~Beware the Physical Exams!~

Today we're having club outside. It's really fun. The cherry blossoms are still bloomed and their fragrance puts my mind at ease.

I'm hosting with Hunny and Mori at the moment. Hunny's mixing some tea but he's overdoing it... It's splashing everywhere...

I turn to Haruhi and whisper, "Hey, uh, should we tell him?"

"Yeah, that's probably best." we go to tell him but Mori beats us to it.

"Mitsukuni, you overdid it."

Hunny gasps softly.

Oh no... This isn't good...

Just then one of the guests snatches up the tea. "I'll take it, Hunny! It looks so yummy!"

"It's just the right amount for both of us. Any more would be too much. How did you know? You never cease to amaze me!" says the other guest.

"Really?" Hunny asks, cutely excited.

Haruhi sighs and I gently tilt my head backwards.

"Haruhi, Satoshi, how're you doing? Are you having a good time?" Tamaki asks.

"When did you get there?" I ask.

"The flower viewing reception is going over quite well." he says, my question ignored. "But even so it's rather daunting to spend more time being admired than doing the admiring."

"Wow, senpai, you're blooming in more ways than one." Haruhi mutters.

"You noticed! Yes, today my beauty is quite splendorous. I'm in full bloom! I bet you'll fall for me soon." He says all sparkly and stuff.

"In what dimension?" I mumble. Haruhi elbows me in the side.

"So, Haruhi, Satoshi, have you decided your elective courses for this term?" the twins ask, stealing us from Tamaki.

"How 'bout conversational French?" Kaoru asks.

"I don't know." Haruhi says.

"I think we should all take it together. It makes sense." Hikaru says deviously.

"We are in the same class." the twins say, devilish smirks planted on their faces.

"I already speak French. What's the point in takin' it?" I mumble.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, Tamaki rushes up to Haruhi and I. "Listen! I want you two to stop hanging out with those shady twins!"

"Who you calling shady?!" Hikaru shouts.

"Yeah! Take a good look at yourself, boss!" Kaoru shouts.

Before it starts to get on my nerves I decide to slip on my headphones so I can't hear anything. When I take them off, I hear the twins.

"You don't have to rush things. They're going to be found out soon enough." Hikaru says.

"Physical exams are the day after tomorrow." Kaoru says.

"Physical... Exams?" Me and Haruhi ask.

"That's right. I completely forgot." Kyoya says.

"That means... No doubt..." I start.

"They're going to know, we're really girls." Haruhi finishes.

There Tamaki sits. In a red chair. Daydreaming.

"He must be having a great daydream." Hunny says.

"He's kind of creeping me out." Hikaru mutters.

"Envious Hikaru?" Tamaki asks.

"Why would he be?" I ask.

Yet again, my comment gets ignored.

"This is all part of my strategy. While you've wasted time blinded by your jealousy, I've foreseen the outcome of this charade. Ah... This anime's obviously a romantic school comedy. Haruhi and I are the main characters, so that means we're love interests."

"Yeah, so what does that make us?" Hikaru asks annoyed.

"You boys are the homosexual supporting cast." Tamaki says drawing an imaginary line on the floor. "So, please make sure that you don't step across this line."

"You've got to be kidding..." the twins sigh.

"Uh... Tamaki. Hate to break this to you... Sort of..." I say casually walking over the line, "But me and Haruhi being twins makes us the main characters. So, get behind the line." I point to the line a lazy smirk casually strewn on my face.

To the emo corner he goes...

"We don't think you get it, boss." the twins sigh.

"If word gets out that Haru-chan and Sato-chan are girls, they can't be in the host club anymore!" Hunny points out. "But, I bet if they wore girl's clothes, they'd be even cuter than they are now!" He giggled.

"They used to dress like girls in middle school, right?" Hikaru wonders aloud.

"Against my will, I had to wear a skirt... Not fun..." I mumble.

"You two must have been pretty popular with the boys." Kaoru says.

"According to my research, a boy would declare their undying love to them at least once a month." Kyoya points out.

"Research?" I ask, nervously. "Anyways... Yeah. Boys used to be really annoying..."

"So, what you're saying is-" starts Hikaru.

"Boss wouldn't be able to even get near Haruhi and Satoshi." Kaoru finishes.

"But we could. Since we're in class with them all day long." The twins smirk.

"No way..." Tamaki says teary and upset.

I hear the door open and see none other than Haruhi walking in.

"Hey guys, sorry I'm late I-" She gets cut off by Tamaki grabbing her by the shoulders.

"Don't worry Haruhi, Satoshi!" He says, "We're determined to hide your secrets. Nobody will find out you two are girls during tomorrow's exams. Just promise that you'll stay our beloved secret princesses!"

"Oh great..." I mumble.

"Sure." Haruhi says confused.

"You know what?" Hikaru says to Kaoru, "I think both of us would be a little peeved if we had to watch all of the guys flirt with them."

"Then that settles it." Kaoru states.

The boys then pull out a giant white board that says, "Operation: Conceal the Fujioka's Gender. A. K. A Operation: I Swear They're Boys!"

"Where'd the white board come from?" I wonder aloud.

"I don't know. Why are they so worried about this?" Haruhi asks.

We think for a moment.

"Oh! I got it!" we say, causing the boys to turn towards us.

"You guys are worried that since they're gonna know we're girls-" I start.

"We can't be hosts. Therefore we can't pay off our debts!" Haruhi finishes.

"Okay. So we've paid off about 6,000,000 leaving us both with 5,000,000 each, right?" I look to Haruhi.

"Right, so that's 10,000,000 yen. Hmm…" She says.

"Guess we'll have to come up with another way to pay you back." We state.

The twins turn to Tamaki. "Do something! The subjects don't appear to have any motivation!"

"Why'd we get stuck with such difficult heroines?" Tamaki asks. Then he turns to us. "Are you saying that you hate being hosts?! That you hate this club?!"

"To be honest, I'd have to say yes." Haruhi bluntly states.

"Completely." I nod.

Tamaki goes off to the emo corner.

"I mean, you guys aren't bad but if it gets out we're girls there's nothing we can do, right?" Haruhi points out.

"Seriously. It's not our fault that biology doesn't let us be guys!" I laugh.

"They don't seem to care either way." Hikaru says.

"Well, before we do anything else, we have to find a way to motivate them." says Kaoru.

"Fancy tuna." Mori remembers.

A spark goes through all of us.

"Oh, that's right! You didn't get to eat any during last episode's party… Did you?" Tamaki says with a blank stare angled toward us.

"Did you hear that? They've never eaten fancy tuna before. Isn't that awful?" Hikaru "whispers" to Kaoru.

"Wow, talk about a difficult childhood." Kaoru replies.

"If only Haru-chan and Sato-chan could stay in the host club, they could eat as many yummy foods as they want." Hunny says.

"What are you talking about?" Haruhi says nervously, "Just because we're poor and haven't had the stuff doesn't mean we're so much of gluttons that we'd go on fooling people about our gender just to try some fancy tuna."

Cue awkward laughing and pause.

"Are we really gonna get to try it?" I ask.

Victory for the host club…

Great… Today is the day for physical exams… I hope I don't screw this up.

A voice in the PA systems tells us to go to the clinics in our respective school buildings.

"So, what's the deal with this 'formation A' thing you guys were talking about?" Haruhi asks.

"What do they do here at Ouran for physical exams?" I ask.

"It's no different from a physical exam you'd get at any other school." Hikaru states.

"Yeah, why would a physical exam be any different for us just because we're rich?" Kaoru asks.

"Should I answer that?" I ask.

Haruhi elbows me in the side, "You're right. I guess I didn't think about that."

She opens the door and…

"What the hell is this…?" I mumble.

There are nurses and doctors lined up all fancy like and they all seem a bit too welcoming.

"Just another physical exam." Hikaru says, bored.

"The usual." Kaoru states, equally bored.

"The usual?" Haruhi asks.

"I'd hate to see their 'fancy'…" I mutter.

The twins get taken for their height measurements. Instantly clueless I completely space out until Haruhi grabs my wrist and starts pulling me, following a nurse.

We pass by Hunny and Mori and… They are dressed as doctors. Lovely.

"They stick out so bad." I say to Haruhi.

"I got those two for back-up just in case something happens." Kyoya tells us. When did he get there?

"But, why are they in doctor disguises?" Haruhi asks.

"They're just helping to set the mood." Kyoya pushes up his glasses, "Disguises make our operation feel like a real espionage mission."

"Isn't that great…" I mumble.

"Don't you think it's weird that these doctors are all so jovial and nice?" Haruhi asks.

"They're chosen by the school's chairman." Kyoya states, "This may be a school but it's also a business. Therefore he wants to keep the students happy. After all, most of the students come from prominent families with their own private doctors at home. So this is just a formality."

These damn rich people… I can almost hear Haruhi thinking. Not that my thoughts aren't the same.

A slightly strange doctor passes by and accidentally bumps into Kyoya.

"I'm terribly sorry." He says.

"No problem." Kyoya says. "Huh."

"Hitachiin brothers. Would you please come with me? We're ready to do your chest measurements. You can use the area behind this curtain to undress." a nurse says politely.

"Doesn't matter to me." Hikaru says, stripping off his shirt.

"We're not shy. Who needs a curtain?" Kaoru says, mimicking his brother's actions.

First thought in my head: Holy… Two hot guys stripping in front of fangirls… This could get bad.

"See Haruhi, Satoshi? A rather impressive turn out today." Kyoya smiles. "Physical exam day is quite popular with the ladies."

"No doubt…" I mumble.

We look back at the twins.

"I won't allow it. It's just not fair. I won't let those doctors touch you, Kaoru." Hikaru says.

"What are you talking about? You don't seem to have a problem touching me when we play doctor at home." Kaoru says, "I can't get you to stop tickling me and toying with my body."

Whilst everyone is distracted Hunny and Mori shove us behind a curtain.

"Come on, this way." Hunny says.

I land safely on my ass. Haruhi however gets trapped in someone's arms. Tamaki. Shocker? I think not.

"I've been waiting for you, my princess." he tells Haruhi.

"Tamaki-senpai." Haruhi mumbles as she steps away from him and sits on the floor next to me.

"You're so cute when you're surprised!" Tamaki gives a little laugh.

"Haha…" I laugh nervously, "Ya creep…"

Instead of paying attention to his creepiness over Haruhi, I dig through my pockets.

"Oh, iPod… You shall save me once more…" I mumble, hitting play.

About two minutes later: Haruhi's pissed, Tamaki's got a brown wig on, the twins are laughing, and I'm being dragged off to the special boys' clinic, highly confused.

"Wait, Haru-chan! Why were the twins laughing?" I ask.

"Idiocy. Pure Idiocy." she mumbles.

I'm still confused and I really think that if I find out, I'll only be more confused. Oh well.

We get to the Special Boys' Clinic and are told to disrobe behind a pink curtain.

When we start undressing, I get the strangest feeling that something interesting will happen. That's when the unknown, and slightly frightening, doctor comes in.

"Excuse me…" Haruhi mumbles nervously.

The doctor guy rushes over, putting his hand over her mouth. "No! Please! It's not what you think!"

"Haruhi!" a male voice shouts, "Tama-chan KICK!" Tamaki kicks the weird doctor into the wall.

"One," the twins appear behind me, "Good looks that attract the public eye."

"Two, more wealth than you can imagine." Kyoya shows through the shadows.

"Three, chivalry that will never be able to overlook-" Mori starts.

"The hideous wickedness of this world." Hunny finishes.

"That's what makes up the Ouran Host Club!" Tamaki shouts.

Before I can realize, the entire club is standing behind Haruhi and I.

"We're here. Watch out!" they all say in unison.

The doctor guy is freaking out, "D-don't hurt me! Spare me my life!" he bows.

"Uh… 'Kay?" I mumble.

I feel a hand and some cloth on my shoulder. When I look up, I see Hikaru grabbed my shirt and made sure I wasn't just in the black tank top I always wear. Huh… Protecting a friend, I guess.

Then suddenly, it's the doctor's life story. YAY. He runs a small clinic, always accepts I.O.U.s, wife and daughter left. What is this? A shojo anime?

"Doctor Yabu, I think you may have the wrong place." Kyoya states.

"Does your daughter go to OuranPublicHigh School?" I can't help but ask.

"Yeah, that's right." he says.

"Oops. Wrong school, dude." I tell him.

"This is OuranAcademy. A private institution. Your daughter doesn't go here." Kyoya explains.

"Man. That's pretty sad. You don't even know what school your daughter goes to?" Hikaru asks.

"I bet your relationship is messed up because you don't pay attention to her. Not because of some stupid dept." explains Kaoru.

"Wow Kyo-chan! I'm impressed that you figured out he had the wrong school!" Hunny compliments.

"Well, there's no way the daughter of a small town doctor would ever get into OuranAcademy." Kyoya smirks.

"What if mine and Haruhi's dad is a small town doctor?!" I ask, offended.

"Is he?"

"No…" I accept my defeat.

Tamaki then decides to help him find his daughter. My respect for him before: 10%. My respect for him now: 40%. He's raising the stakes here. Good job, blondie.

"Um… Sorry about this guys… But… Can you please leave?" Haruhi asks.

They freak. Are we leaving the Host Club?! Are we mad at them?!

"Of course not, geniuses." I laugh.

"We have to finish our physical exams." Haruhi and I smile at them, "As male students."

"Not for food, though." I say.

"We're doing this to repay our debts!" Haruhi grins at them.

They all rejoice, Tamaki tackles Haruhi, all is good.

"Seriously though. Get out." I say, bluntly.

Tamaki accidentally touches Haruhi in an inappropriate place.

"Hey! Don't touch me there!" she shouts.

"Red card!" the twins yell.

"Looks like Tamaki-senpai-" Hikaru starts.

"Is the real pervert!" Kaoru finishes.

"Who cares?! Just get out!" Haruhi yells.

"Please! Just leave!" I shout.