Beginning this chapter, I am officially adding lyrics and playlist every time I post. Make sure you listen to the music that I am using so you can get the maximum effect that I want you to experience. Of course, the lyrics are good too... Playlists can be found in my profile.

Quick thanks to three people, EE, SK and Keye-lovely ladies that makes writing MB an enjoyable experience.

Banner by Lindz, btw.

"Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live." Norman Cousins

Chapter 4: Between Living and Dying

JPOV:

I've asked myself the same question over and over, why me?

Life was rough enough to live by itself and being thrown a curve ball in the form of a brain tumor and knowing that you would leave the love of your life soon was much, much tougher to even imagine. It hurts to even think that my days with Bella were numbered. How could I let go so soon?

I kept fighting not just for myself but for Bella too. It's not only my life I was concerned about; it greatly affected hers too, much worse than it probably affected me. I was the one leaving and she would be left behind, all alone, to pick up the broken pieces of her heart. I ached for her every day, every single time I see her face remind me of our happy days together, cut short by the brutal reality that I would soon pass. Our book of love would get its last chapter written far too soon. I didn't want Us to end.

Fighting and knowing deep down that I was losing the battle was a staggering blow to my hopes and dreams. Bella and I dreamt of starting our family and, when the news came it devastated us. We had to put everything in our lives on hold to see if I could conquer the tragedy that had befallen us. One devastating blow after another came when all my test came up still positive for cancer and that it had spread further.

Watching Bella suffer with me every day made me want to fight and win against it, to tell myself that I could overcome cancer. Our love was enough to get us through. I acted brave for the most part, keeping the façade for her sake when all I wanted to do was crawl in one corner and cry my brains out. Cry like a little baby! I could only do this when I was alone, as I had to let Bella believed that I still had a fight in me.

The beeping of the machines inside my hospital room were the only sounds I could hear aside from the slow beating of my heart.

Good days were far in between for the disease ravaged me like wildfire. It claimed most of my strength and dignity. I didn't care when radiation took my hair away. I knew Bella would love me any other way. Our relationship became stronger than ever and I loved her more than any words I could utter.

I was a mere shadow of my former self. I was dependent on Bella for most of my daily needs, as the medication left me weak, tired and sleepy. My Bella never wavered; she stood steadfast by my side through the most trying times of my treatment. I could see the love in her eyes, never changing and her dedication gave me enough strength to keep on enduring the unknown, the cruel truth that was upon us.

I had so many questions I sought answers for but mostly, I asked God why me? What have I done to merit an early departure from all things that I cherished the most? In my darkest hours, I cursed, I cried and screamed for mercy, for a chance to live longer and be with Bella. That was all my heart ever desired.

Every day I fought like a warrior running to the battlefield knowing that he was outnumbered and chances to come out victorious were slim to none. I didn't feel like there were any reasons to keep hoping but I still fought for us. I needed to be around for her. I feared that she would be alone…more alone without me. We were all we had.

Each other.

As days went by and my cancer spread mercilessly, I watched Bella with troubled mind as she dipped into depression, turning to alcohol to drown her sorrows away. I had no other means to stop her for I wished I could drink my fears away too. She tried to keep it from me, masking her tears with a calm expression but I saw beneath them and I suffered in silence.

The cruelty of my disease steamrolled and almost took over my body completely, nearly robbing me of my sight. Painful enough not to be able to touch and make love to Bella because my feeble body couldn't perform as it used to and now, my sight was slowly diminishing. The only happiness I had left was to look at Bella and appreciate her delicate and beautiful face.

I have prepared myself for the inevitable. I memorized every single detail of her face, every expressions that crossed her face at any given situation. I would miss looking into her eyes and watching her lips turn into her beautiful smile when complete blindness finally took everything that was precious to me. Her expressive features that never cease to amaze me would be etched in my memory long after my sight was gone.

The painful reality of my disease and its advancement was staggering. I realized that I would soon be out of existence and everything else would still go on without me. I wanted Bella to move on and still live a full life even without me, but it seems like she was resigned to end hers too.

I was somewhat relieved when she came back one night and told me that she had met a guy, someone who lent an ear when she blurted her life story out. The man owned a club uptown and took good care of Bella when she had more than enough to drink one night.

She visited the club several times when I was too drugged up to keep a decent conversation going, and knowing my Bella, she refused to go home to rest and insisted on staying with me throughout my hospital confinement.

Her friendship with Edward grew and it pleased me that she had someone to talked to, a soul who was kind enough to listen and allowed her to unload her concerns and heartaches. Aside from the fact that he played all of the songs we loved to help her eased her sorrows away.

My initial meeting with Edward didn't go as well as I wanted it to go. I believed that I may have scared the poor man away with my request. Maybe he just wanted to be Bella's friend and not carry the burden of caring for a grieving widow as I asked him to do. I knew in my mind and what little I saw of him that he cared for Bella more than he wanted to show.

I intend to try again today and make sure that Bella had one good friend she could count on when I was dead and buried. Bella needed someone who cared enough for her to see her through the turbulent days that lay ahead.

Glancing at the clock on my hospital bedside table, I still had a few minutes before Edward said he would arrive. I flicked my Ipod on that Bella and I filled with music that we compiled together. All the songs that meant so much to us, music had kept me sane in the most trying of times. Everything started playing and I sang the lyrics which I knew by heart, thinking of my precious Bella.

xxxx If you want to listen to the music with Joe. please open another window and go to my profile under Midnight Blue Chapter Playlist. xxxx

You're a falling star, You're the get away car.
You're the line in the sand when I go too far.
You're the swimming pool, on an August day.
And You're the perfect thing to see.

And you play your card, but it's kinda cute.
Ah, When you smile at me you know exactly what you do.
Baby don't pretend, that you don't know it's true.
Cause you can see it when I look at you.

And in this crazy life, and through these crazy times
It's you, it's you, You make me sing.
You're every line, you're every word, you're everything.

You're a carousel, you're a wishing well,
And you light me up, when you ring my bell.
You're a mystery, you're from outer space,
You're every minute of my every day.

And I can't believe, uh that I'm your man,
And I get to kiss you baby just because I can.
Whatever comes our way, ah we'll see it through,
And you know that's what our love can do.

[Chorus:]
And in this crazy life, and through these crazy times
It's you, it's you, You make me sing
You're every line, you're every word, you're everything.

So, La, La, La, La, La, La, La
So, La, La, La, La, La, La, La

[Chorus:]
And in this crazy life, and through these crazy times
It's you, it's you, You make me sing.
You're every line, you're every word, you're everything.
You're every song, and I sing along.
Cause you're my everything.
yeah, yeah

So, La, La, La, La, La, La, La
So, La, La, La, La, La, La, La

I closed my nearly useless eyes and tried to picture Bella on our wedding day. It was the most perfect day of our lives. The beginning of our journey together. She was perfectly beautiful, the most exquisite being I have ever had the joy of laying eyes on.

A soft knock came from the door that roused me from my joyful reminiscing. I abruptly turned off my Ipod and directed my gaze at a figure by the doorway. "Edward?" I asked as a small smile tugged at the corners of my mouth. He was a remarkable man for agreeing to see me again despite the requisition he knew I would throw at his face again.

"Yes Joe," his voice low was as he walked in to my line of sight, where he knew I could best see him. "How are you this morning?" he asked, his perfect voice lingered in the dullness of the room.

"I've had better days but other than that, I am good." I offered my hand out and he shook it firmly. I took notice of his ice cold hand; maybe he was as nervous as I was. "Have a seat please. Do you mind sitting closer so I can see you better?" I pointed at the chair situated directly in front of my hospital bed.

"Thank you," he murmured as he seated himself lithely on the chair. I could see that he braced himself for what was to come. I was certain that he had an idea of what I wanted from him. I would die trying; if that was the last thing I had to do.

"Edward, I am sure that you have an idea of what I want to talk to you about. I don't want to push the issue on you…but I just don't have much time to seek help from other people. It seemed to me that Bella could talk to you easily and that's all I am asking for, that you be there for her when she needs someone to listen. I won't ask for anything that you are not ready to give." I sighed heavily; the weight of the minimum dosage of morphine I asked for this morning gave very little relief for the pain which is what I wanted. I could not risk falling asleep during Edward's visit. The pain in my head was throbbing relentlessly and I tried my best to avoid flinching in pain. I didn't want Edward to think that I was using every trick in the book to get him to agree to my request. "I hope it wasn't too much to ask."

Edward rested his elbows on his thighs as he buried his face in his hands. He seemed as conflicted and worried as I was. There was also a hint of hesitation that hung thickly in the air. "Before you answer me, I have another question I wanted to ask you…..if it's okay with you." I asked before I lost my nerve.

He nodded his head slowly as he raised his head to look me directly in the eyes. His golden pair bore into mine as if he was reading my mind. He sighed deeply and continued looking at me.

"How do you feel about Bella? Is she just a friend to you or do you have feelings for her more than that of friendship? I hope you don't think I'm jealous or something and you don't have to answer it if you choose not to, I just have a gut feeling that your feelings are more than friendship….."

Edward pulled back his shoulders, while his eyes were assessing me with unconcealed doubt. He took his time answering as he raked his hands through his hair several times as if gathering enough strength from the act itself. I could tell with his hesitation that he had feelings for her or he would have answered right away. It seemed like he was weighing his answer carefully.

It was a good minute before he finally spoke. "Yes, I think I fell in love with your wife, Joe." He replied carefully, his voice broke a little bit as if he was embarrassed at his revelation. "And yes, I am deeply ashamed to admit that I feel that way for Bella. I know I shouldn't, it was not fair at all, to any of us, especially to you."

I smiled at his forthrightness. His honesty was a breath of fresh air. This man was indeed decent and I made the right call to ask for his help instead of any other. "No man, you don't have to feel guilty about feeling that way. Bella is a remarkable woman. Any man would be blind to not know a gem when they see one." My lips quirked at the word blind.

"Thank you for understanding but you have my word that I won't dare act on my feelings at all. I just can't help who I fall in love with." He added with sincerity that was admirable in this day and age. "But that's not what I am here for. I have something to offer you. Something that may just be the answer to all your troubles at the moment."

What could he possibly offer me at this time that would wipe my troubles and worries away? My death was nearing and I had but a few weeks or maybe a month to go, how can he remedy my situation?

"Go on, please go on." I still wanted to hear what he had to say.

"I am not what you think I am…"

Edward hesitated when he saw my body stiffen at his statement but I kept my mouth shut and waited for him to continue.

"I can offer you immortality and an everlasting chance to be with Bella. You don't have to die! Bella need not suffer and you can continue your lives together." He sounded almost breathless when he finished.

I couldn't believe my ears. What was he talking about? Immortality? An everlasting life with Bella? The prospect was tempting and I found my heart did a flip at the thought of living longer and being with Bella.

"What exactly do you mean by immortality Edward?"

A/N: Not really a cliffie right? I just can't write a very long chapter right now, I think it was okay where I stopped. We saw how Edward admitted to Joe his love for Bella. What are you guys thinking? Give me your thoughts on this chapter. How was it?