Thanks again for waiting so patiently and for the wonderful feed back. Just a word of warning on this chapter, it does have a scene of bulling in it, and the older boys do treat Johnny pretty rough. The flashback scene is italicized like this introduction is.

The legalese was mentioned at the beginning of the story so please review it there, no use in repeating it here.

Chapter 4

Johnny waved as Joanne, with Roy in the passenger seat, drove past him out of Rampart's parking lot. She had offered to make dinner if he and Erin wanted to come over, but he politely declined offering some excuse about just wanting to get back to his place and take a nap. The trip from the hospital to his apartment he really didn't remember. He drove on autopilot, one minute he was at the hospital and the next he was walking through the door to his apartment and rushing to the bathroom. It hit him like a ton of bricks. The nausea, the stomach cramps, the cold sweats. He sat on the cold linoleum, his arms tightly wrapped around his chest, and his knees pulled up. He had a vague since of someone kneeling next to him calling his name, one hand on his chest and the other on his wrist.

"Johnny," Erin called tentatively as she followed him into the bathroom. Kneeling down next to him she put her left hand on his chest while her right hand went to his wrist. "Johnny, can you hear me?" Respirations 26 and shallow, radial pulse 180 and weak. She didn't have her blood pressure cuff with her, but based on the pulse, it was certainly low. Bringing her hand up to his face she turned his head toward her. His skin was cool and moist, his pupils dilated, his eyes vacant. His whole body trembled. Okay he was most likely in shock, but why? She couldn't remember any trauma accruing to him today and the doctors would have surely noticed something if there had been.

"Johnny, come on Johnny I need you to respond to me." Erin said, speaking a little more forcefully. "Tell me what's going on."

"I," Johnny drew in a shuttering breath and let it out, "I was…. in charge, had to stay in control, had to get Roy back home…. Roy was hurt." Johnny looked at Erin, the hurt and anguish in his eyes overwhelming. "Roy got hurt because of me. I shouldn't have let him come to Montana with me. I shouldn't have let him come to that damn house with me. Strongbow could have killed him!" and with that Johnny leaned forward and lost the contents of his stomach in prayer to the porcelain god.

Erin reached up and got a washcloth off the towel bar and wet it down in the sink. She had to resist the urge to wipe his face for him as one would a child. Not only was he a grown man, but he had been taking care of himself for most of his life, long before any child should have to. She handed him the washcloth and sat next to him. Putting one hand on his back in comfort, she couldn't help but notice the involuntary twitch of the muscles in his back and the slight pulling away, the natural instincts of someone too use to hands dealing harsh punishment instead of support and comfort. As he buried his face into the cool washcloth she heard a mumbled, "Sorry".

"Johnny, there is nothing to be sorry for. You have been through some very traumatic events over the past several weeks. If you have been keeping all that bottled up inside you, then I am surprised you are not lying on this floor babbling like an idiot. It's okay to not be strong all the time. You were strong when it was needed. You got Roy home. He is safe now, you both are safe now."

"But it was because of me that Roy got hurt in the first place." Johnny said as he lowered the washcloth and leaned back against the wall. Eyes closed and head tilted back he let out a shaky breath. "When Strongbow was attacking me, he said that 'I was his to do with as he pleased, and that when he was done he would make sure I was dead'. I remember praying that he would just get tired of his sport and let me live. Then all of a sudden he was no longer attacking me. I knew that he had stopped attacking me because he was attacking someone else, I heard everything, but I couldn't move. I was so afraid that if I moved he would notice me again and kill me. It wasn't until he left that I was able to move. I didn't even know who he was attacking. I remember crawling over to the other person and discovering it was Roy. The next thing I remember is waking up in the hospital with an O2 mask on my face."

Erin reached over and brushed the hair off his forehead. She was intrigued that he didn't flinch when she did that, maybe it was an old remembered comfort that his mother use to do. "From what I was told, and from what I saw when you came in to the ER, you are the only reason Roy is alive. If you hadn't stabilized that knife and kept it in place he wouldn't have survived. Several of the ambulance attendants are talking about you keeping the knife in place instead of removing it and how it saved his life. The two that brought you in, Bill and Jeff, are even talking with Dr Murphy about getting additional training so that they can help the patients better before they reach the hospital."

Johnny just sat there with his head leaned back against the wall, staring into space. Putting her hand on his shoulder, again the ever so slight flinch, Erin gently encouraged, "Why don't you go lay down for a little bit, you must be exhausted."

Drawing in another deep shuddering breath and then releasing it, Johnny nodded his head. Reaching out and clasping Erin's hand he levered himself into a standing position and would have fallen back to the floor if it hadn't been for Erin's arm quickly encircling his waist. Reaching out to steady himself with a hand on the wall, he quietly mumbled an apology again.

"No need to apologize, you just stood up a little too quickly. We'll just stand here for a moment until the dizziness subsides. Let me know when you are ready, no hurry."

After a few moments Johnny nodded his head again, "Okay, I can get it on my own now."

"Uh uh mister, you are not doing anything on your own." Erin said as she stood her ground. "Remember, I am the nurse here and until that blood pressure comes back up and your pulse back down, you are going to let me help you walk to the bedroom and lie down. I do not want to see you pass out on the floor."

Johnny hung his head slightly, "Sorry, just use to taking care of myself"

"Well, you have people in your life now who care about you and who want to help you. You need to start learning how to let them help you and trust that when they do offer to help, that they are not going to hurt you." Looking up into Johnny's face, his eyes were tightly closed and his brow furrowed in deep thought; Erin stood there, not backing away, but also not pressing the issue. Without a word he opened his eyes and transferred the weight of his body from the arm propped against the wall to the one draped over Erin's shoulder. Slowly the two of them exited the bathroom and made their way to the bedroom.

By the time they made the few short steps to the bedroom, Johnny felt as if he had walked a mile. Lying back on the bed, he threw his arm over his eyes, blocking out the light and the world. He would rest for about a half an hour, that's all, he said to himself as the darkness of sleep overcame him.

Erin walked to the door of the room and turned to look at the sleeping figure on the bed. Shaking her head and smiling at how quickly he fell asleep she turned out the light and shut the door. Walking back into the bathroom, she cleaned up the mess and then headed into the small kitchen/dining room/living room area. Looking at her watch she noticed that it was only about 4 p.m., Aunt Rosa should be home. Going over to the couch she sat down and picked up the handset and dialed zero for the operator.

"Yes, I would like to make a person to person collect call to Rosamond Gage, Berkley California, from Erin Shaw" she said to the operator and gave her the phone number. In a few moments her aunt's voice came over the line and accepted the call. "Aunt Rosa, hi, I made it to L.A. We got in about 12 noon."

"How was the trip, dear?" came Rosa's voice from over the receiver.

"It was good, very uneventful. I know Johnny and his friend Roy were both really glad to get home. Johnny is feeling really bad about Roy having been hurt by his stepdad. He got back to his apartment and literally collapsed. I finally convinced him to lie down and he was out like a light." Erin said looking toward the closed bedroom door.

"I'm glad to hear that he is resting. Don't forget to take care of yourself too dear. How long are you planning to stay?"

"I have 7 more days and then I need to fly back. Dr. Murphy said that if I stayed away any longer then that, I would come back to find him committed to the mental wing and the E.R. in a shambles. Are you going to be able to come down before I have to head back?" Erin asked with a hint of hope in her voice.

"But of course dear, do you think I would really miss coming to see you? And I can't wait to meet Johnny. Barbara wants to come too; do you think it would be a problem?" Rosa asked, a little concerned that her and her life partner would not be accepted.

Erin smiled into the phone, "I don't think you should have any problem as far as that is concerned Aunt Rosa. On the way down here I got a chance to know Roy a little better and found out that he and his wife and two kids belong to the Unitarian Universalist Church here. Johnny even goes with them when he is not off hiking somewhere on the weekend."

"Good, I didn't want to make any waves. We hope to head down there on Friday after Barbara finishes with her regulars at the clinic. We'll probably be there about dinner time. Well, I got to go dear; can't wait to see you. We'll give you a call when we get into town. Give Johnny our love"

"Love you Aunt Rosa," Erin said before placing the phone back in the cradle. Heading into the kitchen she investigated the cupboards and refrigerator. It looked like old Mother Hubbard's kitchen, bare. Remembering a small grocery store that they had passed a couple blocks away, Erin grabbed the keys to the Rover and headed out.

Planning out meal ideas in her head for the next couple days, she made short work in gathering the supplies needed, checking out, and heading back to the small apartment. After putting the items away her stomach reminded her that it was getting close to dinner. She debated about waking Johnny, or just letting him sleep. Quietly opening the door to the bed room she saw the still form laying on the bed. The only difference was his arm was now at his side instead of over his eyes. Tiptoeing into the room, Erin gently took the bedspread and wrapped it around him, cocooning him in the warmth of the blanket. Exiting the room she closed the door behind her. After preparing a quick dinner for herself, she settled on the couch to read her book.

Johnny tried to squirm out of the grasp of the larger boys as they slid the flour sack down over his body, pushed his head through the whole they had cut in the top, and tied it securely around his waist, effectively trapping his hands at his sides. They then shoved a rag into his mouth to muffle any cries of protest. One of the boys pushed him hard and he stumbled and fell. With out his hands to break his fall, his head hit the ground leaving him dizzy. He closed his eyes, willing them to just go away and leave him a lone. But as he heard the boys talk he knew that they were just getting started as several of them threw out suggestions of what to do to the "white boy who thought he was one of The People." It had been the first day of school and some of the bigger eighth grade boys decided to have a "little fun" with their favorite target. They had waited for him that evening after track practice and jumped him, dragging him back behind the school's maintenance shack. One of the boys produced a jar of lard and smeared it all over his face and then dumped a bag of flour over his head making his skin "white like it should be". Then another boy produced a string of firecrackers and tucked it into the waist band of his shorts. While one boy held his shoulders down and another held his legs down, the third lit the string. Johnny's body twitched and jerked with the pain of the small firecrackers igniting and exploding on his thighs and groin. The boy holding his legs down released them and stepped back exclaiming, "Aw man, he pissed himself". "Maybe he was trying to put the firecrackers out with his 'fire hose'," laughed another. "Hey I got an idea; let's see if we can help poor Johnny put the firecrackers out. Tuck another string into his pants, I want to see if my 'fire hose' can put them out." "I'm not going to hold him down while you pee on him, besides I want to try too." "Why don't we tie him to the flagpole out front?" Roughly grabbing Johnny and hauling him to his feet the boys dragged him to the flagpole and tightly bound him in place. Producing more strings of firecrackers the boys took turns aiming their 'fire hoses' at him and trying to extinguish the firecrackers. After what seemed like an eternity, the boys left and went home for supper; leaving Johnny tied to the flagpole. It was there that Strongbow found him shortly before midnight, still trussed up in the sack, his face still caked in flour and lard, his clothes now only damp but stinking of urine. He remembered Strongbow cussing him out for not being home to watch out for his sisters. Strongbow had cut the ropes binding him to the flagpole and threw him in to the bed of the pickup truck. Arriving back home he was hauled in through the back door into the kitchen and tossed down the cellar steps. With the sack still restraining his hands by his side he was again helpless to break his fall as his head hit the stairs several times on the way down. The last thing he remembered was Strongbow threatening to deal with him tomorrow as he shut and locked the door, plunging Johnny into darkness.

Johnny woke with a start to a dark room, the door closed, and his hands trapped at his side. His mind went back to the cellar, laying there with his arms trapped, in the dark room and the locked door. Panicking, he tried to wiggle free of his confines. Rolling to the side, the binding got tighter and then all of a sudden he was falling. Unable to stop himself he crashed to the floor. He couldn't cry out despite the pain, if Strongbow heard him then there would be even more pain. Lying quietly on the floor, unable to move, he waited for the pain to subside.

Hearing a loud thump from the bedroom, Erin startled awake from where she had fallen asleep on the couch reading he book. Sitting on the edge of the couch, she listened for a few more minutes; not hearing anything she quietly walked to the bedroom door. Leaning against the door she softly called, "Johnny?"

"'M kay, Amy. Jus fell down. Go back ta bed fore Strongbow catches you." Came the quiet voice from the other side of the door. Erin sighed, and slowly opened the door. Roy had told her that Johnny had been having nightmares recently. She found Johnny wrapped in the comforter curled up on his side. "Johnny, it's just a nightmare. You're okay." Reaching out to put her hand on his shoulder he flinched back, curling tighter into himself. Rethinking her approach she slowly moved her hand to his forehead and gently brushed his hair off his forehead. "Time to wake up Johnny, you're okay now." she said in a soothing repetitive tone.

Slowly his breathing evened out and he rolled on to his back, "Damn." There was a long pause, "I though I was back on the Rez. I panicked because I couldn't get my hands free."

"Here, let me help you get untangled from the covers." Erin said as she reached over and untucked the blanket. Johnny shook the rest of the covers off and sat up with his back against the bed. His knees pulled up in front of him and his forearms resting on his knees. Erin sat cross legged facing him.

Slowly Johnny finished the story, "Strongbow had left me tied up in the cellar and I was afraid he was going to come back and beat me. I was late getting home from school to take care of Amy and Anna because some boys had decided to have some fun at my expense. When they were done, they left me tied up to the flag pole. I couldn't get loose, so that's where Strongbow found me around midnight. It had been a Friday night so Strongbow left me tied up down in the cellar until Sunday evening. I think he wanted to tan my hid when he came down, but because I had been tied up, I wasn't able to relieve myself in the corner like I usually did, so I was pretty filthy. He undid the sack that was holding my hands to my side then told me to go upstairs and into the back yard and strip. He came out a few minutes later and handed me a bar of soap and the garden hose and told me to clean up and then come inside and fix the family dinner. He threw me one of his old stained t-shirts that hung on me like a tent. I fixing the rest of them dinner and then I went back out and cleaned my clothes and hung them up to dry so I would have something to wear tomorrow. After I cleaned my clothes I went back in to clean up the dinner dishes, hoping that Strongbow had left some food for me. As usual, he had dished out all the food to himself and the girls and took some to mom who was on bed rest. Thankfully Amy always left some food behind on her plate."

With all the talking of food, Johnny's stomach grumbled, reminding him he had missed dinner. "What time is it?" He said while rubbing his eyes.

"About 4 am. Why don't we head into the other room and I'll get us something to eat?" Erin said as she stood up and extended her hand to Johnny.

"Thanks," Johnny replied, grabbing the offered hand and standing up. "But I don't think there will be too much in there to eat."

"Don't worry about it," Erin smiled as she headed into the kitchen, "I made a grocery run while you were a sleep.

Soon Erin had eggs and bacon and toast and two cups of coffee made. "So what are your plans for the day?" she asked as they sat at the table.

"Well, I was thinking about going over and visiting a friend who has been away on vacation. She's someone who I should tell about the whole age thing."

"Oh, is she someone special?" Erin said with a sly smile.

"Yes, I … I… me…mean no, not like that." Johnny stammered with a slight blush. "We aren't seeing each other or anything. She's one of the nurses at the hospital who helped start the Paramedic program. Listen, I was also thinking about going over to Roy's to check up on him and say hi to the kids. Do you want to go with me? You could stay and get to know Roy's family while I go visit my friend."

"Sounds like a good plan. Oh by the way I talked with Aunt Rosa and she and Barbara want to come down and meet you this Friday and stay the weekend. She is so excited."

"I can't wait to meet them too. Maybe we could all go check out that property Jack left me. We could have a picnic after and I can invite the guys from the station."

"That would be wonderful." Looking at her watch, Erin stood up and stretched. "After I get these dishes cleaned up, I think I'll go take a shower."

Johnny stood up too, "At the station we have a rule; the person who cooks does not do the dishes. You cooked, I'll clean up, and you go take your shower. There are extra towels under the sink."

"Okay, I can accept that." Erin said as she handed her plate to Johnny, grabbed a change of clothes out of her suitcase and headed into the bathroom.

Johnny gathered the rest of the dirty dishes and as he washed and dried them, he contemplated how to tell Dixie that he was really only 18 years old when they made love and not 22 like she thought.