{I do not own any of these characters; they all belong to Stephenie Meyer}

Thank you MixxyLion! Thank you Knittingvamp7! Thank you Kismit 1496! Thank you Kyla713!

*scroll to end for author's notes*

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"A week?! You've been out of this apartment for a week and you haven't said a word to me about it?!" I was yelling, feeling so angry, so betrayed. How could he do this to ME? Why?

"Bella..." His voice was barely above a whisper.

"Yes, you fucking asshole! It's Bella! What's going on, Edward?! What are you doing?! Why aren't you answering my fucking calls?! Face me, you fucking coward!" The tears brimmed and began to spill over. This was the breaking point.

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Edward - Saturday, March 7, 2009

I rested my body against my Volvo and looked down at my feet. It was so rare to hear Bella so angry, cursing so profusely, but I needed it. I needed her anger. The yelling had taken me by surprise initially, but it was the familiarity of the voice that was excruciating. I had forced any thoughts of her out of my head; if I didn't at least try, I would lose my sanity.

"Edward, you owe me a fucking explanation!" I closed my eyes and sighed in shame. I knew the answer I was going to give and how it would not only infuriate her, but would throw salt on her wound. The thought of hurting Bella made my stomach turn.

"No, I don't." The strain of my voice fueling the bomb that were those words, because in those words was the outline of our agreement - a bogus, sad excuse for an arrangement. There was silence and I rested my head back against the roof of my car. It had cut deep and I knew it.

"Don't even… Don't you fucking… I can't even… That has nothing to do with this and you know it!" She was back to yelling "this goes beyond any of those things" Those things. My throat burned, her voice was breaking, and she was crying now. I couldn't take crying; that was the very thing I knew would ruin my escape. I needed to end this conversation quick.

"Edward…" Her voice was a whisper between quiet little sobs and it made my heart sink and feel like my ribs had just been snapped, one by one. I couldn't listen to this; it will be the end of any future plans. "Please…" she continued. I hit the top of one of the closed boxes I had laid on top of hood of the car with closed fist.

"Bella, forget it! Just… drop it! I don't owe you an explanation. I don't owe you anything! Stop!" Those words were battery acid on my tongue. They made me lightheaded and, for a moment, I regretted everything.

I worked so hard for this. I wanted this so bad for so long and now I was going to give it all up, for her. I should have gone about this an entirely different way. I should have thought things through more carefully. I shouldn't have been this big of a coward, but it was never suppose to be this hard. It was too late now and the damage was done. I was on that balance again, of either losing Bella Swan or losing Edward Cullen.

"Goodbye, Bella." I spoke, defeated, and closed my phone. I chose - Edward Cullen.

A gentleman helped me with some boxes and laid them down next to the counter of the post office for me. I picked up the note with the address in my pocket and felt the phone vibrate, looking at the name on the caller ID, I smiled.

"Hey, Dad."

"Edward, your mother is going to be very angry at you son!" He didn't sound mad. He sounded like he was holding back a smirk, and I smiled wider.

"What did I do now?"

"You haven't told your sister." I stopped writing the address in the boxes and sighed. This has to be the day from hell.

"I know, but Alice will understand when I tell her. You know her, Dad! She probably already figured it out anyway and is pretending she doesn't know. No one hides secrets from Alice Cullen and gets away with it. She's just like her mother." I heard him laugh.

"That's very true. Whatever you decide to do, you know I am behind you one hundred percent." My father, though I suffered rebellious years were we fought constantly, was my mentor. He was that wall I could always lean against. I wished with all my might I could put my pride aside and tell him what's been happening with Bella. He would understand, and he'd know what to do. Instead, I swallowed my words and sighed.

"I have to go son. I have a heart transplant in an hour, and I have to start getting ready."

"Alright, Dad. I'll call Mom tonight."

"Please do. She's worried about you." I frowned and hung up the phone.

Once done writing the address in all the boxes, I headed for the counter, dragging some of the boxes with my feet. The post office employee laughed at me.

"Where are all of these going to?"

"Oxford," I replied.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007 (1 year 6 months ago):

I stood from the bed buckling my belt. Bella sat watching the window, holding the sheets to her chest covering most of her naked form. She was breathtaking. There was no doubt about it. I turned to sift through my desk.

"Edward…" My name was a whisper in her mouth. "What is this?" I turned to watch as she made a hand gesture that pointed from me back to her and again a couple of times. I understood and sat on the bed beside her.

"I don't know." I answered honestly, lying back on the pillow, hands crossed behind my head. "Two friends, enjoying simple pleasures, I suppose." Though my words did not make complete sense, even to me, I could not really form a correct explanation to what was really happening between me and Bella.

"Oh." She looked back out the window and sighed; she did not seem pleased with the answer. "I hear things like this get complicated and turn bad." She didn't look at me when she said this and my stomach had a funny reaction because of it.

"Bella -" I waited for our eyes to meet. "We won't let this turn bad. No matter what is going on, we are still friends. We will just be friends with a different arrangement. If along the way either of us finds something different, then I'm sure the other would understand, but our friendship will come in first… always." I reached to stroke her cheek on that very last word.

"So… friends?" she smiled, but it was a different smile, an unsure smile that I'd never seen on Bella before.

"Friends." I repeated.

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The ride to the motel was a very long one, another week in this shit hole and I was going to sink into an even deeper depression. Dad could have rented me a hotel suite, but I could not have accepted it. He hadn't helped me this far; it was better this way.

Laying back in the squeaky bed, I thought of Bella and felt sick. I shouldn't have treated her that way. I shouldn't have said the things I said. I should apologize. I should enjoy the last couple of days I had left here and be with her. I'm such an idiot. I picked up my phone and dialed.

"I can't come to the phone right now. Leave a message and I'll get back to you very soon… bye." Two rings…it was only two rings before I got the voice mail. She had denied my call.

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I had been in the car for 23 minutes, holding the envelope in my hands and watching Bella's big red truck. I hated that stupid machine. It was going to die any day, and Bella was going to be stuck in the middle of nowhere because of it, but she loved the damn thing.

Thursday, February 21, 2008 (1 year and 1 month ago):

She slammed the door of the truck so hard it made me flinch; her face was red with anger. I had never seen her this mad and I worried how long it would take for her to forgive me for this.

"Bella!" I yelled as she practically ran past me, her bag hanging over her shoulder, papers and keys in hand. She hadn't even looked at me.

"Don't come near me!" She turned and pointed, then turned back around and continued up the stairs. I had run after her.

"Would you let me explain, please…" I begged and watched her fighting to open her door. She was shaking with anger, the noise of her keys echoed around the hall of the dorms.

"Fuck you!" My eyes widened. Bella had never spoken to me that way. I've heard her curse before, but never directed at me this way. She managed to open the door and tried to close it before my hand caught it. I pushed myself inside. "Edward, leave me alone, you've done enough!" she yelled and threw her things in her table.

"I just wanted to help you!" I stood frozen by the door.

Bella had been flunking Professor Moore's class and was devastated. If her average GPA lowered, she could lose the full scholarship she was given to attend Dartmouth and all she had worked for would be ruined. Bella couldn't afford the tuition on her own.

"I do not need that kind of help, Edward! That was cheating!" she yelled.

I had spoken to my father about the problem Bella was facing and he made some calls to see how he could help. Moore was well known for what a hard ass he was and how he would never give extra credit, but my father's name was prestigious in the university. I always argued with the idea that our last name was the reason we could attend Dartmouth instead of our GPA. My father knew that asking for this kind of help was because it was important to me, so he didn't ask any questions about who Bella was and why I needed to help her; he was just happy to help. That was just the kind of person Dr. Cullen is and one of the many reason he is such an excellent doctor.

Apparently, Moore was not so happy about his arm being twisted for a specific student and made it well known to Bella. I heard of the incident from Angela when I had run into her in the hall. She witnessed the whole thing after class. It wasn't pretty and, apparently, the Cullen name had come up on various occasions. I had run 3 red lights just to get to the dorms before her.

"Bella… I thought I was helping. If you lose your scholarship…" I pleaded.

"If I lose it, I would know I lost it because of my own fault! I got it on my own too, you know? I didn't need anyone else's status to get that fucking scholarship! My dad didn't get it for me! I got it and I've maintained it on my own as well!"

The words hit me like a ton of bricks and a punch in the jaw, and my thoughts blurred with anger.

"What exactly are you trying to say, Isabella?! That I'm here because of my father? That I'm a 4.0 because my father is Dr. Cullen M.D?!" I shook my head. "I worked my fucking ass off for that GPA, and I've been working my fucking ass off trying to get out of my father's shadow! So, don't you fucking throw that shit in my face! This is the first time I have ever asked him for help with school, because I thought I'd help someone less fortunate than I was. Professor Moore is a prick, and he wasn't giving you the chance you deserved! No, he shouldn't have yelled at you, and he shouldn't have said the shit that he said, but you shouldn't be an ungrateful little bitch when all I was trying to do was help you!"

My breathing was heavy, my brow furrowed, my fists clenched at my sides but everything came crashing around me suddenly. Tears ran down her face and her small little hand covered her mouth. I'd hurt her, and bad.

I acknowledged my mistake then, took a step toward her, and stretched my hand, hoping she'd realize I was sorry and come in for a hug.

"Get out!" she yelled so loud I gasped and my hand was back on my side. "Get the fuck out of here Cullen; I don't ever want to see your face again! How dare you?!" She shook violently; her screams breaking with sobs. It all felt like being sucked into a void, and I was panicking.

"Bella, wait! I'm sorry." It took all my courage to walk a step toward her, but she took a step back. I felt the walls closing in around me. "Bella, please…" She pointed to the door and closed her eyes as another tear escaped her.

I refused to leave things the way they were, and resorted to drastic measures. I grabbed her face and brought her mouth to my own, pressing a kiss and closing my eyes.

I felt her pushing at my chest with all her might, but I held her face and placed small intruding kisses along the outline of her tears. "I'm sorry… I'm sorry, Bella… listen to me…" My words were interrupted with kisses that I hoped would ease her anger; instead, she turned her head from me.

I stopped and straightened my back. She was saying no to me; she didn't want me and my head was hurting because of it. My breathing was ragged, and the room felt like it was spinning. I rested my forehead on her jaw, smelled her, ran my nose along the sharp edge, and kept my eyes closed tightly. I would not fight her anymore.

Before my hands could release her face, she was holding onto my wrists. Her grip was hard. She was still very angry, but I took it as an indication that it was ok to continue. I sucked on her neck, moving closer to press my body against hers. She still held my wrists. I moved, so both our hands were stretch to the side. Her head still looked away, but I did not stop. Inibbled at her collarbone, and finally felt a sigh.

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Her face still looked away, even after letting me strip her to undergarments. She still refused to let me kiss her and I was becoming very agitated. She was punishing me and it was working. I rested my forehead against her jaw once more. I did not dare to speak. All that could be heard was our panting; not even a moan escaped her mouth and my confidence was beginning to crumble. I cupped her breasts and pinched her nipples, then tugged them hard. I knew she liked that. Finally, I was rewarded with goose bumps and a sharp intake of breath. Her nipples became hard under the fabric, and I smiled, delighted.

Once the bra was removed, I dared to look up. I couldn't do anymore. I refused to continue. I've been punished enough. I needed her mouth and I would beg if she needed me to. "Bella…" I began, but before I could continue, her mouth was finally on mine.

It was such a rough and violent kiss, with her fingers tangled in the hair in the back of my head as she sucked on my bottom lip so hard, I let out a throaty moan. If angry Bella meant I would get kissed this way, maybe having her angry wasn't so bad after all. Our tongues fought for dominance, pushing against each other, but she won and again I moaned. Wow.

My thoughts were foggy and, in seconds, I had pushed everything off the coffee table. She sat on it as papers, candles, and cups decorated the floor. She laid back and I situated myself on my knees between her legs, my hardness pressed against her core. I leaned forward and pressed kisses on her belly. The smell was always so intoxicating. I pulled to remove her panties.

Her nails scratched at my back when she yanked the shirt over my head, and I worked on removing my pants as I buried my mouth between her folds. She was so wet. I was surprised and, when I groaned, I was rewarded with the most precious sound in the entire universe - my little kitten cry.

I ran my tongue over her folds, holding her thighs tightly, her legs over my shoulders. I wanted to try my very hardest to make it up to her. I'd do anything at this point. My tongue entered her and I watched as she arched, but still she didn't moan and my stomach was acting funny again.

Her fingers tangled in the hair in the back of my head and they pulled. She didn't want me to finish her like this and, again, I worried I had done something wrong. I couldn't understand what was wrong with me. I knew every one of her buttons; I had pushed every one of her buttons, but nothing seemed to be working right. She had pulled me enough, and I rested against her neck. I ran my tongue to collect the sweat that was building there and, in a sudden movement, I was inside her and another cry escaped her mouth. I sighed in relief, feeling myself throb inside her.

My hips moved of their own accord, long swift moments that brought me in and out at an even pace. Her warmth and the tightness around me becoming stronger with each thrust, but when I looked up at her, the image perturbed me. She stared at her left, her eyebrows furrowed in deep concentration on something else. I would have stopped, but the anger that fuelled inside me didn't let me. Instead, I bucked my hips harder against her.

"Bella!" Her concentration wondered when I saw her eyes rolling back. She held her breath and clenched her fist that laid by the side of her hips. I gasped.

Bella was trying not to cum. She wasn't done punishing me, and my stomach ached in apprehension.

"Bella…" I rested my mouth against her ear to whisper, my voice sounding strained and my movements still as hard as they were seconds ago. "Bella I want to make you cum…" She arched her back under me, her breasts pressing against my chest; she turned her gaze the other way. She was becoming tighter and it was becoming harder for me to last longer. "Bella, please… let me make you cum…" A soft little whimper hit my ears and it vibrated down my spine and into my groin. I moaned.

Holding her wrists, fist still clenched over her head, I pinned them against the coffee table, but I had brought her legs back over my shoulders. My legs were now stretched and the new position allowed me to be excruciatingly deep inside her. "Bella…" I continue to plea, her eyes so tightly closed she looked in pain, but she was trying to concentrate, her teeth biting down onto her lip. "Please… I need to feel you cum, Bella… I won't stop until you do." I whispered between clenched teeth and her walls did a sudden spasm, my head falling on her shoulders.

"Fuck… I won't cum until you do. I'll pound you for hours if I have to, Bella!" I hit my own fist against the coffee table when I felt another spasm and heard another whimper. "Bella… please…" I gasped, my orgasm was aching in the base of my shaft, and it had become practically impossible to hold it. "Bella… I need it… "

Her body began to shake and her mouth screamed in defeat. I had never heard something so mind-blowing in my life. I cried against her neck with my own release. I knew I'd never been that loud, groaning and panting; I released her wrist and brought my hands under her shoulders, letting her rest her head on my palm. She continued to shake, and her walls contracted for longer than I had ever felt them do. I waited, watching her face as wave after wave of bliss hit her.

Finally she opened her eyes and I stared into the dark pools for as long as I could. I knew it then, that I was smitten and head over heels for Bella Swan. I cursed all the gods because of it. Plans shifted and gears began running faster in my head, compromising future plans and overwriting the laws I had implemented for myself throughout my years. Shit…

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I sighed and placed the letter in the windshield of her truck, then turned for my car.

The realization of all my mistakes came two red lights and one green light later like some sort of epiphany, and I knew then that this letter would never be enough. I had a lot more to explain than just my sudden departure, and my less than gentlemanly behavior. A letter could never say what ran through my head for two years and, worse yet, what had been eating at me for the last three months. A letter could never tell her what a bastard I've become. A letter could not explain that I am doing this for a lot more reasons than just my future aspirations. A letter could never explain to her that no matter where I am, no matter how badly I have ruined this and who I ever decide to become, I am more than sure I would never love anyone, the way I love her.

I am such a fucking coward!

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If you liked the fact it was on a coffee table, thank kyla713. I made her the little gift of picking between that or the dining table, just because I love her like that! (p.s. have you checked "The Office"? you should!)

Do you still hate him? I don't… but I sure as hell want to slap him! I know it doesn't make much sense still, but if you stick around, I promise it will all make sense. All of it! (There are clues in all the chapters.) Sometimes there are things that you just have to do. He's just a stupid boy going about things the wrong way, because that's what boys do.

Couple of questions for you to answer: Don't you just love Carlisle? ( I DO!) How much would you hate me if there are some chapters that will not have smut in them (but yes some fluff and goodness)? Still think it's another woman? How much do you dislike Jacob? *snickers* Any questions that you have for me, just go to the thread (link in my profile) or PM me. 3