As always, thanks for the feedback. This in another chapter on how both girls are trying to deal with what Brooke feels. But I promise, it's important to the story! Don't forget to click on the pretty review button below and write your thoughts on this chapter! I'd really appreciate it!

Chapter 3 – Who I used to be

I never liked school. Except when it was a game day, or when I had a crush on a guy and got to see him walking around the halls in between classes, all day long. Other than that, it wasn't exactly my favorite place in the world. But never, ever had I hated school the way I did now. It was like everything and everyone there bothered me for no reason. When the other cheerleaders came to see how I was doing, I barely said a word. When Mouth and Skills were worried and asked me if I needed anything, I almost told them to shove it. And I wasn't even on my PMS. It wasn't a particularly good day for me to be around people. Especially people who had never seen me angry before. Really angry.

We had practice after school. The team and the cheerleaders. Not real practice, more of a goodbye thing. Last time we'd do this in school, and we all knew how much we were gonna miss it. I don't think Nathan was too fond of me, cause I was glued to Haley most of the time when we weren't in class. I had to, the girl was the only one who was keeping me sane there. As sane as I could get, anyway. I saw them at lunch. Lucas and Peyton. When he asked me if I wanted to sit with them, I made up some lame excuse about a Lit project I had to discuss with Mouth and got away. I didn't even mind that it was the most ridiculous lie in the world. I wanted them to know I was lying.

She did show up, much to my surprise. And as soon as she did, the girls surrounded her with questions about what happened. She was getting uncomfortable, I could tell how badly she wanted to just run away from that gym. So I took Whitey's whistle and got their attention.

"You can all gossip AFTER practice. Right now, we've got too much work to do."

They didn't seem too happy, but she was relieved. They did as I said, taking their start positions of our most recent routine, the one we were gonna present at the finals, but never actually got to. Peyton positioned herself right next to me, and organized the girls on her side, while I did the same with the girls on mine. She was co-captain, so we always did this. Today I didn't think she would. When she got back, she winked at me.

"I can't believe I'm actually gonna miss this."

It brought a smile to my face. She was never a fan of cheerleading, and I knew I was a big reason why she kept doing it. She knew how much it meant to me. Her behavior was still a mystery. It was almost as if she was trying to find the right thing to do, and she tried by acting in a thousand different ways till she did. My thoughts stopped drifting when Haley started the music. We did the entire choreography without a single mistake. Perfect. Even the guys stopped to watch, and made sure to clap their hands when we were done. I had to smile, couldn't help it. I loved everything about high school. And I was so afraid of it ending that sometimes I fooled myself into thinking it was just another summer, and we'd be back again in three months, for another school year.

"So I guess this is it, huh? Captain Brooke", Theresa smiled and hugged me, "We're gonna miss you. All of you", she said, turning to Peyton, Bevin and Haley.

"Well, just make sure the squad remains perfect as it is now, cause you're the new captain."

I knew she'd been waiting for this since she joined the squad, but it still didn't seem like she was expecting that. Truth is I couldn't have left the squad with someone better than Theresa. Peyton smiled at the scene. We'd talked about this about a year ago, right before the auditions when Rachel and Haley got in. And apparently she hadn't changed her mind about her choice. Our choice.

Last week of school. Of babbling on the halls, of meeting all your friends and hanging out with them all day long, of hearing the gossiping and whispering about your own life on the corners. Of knowing where to go and what to say. And perhaps even of being popular. We'd been talking about the end of senior year since ever. I remember our thoughts of what our lives would be like. I'd be dating the star player of the Ravens, she'd be dating a rockstar, but we'd leave them for a month and travel with her dad, just the three of us. And then we'd all move to some big city like New York or Los Angeles, she'd manage the best bands in the country, and I'd buy on the best stores in the world, we'd have barbecues on the weekends, with the two families together, and our kids would be best friends. And when I thought about it, she did date Pete, who's kind of a rockstar, I did date Lucas, who, along with Nate, was the star of the team. But that was the extent of the prediction. I never would've thought I'd be in love with my best friend, and that we'd be barely talking on these last days.

Haley kept trying to get me to say something every once in a while, but I was afraid. I had no idea how she might react when I told her the scariest truth I'd ever known.

I walked around the halls and they still looked. People still tried to talk to me, people I had never met before. If I wasn't the nicest person with them now, it wasn't because I wanted to be mean. I just couldn't bring myself to walk around with my fake smile anymore. School was gonna be over in two days, so I didn't feel that need to make them see a part of me that wasn't really there. That probably never was, to begin with. It didn't matter like it did before.

One more class was over, just one more to go. I saw Haley outside and went to talk to her, try to convince her to go back home. I knew there was no chance she was skipping, but I still thought I might talk her into it. Before I got too close, I realized she wasn't alone. Lucas, Nathan, and, oh yeah, Peyton. They were there with her. I leaned on a tree and put my head back, sliding to the floor and trying ignore this feeling. The feeling that I didn't belong there anymore. If I knew how much worse things would be, I'd have waited a little longer before freaking out. Or maybe I would've left the place before I could hear what they were saying. Most of all, what she was saying. When I finally worked up the courage to get up and walk to them, it was too late.

"Peyton, when are you going? I can't believe you got it!" Lucas seemed surprised, but also happy.

"Tomorrow. As from tomorrow, I'm California girl for the summer", she smiled.

"Tomorrow? You're not even staying for graduation?" Haley frowned.

"I can't", she bit her lips as if apologizing. "They want me there to start this internship as soon as possible. But you gotta let me know as soon as this little boy's born, and make sure he knows who I am, cause I'll come back in three months to meet him", she smiled, tickling Haley's belly. "I'm really sorry I won't be here for his birth, though."

"It's ok, Peyton. You deserve this opportunity", Haley replied sincerely.

Nathan was the first one to see me standing next to them. Too close to them. He knew there was no way I could not have heard what she'd just said. California. For the summer. She gathered them all up to tell them the amazing news, and didn't bother to tell me. In two days, I'd wake up and she just wouldn't be in Tree Hill anymore. And I probably wouldn't even know that till I asked someone about her and they looked at me with a weird expression on their faces. She left yesterday. You're her best friend, she didn't tell you? They'd ask me. And I'd feel sick to my stomach and turn around before facing them a minute longer. Which was kind of what I did this time. She turned around, it seemed like slow motion to me, and before our eyes met I ran. Away from them all, from that place. But, mostly, from her. From her hiding, and her lies. I didn't even look into her eyes this time. I wouldn't be able to stand it.

I stood on the street and looked at Rachel's house. The perfect painting, the classical style, the big porch. Who knew it could hide so much sadness and emptiness? Not only from the family who lived there, and their red haired daughter, but from the guest who was currently living there. Me. If someone asked me why I didn't go back to Haley and Nathan's place, I would've said I didn't wanna bother them. I'd be shamelessly lying, but most people wouldn't notice. Only the people who care can notice something as subtle as this kind of lie. It wasn't completely unexpected that my cell phone rang as soon as I got inside, and I looked to see Peyton's number on the screen. Part of me was screaming for my hands to flip it open and hear what she had to say. But that wasn't the biggest part. The one that wanted me to ignore the call was stronger. It rang again, three more times, and then it stopped. Then it was Haley's number calling. This time, I picked it up.

"Hey…"

"Brooke, where are you? Are you ok?"

"Relax, I'm at Rachel's. I'm fine."

"Let me talk to her", I heard Peyton's voice asking Haley.

"Haley, don't. I don't wanna deal with this now, ok?"

"Ok… alright I won't. Just…" she sighed, "Can I meet you there?"

"I'm sorry, I just wanna be alone for now."

"Brooke…"

"Haley", I didn't wait for her to finish. I loved her for worrying, and there was no denying she was an amazing friend, but at that moment there was nothing she could do or say that was gonna make me feel better. "Look… we'll talk tomorrow, I promise."

"Tomorrow? You're not going back to my place today?" her voice was genuinely concerned, and was followed by a sigh, "Can I at least stop by, for five minutes?"

I smiled weakly, and even thankfully, "Ok. But just you, alright?"

There was no answer for what it felt like minutes.

"So? What did she say?" it was Peyton's voice again that I could hear. Haley must've nodded, cause I could almost see her expression when she sighed, relieved. She worried. But apparently she didn't worry enough to let me know she was going away for the next three months. If I'd caught her talking just to Luke, or to Haley and Nathan, it'd be ok. But she waited till they were all together to tell them the big news. Usually, I would've been the first one to know. By the way things were going, I imagined I would've heard it with the rest of them. But I never would've imagined she simply wouldn't tell me a thing.

"I'll be there in 10", Haley whispered, and, with that, I hung up and lied on the couch. I half wished Peyton would come, too. But I knew she wouldn't. She knew me well enough to give me the time I needed. And it wasn't something I even wanted. Deep down, I didn't want some time. But I needed it, and she knew it. That was the reason I knew she wasn't coming.

The doorbell rang, letting me know Haley was there. And I was still on the couch, I hadn't moved since I'd hung up the phone. Somehow, I stood up and opened the door for her, saying a quiet "hi" and going back to my previous position. She sat next to my head, and gently lifted it up to place it over her lap. She didn't say a word. I closed my eyes and curled up. I didn't face her the entire time. But, as much as I wanted to hold them in, a few tears escaped my eyes. She noticed them almost immediately, and wiped them off carefully with one hand, while the other one brushed through my hair. The tears came more fiercely, and she still didn't say anything. No questions. She knew I wasn't gonna answer them, anyway. So she was just there for me. That was when I realized I wanted a friend around at that time. I probably could do it alone, but I didn't want to.

I looked at the clock to find that half an hour had passed. Half an hour in absolute silence, except for the sound of my crying, that was slowly subsiding.

"I hate seeing you like this", she finally said quietly, looking straight into my eyes. Our positions hadn't changed on the couch till I sat up next to her.

"Well, just so you know, being like this isn't exactly fun, either", I replied, before I could help myself, earning a weak smile from her.

"She was worried."

It didn't take a genious to know who she was talking about. I shrugged my shoulders in response and felt an ache in my heart, just by the mention of Peyton.

"She should've told me she was going away. Even with everything that's…" I stopped and faced her curious face, "She should've told me."

"Honestly, Brooke. I don't know why she didn't tell you, why she didn't call you, too, when she called all of us to tell us the news. But I'm having a feeling you already do."

It wasn't what she said that surprised me. It was the honesty behind her words. I didn't wanna face her after they were spoken.

"Tomorrow's our last day. Our last day in high school", I looked at her, for a second, and looked down again, "and she didn't even sign my yearbook, did you know that? Not even with something stupid like 'Have a nice summer'."

"Would you prefer it if she'd written something meaningless?"

"No", I whisper back, "No, that probably would've been even worse."

"Did you ask for her yearbook, so that you could write something?"

"I can't, Hales. I know you think it's the same, but believe me, it's in her hands, not mine."

"Well, in that case… there's still tomorrow, right?" I was surprised she didn't make any more questions. Surprised and thankful, too.

"No… there's not. Cause I'm not going."

"Yes, you are. I'm not gonna let you stay here and sulk all day long. At least at school I keep an eye on you."

"You know what, Haley? Just because I don't have a mom, doesn't mean you have to be one to me, ok? I'm a big girl, thank you very much", the words came out louder and harsher than I expected. It only took a look at her to see that the words had hurt. She was, after all, just trying to help. She'd done nothing but try to help, since… well, since ever. I put my head between my hands and whispered, "I'm sorry. I don't even know what I'm saying anymore. I didn't mean it."

"It's ok", but, despite her words, I knew it wasn't ok. Her face showed me it wasn't.

"Haley… I'm glad you came, and I'm glad you didn't listen when I said I wanted to be alone. And you got here and didn't eve ask questions, cause you knew that wasn't what I needed. I just needed a friend. I'm just… so frustrated and nervous about so many things. And I let it out on you. The one person who's been beside me. I promise, I didn't mean it. I actually like it when you play mom on us sometimes", I nudged her softly, getting a small smile that left her lips. I knew I was forgiven, then.

"So… you still wanna spend the night here, alone?" I bit my lip and stopped to think of it. I didn't know what to say, cause I didn't want to be alone, but I also didn't want to go to her place and have to see anyone who might stop by. "Cause, you know, I brought some stuff in the car, in case you changed your mind and decided you wanted some company."

My face lit up. She didn't need a more obvious answer than this one. She left to pick up her things, and that was when it occurred to me… If I ever told her about my feelings for Peyton, would she still be here? Would she still sleep in the same room as me, and would we still talk this way? Would she feel weird around me, like Peyton apparently did, now? Now that I thought about it, liking Peyton like that meant I was gay… didn't it? Or at least bi. It was so weird… cause I never looked at girls in school and went like 'wow, she's hot!' Guys, on the other hand, weren't bad to look at. And kiss. And… well, do other stuff with. I never thought about being with girls. I just thought about being with Peyton. I loved her for everything she was, inside and outside, too. Again, though, I never looked at Peyton and thought about her in a sexy way. With guys, I did. But with guys, I never cared. I never cried with them, I never knew their feelings just by looking in their eyes, I never gave up on going to a party to stay talking or doing nothing, I never felt that intimate, when we were on the same bed together, or when we held hands. Not like I did with her. Guys were great for the sex, physical thing, and their bodies were great to look at and touch. But the love thing, the actual love thing? That, I only felt around her. I never trusted guys. Peyton? I trusted her with my life. Too bad she didn't seem to feel the same way. Lucas was her everything. Body, heart and soul. I actually envied her for finding all those connections in one single person. And I envied him even more, cause he was that person to her.