you, family"

"No there is….., I'm fine"

What was i to say I had no family well not really Simon would call ME out of the blue mainly when he needed my help and well the only other person was Brian. The one person who Lewis had tormented me with, the one who I thought of with the gun held against my head, the one person I was truly in love with but even then I didn't want to tell him about this I didn't want to go through it all with him, I could picture him in my head when he had the gun against it, that I never got to say goodbye to him, that he would blame himself for it all, that I loved him like I have never loved anyone before that I wanted to grow old and have a family with him and I thought all of that was going to be taken away.

After those few words and the nurse saying Hang in there Sergeant and a few more prods and she was gone I had Nick for a short while but really I was alone, alone in a dark place going back to where I had been.

Nick had left and gone back to the rest of them, as much as I liked my partner with me I did want to be myself I didn't really want to think or talk about it with anyone, the shock was still there of what happened the images probably never leaving my mind, he got what he wanted he really did.

Lying on the bed waiting for the nurse to come back, being prodded the blood finally off my face, the photos taken and something for my heart and blood pressure it was finally slowing down, at one stage it felt like I was going to explode .

My mind going to Brian anything other than what just happened "I have something to tell you, no not like that not at all not even close I love you Liv" in all our time together he had never said those words, I loved him too, it just took us a while to get there but his actions spoke louder than words in all those times, except for the one thing I wanted.

Brian, my boyfriend the one who was away undercover, was he aware of what had happened, had Tucker told him he had been in my thoughts I could see his face Lewis taunting me he was the one face I could see the one that kept me going when I started to doubt if I had done the right thing. I wondered if I would ever see him again, could I ever explain to him why I did what I had to do, could I really explain it to anyone.

Would he understand why I did what I did, would he of blamed himself if something had happened, would he get it that Amelia's life was in danger because of me, because of what I did on the stand.

"Look You went thought the worse time of your life you know with Lewis and the trial and do you realise that you never once not once told me what happened to you"

Would it be different now would I open up to him now tell him what happened the pain I was feeling now was different to the pain I felt back all those months ago that was a physical pain this is a emotional pain, one I was fighting for my life this time I was fighting a different fight. Could I would I ever open up to him would this be the thing that pulled us apart unable to fix it.

My mind drifted back to the previous hours, closing my eyes it was all coming back everything that had happened as soon as he sent that text to me he knew what he was doing, he knew I would come and get her, he knew he would get what he wanted, he wanted me to see what he could do to me I was the one person who put him in jail and now I was the one person he wanted more than anything and would use anyone to get to me.

"After all our time together Olivia I feel like you don't even know me"

"Did you really expect it to be that easy"

No it was mind games to him, a game to have complete and utter control over me Olivia Benson, to see a therapist, did I really think it would be easy I would turn up and Amelia would be there, I apologised and nothing yet here when I turned up, his hands moving over my body roughly pulling off my vest taking my gun and throwing away the phone

He knew he could be as rough as he wanted as he had what I wanted the 12 year old girl and that I would do anything to save her, I wanted to save the girl but at what cost it had to come at a cost I was giving up everything I knew that when I agreed to come I was giving up my life a future with Brian would he understand, why was it the young girls that I wanted to save and not myself was it the younger Olivia that no one would help that I was wanting to help.

"We will keep the radio so they can hear you scream"

His hand roughly moving over my body, how long had it taken last time for me to let Brian touch me again, for me not to flinch at anyone's touch, for us to become intimate again to make love, for him just to fuck me hard like we used to. His hands were rough as he took my gun, threw away my phone. I screamed last time it all took me off guard I didn't want those memories back the pain and torture he inflicted on me then, I would not give him that satisfaction again

Again my hands were cuffed again I had lost the control the only difference was this time it was me who let it happen, me who came to him, I know Brian would of tried to talk me out of it, wouldn't of understand all because of his love for me despite knowing my job his love and protection was strong, but I need to do this, I need to end it all, to end his control over me to finally stop it all. I knew if police were involved I would have no chance of finding Amelia and he would have no hesitation of killing her and even now he probably still could.

The back seat of the car trying not to remember the duct tape on my mouth, my hands cuffed behind my back shaking my head the gun shots of him shooting the officer, the alcohol forced down my throat, the ride was bumpy and he knew it but I was keeping my guard up keeping my bearings trying to keep the flashbacks at bay, trying not stop them taking over I can do it.

Would they find me where he took me it was abandoned, I just had to take it all in and hope they would find us before it was too late.

My eyes scanning everything, how long would it take them to search it all, the whole area it was huge I couldn't show fear I couldn't show any affect he was having on me.

"Oh Lord, you're not having flashbacks now are you it is very common; PTSD is real"

"You lie in bed at night, and wake up in a cold sweat thinking I'm in the room with a gun to your head"

The gun was then pushed into the back of my neck I know he wouldn't do anything now or would he I tried not to but I did recoil what did I tell him not to flatter himself I would never give him that satisfaction to know how true those words are, how even with the trial I pulled a gun on Brian, that the flashbacks that once happened so often had subsided to a couple a month. PTSD was real the flashbacks happened all too often, how I hadn't opened up to Brian not once, he could only imagine what happened from the cold sweats and flashbacks, could I ever tell him or anyone what he did to me.

Even now walking along I was trying to focus on the present and remain strong I was not going to give him any satisfaction nothing, I wanted to see the girl that was all I was going to think about.

How true those words were, how many nightmares did I have, how many times would I wake up shaking, reliving what happened to me, how often would Brian hold me, or find me curled up, how often those flashbacks often. How I would see him open my eyes as he was there, he would shoot Brian or myself. How something that could of torn us apart brought us closer together so much that I re eveulated our relationship redefined our relationship what was something casual made both of us realise how much we meant to each other.

I would wake up with the gun pointed at me when he walked into the apartment the gun down my throat "I'll do anything, I want to live" that I had called those words out.

PTSD is real I should know that now all too much it had for a long while affected how I lived.

"there is nothing to be ashamed of Olivia all my girls go through it, I am an agent of change and I alter the trajectory of people's lives".

"they might have hopes and dreams before they meet me but then they run into me and life as they know it is gone."

"You could be getting out of a car, opening a door, and you might just hear a sound but you still thinks of me".

I didn't want to let him think he had any effect of me and that whatever affect he think he had on me it is in his head.

How true that was, I saw him in the lift I pulled a gun on Brian I heard a sound and punched a guy, that now my life had changed before I was more carefree now I am not. That I punched a guy for just talking to me, that I was on edge, that my gun was close at hand. I was not going to let him completely rule my life, he was not going to get into my head, he was not going to get what he wanted this time, but one look around me told me that he would already had gotten what he had partly wanted me and it was to keep on going.

That what he said is true but I am moving on and a lot of it was to do with Brian he had been there for me, even without me opening up he had made me happy and complete he was the perfect fit to my complicated life.

This was psychological this time I was getting that the gun was used last time this time he put it under my chin and pulled me closer to him his body that close to me I didn't want his touch on me but I knew that would change

"Ðo you dream about me at all"

Why would I dream about him how could I admit he had been in my thoughts for such a long time that I did dream of him, that he comes into my thoughts when I don't want him too, that he invades my thoughts how I would never tell anyone that not even Brian.

I have to let him believe it is all in his head he was the one who came back for me, the one obsessed with me. Cassidy why did he have to bring him up, my boyfriend closing my eyes very briefly I didn't want to think of Brian did he even know what was happening, no I changed it quickly telling him he was obsessed with me, he could be in Canada by now, escaped but no he had to come back to me

I would never admit to him that I had suffered nightmares for months afterwards, I would wake up shaking, yelling that it was 2 months before I was able to go back to work, that it wasn't only physical damage he had done but a lot of emotional too, it was a long time before I could even be intimate with Brian or even let him see me naked. I moved one, my relationship with Brian became stronger because of him we moved in together and actually became closer.

"Do you find it hard to trust after what we went through"

"Do you see a therapist, Promise me you 'll see a therapist after this

The nightmares had all by subsided and now this, trust I had always had issues with trust yes I trusted Nick as my partner, and Brian as my boyfriend I trusted them both with my life but that was it, being in the job I was in I didn't trust much.

This time the torture wasn't physical as much as psychological, he delighted in seeing the fear and the shaking. Walking through with the gun trained at me the whole way, my hands tied behind my back hoping and praying that they would find the car and me in time, that I could actually save Amelia

"the therapist probably sits there and tells you your is working through it and you can be whole again, hes lying"

I've seen in the victim impact statements that nobody ever recovers".

I am recovering and will again, all I want is Amelia not this crap from Lewis trying to get into my head about it all, trying to get me to beg again I am not going to do it he is not going to have all the control over me, not my mind this time.

In remembered I didn't want it mentioned to Jimmy about the nightmares still there but fading, that people knew I was seeing a therapist how could I not after it all and yes it helped, he was helping me more than I realised, despite the awful assault I was moving forward slowly and gradually.

He might have control over my body so far and using me as a puppet to get to Amelia but I will not give him total control yet.

Our agreement was to take me to Amelia deep down all of this, I wondered if it was a trap if he still had Amelia but I had to hope that he was telling the truth and he hadn't killed her yet.

Then I see her her arms tied up I tell her everything is going to be ok how I wish it was true but I need to have some hope. I want her to be released he has me now, I should of known that he wouldn't do it. That is all up to me and what I will do for him

"You have me now Lewis, let the girl go"

"I have you both now, I could do you... Have her watch... Or I could do her and have you watch. Either way I'm good."

"do what you have to do"

He will get what he wanted the first time.

Why was I surprised by this, why was I surprised that he would make Amelia watch whatever torture he was going to do to me. Did I actually think he has some decency in him that he would actually keep his word after I went on the news and 6 hours later there was still nothing, why did I still try to believe him, I knew the answer that the slightest bit of hope I had to save her.

He knew I wouldn't let him rape Amelia that I would do anything to protect her, the fear I felt I tried to hide, how he was going to brutally rape he had already padded me down roughly groping me roughly, this was going to be no different.

Slamming me down on the table, my hands tied to the table, did he really think with Amelia there I would do something, I probably would if I could, but yes I was buying time by letting him rape me, do what you have to do, would he do it, it hurt to say those words, something I had fought against my entire life, something I fought so hard so long ago in the basement and in the beach house, he had known how to get what he wanted I could already feel the pain, he was going to take what he had wanted for so long something he never got the first time round. I could hear Amelia quietly sob this wasn't her fault it was all mine, she was here because of me well Lewis's vendetta against me

Pulling my head around feeling his lips upon mine it took all my strength not to fight not to throw up, his lips on mine hard his tongue trying to find its way into my mouth, prying my lips open to enter my mouth I didn't want to feel anything, his touch was so rough so different to Brian's my lips were swollen last time, his mouth was hard.

His hands released my head but it was no relief as they moved towards my buckle undoing my buckle , my eyes staring straight ahead trying to forget where I was, trying to forget what was going to happen I could already feel the pain that he would inflict on me the throbbing between my legs trying to breath normally, breath Olivia just breathe, taking all my self control not to fight him, for a moment I did then I let my mind wander, wander to nicer things, seeing Brian in front of me, our happy times, moving in together, our welcome party, his hands moving around my back, leaning against his shoulder, my rock. His smiling face in front of me trying to get out of what was happening here and now, how I was buying time until someone came how long would it take. I didn't want to think about what our relationship would be after this, if I would let him touch me or how long before we had sex again, my hand gripping the table tightly, trying to forget it all trying to forget what is about to happen.

Coming back to the present, he hadn't forced himself inside of me, I didn't feel him at any of my entrances, my hands were still gripping the table tightly my eyes and body now back to where I was in the grainery, for a moment I had wanted to fight him off waiting for what was to come, his hands on my buckle, his hands on my face the taste of his tongue in my mouth, his lips on mine before groping me again. His mouth moving around my face getting himself all worked up as he let go

"that's all you're going to give, going to play possum, okay new game, my rules"

The repulsion I felt and the wanting to fight him with all I had hoping that without a fight it would turn him off, enough for him not to rape me, would my relationship with Brian survive a second time knowing he had invaded my body, the relief was short lived when he moved away I should of known more was to come that the worse was not over that I was giving up everything to protect Amelia and with the gun against my head that included my life who then would protect her, would they find her in time would it all be too late.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Walking into the room again Olivia was there in body but that was about all, she was a shell of her former self would she be able to come back from this, he saw her buckle undone, but couldn't bring himself to ask her if she was raped, in part he didn't want to know.

Her eyes were staring straight ahead she was in a world of her own a world that no one but her and Lewis knew what went on.

Her face was blank the few words she had uttered to him was about Amelia she was a hero as such, she went after Lewis and he was dead the blood that was splattered all over her face would Olivia be able to come back from this, would she pull through again.

His voice tentative not wanting to scare her "Liv"

His voice slightly louder "Liv"

Walking closer to the bed bringing his hand out hesitantly touching her

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooo

The voice was louder the touch on my arm recoiling at the touch it was instinct I didn't want to show a reaction but even as gentle as that touch was I wasn't ready for it

"Liv" looking up trying to focus my mind coming back to the here and now "nick"

I was trying to smile but it was hard but a sad smile did slightly come to my face trying to show I was okay and was going to get through it all but it was hard

"you ready to go, Lt Murphy got rid of IAB for the time being, there are reporters everywhere, stay with Fin and I we'll take you back to your house"

Feeling his hand on my arm guiding me out it was like all those months ago Brian leading me out of the precinct, reporters downstairs everywhere, Brian pushing his way through "Back off" his voice had an edge to it protective the glare no one daring to go near him.

"you're a hero Liv, you took down Lewis and saved that girl, they all want a piece of that when you're ready"

I knew I would have to make a statement somehow but not yet but would I ever be ready to go back there in front of everyone again.

Instead I nodded I wanted to go back to our apartment to curl up and forget this ever happened to be where I felt safe.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooo

Sorry it was much longer than I thought and still longer but I broke it in two once I started I couldn't stop and watching and rewatching and reading articles etc it all came to me.

I know many have written about Lewis and the beast and I wasn't going to but it was all part of the Bensidy story I have and what was in the actual show.

Hope you enjoy it. Was trying to portray why she risked her life even when she had Brian in it, there is still more to come including Brian's part so stay tuned.