A/N: You guys are really something else, you know that! I'm still floored by the incredible response this story is getting. I'm very humbled. And to the anonymous reviewers who I couldn't send a reply to...thank you very much!
Warning: I know religion is a touchy subject for a lot of people, so this chapter may be a bit dicey for some. Please know that it was not my intention to offend anyone.
This chapter is based on the song "Hero" by Skillet.
Chapter 4 – Hero
.
I'm just a step away
I'm just a breath away
Losin' my faith today
(Fallin' off the edge today)
I am just a man
Not superhuman
(I'm not superhuman)
Someone save me from the hate
.
Hotch heard Rossi's silent plea for God's help. He smiled and chuckled with a cynicism that gave Rossi chills.
"You really want to talk about God with me right now, Rossi? Really?"
"Aaron," he began, but Hotch cut him off.
"No, Dave. You really think God is going to come here and help? He isn't. He already had His chance." Every time Hotch said His name Rossi could hear the contempt in his voice. "He had His chance six months ago, and you know what he did? Nothing. Absolutely nothing." Rossi steeled himself in preparation for the onslaught he knew was coming.
.
It's just another war
Just another family torn
(Falling from my faith today)
Just a step from the edge
Just another day in the world we live
.
I need a hero to save me now
I need a hero (Save me now)
I need a hero to save my life
A hero'll save me (Just in time)
.
"Where was He, huh?" Hotch continued, unrelenting. "Where was He when I was begging and pleading for His help? Begging Him, 'please, please protect them. Please keep them safe so I can bring them home. Please don't let them get hurt.' Where, Dave? WHERE THE HELL WAS HE!"
He threw the bottle of scotch against the wall as he screamed those words. Rossi watched as the bottle shattered and the small amount of remaining scotch ran down the wall and formed a little pool on the floor. Then he looked back at his friend and his heart broke. The tears were now streaming down Hotch's face, finally releasing some of the anger that held his heart. Rossi wanted so badly to help him but had no idea how.
"Why would He put her through that?" Hotch struggled to say. "She was innocent. She never did anything to hurt anyone. Why would He make her suffer like that?"
.
I've gotta fight today
To live another day
Speakin' my mind today
(My voice will be heard today)
I've gotta make a stand
But I am just a man
(I'm not superhuman)
My voice will be heard today
.
"She didn't suffer long, Aaron. She didn't feel much pain." He spoke too soon, realizing as the words left his mouth that Hotch was not talking about her physical pain.
"She suffered worse than anyone should ever have to!" Hotch cried out, wheeling around to face his friend. "She knew from the moment she heard my voice on the other end of that phone that she was with Foyet. She knew that he had tricked her and she was going to die. You don't think she suffered knowing that when she hugged Jack it would be the last time she ever would? She watched him run up the stairs knowing that she would never see her son again, that she would never get to see him grow up. You don't think she suffered knowing that there was no way I would get to her in time? She was terrified, Dave! She stood her ground and stood up to Foyet knowing she was staring her own death in the face, but you and I both know that on the inside she was screaming for help!"
Hotch braced himself on the back of the couch to keep from falling to the ground, completely overcome by this tidal wave of emotions. He took several staggered breaths.
"Why, Dave? Why would He put her through that hell? Why wouldn't He help her?"
.
It's just another war
Just another family torn
(My voice will be heard today)
It's just another kill
The countdown begins to destroy ourselves
.
I need a hero to save me now
I need a hero (Save me now)
I need a hero to save my life
A hero'll save me (Just in time)
.
I need a hero to save my life
I need a hero just in time
Save me just in time
Save me just in time
.
Dave crossed the room to put his hand on Hotch's shoulder.
"I wish I had those answers for you, Aaron, but I don't," he spoke softly. "No one knows why God does things the way He does. But He didn't do those things to her. That blame belongs solely with Foyet."
"He could have done something. Anything. She always believed in Him and He left her to suffer alone."
"Maybe He was protecting your son."
Hotch wheeled around with a renewed fire and an even stronger sadness. "You think He was protecting him? He took away the only constant thing my son has ever had in his entire life! Do you have any idea how horrible his nightmares are now? Do you have any idea what it's like to wake up in the middle of the night and hear him screaming for his mother and know that you can never take that pain away from him? DO YOU! He's just a kid! He should never have had to endure any of this!"
He was nearly sobbing now thinking of the hell his young son had been through. He stopped only long enough to catch his breath. "God is supposed to be all powerful. He can be in two places at once when we can't. He could have helped them both. He could have saved them!"
Aaron finally gave into his sobs and fell completely weak as he again braced himself against the couch. His tears fell like an unrelenting waterfall. His hands shook as he panted for breath. But quickly another feeling took over as his mouth went dry, his face contorted and his breathing changed. Dave noticed.
"Aaron? What is it?"
"I'm gonna be sick." He pushed away from the couch and ran down the hall to the bathroom, slamming the door behind him. Rossi decided not to follow. Aaron did not need him hovering over him. He would only be embarrassed. He would be embarrassed enough in the morning once the alcohol wore off and he realized he'd actually had a witness to his breakdown.
.
Who's gonna fight for what's right
Who's gonna help us survive
We're in the fight of our lives
(And we're not ready to die)
Who's gonna fight for the weak
Who's gonna make 'em believe
I've got a hero (I've got a hero)
Livin' in me
.
Rossi knew this had to be the first time since Haley's death that Hotch allowed himself to confront his grief. He'd remained so strong for Jack that he hadn't allowed himself any time at all to deal with his own pain. He just wished he had the answers Hotch sought. As he listened to his friend coughing and gagging a few feet away, he sat on the couch, buried his face in his hands and let his own silent tears fall. He sighed and spoke quietly to God.
.
I'm gonna fight for what's right
Today I'm speaking my mind
And if it kills me tonight
(I will be ready to die)
A hero's not afraid to give his life
A hero's gonna save me just in time
.
"I don't know what to do. I hate seeing him in so much pain. I want so badly to help him, we all do, but I don't know how. And the one person I would ask for advice is up there with you now. I know he's angry and volatile right now, but please stay with him. I'll do the best I can, but I could definitely use a little help."
.
I need a hero to save me now
I need a hero (Save me now)
I need a hero to save my life
A hero'll save me (Just in time)
A hero's gonna save me just in time