Pillanthropy
Chapter Four
"Starsky open the door."
"No damn way ….you are NOT seeing this sight! Freakin' gym outfit! Who would wear this piece of shit? Even if my dick wasn't the size of a bowling pin I'd still look indecent in these things."
"Starsky open up – I've got my gym shorts for you."
The door opened a crack and wild blue eyes blazed in the bright fluorescent light of the men's change cubicle.
"Whatda' mean you have ya' gym shorts? You had no gym bag with ya' when we got here."
"That's what your car trunk is for remember? To store all my shit. Look hurry up – Dobey's out there having a mental attack waiting to get this show up and running. I've got them ok? Now here – put them on. At least they will cover a bit more than those skin tight gym pants."
"You aren't kiddin'. Hutch I look like one of them ballerina guys – but with a package to show, not those small peanuts they usually have down there."
"Starsky male ballet dancers are not ballerinas. Now hurry up will you."
"Hutch if you knew how hard it was to get these things on in the first place…."
"Must be easier getting them off surely. Just pull the damn things."
"Ok, Ok…..ahhhhh….shit….come on you bastards….finally!"
"Got them off? Good now hurry up and put these on and lets get out there."
"Right – ready. Oh man I can breathe again…these shorts are so much better. Oh the relief….letting it all hang out. Hey I kinda like these t-shirts – Bay City PD. Pretty cool. Yeah pretty cool."
"Starsky stop admiring yourself in the freaking mirror and come on! You can look at yourself all you want later on at home."
"Hey if you want me to be the scrapegoat for this gig with the ladies out there then you'd better shut up with the smart talk Hutch."
"Scapegoat – and you're not. You're just the nominated officer to run through the defense moves."
"Nominated by you you mean? Well hope they're ready for me coz I sure know how to move a lady."
He stepped out of the cubicle.
Hutch exploded into laughter.
"What? What? You can't see it so much now can ya'?"
"No - no. Much better Starsky. Much better."
It wasn't.
How could Starsky possibly think it was?
But then he supposed Starsky was comparing the view to the one he had of his crotch caught in the headlights with the Lycra number he had just removed.
"Ya sure Hutch?"
"Yes sure. You look nothing like a ballerina with a big bulge now."
You just look like Starsky with a massive erection which you are trying to disguise in a pair of loose cut offs.
But he didn't point that out to his partner. He had an agenda here.
There was no way he wanted to be out there in front of all of those women demonstrating male virility and being leered at by some fairy in lycra.
There were just some things in life that Starsky was better at doing, at handling , then he was – and public displays of physicality was one of them. Starsky didn't have a klutzy clumsy move in him.
Yes, Starsky would handle it better – hard on and all.
oooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooO OOoooOOOooo
"Oh Dave ….no special gym pants? I had them specifically ordered in for the Department officers to wear at these classes."
Hutch could not miss the close ups the new Captain Stephens was giving Starsky's lower half. He had locked eyes on him as soon as he had re-entered the room and his focus had not shifted from below Starsky's waist since then.
"Ah No Cap'n ah – Mark. They just didn't seem to be my size. Hutch here luckily had some gym gear with him….so…"
"Not your size? But Dave, they are designed to stretch and fit with the body. From where I'm standing I would've have thought the training pants would have molded very nicely to your body."
Hutch looked down, biting so hard on his inner mouth to stop the laugh erupting that he tasted blood. He caught Dobey looking hard at a piece of paper with the same painful expression on his face.
Starsky was glaring at Hutch.
Stephens kept focused on Starsky's crotch.
Hutch and Dobey exchanged knowing looks.
"Ok Starsky – head on over there to where that mat is. Mark you know what the instructor wants you to demonstrate. She is going to do the talking – all you need to do Starsky is show your stuff and take the falls. Mark is going to be the aggressor is that right Mark?"
"Oh definitely Harold. I've got all the moves worked out. In the first round I will play the role of the attacker - Dave you just need to go with me and fall as safely as you can. In the next round you can dominate me and I will have the defensive response actions ready to show ladies. So first up I dominate – then your turn. "
Hutch thought he would not last another moment without losing it. At least the inside of his mouth would not last.
Starsky threw one more baleful look at his partner, shuffled the cut offs around, winced and sauntered with difficulty over to the floor mats. He waved congenially to the female audience and did his best Starsky lopsided grin and little boy head tuck. His dark blue eyes and cheeky grin always hooked the women in. True to form the front row of women were captivated as women often were by Starsky.
But this time Hutch thought it had little to do with the dark blue eyes and cheeky grin and a lot more to do with where their eyes were all looking now.
Stephens leaned down to his bag to pick up his own sheet of paper with the run through of moves. As he went to follow his mat partner he suddenly turned to Hutch and leaned in with a conspiratorial hushed tone. Hutch jerked his head back quickly before realizing he was only going to ask him a question…
"Ummm Ken…tell me, is Dave married? In a steady relationship?"
"Starsky? Nooooooooo…he's more of a …modern thinking man….you know free spirit …..free love….a seventies man. Whereas me – well – yep – the conservative type I guess. Been there, done that – the married bit you know. But Starsky – no. "
"Well that's interesting to know. Oh and Ken – perhaps don't mention to him that I asked. I just like to know these things about my men. It's important to know these things."
I bet it is. I bet there are a hell of a lot of things you like to know about your men.
Hutch was re-calculating just how many beers he would owe Starsky tonight once Stephens was finished with him on the mat.
Stephens walked off and now with Starsky's back to him as he greeted the instructor, Stephens had no option but to change his focus from Starsky's crotch to his ass.
"How are we ever going to survive a month with this guy? Particularly Starsky?"
"You say something Hutchinson?"
"Ahhh…just wondering how Starsk was going to survive this little show. Not that he normally gets stage fright…but"
"Hmmmphhh…. Thought you said that you didn't have your gym gear with you today?"
"Yeah – ah – Well Starsky reminded me that it was in the trunk of his car. Forgot that."
"Yeah, I'm sure you did. Just as well you had those shorts though."
Hutch looked up quickly.
What did Dobey mean by that?
"Can't imagine what Starsky would have looked like in that ridiculous get up Stephens had got on…"
The big captain was grinning slyly now and Hutch tried to fathom his humor.
"They were certainly tight.."
"Tight? Tight? With the gun that your partner is toting today, I would say they would have been downright indecent! "
And then in his false serious tone he slapped Hutch hard on the back.
"You should see that he gets out a bit more Hutchinson – it looks like he could use some …err. Activity….no wonder you said he had a headache today."
Hutch could only stand with his mouth half open and Dobey changed his facial expression entirely – his gruff, semi bored, Captain's persona back in place.
"Now where are those people from the newspaper? If we don't get some shots of this little act the Commissioner will be wanting the money back for all of this promotional hype."
oooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooO OOooo
By the time the demonstration, and the choreographed shots were taken and Stephens had painstakingly talked his way through each of his defensive ploys, Hutch was actually starting to feel sorry for his partner.
In fact by the look of him and the sound of him (as he hit the mat over and over, sometimes landing precariously close to his troublesome crotch) Hutch thought he might be coming close to disgracing himself - and doing so in his favorite gym shorts.
Every time he caught his eye the warning was clear…
Get me the fuck away from this man NOW.
This was getting serious – Hutch was worried whether he would in fact be buying every drink round for the next month if he didn't do something and fast.
"Ah Cap'n Dobey – I think that maybe Starsk has had enough…"
"What the hell do you mean? He's a fit young cop – this is nothing to him. What's a bit of a wrestle and a roll? You guys do this sort of thing every other day out on the streets. I've seen you fight rougher in the damn squad room when you've got nothing better to do."
"Well you see…."
"See what Hutchinson?"
"His head – Starsky's headache is back."
"And how do you know that? Oh don't tell me – partner telepathy?"
"Exactly – "
"Well I didn't come down in the last shower despite what you two like to think. I know the real problem here."
"You do?"
His voice sounded almost as squeaky as Starsky's often did when he was incredulous with surprise.
Dobey took on the air of wisdom.
"Yes and I have to say Hutchinson I would never have thought that you would be like that."
"Like what?"
His voice was rising even more…what the hell?
"You're jealous of your partner's….let's call it …..Stature…ah, his prowess in certain areas. That's why you made him put those loose shorts on and now its clear that the women are still very taken with him – well –"
"Oh My God Captain! It's nothing like that. Seriously…. I …look…I should explain but it's a…."
Dobey was almost bending over in mirth now, his hand hard on his copious belly and his whole body shaking with contained laughter.
"Captain?"
The big man straightened up now but he was pulling his handkerchief out and wiping at his watering eyes.
"Hutchinson. No need to worry – see they've finished. Starsky's a free man. Now get him out of here and make sure he takes care of whatever is ailing him today. Never seen anything like it. "
A watery tear escaped out of his crunched up face and he laughed again.
"Thought that Stephens was going to eat him up at one point –if he didn't kill him first by sitting on his …on his…."
He was too far gone now, spluttering so hard at his own joke that some of the women looked over at the commotion. Realizing that people were starting to look he headed for the curtained area - away from the crowd and a dumbstruck Hutch.
oooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooO OOooo
Hutch was waiting for him again outside of the John. Some of the crowd of women had begun to leave and Dobey and Stephens were still in the auditorium doing an impromptu interview with the local paper. Even from here Hutch could see the traces of humor still on the big Captain's face.
He knew he was in for it when Starsky came out – if he ever came out.
When the demonstration ended Starsky had bowed and waved quickly to the cheering applauding women. Stephens tried to throw his arm around his shoulders in what could have passed as a pact of police brotherhood. More likely though Hutch thought , Stephens tried to just get a grope of Starsky before the opportunity vanished. Starsky moved so quickly that Stephen's arm slipped down and in a strange ironic twist his arm ended up around Starsky's waist instead.
It was around that time that Hutch started backing back to the doorway.
Perhaps he should wait in the car?
The look of thunderous rage on Starsky's face as he hobbled toward him told him differently.
"Wait here! Don't move. I'll be a while."
So he settled up against the wall as he was told to and ran through some scenarios of how to solve the problem of the recalcitrant erection. Maybe Starsky would be in a better move if he had a plan for "recovery" at his finger tips...
He groaned at his own pitiful pun. It hadn't even been intentional.
Where were all of these puns coming from today? Starsky had started it with his damn stupid "Pillantrophy".
"YoooHooo!"
Who? Who the hell was this woman?
One of the group had detached herself from the crowd and had dragged a few friends in tow with her out to the foyer. She was waving madly at Hutch now and seemed to recognize him.
For some reason he thought she did have a vague familiarity. But where? Who?
"Detective Hutchinson isn't it? Oh I thought it was you standing over there on the other side of the room. I said to my friends – I know that guy. Hey, shame you weren't in the demonstration just now. Is the other man your partner – Dave? Detective Starsky? I've never met him but have heard Mike talk about both of you…and of course I've met you a couple of times now at those drinks nights for the Precinct…."
You have?
"You have. That's right yes. Mike – Mike's wife…"
Of course! That's it. Mike the Pillantropist's wife.
"Gloria. It's Gloria. Now where is the cute partner of yours, our hero of the day?"
"Starsky? Oh he'll be along soon enough. He just has his hands full at the moment ...with something hard he's been working on..."
Sometimes thought Hutch - fortune and opportunity just walked right up to you , smiled and said Hello.