NICO- My Thoughts are Sporadic, I Act Like I'm An Addict

Nico loved the shadows. He missed the shadows. Contrary to the beliefs of a certain self-righteous son of Jupiter, they had been a welcome companion his entire life. In fact, the farther into dangerous territory this quest took him, the more he found himself craving their protective embrace. Tartarus had been different- a murky halfway point between life and death, containing literally the worst horrors the world had to offer, and Nico didn't miss that one bit…. But there was something about the cold familiarity of the shadows that put Nico in the mindset of much simpler times.

Shadow traveling was like that- it provided a brief respite from, haunting memories, crippling fears, and most importantly, the reality of what he was facing. Now, as he prepared for the last shadow jump before they would have to cross the Atlantic, his entire body buzzed with an uncomfortable energy and he found himself eagerly anticipating the darkness' leaching effect on it.

Reyna touched his arm and Nico jerked away and drew his sword without thinking.

"Sorry, sorry!" she cried, backing away quickly. Her eyes followed Nico in a way that made him wonder what his expression must look like.

He sighed and sheathed his sword. This was the dozenth time this had happened since he and Reyna had set out together. "It's ok. You just surprised me." He paused, then reluctantly continued. "And I'm sorry, too. I wasn't going to attack you, I promise."

Reyna smiled. "I know. It's ok." Nico nodded in acknowledgement and Reyna changed the subject. "How do you feel, strength wise?"

"Good," he answered honestly. "Almost like I have too much energy. Like I-" He broke off, agitated. He couldn't concentrate. He ran a hand through his hair and found himself pressing hard on his scalp in frustration.

Again, Reyna reached out as if to comfort Nico, but withdrew almost instantly this time. Nico shook his head to clear it and dropped his arm. "I'm fine," he assured Reyna before she could ask. "I feel powerful. I mean, not powerful, just- I don't know." He broke off sharply again, distracted by the beating of his heart, his shallow breaths. "Let's just get this over with," he finally spat out, the uncomfortable tightening of his chest making it come out harsher than intended.

Nico clenched his jaw against an angry outburst as he watched Coach Hedge fumble his harness twice before finally clipping in. He could feel his pulse pounding from his chest all the way to his fingertips and toes. He silently reminded himself to breath and counted down from three to give Reyna and Coach Hedge time to brace themselves. Nico forced himself into the darkness, finally feeling himself relax as the seemingly endless void drew an exhilarated scream from his throat.

-o-o-o-o-

It was cold. Cold and loud. As they zipped through the never ending darkness at breakneck speed, Nico could feel the excess energy leaving his limbs as though it were being drained from him. Overwhelmed by sensation, Nico's conscious mind was blissfully empty; he savored the brief glimpse of mental relief he was allotted before steeling himself to return to the normal world.

An immeasurable amount of time later, Nico, Reyna, Coach Hedge, and the Athena Parthenos appeared in the shadow of a cliff overlooking a thankfully unpopulated beach on the northern coast of Spain. As had become predictable over the past few shadow-jumps, Coach Hedge immediately turned green, mumbled something about shadows not being compatible with his fun loving, nature friendly spirit, and sat down with his head between his knees to recuperate.

Much less predictably, Reyna stumbled and fell to her knees, retching, although apparently she hadn't eaten in a while because nothing was coming up. While Nico waited for his companions to recover their strength, he stepped out into the sunlight. For the first time he could remember, he actually enjoyed the feeling- basked in it. The sun glinted off the choppy seawater in the distance making the entire ocean glitter and sparkle. Not for the first time, Nico was rendered speechless in the wake of its beauty.

He drew in a deep breath and felt the oxygen travel to his fingertips and toes. The sunlight warming his face in that moment was the most welcome sensation he could imagine. Maybe after all this was over, he would start spending more time outdoors during the daytime- maybe he would even get a tan. Nico barked out a laugh at the mere thought.

Reyna turned to face him, her expression livid. "What in the name of Hades," she ground out furiously, "was that?"

"Sorry…I wasn't laughing at you, honest!"

"Not that," Reyna said flatly. "This was the shortest jump you've made so far; what could have possibly taken you so long?"

"I… didn't realize it took me any longer than usual," Nico hedged.

Reyna dragged herself into a normal sitting position and surveyed Nico. "You seem fine," she noted with surprise. "Maybe you…"

"Maybe I what?" he prompted.

"Maybe you've… built up a tolerance," she said carefully, in a way that made Nico think she wanted to say something else.

"That's possible," he said anyway. "And I really am sorry. I had no idea it would affect you like this."

Reyna shrugged. "It doesn't usually. I guess it's just from the prolonged exposure. It's fine. I guess it's just…." She trailed off, looking exhausted beyond all measure. "I need to lay down," she muttered as she slumped forward onto the sand. "Make sure you get me up if anything…happens," she mumbled sleepily.

Well, that was…strange. Nico had felt so good a minute ago that he hadn't been expecting to have to rest for more than an hour between this jump and the jump across the atlantic. Not that he didn't still feel good, but it would clearly be unsafe for Reyna or Hedge to shadow travel again any time soon. So they would rest.

Nico settled down with his back against the cliff, a few feet away from his incapacitated companions to keep watch. He supposed a rest would do him some good, anyway. They were a few hours ahead of schedule, and if Reyna was right about him building up a tolerance, then maybe the jump across the Atlantic wouldn't kill him as much as he'd been expecting. The thought brightened him considerably. Maybe he would even be conscious enough to help fight when the final battle inevitably went down. At that thought, Nico almost smiled.

But then what? That was always the question, wasn't it? He dug around in the damp sand, enjoying the cool feeling against his fingers.

Nico thought he knew what everyone else would be doing after Gaea was defeated: Jason would stay at Camp Half-Blood to be with Piper and Leo; that much had been evident since his first couple of weeks at Camp Half-Blood. Percy and Annabeth? Nico knew that Percy had a ridiculous obsession with leading a normal life, and so he was sure that the two of them would be planning on attending high school again. Privately, Nico didn't think they would make it very far; demigods weren't meant to be confined to such a mundane existence, but as always, he would keep his opinions to himself. And as for the rest of the seven, Frank would return to Camp Jupiter with Reyna as her Co-Praetor, and Hazel would follow Frank. But would Nico follow Hazel?

No. It wasn't even a question. Nico loved Hazel, even more than he thought would have been possible, after Bianca. But it would never be enough to hold him anywhere. Nico was on such thin ice as it was- always just barely hanging on to his sanity since Tartarus. The quick, easy getaway that he had imagined on the horizon was sometimes the only thing that kept him going through this brutal ordeal. The thought of taking that away now… Nico shuddered.

Of course, things weren't so bad right now. Between the sun's rays glinting off the ocean's surface, and the smell of salt in the cool morning breeze, Nico felt like he was finally seeing the world for its true beauty. So still and silent, making Nico appreciate it all the more. Truly alone with his thoughts for the first time since before Tartarus, Nico felt strangely at peace with the world. Even stranger, he had felt almost happy a few minutes ago. And so clear-headed! Events and decisions fell into orderly rows of logic in his mind where mere hours earlier, they had been a jumbled mess of confusion and anxiety.

So he would leave. A child of the underworld wasn't meant to spend so much time among the living, anyway- his poisoned relationships with everyone but Hazel were proof enough of that. And even if he could make friends at Camp Half-Blood with Jason or Piper or even Annabeth… well, Nico wasn't sure that was what he wanted. After years of wandering by himself and exploring the worlds of the living and the dead, settling down within the confines of Camp Half-Blood seemed like a prison sentence. Supposing that he was even capable of considering Camp Half-Blood his home, would that feeling of belonging even be worth it? Somehow, he doubted it.

-o-o-o-o-

Hours later, Reyna was showing no signs of waking up, and Nico was drowning in his own restlessness. There were too many thoughts swirling around in his head without actions attached to them. Coach Hedge, who had long ago tired himself out with a very active approach to keeping watch and had since been sitting at the foot of the cliff next to Nico, stood up suddenly.

"I'm gonna go make some calls, kid. Call in a few favors with the wind nymphs, maybe pick up some supplies."

Nico dragged himself back to the present. "Some more nectar would be good, if you can swing it." He nodded towards Reyna. "She'll need it when she wakes up."

The coach nodded and shouldered his pack. "I'm just gonna see what's on the other side of this cliff. I won't go far."

Nico gave a noncommittal shrug. "Just be back before noon. Once the sun gets to our side of the cliff, we're stuck here."

Coach Hedge gave him a mock salute, kicked off his sneakers, and scampered up the face of the cliff like it was the most natural thing in the world.

Nico huffed a sigh. He thought back to when he first saw Percy at Camp Jupiter- lost, scared, and alone, without a single memory from his past life to guide him. Nico could imagine what it must have felt like to finally get those memories back- like the breath of life after being held underwater for too long, reality shifting back to what it should be.

Not the case. Nico never got the chance to really talk to Percy after he got his memories back, so he didn't know what it had been like for him. But for Nico at least, recovering his memories had been even more painful than swallowing the fire-water from the river Phlegethon that had brought them back in the first place.

He now missed his mother more than he possibly could have before because he finally remembered enough of her to have a real concept of what he was missing. Even Bianca's death became freshly painful, now that he remembered every detail about her; now that he had a complete concept of the life she could have lived. But it was even more than that. And in a strange way, he had been right. Recovering his memories was like waking up after a long dream, a dream in which Camp Half-Blood- and the friends and enemies he'd made there- had been a lie, and the only things that mattered anymore were himself, his mother, and Bianca, and avenging their deaths. Destroying the world that took everything from him without him even realizing it.

A memory was suddenly thrust, unbidden, to the forefront of his mind. Crawling toward the bank of the river Phlegathon, broken glass cutting into his skin- his skin burnt raw all over, threatening to disintegrate- throat and lungs charred black- gasping, retching, fighting for air. Then- reveling in the aftershock of healing physically, laid out, gasping on the banks of the river Phlegathon- then Nico remembered. It came back to him all at once in a rush, and suddenly, the eons of rage and hatred and bitterness that his father had passed on to him rose up inside of Nico with a force he wasn't sure he would survive.

And then that was it- such a powerful embrace of his true identity, the son of Death himself, effectively summoned every monster, Titan, or giant in Tartarus. His enemies closed in and he was trapped- lost, alone, and suffocating- in the bronze jar that had so nearly been his doom.

Nico pressed his head back against the face of the cliff. He dug the heals of his hands into his eyes until he saw stars in an attempt to block the memories. Suddenly unable to stay still for another second, Nico jumped up and drew his sword. He briefly entertained the idea of summoning a ghost or two, just for something to do other than claw his own eyeballs out, but he knew he couldn't. He needed to conserve his strength for their journey across the Atlantic.

Conserving his energy. Nico kicked at the ground, sending up a spray of sand around him. That was always what everyone asked of him- conserve, conserve, conserve. Nico wanted action, was desperate for it. Overcome with a sudden burst of pent up anger and frustration, Nico threw his sword javelin style as far away from himself as he could get it. It stuck in the sand a good fifty meters away in a very satisfying manner. In the next instant, Nico was surrounded.

It was as though they had been waiting patiently, maybe for hours, until Coach Hedge had left and Nico parted with his sword. His heart dropped to his stomach and a wave of regret of an intensity he wouldn't have believed himself capable of crashed painfully over him. And yet, as he sprung into action- shadow traveling over to his sword and back again in rapid succession- Nico felt such relief at having something to do again that he could have cried.

Nico swung his sword around in a wide circle, scattering the three- no, four- empousai that surrounded him. He backed up against the cliff and ran through a few battle plans in his head.

"I've been waiting a long time to meet you, Nico DiAngelo," one of the empousa simpered in a sugary sweet voice that was so at odds with her appearance- an absurd combination of animal, bronze automaton, and ghost- that Nico bit his lip to stop his laughter.

"Um, really? How'd you hear about me, then?" Nico raised his eyebrows and let his sword drop a couple inches.

There was a brief tousle over, it seemed, who would be the one to answer Nico's question. One of the demons with fiery red hair finally pushed forward and gave Nico a blazing smile. "Oh, who doesn't know about you, Nico? Your escape in Rome is all anybody's been talking about lately." She was coming dangerously close, but Nico forced himself not to attack just yet. He made his eyes glaze over, hoping with all his might that the empousai were too focused on him to notice Reyna.

"And don't get us started on that little performance of your's in Tartarus," a brunette empousa with truly horrible blonde highlights continued with a high pitched giggle. "The child of the underworld, come home to his roots at last!" She giggled again and her appearance flickered back and fourth between strange automaton/donkey/vampire and high school cheerleader. Well, Nico didn't actually know what cheerleaders looked like, but if they were dumb, blonde, and supermodel skinny with fake smiles, then she was nailing it.

Lucky for Nico, both images were equally repulsive. Also lucky for Nico, none of them seemed to realize this. They pushed each other around some more, jockeying for position. Nico guessed that whoever killed him got some sort of reward from…

"So, um, who do you young ladies work for, anyway?"

The redhead rolled her eyes. "Gaea, silly. Didn't you hear that Hecate switched sides?"

Seeing as how it had been Hazel who helped make that happen, Nico had heard. But he feigned surprise and leaned in eagerly to hear the story. The demon stepped even closer, put a hand against the cliff behind Nico, and leaned in for the kill, baring her fangs.

In one swift movement, Nico disappeared into the shadow of the cliff, reappeared in the shadow of the blonde who was the farthest back, and exploded three of the empousai into dust with one swipe of his sword.

The redhead turned around and screamed in frustration. Nico grinned smugly. "Bet you never met anyone like me before, huh?" He lashed out with his sword, but the demon dodged his strike.

"I heard rumors," she snarled nastily, vaulting over Nico and coming at him from behind. Nico twisted and slashed again, this time hitting her bronze leg with a loud clang that caused Reyna to stir. "Tell me, DiAngelo. Who else knows?" Nico lunged forward and struck her again, but again she danced away. Please, please, don't let her notice Reyna. "Your partner in crime, Reyna," she continued, gesturing over her shoulder to where Reyna was still laying in the sand. "Does she know?"

Nico glowered. "What's it to you? I guess you've never had to fight on even footing before, huh? What are you so afraid of?"

Nico lunged and missed, but this time he tripped and collapsed in a heap on the ground. His eyelids began to close of their own accord. Was this some sort of power of empousai that he hadn't heard of, and worse, wasn't immune to? Was it left over fatigue from the rapid succession of shadow-jumps? He tried to call out a warning to Reyna, but only managed a feeble cough. His last bitter thought before he succumbed to unconsciousness was that he was probably the only gay demigod in the history of forever to die at the hands of a seductress. After the Labyrinth, the battle of Manhattan, and Tartarus, this was a horribly insulting way to die.

-o-o-o-o-

Nico dreamed of the demigods from the Argo II. The seven demigods of the prophecy were gathered around the table in the mess hall, picking at their food and looking unsettled.

"So maybe she does have a weakness," Jason was saying. "Percy, tell everyone the thing about- you know." He looked down at the table awkwardly, but Percy didn't seem to notice.

"About wh- oh, yeah! So I was thinking that, you know, monsters and gods and really everything that's immortal I think-" his eyes flickered briefly to Annabeth who nodded encouragingly- "they all depend on us, demigods, and also mortals I guess, to keep believing in them, right? If we don't, they disappear." He looked around eagerly. "So maybe we could use that to our advantage somehow?"

Jason nodded. "I don't know how we could use that, honestly, but maybe we'll think of something. The important thing is keeping this in perspective- Gaea's not unbeatable. We just have to go about it the right way."

"Give me a lever long enough and a fulcrum on which to place it," Annabeth quoted excitedly, "and I shall move the world."

Leo laughed out loud. "I'll give you a lever long enough and a fulcrum on which to place it- I mean-" he turned red and glanced guiltily at Percy. "Sorry, Annabeth- it was right there, I mean, c'mon, I had to- you know what? I'm gonna shut up now." Leo clamped his mouth shut and tried to avoid everyone's questioning eyes.

"Does anyone else want to know what the heck a fulcrum is?" Percy finally burst out.

"It's the point the lever rests on and pivots around," Annabeth said with a straight face.

"It's not exactly the point of the joke," Leo explained. "It was supposed to be-" Piper glared at Leo and clapped a hand over his mouth to keep him from finishing his statement, but she was holding back laughter.

"Hey, Leo," she said sweetly, "how about you stop talking for a second and let everyone get back on track?"

-o-o-o-o-

"NICO!" Someone was shaking him roughly. Nico spluttered and coughed. He knew a thing or two about death, and thankfully, this wasn't it. He wished he was physically capable of doing anything, even moving, but he felt like he'd been chewed up by Cerberus and spit back out again. "Nico, please!" Reyna sounded close to tears. "We have to go!"

"I…can't," he rasped. Nico couldn't even open his eyes; there was no way he could make it across the Atlantic with Reyna, Hedge, and the statue in tow.

"It doesn't matter where," Reyna pleaded. It sounded like she was clipping the harnesses into place. "We have to get out of here, Nico!"

Nico couldn't think. His head felt like it was splitting open. Blood roared in his ears. But Reyna was gripping his hand desperately and Nico was starting to hear the unmistakable sounds of an army getting too close for comfort, so he let himself fall into the cliff's shadow, having no idea if he would find the strength to bring himself back out.

Author's note:

Thanks for reading, everyone! And thanks to everyone who reviewed, followed, or favorited! This is the chapter I was most excited to write, I absolutely love writing from Nico's perspective. What do you think? Please let me know how I'm doing! Is there a specific point of view that you want to hear from next? Any predictions for what happens next?

I will try to update as often as possible, but unfortunately, about once a month is probably the fastest I will be able to write.