Not my characters. No profit.

It's a long chapter, didn't know how to break it and keep the momentum.

Thanks to all who have left feedback that I cannot answer directly. I really appreciate it.

Carol, you are the best beta reader ever! Thanks for all you do.

Chapter 4

Joe's POV

I kept blowing out air, hoping the stress would flow out of me and disappear. This would be the hardest thing I'd ever done in my life, and honestly I wasn't even sure I'd be able to see it through. I knew what it would cost me, but I was prepared to pay that price. I was ready to give the woman I love what she needed most in this world.

I turned around with her coffee mug cradled in my hands. There she was standing in the doorway—so lovely in the sea blue robe I'd given her last Christmas. The plunging cleavage of the collar popped open slightly, and I couldn't help devouring her with my eyes. I took in the shapely leg that was peaking through the slit by her knee. I had chosen it because the color reminded me of her eyes.

Neither of us uttered a word, and I knew that once this conversation began there would be no turning back. She seemed a little wobbly as she pulled out the kitchen chair and sat down quickly.

I walked over to her and handed her the coffee, laced with cream and two spoons of sugar just the way she loved it. Our hands brushed slightly as I transferred it to her, and I felt the familiar zip of electricity any physical contact between us had always created. I returned to the counter, pushing my back against the sink preferring to keep a safe distance.

"So talk." I saw the foreboding look in her eyes, and I knew she sensed things were far from where they were last night.

I opened my mouth to speak and nothing came out. I cleared my throat, and I searched for the words. They needed to be precise and succinct so they left no doubt of their meaning in her mind.

"Steph, I can't pretend anymore." My voice sounded dead—so flat. The pain I felt was excruciating, and I couldn't even try to hide it. I had to stay in control. I couldn't afford to be a coward now.

"We can talk about anything you want, Joe, I'm so ready to—"

I held up my hand to stop her. "I'm going to do the talking. I want you to listen, hear me. This isn't easy, but I need the chance to get this out in the open once and for all, so please just let me speak."

I heard the squeaky rotation of Rex's wheel, and—as crazy as this was—I got the feeling it wouldn't be good for Rex to witness the conversation. I knew it wasn't like he was our kid, but somehow it just felt wrong. I motioned for Stephanie to follow me to the living room. It was a good thing Bob spent the night at Carl's, because he was going to be devastated by this. He would really miss his Stephanie.

I felt her eyes on me as I stared aimlessly out the living room window. Slowly I turned to face her.

"I don't know how—" I shook my head to clear it. My thought patterns had become a jumbled mess. "I've tried everything I know to be the man I thought you needed."

"Joe, you are—"

"No. Don't you dare tell me I am! Don't keep lying to me. Please at least give me that much consideration." The words spurted out of me—my emotions bubbling.

"But you're a wonderful man."

I heard the thread of panic in her words.

"Just not man enough for you?" I couldn't hold back the sarcasm and anger stirring in my voice. It'd been building for a long time.

"So this is about Ranger?"

"You're fucking right this is about Ranger!" The anger was rising up front and center, and I couldn't be sure what I would say before this was over.

"Ranger was—"

"IS! Ranger is between us and has ALWAYS come between us! You let him!"

"You're right."

"Yeah, well being fucking right is so fulfilling, Steph." I couldn't help the sarcasm in my voice. "So is being fucking honest. You should try it some time!" Betrayal was a deep festering wound.

"I'm sorry."

"Yeah, you're sorry you got caught. But I have a big newsflash for you, Steph." The Italian hand waving came out as it always did when I couldn't express something adequately in words. "I'm a cop. I'm trained, and I have years of experience in picking up subtle clues. It's what I do, and I'm damn good at it. Too bad for you, as it makes it a little harder to cheat on your boyfriend and get away with it, right?"

I saw the shocked look on her face. She really hadn't had a clue I knew.

I fixed my gaze on her. It felt as though I was looking at a stranger. "I look for body language and eye contact all the time. Do you know how many times HIS name would come up, and you'd turn your head away from me? Do you remember the last time you looked directly into my eyes without casting them down the minute we begin to make a connection? Because I don't."

"I didn't—"

"I'm trained to detect these things, Steph. You know that. How could you think I wouldn't have a clue? I make my living seeking out answers and finding abnormalities. It's like breathing for me. And when I figure out the answers, I catch the bad guys. Only this time there's no bad guy—only a very guilty, confused and misguided Cupcake. You're the woman I love with all my heart. I wish to God I didn't. And I only wish I'd been as clueless as you'd hoped I'd be."

I saw the tears pouring down her cheeks, and, for the first time, they didn't weaken me because I was so pissed—so angry with her for ruining what we'd had. I knew we'd had something amazing, and she'd mutilated it. I needed to get this out of my system.

"I never…meant to hurt you." I heard her raspy regretful tone.

"But you did."

"I thought about telling you many times… but I couldn't. I thought if you knew you'd kill Ranger, and you nearly did in Hawaii."

"No, I wanted to kill you." Mostly I'd wanted to kill whatever it was she felt for Ranger.

"I didn't mean—"

"Oh yeah you did mean. Don't lie to me, and don't lie to yourself. You set it up to happen. Once you decided you couldn't resist him, well, what Joe didn't know for sure wouldn't hurt him, right?" My eyes defiantly dared her to deny it.

"I know you're hurting." I saw her get up from her chair and make a move toward me.

"You don't know anything! When I think of all the times I overheard the whispers and the gossip at work and the nights I'd come home to find you waiting here as though NOTHING was any different. I'd take you to bed smelling his shower gel in your hair!" I felt disgusted with myself as I heard the truth spoken out loud. Had I really been so deluded simply because I was desperately in love with her?

"I…I hated myself."

"I hated you too." I didn't mean it, but maybe part of me did. "I kept telling myself it was a passing thing. Maybe it was my karma for all the pain I'd inflicted while I was sewing my wild oats and for playing with you when we were younger. Maybe I was paying for taking your virginity and leaving you to deal with the fallout of my stupid, drunken poetry all over town."

"No, that's all in the past. We were both so young. I didn't know what the hell I was doing! I ran to Ranger because I was afraid of what I had with you! Joe, I don't want him anymore!"

"The hell you don't! Tell me, Stephanie, have you been with him since we got back from Hawaii?"

I saw her eyes do the quick dart away from mine, and I knew without her confirming it verbally. I knew.

"Yes."

"Well what do you know—the truth for a change." I couldn't hide the bitterness I felt.

"Joe, I—"

"I don't want your excuses. Oh and the bladder infection—that was rich too. Yet another excuse for you not to be with me so you could fuck him, right? You should've just told me. You should've respected me enough to be honest."

"It wasn't an excuse. It was after I swore off men."

I heard the hard, guttural laughter coming from my throat. "So that made everything okay?"

Stephanie's involuntary blush was enough of an answer. Unbelievable! How could she have been so damned deceptive all this time?

"I'm ashamed of myself."

"You should be." I knew I was being harsh, but a part of me wanted to lash out, and I couldn't seem to stop it.

"Hawaii was too much. How could you? I thought you wanted me with you."

"I did—I do." I could see Stephanie's hands trembling as pushed the brown curls back from her face.

"No, you didn't! I couldn't believe you were squirreled away in that couples-only hotel with him! What the hell were the wedding rings about?" I was finally going to get some answers, and it was about damn time!

"It was about an FTA—the Rug. The one I got yesterday."

"Right, you called Ranger to be with you in Hawaii to help extradite him?"

"Yes…no." I saw her eyes were filled with guilt.

"You went there, and when I couldn't go with you, you called him. You wanted him. Why don't you just admit it?"

"I didn't plan it. It just happened. We went to that place because the Rug was there. I swear."

"How hard did you look for him once Manoso got there?"

I saw the instantaneous flushing and the telltale embarrassment. It was enough confirmation.

"That's what I thought. I guess you and Manoso had quite the honeymoon before I arrived."

"Joe, you have to listen to me. We were posing as a married couple to get into the resort."

"Well good job! Your little charade was quite convincing!"

"I had no idea you would show up. If I had, I would never have called Ranger."

"Sure—that's why when I did come, you used a stun gun on me!"

"I used it on both of you, and it wasn't exactly easy with the way you two Neanderthals were going at it!"

"What did you expect me to do—shake his hand and give him my blessing!"

"No. I don't know. I just didn't want you to kill each other."

"And you couldn't even stay and face either one of us. I mean for God sakes! I needed some answers and some closure!"

"Closure? Joe no…" I saw her arms cross in front of her chest and the rebellious gleam in her eyes.

"And you expected it to all to go back to normal when we got back—no explanations, no apologies and no resolutions."

"You didn't want to talk about it either!"

"Yes, I did! I knew you didn't!"

"Hawaii wasn't what I wanted it to be at all." She shook her head at me.

"Yeah, I'm sure once I showed up it put a real monkey wrench in your plans."

"Joe." I heard the remorse in her voice, but it didn't soften the pain.

"It doesn't matter anymore. It's done. You can't take it back even if you wanted to." I looked away from her for a moment. I needed to gather my thoughts. I turned back after quickly realizing there was nothing left to hide.

"I've loved you for so long I can't even see straight anymore. You were it for me Steph. I felt like I'd been waiting my whole life for you. Sometimes I thought we got together when we were young, because it was always meant for us to be together. I thought deep inside we both knew it, but I guess maybe I'm the only one who knew it."

"I didn't know you were this sure."

"I was."

I heard her soft, choked sob and normally it would invoke my instantaneous rushing to her side. Typically I'd do whatever it took to keep her from shedding a tear. It was all I could do not to shed my own tears. My heart felt like it was being yanked out of my chest. I'd never been in touch with my emotions that much. Sure I'd get angry easily. I'm Italian—it went with the territory. But never in my life had I felt such an overwhelming urge to sit down, put my head in my hands and let out all the emotion. I couldn't do it. I had to keep going, and I knew the inevitable conclusion was at hand. Pacing always helped when I got upset, so I started some Olympic-worthy pacing.

"In the beginning, I screwed up big time. We were dancing around each other, and I wanted you so badly. I was falling in love even then, but when the undercover assignment came up, I volunteered. I left you for five months without calling or even telling you why I was going. I hadn't realized how long it would be. It was cruel, and you didn't deserve it even though we weren't officially a couple."

"Why didn't you call? It felt like you'd abandoned me, and I didn't know what to think?"

"I got scared, and I thought I needed the time to sort out my feelings. I'd never felt that way about anyone, and I told you marriage wasn't good for cops' wives. I didn't want to upset your life unless I was absolutely sure, and I knew you weren't even close to being sure about me."

I saw her swipe the tears from her face, her head tilted attentively.

"I know I've done some really stupid things during this relationship. I deliberately let you believe things were going on with me that weren't. I was wrong not to give you the assurances you so badly needed to have about my fidelity to you. But it was hard to give you that certainty to trust me when I had no reason whatsoever to trust you."

"Teri Gilman?"

Why was she so damned stuck on that bitch! I couldn't care less about her. How many damned times would I have to defend myself before she believed me, and what the hell did it matter now anyway? It was time she knew the truth.

"You know, you have great instincts, Stephanie, so I'm going ask you—have you ever had any concrete evidence I've been unfaithful?" I shifted my weight from one foot to the other, shrugging my shoulders as I made direct eye contact. "In your gut do you really believe I've cheated?"

And goddamn it, the moment my eyes locked with hers I saw them instantly turn away. "Why won't you even look at me?"

"I don't know why I do that. It's just hard to look in your eyes. I feel so guilty."

"But you need to, Stephanie. You really need to."

I let her take her time. I knew the eye contact would be jolting after such a long time. Last night had been like a surreal dream. We'd made contact—and then some—but the room had been lit with candles. They hadn't allowed for the clarity brought about by broad daylight. I saw her eyes fill with tears again. I knew she was discovering something she hadn't known she had—my fidelity.

"Have I cheated on you Stephanie?" I wanted so badly to stare into her gorgeous eyes forever, and if I kept doing it, I would forget everything else and do just that.

"No, you haven't." I could hear the erased doubt mixed with the crushing guilt in her voice.

"Imagine that! Joe Morelli couldn't even think of being with another woman once he found his Cupcake again." I found myself a little in awe of my own fidelity, because who would ever have thought I could do it. For Stephanie, I would have done anything.

"Joe, I've been so horrible— such an idiot. I wish I'd realized it sooner. I know what this must be costing you, because this is what Dickie did to me. Never in my wildest dreams would I ever have believed I'd do it someone else—especially you! I knew how devastating this would be for you if you found out. I didn't know you knew! Believe me, I wanted to tell you so many times."

"Why the hell didn't you? I would've rather known where we stood or didn't stand. I would've loved to have avoided the torture I've felt every fucking day!"

"I'm so sorry."

"What a sorry state of affairs—or non affairs as the case may be—huh?" I swiped at my hair, wishing I could pull it all out. I was so damned frustrated with her and with myself. I thought it would be a relief to have it all out in the open, but my body felt like every nerve was on end, and I couldn't seem to stand still. I saw Steph silently weeping. I felt I might as well go for broke.

"I wanted to marry you. If you were ever skeptical or in any doubt as to how I felt about it I think you should know I wanted to marry you more than I've ever wanted to do anything else in my life."

I wished I could go to her. I saw her reaction to my confession. She put her hand over her chest, and I heard her low, choked sobs. "I could never tell you. I had to act like it was casual once I found out about you and Ranger—that I wasn't really interested in settling down with anyone and especially you. Surprise! I didn't feel that way at all. You're the only woman I've ever wanted to marry." I couldn't hide the tears squeezing my throat.

"I never actually expected you to give up the bounty hunting when I issued that stupid ultimatum. It was to see if you would choose me. I wanted to know if you loved me enough to give it up. It was a big mistake, and I've regretted ever since having asked you. It was wrong of me. I would marry you if you were a Kamikaze pilot or a circus clown or an astronaut. The only thing I wanted was to have you in my life forever."

"Oh God!"

My heart pinged as I heard her tone filled with shocked regret.

"Steph, I pursued you. I practically stalked you after you captured me and cleared my name. I started chasing you. Do you remember? I was at your apartment every single chance I got. I showed up at your parent's house when the last thing you were expecting was me."

"I remember you were so irritating!" she recalled with a tearful smile, and I knew she had actually loved it as much as I had.

"I'd made up my mind. I knew you were the one I wanted, and I wasn't about to let you get away again. So there I was—your worst nightmare, showing up just about every day. I guess it was the only way I thought you'd accept me courting you."

"You were courting me? I liked it. I pretended to hate it, but I loved seeing you."

My heart lurched like when a cable car goes sailing down a steep hill in San Francisco. My heart always did the same damn thing every time Stephanie Plum told me she loved me.

"Me too. I loved being near you. I loved sharing your family dinners—as crazy as they were. And Grandma Mazur—what a woman! I loved how you're so much like her. I saw how you loved your family so unconditionally—faults and all. I knew you were the right woman for me, because I knew you'd love me the same way too."

Stephanie's eyes were gushing tears.

I felt alive with you! I loved discussing the angles of a case, pursuing clues, meeting up all through the day to touch base about the work we were doing.

And when you finally allowed me into your life to share your bed and make love to you, I was thrilled. It wasn't ever about the sex alone. I knew you thought it was, and, yes, I was a horny Italian bastard sometimes. But it was because I'd never had a woman I couldn't get enough of before. Everything changed with you. I only wanted you—forever—because I loved you."

"Joe, we can—" Her eyes shined up at me hopefully.

"I knew it scared the shit out of you. I knew you were hurt so much in your marriage to Dickie. I wish to God that Son of a Bitch had never set eyes on you!"

"I was afraid about us, because of our history."

"I knew that, and I understood. I wanted to make that history up to you. I wanted you to know I would never treat you so thoughtlessly again. I really tried to be as loving and understanding as I could. I wanted to always be there for you."

"You have been Joe. You've been wonderful."

I knew if I EVER cheated on you it would be over. It was easy. I was determined to never let you be hurt like that again. No matter what it took I never wanted to see that look of betrayal in your eyes directed at me. I would never be the one to put that kind of pain back in your eyes."

I suddenly realized I was the one whose eyes were holding the pain. Shit, nothing like irony. What a kick in the ass!

"I always wanted to be clear about how I felt about you and my commitment toward you. I guess I let all those clouded, convoluted feelings about you and your dangerous job along with Ranger's constant interference and my expectations get in the way. As a result, I was never clear at all."

My hand hit the bookcase on the living room wall. I wished so badly I could go back and do everything over again.

I noticed Stephanie's body jerk with the impact the sound of my hand made.

"I wanted you to be safe. That was ALL I ever wanted. I didn't care if you could boil, braise, fry or bake water! I didn't care if you could do laundry or ever washed the damned dishes. I was never looking for a conventional ANYTHING with you. I wanted you just the way you were. I didn't want to change you or keep you from being who you wanted to be. You thought that I did, but I didn't."

"Oh, Joe."

"l loved the fact that you loved cake and donuts and take out meals! I loved waking up with you. I loved holding you at night. I loved your laugh and your crazy, self-deprecating sense of humor. I loved how you cared for my wayward dog so much you let him eat your favorite heels and your underwear. You accepted him as he is! I loved how we didn't have to define our lives by other people's standards or expectations. Together you and I could have forged our own path."

"I never knew that. I wish you'd told me."

"I thought I was in my own way every day we were together, but you never heard me."

I felt so sad. It felt as though I'd just delivered a eulogy to our relationship.

"I guess we never talked about things enough. I guess that's what made me run away so many times. Part of me wanted to stay, but I was too afraid," she said.

"I think we are both a little scarred by the past. I was hoping you and I would get married and have a couple of kids one day soon. A cop has to have something to pull him out of all the death and destruction that follows him every day. Coming home to you and Bob and Rex at night was a haven for me."

I cleared my throat to cut the emotion threatening to spill. "And yes, I wanted to have babies with you—not to trap you but to make a family with you. I would have been by your side every step of the way, running out to get whatever you were craving and letting you crush my hand while you were in labor. And once the babies came, I'd have been there to hold them, diaper them and be a great dad. I promise I would have."

"I've always thought you'd be a fantastic dad."

It surprised me to hear her say she'd ever thought of me as a dad, because I was pretty damned sure she'd had no intention of ever being a mom. "The idea of having a little miniature version of us running up to me at night and throwing his or her chubby little arms around my neck was an amazing dream. I hadn't really ever had that dream until you, and I wanted it more than I ever realized. It was a good reason to be careful everyday in the trenches."

"It's a beautiful dream, Joe."

"You're not a precious bird to be caged. I didn't want a trophy wife in a glass case either. I've always known you were different, and it was why I loved you. If I wanted some kind of robotic wife, I'd have looked for a domestic slave not a gun toting, pepper spraying spitfire. I couldn't even imagine myself with anyone else. But apparently you could."

"No, Joe, you're who I wanted. I loved how we could hang out in sweats, watch a game and make love like crazy all night. I loved taking long walks in the park and having our shared insane breakfasts like cold spaghetti and cake."

I could take her at her word. I could change my mind and just start all over. I could forget all about everything if I let myself. I'd been doing great playing ostrich. Why not keep doing it and keep her in my life? But there was no escaping the gut wrenching truth.

"I wanted all of you, Steph. I can't trust you anymore. I can't imagine you being willing to give up all his attention. He dotes on you like an over indulgent father. You need a car it's there. You need a bodyguard he's there. I've been grateful at times, because I've had peace knowing he had your back. Unfortunately, he had a lot of other parts of you too." I was treading on thin ice. We were talking about Ranger, and he was a volatile subject at best.

"I never meant for this to happen, Joe, I'd sooner cut off my arm than hurt you."

"I know. I'm so angry inside, but a part of me knows you didn't do this with malice. I believe a part of you did love me."

"I do, Joe. You have to believe me."

I took a deep breath. It'd been pent up way too long. "I tortured myself wondering what the two of you were really doing. Was he touching you, teasing you, flirting with you, fucking you? Was he in your head and your heart? Did he hold a place in your soul that I thought was mine? Do you have any idea how I felt? I pictured all of it, tormenting myself daily. The Maalox wasn't about the danger you were in. It was about whose arms you'd been in! It was about the two of you and how much it hurt me. Hell, if you were to get pregnant, I wouldn't even know if the baby was mine! Did you ever think about that, because I sure as hell did!"

I saw her almost imperceptible nod before she bowed her head.

"I don't know what happened to me. None of this should have ever happened. I know what you're feeling, Joe, and I know how devastated it must make you. I did to you what Dickie did to me—me of all people! It's unforgivable, and I really wish I'd never let it happen."

"I wish you hadn't either. I couldn't believe it at first. I didn't want to—and God knows I've done everything I could not to—but it was there in my face every single damned day. I'd think about what you talked about with him. I wondered if you'd come to me at night after you'd been with him all day or vice versa. I imagined you laughing with him, teasing him. Hell, the only things I couldn't imagine you doing with him were sharing Pino's sitting on the couch and watching a game! Did it even bother him the fact you came to me right after you'd left him? Is he even human?" I couldn't believe Stephanie was settling for so little when she deserved so much more.

"Ranger accepted my relationship with you."

I couldn't even believe she said that! "Well bully for him! Doesn't that tell you what kind of man he is! He must really have LOVED you to want you in another man's bed! What—did you do go from him to me and make comparison notes? Who kissed better? Which one of us came out ahead in the polls this week, Stephanie?" I couldn't stop lashing out at her.

"I don't compare."

"The hell you don't!" My eyes challenged her.

"I don't!"

"Oh no? Then tell me why he gets a free pass for everything! Why have you tolerated his constant interjection into our lives? He's bugged your cars and listened in on your every word. Hell, he's probably had surveillance cameras in our bedroom! What line in the sand did you draw for him? You never rejected him if he wanted to protect you. You accepted it all like manna from heaven. Shit, when I tried to do it you left me standing half naked in the road! Every time I've expressed the need to protect you, I was accused of interfering and controlling you. How is he not controlling? He has a tracking device on you all the goddamned time! Who's been putting you in a cage? Not me."

I knew my temper was getting the better of me, but I was past caring. The bitterness and the pain had been lying deep inside me eating away.

"There was such a double standard between what was expected of me and what you haven't required of him! I never understood how you tolerated everything he wanted and nothing I wanted when it was pretty much the same thing."

She was so quiet, sitting there letting me rant. She looked like a lost little girl, and I felt bad for her. But I couldn't stop. She needed to see that Ranger was not perfect. She needed to know being with him was compromising her whether she saw it or not.

"Let's be honest. If I'd had those "see-other-women flings" you'd sanctioned, I'd have been kicked out on my ass!"

I saw the shake of her head, but her lips stayed silent. She knew I was speaking the truth.

"Have you ever given any thought to the fact Ranger may not have been faithful to you all the time? Doesn't it bother you at all? I mean if you love the guy so much I'd think you'd want to know where the hell he is when you're settling for me. Doesn't it bother you that, more than likely, he's getting his jollies taken care of by prostitutes whenever you aren't available? You really think he's holding you in some sacred shrine and being celibate when you aren't around? If I were the one cheating on you, I'd be toast! But Ranger? Why he's Batman who does no wrong. Hell, he's probably immune to STD's and kryptonite!"

"Don't do this, Joe. it wasn't like that."

"Really? Then why don't you tell me what it was like? I've been going crazy wanting to know everything! Tell me—did you do one of us every other day or— God forbid—do you actually get two for the price of one on the same day!" I hated myself. I knew I was going too far, but damn her to hell for ruining our lives. How dare she say it wasn't what it was!

"I feel so dirty, Joe. You have no idea what this is doing to me!" I see her walking toward me, and to my surprise, there was no anger in her expression. Streaks of mascara-darkened tears were rolling down her cheeks as she reached out to touch my face. My knee-jerk reaction twisted my body away from her, and my eyes flashed a warning not to come near me.

"You think I want you to touch me ever again, knowing you've been all too happy touching him everywhere? Really! You haven't answered the question, Stephanie, and I think I have the right to know. Tell me, do you fuck me in the morning, him in the afternoon, and, hell, for all I know, Tank at night!" Yes, it had crossed my mind she had a friendship going with every guy at Rangemen. That's how insecure I'd become.

I felt my cheek being slapped hard. She was angry now, and that was good. I wanted her good and angry. I wanted her to hurt like I did. No, I didn't. I really didn't. I honestly didn't know what I wanted anymore.

"You're scum, Morelli!"

"And what would that make you, Stephanie?"

"I'm, sorry. I'm sorry. I was going to confess everything to you today—this morning. I had no idea you knew. I mean, I knew you suspected after Hawaii, but I didn't know you knew, and it's only been Ranger. I didn't plan it—I swear!"

"Is that supposed to make it better?"

"No! Of course not!"

"You're in love with him."

"I thought so for awhile. It isn't what you think."

"Yes, it is. I saw how torn you've been. It's torn me up inside, knowing you've been in so much turmoil over your feelings for me and your obsession with him."

"I'm not!"

"You are! Damn it, Stephanie, just admit it! I'm so tired of you running to him, calling him, making excuses to be with him!"

"I don't want him anymore. You have to believe me, Joe. Please listen."

Her pitiful pleas were falling on deaf ears. "I wish I could believe one word out of your mouth." But I couldn't anymore. "I no longer trust you, Stephanie, and without that we have nothing."

"Joe, I would never do it again."

I heard the derisive laugh coming from my throat. "The hell you wouldn't! The minute things get tough between us off you'd go! Then you'd think you could justify your infidelities with rationalizations like we're broken up or I'm a tyrant. Who could blame you for being with your coveted Superhero! You've got so many escape hatches you should be a damned submarine!" I couldn't hold back the emotions any longer—I lost it. The tears flooded out of my eyes. Pain was oozing through every pore.

Steph lost it too. I guess, seeing me cry was too hard for her. I don't think I've ever cried like this. She's seen tears in my eyes before when I've had to go to a funeral and bury a fellow officer, but I'd never allowed the tears to fall until now. I needed to hold her more than I've ever needed anything in my life. I wordlessly reached for her, and she was in my arms in milliseconds. We just stood there wrapped in one another's embrace, cleansing our souls of our long held pain.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to take it this far. You're killing me here," I whispered into her ear, wanting so badly to kiss her hair.

"I miss you. I miss us. I got lost somehow."

"I want you to find yourself again."

"I don't know how," she admitted to me, gulping back another sob.

We looked into each other's eyes. She held nothing back. I saw her love for me—her sorrow and her pain. I knew she was seeing a reflection of the same in my eyes.

I don't know what motivated me next. I only knew somehow I had to help her one last time. I couldn't let her go without her knowing that even though she had become a stranger to me the woman I fell in love with was still there. I propelled her toward the bedroom, and she did a double take. Don't worry, Cupcake. I know sex wasn't going to fix us. Nothing would fix us. I guided her past the bedroom and into the bathroom.

I held her body lovingly with my left arm wrapped around her waist. With the other hand, I took a washcloth from the towel rod. I had to do this. She needed to know I saw through all her feisty, tough girl façade. I always had, and it was why I loved her so damned much. I hit the faucet, holding the washcloth until it was dripping wet and squeezed out the excess water. My fingers rubbed softly against her cheek, brushing the tears away. I held her chin in the palm of my left hand and gently began to wash off the remaining tear-streaked layers of mascara from her eyes. Her soft whimpering cracked at my heart. When the mascara was gone, I tenderly turned her toward the mirror while I looked deeply into her eyes.

"Look at yourself, Stephanie—really look. Don't be so afraid, Cupcake. You're still there. I've always known you were. We all get lost sometimes."

"I don't want to look. I can't stand looking."

I felt how she struggled with herself all the time. She was never at peace with who she was. I knew how that felt. When you believed you couldn't please anyone, least of all yourself, it haunted you and kept you from rising up and accomplishing more than you ever dreamed you could.

I could feel the wrestling of her body against my arms, but I held her steadfast. My sweet Stephanie needed to have some faith in herself.

"You said you felt lost. You hide behind your fears and the pain you've tried so hard to bury. And you've layered this damn makeup on like some kind of permanent mask, almost as if you were in disguise. The Stephanie I fell in love with didn't need a mask. Now look at what I saw when I met you—what I've always seen." I watched her try to look, but she kept stopping before it could happen.

"I don't want to!"

"Yes, you do. I'm right here, Cupcake. I promise you're going to be okay—just look."

She stopped struggling. I could see her eyes focusing on herself.

"Tell me what it is you see, Stephanie?"

"I see sadness."

"Why do you feel sadness?"

"Because I'm so hurt. I've hurt for such a long time."

"I know, baby. I know." I hadn't allowed myself to use any form of the word babe or baby as an endearment for obvious reasons, but I used to call her baby and babe in the beginning. It wasn't like he had a license to use the endearment exclusively!

"I remember feeling like my mother didn't love me as much as Valerie. Maybe it was because, I wasn't as pretty or as smart. Nothing I did was ever good enough, and even now, she wants me to be somebody else."

"You never need to be anybody else. You've always been beautiful and intelligent and full of spirit. I'm sure your mother loved you. She just wanted you safe and happy."

"I knew it in my head, but somewhere in my heart, I wished we'd had a better relationship. I felt like I was a big disappointment to her all the time."

"Steph, you can't change her, and I really don't honestly think she meant to make you feel so inadequate. You have to know within you that what she thought about you or how she approached you wasn't personal. It's all she knew. Being the daughter of someone like Grandma Mazur, I wonder if she hasn't felt pretty inadequate herself at times. You and Grandma Mazur are like two peas in a very avant-garde pod." I teased her, but it was the truth. Normal people paled in comparison to my girl and that crazy grandmother of hers.

"I guess I never thought of it that way. Maybe she feels as though she wasn't adventurous enough."

"So tell me what else is in those beautiful eyes."

I saw her looking, and I knew she was digging deep into her heart.

"Dickie hurt me terribly—not my heart as much as my, self worth."

"Yeah."

"I wasn't good enough for him, and he married me. Why in the hell did he want to marry me if all he planned to do was cheat?"

"He was an asshole."

"Yeah." She agreed with me, smiling a tiny, teary smile.

"He isn't worth a thought in your head, Stephanie. You were—and are—and always have been good enough. You have to stop thinking this way about yourself. You're so amazing. You've always been amazing to me. And I know I've been ranting and raving at you lately like some psycho lunatic, so now I've hurt you too."

"Why, Joe? You never used to make me feel so small. Why have you been telling me I'm not good enough if I really am? How can I believe what you're telling me now when you've been telling me for months how much of a failure I am?"

"It's because I've been so angry at you—not about the job but about Ranger. I've been pissed about the fact you turn to him all the time. I'd come on the scene whenever a car blew up or a fire or whatever the hell it was and he'd beat me to you every time. I couldn't control how it made me feel, and I was lashing out at you because of it. I'm sorry. I never really felt you were incompetent or a failure of any kind. Maybe I felt like one though, because when you start to feel as though you're losing the most important person in your life, you do crazy, rash things that don't even make sense. I felt the desperation to hang on to you, and all that did was push, you away."

"So you respected me and my work?"

"Yeah, I did. You've always had an amazing intuition, and you were so tenacious about it. Of course I respected and admired your bravery."

I paused for a moment, and then added, "Take one more look at that mirror, Steph."

"Where did you get this mirror stuff?"

"Police academy. We weren't allowed out on the street with a loaded gun if we were holding a bunch of unresolved baggage, so we had to endure a few sessions with a shrink in order to ensure we could handle ourselves and our anger issues."

"So you got through some of the stuff with your dad?"

"Enough. I wouldn't have made a very good cop wanting to kill any man who beat his wife and kids, would I?"

She shook her head at me in agreement. And I saw in her eyes, she respected me for admitting I'd needed help too.

"Why didn't you ever tell me this?"

"It's not in keeping with my macho image."

"You're an amazing man, Joe," she whispered to me softly.

"Yeah, whatever. Now back to you, Cupcake."

I caressed her body softly through the robe as she faced her own demons. I gave her all the love, support and assurance I'd withheld lately. "This is the girl I fell in love with. This is the woman I've loved. She's real and beautiful, and she doesn't need to hide it from herself or anyone else. She's worthy to be loved. She's everything she has needed to be. When she enters a room, there's no one who lights it up like she does. But she's not here very much anymore. She's been in hiding a long time, putting on some brave, phony front that's nothing like the real woman inside. I still see her, and when I do, I see my life, my wife, my love, and the mother of my children. When she's here, I see my partner and my equal. This other part of her –the one who acted deceitfully and carelessly and who became desensitized is a stranger to me." I wanted my Stephanie back. With every cell of my being, I wanted her back.

Steph was crying quietly. My voice was a soft cuddling whisper. "You haven't seen yourself for who you are, and maybe that's why you can never admit what you want or who you want. I believe in your soul you wanted marriage and a life partner and children. I know you wanted everyone to think you didn't, but I know you. You are a woman who wants deeply to be loved and to be surrounded by her family and friends."

"You were so devastated by that sham of a marriage to Dickie that you gave up on ever finding what you dreamed of, and so you continue to run away from what you really want because you're so sure you'll never have it."

I saw a brief moment where I knew she wanted to deny my words and fight me like she always had, but she couldn't. Her eyes caught mine in the mirror, and she remained silent.

"It's funny, I've heard you say what a horrible mother you'd make, but I never saw anything like that when I dreamed of our future."

"I'd be really bad at it."

"You've never seen yourself as I see you. Don't you see, Stephanie, you're mothering everybody all the time. My God, the strays flock to you like hungry pigeons to breadcrumbs. If you'd think about it, you'd know I'm telling you the truth. Mooner, Zook, Sally Sweet, and even Lula—you've taken them all under your wing. Hell, even some of the crazy people stalking you got Stephanie Plum mothering! Who else would buy her stalker a Pizza?" I laughed, fondly recalling the down-on-their-luck parade that had constantly been marching in and out of her life.

I saw her million-watt smile reflect back at me. "I like helping people. It makes me happy."

"I know, Cupcake. You're going to make a fantastic mother some day if you want it. I mean what kid wouldn't be charmed by you? You're sweet and funny and self-deprecating." I rolled my eyes to heaven smiling. "If your child said. "Mom I want to fly", you'd never laugh. You'd just find out what it would take to make him feel as though he was flying."

"I never thought about it that way." I could tell from her tone she was actually considering my words.

"You've just never seen how incredible you really are." My voice caught a little.

"I'm not!" She shook her head. "Look at what I've done to us!"

"You're confused and a little lost, but everyone goes through that sometime in life. You've lived in so much fear, and you've pretended it's not there all the time. But I know you, and I know you've been running from yourself. I understand it, because I've done it myself."

"You don't really hate me?"

"If only I could," I murmured into her hair.

"Joe, why haven't you ever talked to me like this before?"

"It would have been interpreted by you as pressure, and you wouldn't have believed me."

"I want to believe you."

"I'm glad." I nodded, trying to conjure up a smile. I held her close as we gazed at one another in the mirror. She wasn't looking away anymore, and it felt so good to be able to be honest about everything.

At least my head wasn't a jumbled mess anymore, and I'd said everything I'd ever wanted to say to her. I felt her hand stroking mine.

"I wish we could have talked like this a long time ago. I feel like such a fool for having run away all the time."

"It's okay, Steph. You were dealing with baggage, and I know what that's like. My dad left a pretty indelible mark on me too. I've been trying to wipe it off for years."

"You've done great, Joe. Don't let what I've done make you think otherwise. It wasn't you. I know now that you've been the adult in our relationship the whole time."

"That's not true. I've had plenty of tantrums and Italian fits, and I'm sorry." Is it possible that we could start over now? My heart is second guessing my decision. Maybe we didn't have to be apart after all? I mean we were talking, and I could tell that she was truly sorry for everything. Maybe we could make this work after all. If she loved me as much as I loved her we could fix anything.

"No! I'm sorry! I never stopped running long enough to see what an amazing man you are. I don't know why I kept going to Ranger! I don't know why I left the best man in the world to go after one who couldn't even tell me he loves me without putting a qualifier on it! Oh my God, what have I done?"

I'd never heard her say that Ranger loved her. I knew he did by the way he looked at her, but I wasn't sure he'd ever told her. Now I knew. "I guess you fell in love with two men at the same time." The momentary hope I'd had faded, and died. I couldn't afford to be a fool twice.

"I thought I did." I felt her body turn in my arms, so we were facing one another. "Joe, I wish you had confronted me a long time ago."

"I knew the minute I did, everything would change for us—just like it is now. I've been lying to myself too. I thought I could love you more or better or longer or God knows what I thought! Somehow I thought it would end up being me. What a damned arrogant fool I was."

"You! It is you, Joe!"

"I think what you interpreted as my over possessiveness was really my insecurity trying to will you to choose me."

"I do choose—"

I held up my hand to stop her from talking again, the temptation to change my mind, was warring within me even as I said the words. "I've made up my mind. This is over. We're over. I've waited on the sidelines for too long expecting you would choose me—afraid you'd choose him or choose to dump us both and move on with someone who was actually good for you."

I saw Stephanie's hands flail helplessly at her side.

"You're good for me."

"Not anymore. I think I was once. I was willing to do anything it took to make you happy. But it's cost me too much, and it's not safe for me to be that crazy in love with someone who isn't as crazy in love with me. I can't even function right on the job. It's dangerous to me and to the whole team."

I shook my head and those damned crybaby tears were coming again. "I can't." I needed to stop, because I heard the break in my own voice. "I can't do this to myself any longer. I can't pretend it doesn't matter to me. I can't be there on a daily basis watching you turn to HIM. You love me, but not enough to let him go. So I'm letting you go. It's the right thing to do." My voice was hoarse from the effort to control the damned emotions. "Batman and his Wonder Woman—what could be more perfect, right?"

"NO!" She flew into my arms, her body clinging to mine, and all I wanted was to kiss her and hold her and keep her forever.

"Tell me what you want me to do? I'll do whatever you ask," she begged.

"I need you to stop." I forced my hands to remove her hands that were firmly draped around my neck. I removed them slowly and deliberately. I gazed longingly into her eyes. In them I could find the strength I needed—just as I always had. I'd never needed it more. "This is one of the hardest things I've ever done, so please don't make it harder." I turned away from her, forcing myself to head directly to the living room.

"NO! Joe, NO! Don't do this to us! Don't leave me! I knew someday you would leave!"

"I never wanted to—not ever."

"How can you say this to me after last night. I know you're hurt and angry, and I betrayed everything we've been to each other. I've screwed it all up! I know it! I couldn't stop myself no matter how much I wanted to. And I thought you might never forgive me after Hawaii. But last night you whispered all those words. You still love me, and we can work this out. You just have to give me a chance! How could you say all those things to me then take them back?" Her tone was confused, and an avalanche of tears was falling down her cheeks.

I turned around suddenly unable to stop myself. I took three strides to face her. My fingers gently brushed the tears from her cheeks. "Cupcake, I shouldn't have said them. I couldn't help myself, and I knew last night was the final chance I'd have to say everything I've wanted to say from the beginning. I just wanted you to know what's been in my heart for you. I won't take back one word. I can't. Every word is the truth. I knew it was my last chance to say them before I said goodbye."

"No! No, you can't do this! Joe, there has to be something I can do to change your mind. Tell me what it is!"

"You'll never give him up. He's too important to you. He's your mentor and your guardian angel—always there with a car, or a job, or a nice vacation in Hawaii. Hell, his name is sewn on your underwear!"

"Ella did that—not me!" She sounded like a little girl belligerently denying complicity in doing anything wrong. I couldn't help but smile sadly.

"You love him. He loves you. He doesn't want a commitment. You say you don't either. It's really a good match. You'll be free. I won't be there to stop you from doing anything you wanted to do. You always did want to fly, remember? Now you can. Nothing's stopping you. You deserve that even if you don't believe it."

I closed the inches between us, and my fingers wrapped around her neck and plunged into the luxurious curls I've always found so irresistible. I felt her body trembling against mine as I pulled her toward me for one last kiss. I wished I could pick her up and carry into the bedroom and make love to her forever. But instead I settled for that kiss, hoping my lips would convey what my words never seemed to be able to do. I felt her arms envelope me, and she deepened the kiss, opening her mouth hard against mine. She seized me to her so that there was no air between us. I heard the soft whimpers emitting from her throat. The kiss held everything we'd ever felt for one another. It was scalding and sweet, loving and angry, forgiving yet filled with so much passion, desire and longing that it left us both shaking. I tried to pull myself away, but her hands pulled me back to her, and our lips met again frantically, seeking sustenance for the last time. Now the strangled sounds I heard were coming from me, God, how in the hell could I leave her? I took the last bit of courage I had to force my lips to break from hers, and I pushed her out of my arms. It felt like a self-inflicted wound—like someone pulled the plug on my heart. I took one last jagged breath. I needed to utter the words I never wanted to say.

"You have to let me go. Goodbye sweet, Cupcake. I'll always love you."