Thank you very much for your kind words! Nothing makes me happier than nice reviews! I'm so glad you're enjoying reading it as much as I'm enjoying writing, please keep on letting me know what you think. I was so afraid of starting this because English is not my first language and I was afraid to not be able to write at my best like I do in Italian – but I have to say, it's working! And my biggest thank you for this goes to my lovely twinnie: merder32 who is beta-reading all of this!
Someone is reading both this story and Never want more? I am pretty curious! Anyway, let's come back to Mer & Der… I'm sure you were waiting for a very needed conversation between Mer and Amelia.

Enjoy, and please… review more!

Love,

Hel. (:

Chapter 4

Black & Blue

You see the sunrise just around the bend
you've made it through the darkness until the end
you've been through hell and back again
just to find your way home

Derek Shepherd had moved to Seattle to live in a trailer.

He had left his Manhattan apartment to bury himself in the wood. He had bought the land because it was cheap and amazingly beautiful, and had decided to start with the trailer, just the time to get adjusted to the change, and then go apartment – hunting. He wasn't exactly sure what he was going to do with the land, but he had decided it wasn't going to stress himself over it. He made enough money to indulge in a whim like that. Maybe, someday, he would feel like having a real home and he would have had the place where to build it. But a home is not a home, without a woman, and children…
Derek was anything but a snobbish person. He was arrogant, of course, and as a world - known neurosurgeon had definitely a God-complex, but he wasn't a snob. Anyway, he had hated the trailer since moment one: it was tiny, uncomfortable… just extremely small.
But that night – after his first day of work, after seeing Meredith again, after she agreed to go to the Chief's anniversary with him – he came home feeling content and happy. And even that crappy trailer felt like a big comfortable, modern loft.

Amelia Shepherd had a terrible day. A patient of a simple, ordinary craniotomy had died on her table from a heart attack, the intern she had for the day, Leah Murphy, was nothing but an idiot, and her dear brother was the new Head of her department. It wasn't like she wanted that job for herself: she had just become an attending, and it was enough for her. She was content with it and most of all, with it far away from her brother. She loved Derek, and Derek loved her. He was protective, nice, funny, willing to help and so very sweet. But as her brother. In the hospital, he was the neuro-god. He was McDreamy. He was the best, and she had spent most of her young life trying to gain her own name, and her own position. With Derek in Seattle, she wasn't dr. Shepherd anymore. She was going to be the other Shepherd. The wrong Shepherd.

Anyway, a tiny part of her was happy. A part of her who was still young and scared was happy to have her DerBear next door, to help and protect her. And she was happy to have dinner with him, that night. She just had to make a stop at her house – well, Meredith's house – to shower, change, and most of all ask her friend why on earth she was kissing her brother in the parking lot of the hospital. But especially - why on earth didn't she tell her, because Amelia had a strong feeling that she hadn't witnessed the couple's first kiss.

Couple.

Her brother and Meredith.

A couple.

She found Meredith curled up on the swing in the front porch. She had her knees up to her chest, her face buried in her hands. She was wearing yoga pants and her Dartmouth t-shirt.

"Are you ok, Mer?" she asked softly slipping on the swing next to her. She immediately reached out to caress her golden, messed lock, trying to comfort her. She was in trouble, she could tell.

Meredith nodded. She can't tell Amy, can she? She felt terribly guilty. Among all her concerns about Derek, and relationships in general – or whatever he was suggesting – she felt like betraying Amelia. The girl had shown her unconditional loyalty, they got along because of their frustrating relatives and now she was fal –

No way.

"Yeah, Ames. Just a rough day"

"I imagine you didn't expect for my brother to show up during your pit shift".

Meredith's eyes were the size of two cups.

"You know?"

"Everybody does. When I passed by the lobby, nurse Debbie was telling nurse Olivia about your sweet little hug". She wasn't angry. She just wanted to play with terrified Meredith.

"Ames, I –"

"And I saw the two of you kissing in the parking lot".

Meredith gasped.

"Amelia – I'm sorry. I swear, there's nothing going on, I…"

"Nothing?". Amelia giggled. "Doesn't seem nothing to me. And anyway, Derek's been eating you up with his eyes, back in L.A.".

Meredith decided to keep quiet. She was going to lose a friend. She just knew it. And she couldn't tell anything to Amelia, she was completely guilty.

Seeing her friend so hurt, Amelia grabbed Meredith's hand. "Hey, it's ok. I'm not upset. I'm trying to figure it out, but I'm pretty excited about the two of you dating or whatever you're doing".

All the strength she has imposed on herself during the day, maybe during all her life, fell down in that moment and Meredith found herself mumbling tentatively the truth: "We're not dating. He asked me, he's been asking me since day one, but I can't – I just can't force myself to give it a try"

"Why so?" Amelia asked, as softly as Meredith's confession.

"My parents divorced when I was five, and I still don't know the reason. I just know my dad left, just like that. I've never, ever seen him or heard from him again. I know he has a new family, somewhere. Kids. Kids probably better than me. We moved to Boston, you already know this, and I practically lived at the hospital until I was able to provide for myself. My mother spent our little time together telling me I wasn't good enough. Anything I did wasn't enough for her. She constantly left me alone, no Christmas, no birthdays, no Sundays, no holidays. Anything. She's a little… softer, right now, maybe because I chose general, or maybe because Richard Webber told her a lot of times I am great, but I'm not sure she believes that, when I told her I wanted to become a doctor she answered that I could at least be a nurse"

"Oh, Meredith…" Amelia breathed, hugging her friend strongly. How a terrible childhood – she wondered how Meredith had turned into such a kind, focused, friendly young woman. She has Derek, and Liz, Nancy and Kat. And their mother, of course. A mother who had spent all of her life trying to make sure her children wouldn't miss their father too much. Every night, she tucked Amelia in and told her "I love you, I'll see you tomorrow". And Meredith had no one.

"I tried all my life to be in control of myself," Meredith continued. "And I can't let anyone in, because your brother is kind, and funny, and wants to date and…"

"And you're afraid you'll fall in love with him," Amelia stated. "And falling in love means losing control"

"He thinks it can work, but it really can't. As soon as he gets to know me, he'll leave. I am damaged goods, he wouldn't want to be around me"

"Meredith, he is crazy about you," Amelia said, hugging her again. "I saw how he kissed you and I swear I've never seen him kissing anyone with the same care. He won't walk away. Please, try and let him in, I believe he can make you happy"

"I can't let anyone hurt me again," Meredith said almost to herself, looking to the ground.

"Good morning!"

Derek Shepherd greeted cheerfully sitting down in an empty spot between his sister and a tall, girly blonde with her mouth full of fries. In front of him, an Asian woman was devouring a hamburger – Cristina Yang, the cardio rock star. He had met her the day before - two guys and Meredith. One of the guys, with gentle light eyes, was ogling him, and the other one seems very interested in his pasta.

"Sorry to bother you, but I don't know anyone yet and I don't really want to eat alone. I'm Derek Shepherd, from neuro"

"Yes, Ams' brother!" said the blonde sitting next to him, but she was interrupted by one of the two guys, who seems to have decided Derek was worth looking at. "We heard about you. I'm Alex Karev, pediatric, and this is Izzie Stevens, from the vagina squad". The blonde flashed him a killing look, and Derek wanted to laugh, because he and Mark used to called Addison the same way during their internship, but he thought it wasn't a smart move making himself an enemy on his second day.

"I'm George O'Malley, trauma," said shyly the last guy.

Meredith was trembling, with her eyes fixed on her salad.

"We've met yesterday," said Cristina. "Nice to see you again, dr. McDreamy".

Derek blushed profusely, but managed to laugh, and Meredith found herself completely captivated by the gesture: McDreamy – indeed – blushing like a schoolboy. He wasn't just funny, sexy, handsome and confident; he was also adorable.

Trouble, trouble, trouble.

"We're already on nick-names basis?" Derek asked. He liked doctor Yang: she was smart, talented and sarcastic.

"So let me introduce anyone properly," she smiled. "He's Bambi, or 007," she said, patting O'Malley's back, who looked like he wanted to strangle her. "And they're Evil Spawn and Barbie. I've re-named your sister the Shepherdess, and the rude, impolite blonde is Meredith Grey, general, daughter of God, universally known as Dark-and-Twisty Medusa, and nowadays the biggest fear of every intern"

"I'm not rude!" Meredith grumbled, her cheeks flushing, while Derek laughed out loud. Cute, pretty Meredith dancing drunk on the beach the biggest fear of every intern?

"And the interns are not scared of me!"

"Yes you are. You didn't even introduce yourself"

"That's because he knows who I am!" Meredith snapped. This was a tiny detail she still had to work out: telling her friends what was going on between her and Derek. And she didn't want at all.

"He does?" Cristina asked, confused. Then she looked at Derek: "You do?"

"I do," Derek grinned.

"They met back in L.A.," Amelia said, clearly annoyed. "I'm pretty sure we've mentioned it here and there, and you'd remember, if you'd be a little interested"

"I'm sorry, I can't waste my time following your conversations. Mer is annoyingly chatty around you"

"This is what happens when you hang out with a Shepherd," Derek commented, flushing a very McDreamy smile to Meredith. "And us Shepherd are apparently very fond of Meredith – ouch!"

Meredith had kicked his calf under the table.

"Probably it's Meredith who doesn't like this Shepherd very much," she retorted, and Alex and Amelia laughed loudly. Amelia was indeed enjoying the show very much: she was used to walk past girls' bodies at Derek's feet.

"What happened between the two of you?" asked Izzie smiling widely.

Meredith was about to run away and go finish her lunch in the locker room. Luckily, her page went off and she did just that, mumbling "Nothing. And don't ask him or you'll be homeless by the end of the day".

This girl is always running, thought Derek. He had hoped for a lunch with her – even if not alone with her – and he had got a lunch trying to avoid the strange look in her friends' eyes. But he was lucky: apparently Izzie Stevens cared about having a house, and no one made further questions about his and Meredith's whereabouts in Los Angeles… for now.

Derek spent indeed a boring Monday, but Tuesday proved the week was improving, when Meredith entered his OR on Tuesday morning, with sparkling eyes and the scrub cap he had given her. Derek felt a rush of emotion running through his veins when he realized they had the same scrub cap on, exactly like he had imagined.

Surgery went well.

No other word could described it.

They kept on giving each other furtive looks, immediately looking on the patient when the other raised their heads, pretending to be focused on their work. Meredith felt his blue gaze on herself, and Derek was seriously terrified he would end up practicing a hole in the patient's cranium.

"You're sexually harassing me, dr. Grey," Derek murmured when he caught Meredith's emerald eyes on him.

"Am I?" she asked, playing dumb. "You're stalking me since your first day. And here I am just fixing this poor guy"

"You knew how to prevent the stalking, but you decided to let me suffer" he said calmly. "And stop looking at my chest," he added with a smirk.

"I am not looking at your chest!" she snapped. "Do you want me to kill the patient?"

"They say you Medusa doesn't kill patients, she just occasionally scalps interns…" he sing-songed.

"You are an idiot," she mumbled. "I don't like you"

"Oh, but you do. You're looking at me…"

"No, I am looking at this abdomen, McDreamy"

"Don't call me McDreamy"

"And don't call me Medusa! I'll kill Cristina…".

At her mention of dr. Yang, Derek asked: "How come you didn't tell your friends about… us?"

"How come you won't never, ever mind your own business? And there isn't an us"

"I'll win you over. We'll end up married with three kids, and you'll wander around telling people how stupid you were wasting time refusing me". At this, Meredith laughed. Sincerely, genuinely.

"I'm done," she said, finishing her suture.

"Yeah, me too. Just a second and we can scrub out".

When they went off the OR, he trapped her in a corner of the empty aisle, between the wall and his strong body.

Meredith felt a rush of warmth going straight to her core. She craved this man, she could deny it to anyone, but not to herself. She had been very… sexually loose in college, and the chastity of the moment was indeed work's fault. Anyway, she was positive she hadn't met her real mate, yet. What she felt for him in that moment, the night before, back in L.A. was not just a sexual awakening. It was like she was identifying her mate. He felt like a missing piece.

This was why she wanted to run. He made her weak, and she couldn't be weak. She had erased that word from her dictionary a long time ago. And it would be easy to just walk away, but oh his eyes, his lips… his strong chest, his strong hand on her shoulder – a hand she so badly wanted to feel on her breast.

"Mer," he whispered, taking back from her head the scrub cup he had given her, releasing her honey hair. "Can I ask you something?"

"No, Derek, I won't go out with you," she replied with the last strength she had.

He chuckled. "You agreed to Webber's wedding"

"Technically is not a date," she protested.

"So, we can kiss but we can't date?".

She looked completely lost, and Derek decided it was the right moment: "I like kissing you. It was good. It's the best thing of Seattle, actually, kissing you regularly. Better than ferryboats, better than the Space Needle, better than a twenty-hours spinal tumor surgery"

"You're rambling," she smiled.

"Too much Greyness," he smiled. "When do I get to kiss you again?"

"Who's sexually harassing who, now?" she joked. She wanted to touch his hair. She wanted to kiss him, and hold him, and caress his hair. She wanted it so much her hands hurt. Instead, she walked away.

"Maybe after the party?" he asked behind her.

"McDreamy has the hots for Mer," Cristina declared, approaching Alex, Izzie, Amelia and George in the hall.

"Lucky little bitch!" Izzie exclaimed.

"Izzie, you're engaged!" Alex reminded her.

"Oh, yeah. Ok, don't tell Danny I said so"

"How do you know it?" asked George, pain clearly written on his face. He had always had a crush on Meredith.

"Try to guess?"

"Nurse Olivia was telling Nurse Debbie," Amelia guessed.

"And you know something, you bitch!" Alex exclaimed.

"I don't. Maybe the nurses know more than me. What were they saying?"

"That they scrubbed in together with a cheesy scrub cap and they flirted with each other. Your brother," and she pointed to Amelia "Even said something about five kids…".

Amelia laughed: that was totally Derek.

"Spill the beans!" Alex hissed.

"My lips are sealed," she said, as their pagers went off. Amelia thought it wasn't the last time she was going to hear about Meredith and Derek getting married, in that hospital, and she was right.