Thank you so much for your opinion on this… it means so much to me, you'll never guess. Besides writing what I love about this story is being in contact with all of you, sharing your opinion with me. I truly appreciate it.
Aaand: Oh my god… I've heard a song that TOTALLY reminded me of this storyline and I just had to share it with you. You SHOULD absolutely listen to it, because it will also be a part of this Chapter ;)
It's called "Ho hey" by The Lumineers. You need to check it out on youtube!
I also want to apologize for my grammatical mistakes. I'm not a native speaker and I try my best to keep them out and to make reading this enjoyable for you, but unfortunately I'm not the grammatical bummer, you know? I hope you'll forgive me and maybe I'll find a beta soon.
Hope you all are doing all right! I'll do my best to update as soon as possible, but the next play at the theatre where I work starts and that'll mean working long hours, but I will not forget about you and I'll also try to update as often as I can ;)
-Sun
Chapter 3 – Coping mechanism
I've been trying to do it right I've been sleeping in my bed
I've been living a lonely life
I've been sleeping here instead
I've been sleeping in my bed,
I have never been good at coping with my emotions.
When someone treated my brothers badly, whenever someone bullied or angered, insulted them and whenever someone tried to pick a fight I've been there fighting back.
Maybe I should have let them be and tell my brothers afterwards that they shouldn't listen to their crap. I didn't exactly do that… but I still showed them to fight for your own rights. Proverbial.
I had been in so many boy fights, visited the office of the principal, spent hours at detention and hours at home listening to my mom screaming at me for coming home with another blue eye, scraps and bruises, but I couldn't let them treat my baby brothers this way.
I always picked a fight to battle for and to protect my own rights; and sometimes it was hard to control my anger.
But the older I grew the more I tried to deflect my true feelings, by wearing a mask, lying to everyone else about what was going on in my mind.
I deflected what makes me human, always a sarcastic comment on my lips. I gulped it down and bottled it up until it ate me alive… I bottled it up until it surged itself out through salty tears, bursting out, almost unbearable, and unstoppable.
I've never been good at coping with my emotions and it never got any better.
So I am sitting here at the dirty robber, memories haunting me, the third night in a row in which I could not sleep, drowning one drink after the other. It helped… the burning sensation in my throat almost distracting me from my hurting heart… and after a good amount of alcohol I could forget everything that happened for at least a few hours.
For the first time I really did not care about my health and there was no one anymore who told me what I was doing to myself. Thinking about how Maura always complained about how unhealthy I was living, counting down all the possible things that could happen one day, I choked down a bitter laugh. Again it hit me hard… No one was here with me anymore… Maura left me on her own accords and the rest couldn't bear and support my new self… and honestly I could not bear their "Everything's getting better" speeches.
After the night I opened my heart for her and let her take a good look inside, after the night we kissed, after the night she let me see what heaven felt like… after the night that broke my heart again she tried to talk to me, over and over again… but I couldn't… I couldn't go down to the morgue, I couldn't come near her without the need to touch her and I couldn't look into her eyes without the deep want to tell her that I love her… I couldn't let her hurt me again, so the only logical thing was to avoid her…
Nevertheless she kept being on my mind…
"Is this seat taken?" A soft womanly voice asked, and for the first time in hours and 3 Jackie cola, I looked up into the eyes of a stranger.
She smiled at me, openly, sweetly, almost daring.
I shook my head. "Nope."
Her smile grew, getting brighter and it was as if Maura stood before me… looking so confident as if she already won the fight… But Maura, in contrast to this woman, didn't need to fight… she had me wrapped around her finger… she had me… all of me.
"What are you doing here? Are you waiting for someone?" She asked after she sat down, looking at me as if she was looking for something.
I took another sip.
"Nope. All alone."
I froze for a second when I suddenly felt her hand touching my arm.
"You're lookin' for company?" Well at least she came straight to the point. No awkward small talk needed, when both knew they weren't interested in talking at all.
I looked up into her dark brown eyes.
I've never been the girl for a one night stands. Less and less since I fell in love with Maura… but this night… Maura wasn't here, she might never be again. And brown eyed girl was good looking and I… I needed distraction. A lot distraction.
"I'm not looking for love." I said, giving a stranger something I wish Maura'd have done… I was telling her what awaited her in the end, without giving her hope and destroying it in the end. Maybe then I could still look in Maura's eyes…
"I just want to forget."
She smiled at me, almost poised. "That's what I thought when I saw you sitting here at the bar, by yourself, drowning one drink after the other." And then she looked at me mischievously, and suddenly I could feel her breath on my face, her mouth near my ear, her breath smelling of alcohol. "I thought I could help you to forget. You know, helping my karma, service for those who need it."
I felt that for the first time in ages I could laugh. I laughed at her, doing something my heart never believed I could do, taking someone with me who was not Maura. But I could not care less. Hadn't she done the same? I knew we hadn't been together, but it felt like betrayal… so I could betray my own heart, too.
"My apartment is near…"
I did not believe that I could feel something else than pain the last days. Everything hurt and nothing in my life felt the way it should, because everything was Maura.
But here in the night hours with a complete stranger I wasn't the Jane who suffered, I became a new one. One that did not care. Maybe it was the wrong way to cope, but I couldn't care less.
The more I pushed and the more I let myself go, the better the sensation became.
And the more I could feel with her pressed under me, the less I felt.
It was a distraction I needed so badly.
But after a few hours it ended again and I could do nothing more than lie there beside this stranger whose name I couldn't even remember.
"You want to talk about what's bothering you?"
I did not look at her.
"I thought we agreed to no talking. I am not searching for love and I am certainly not searching for a therapist."
She laughed. "Wow. After such a night I can't believe you are in such a bad mood… Well I just thought you might wanna talk."
"I don't." I answered bitterly.
Months ago Maura would have told me how healthy sexual intercourse was and that I should try it. I would have laughed about it, right after telling her that I did not want to talk about things like that with her and that my stress level and my neck pain won't be solved by a good lay. Months ago I was able to laugh about it and let it go. Now everything about this just felt wrong. Everything about this felt so… wrong..
"Well thanks for the welcoming distraction, but you have to go. I need to get to work."
And with that I got out of bed, taking my clothes on and letting her and last night behind.
"Come on, Frost! Please, just one more time."
"No! I won't be the middle man in this anymore."
"Please; Frost. Come on, I'm begging here!"
Couldn't he hear the desperation in my voice? After everything that happened I did not want to see her. Not today, after the last night- not now.
"No. I won't! You usually do it and I don't care what happened between you too, so you always send me down there the last days. You need to sort things out and you'll do it now. I've got things to do, just like Korsak."
And with that he disappeared behind his computer, leaving me no space to complain and try again.
Great… the day couldn't get any better.
I stood in the door to her office, looking at her, my eyes roaming over her body, sweeping over every single detail from her full rose lips to her hazel eyes and to the frown grazing her forehead. It's the first time I let my eyes linger in days and that's just one of the reasons I did not want to go down here.
I did not know which emotion dominated: the need to be near her, to touch her and never let her go or the anger, the rage that cursed through my body when I looked at her, knowing what she did to my heart.
"Jane…" She said, but her voice almost sounded like a hopeful whisper.
I had to be strong… I had to stand still and not let her get to me.
"I'm here for the lab results."
I couldn't let her get to me. I was doing my job here, nothing more.
"They are not finished yet…"
"Okay, I'll stop by later…"
"…but they should be any minute."
"Then I'll stop by later.."
"Please…" She literally grabbed for me, trying to find a reason to make me stay. But why? Why did she do it? Wasn't she the one who turned her back on me? Wasn't she the one who left me behind? "Stay… it won't take long."
And I did stay, but only because I couldn't reveal the scared and insecure bird I was. I'm strong and confident Detective Rizzoli, no love sick teenage girl. Yeah, as if…
"You look bad, Jane…" She said and as I looked into her eyes I don't now what I saw… Concern? Partly anger? Frustration? Worry?
"Thanks, you look good yourself." I rolled with my eyes, crossing my arms, like I wanted to protect my heart.
"No, Jane… We all worry about you… You took a look into a mirror the last days?"
Actually I didn't, because I did not like what I see… I hated my new shell like self, but I couldn't do anything against it…
"I am doing fine." I lied straight into her face, but did I really expect her to believe it?
"Oh and by that you must mean drinking yourself into a coma every night in the week?"
"How…?"
"We are working with cops and officers every day. You shouldn't go into a cop bar if you don't want to be seen."
"You know I always enjoyed a good drink after work, you can't accuse me of that."
"Maybe not, but does 'feeling fine' implies smelling of alcohol or does that means sleeping around with woman you hardly know? That's not you, Jane." I don't know if I actually heard jealousy mingling in her words or if I just wanted to hear it… But either way it enraged me.
I don't think you're right for him I belong with you, you belong with me
think of what it might have been if you
took a bus to Chinatown
I'd be standing on canal
and bowery
and she'd be standing next to me
you're my sweetheart
I belong with you, you belong with me
you're my sweetheart
"You shouldn't throw with a stone, sitting in a glass house yourself, miss -I'm taking home every gal that has a beautiful gluteus maximus or well developed bone structure."
And the ball hit home. My heart raced and blood pumped through my veins. I could feel it almost painfully. The moment I said it I knew I shouldn't have, no matter how much she hurt me. She wasn't just the woman I loved, but also my best friend… at least she once was.
But I just couldn't bring myself to stop.
Her eyes watered the moment I said it and all I wanted to do was saying sorry and sneaking her into my arms, but once you get beside a special point it is hard to go back…
"Why are you doing this, Jane?" She hushed, her voice almost betrayed her.
"Because you hurt me! Every single day you wake up beside him when we both know it should be me!" And the truth sneaked out.
"I… I never meant to hurt you, Jane. I never did. You have to believe me…"
My eyes soften and I look into her tears streaking eyes.
"I know… but it still happened." I reply, turning around to get into my safe harbour again. I wasn't safe being near her when it was still hurting so much.
And love, we need it now
Let's hope for some
Cause oh, we're bleeding out
"Jane… please… hear me out."
"Why? Why should I? I don't wanna hear it, Maura… You had time and the chance to answer me, when I was standing in the cold before you, opening myself up to you!"
When I was still at school my worse dream was standing in front of the class completely stripped giving a presentation. Back then I thought the most sacred thing you could give to another person was letting them see you naked, making love.
But now I know it is easy to take off your clothes and have sex. People do it all the time, for ages now.
The really hard part is to open your heart and soul to another person, letting them into your thoughts, your fears, your future, your hopes, your dreams, your feelings… that is being naked and bare.
"Will we ever be able to go back to normal, Jane?"
"I don't know. Maybe." Could I ever go back to normal when I didn't want normal, but her love?
And then I turned around, forgetting the reason why I actually came.
…..
Can't deny you anything so here I am again… tbc, of course ;)
And XimeBeach… are you reading my mind? It's freaking me out a little bit *laughing*
Hope you all still enjoyed it. I feel like we need to see both of them fighting and being hurt and insecure. After something like that you can't just go on from being deeply hurt to forgiving and loving each other. But to be able to start the journey of forgiveness and love Jane just needs to listen to Maura once, but she is too stubborn to see past her own hurt right now. We'll see what happens next chapters and I'm looking forward to taking that journey with you…
But first tell me… you want some real drama?