AN: Thanks to all the people who have been reviewing the story, you're all great! Uh.., Usually these are longer than one sentence. Alright well, things are still in that pretty little downward spiral for our favorite very special agent and it will probably continue going downhill for a few more chapters. I'll try to give this chapter some length but I dunno what's going happen with it. So with that said, the story.
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
It was seven in the morning the next time Tony woke up, in a much more peaceful manner than he previously had. Even though he didn't wake up screaming from a nightmare he still had one bitch of a hangover. Great. That was the perfect way to take on Gibbs. Exhausted, hung-over, and generally without answers. Really he didn't even want to talk to Gibbs. It would be easier to explain to Ducky or even Abby but Gibbs…Explaining things to Gibbs was never easy and given the circumstances it was highly unlikely this would be any different.
He didn't remember falling asleep wearing his suit but evidently he had, considering he was still wearing it now. Really it was not good sleeping attire. He also didn't recall lending Abby his gray OSU sweatpants and scarlet Buckeyes shirt but it must've happened at some point considering that was what she was wearing now, sitting in the same chair Gibbs had been in most of the night before. She was uncharacteristically silent and that frightened him just a little. No, fright was the wrong word. Perhaps guilt was more accurate. Yes, he felt guilty for being so damn selfish he didn't even think about what would've happened to the rest of the team had he succeeded in killing himself. That also happened to be the same reason he thought he deserved to die. I'm just too damn selfish.
"Gibbs is trying to work your coffee machine, told me to get him if you woke up. Said he wants to talk to you." Abby says all of this in an even, monotone voice. Probably because if she didn't talk like that her voice would tell him all the things that her words wouldn't and he wasn't sure he wanted to hear that. Aside from the dead tone of her voice there was two other things wrong with what she had just told him, first Gibbs was trying to work his coffee machine- that thing was expensive and damn if he was going to let Gibbs break it- and Gibbs wanted to talk to him. The latter was the more pressing issue; he could just imagine all the things Gibbs would have to say to him, all the questions he would ask. Tony sits on the edge of the bed with his face in his hands, trying to think of ways to get out of talking to Gibbs. Anytime Gibbs was asking to talk something would surely end badly; Gibbs rarely spoke and when he did it was hardly ever more than one or two sentences at a time. Tony had a sinking feeling that he would be getting a lot more than one or two sentences today.
"You're going to have to talk to him eventually." Abby says softly and although she didn't say it he knew that when she said he'd have to talk to Gibbs she meant that he'd owe them all an explanation. Hopefully it would just stay between Gibbs, Ducky, Abby and himself but for some reason he didn't see that happening. He spent the majority of his time around the NCIS team, and that included McGee and Ziva. Oh yes, they would find out. Maybe only if he succeeded the next time, but they would know eventually he was sure. Some secrets just didn't keep well. This would be one of them.
"I know Abs." Tony says with a small sigh. Nobody would look at him the same after this. He knew that for sure. Maybe it would be a good time to leave NCIS. He'd never held onto a job this long before and he had been getting lots of offers from the FBI. Working under Fornell couldn't be that bad could it? It would probably be better for the rest of the team anyways, that way he'd already be out of their lives when he decided to pull the trigger again. He was sure one did not get that close and not try again. He had made up his mind. He was sure that he wanted to die. He should've died. Damned gun. Couldn't fire a single bullet when he needed it to. There was other ways, probably less bloody, grotesque ways. Hell maybe and overdose would be what ended him. At least then he could have an open casket funeral.
"I'm just…really, really sorry Tony." Abby says her voice cracking just a little bit when she said his name.
He hadn't been expecting an apology from her. Or anyone actually. He was sure that they would want apologies from him. Apologies and explanations. Two things he was very bad at. He'd been working through all the ways he could say it, trying to sound sincere, like he regretted more than the gun not firing. He didn't know what she had to be sorry for. Her apology almost made him feel worse, it was just another reminder of all the damage he was causing with this. He didn't want pity. He didn't want sympathy. He just wanted it all to end. No, Abby did not have any reason to apologize. He was the only one who should be sorry. Of course, he couldn't exactly tell Abby that.
"You didn't pull the trigger." Tony says evenly, in a casual tone like he was discussing the weather not a botched suicide attempt. It probably wasn't the best approach he could have taken but in his mind it definitely beat completely breaking down and crying into her shoulders. He wouldn't do that. Not now, not ever, DiNozzos did not cry.
"You're my best friend Tony! You're like an older brother to me and I didn't notice anything! I should've known something was wrong but I didn't. I was just being to selfish to see that something might've been wrong." Abby says, the even monotone long gone and replaced by something that sounded extremely close to tears. He could handle tears, it wouldn't be the first time Abby had cried on his shoulder, but what he couldn't handle was Abby blaming herself for anything. She thought she was being selfish. If only she knew what he was thinking, she wouldn't be blaming herself quite as much. He didn't want her to think the same things that he was. It was a slippery slope he knew all too well. The guilt, the pain, the sorrows. And then you just want it all to end. He wouldn't let Abby get anywhere near what he had. If he had any reason to still be alive that was it; to make sure someone else didn't fall down the same path that he had. He wouldn't wish that sort of pain on even his worst enemy. Well, except maybe Ari. Because that bastard had killed Kate. Kate, just one more person that I couldn't save.
"You wouldn't have notice Abs. It's not like I was going to have a neon sign that says 'suicidal'." Well damn, that came out harsh. Much harsher than he had intended. He didn't mean to say that. It had just slipped out. Sometimes that happened. Now was not a time when he could afford for that to happen. "Shit, I didn't mean that!" He tries to fix his slip up but it seemed the damage was done. Tears were starting to well up in Abby's eyes. Damn it. He didn't want to make her cry.
"I'm sorry Tony." Abby says and tears start to run down her face. He didn't want her to apologize. He should be the one saying sorry not her. He was the one who had made her cry. She hadn't done anything wrong. Of course, she probably just didn't want him trying to off himself again. Maybe that was the plan. Do and say anything to make sure DiNozzo didn't try to eat a bullet. Seemed like a good idea. Too bad his mind was set. They wouldn't be changing that. It was a sad unfortunate truth. But Tony was getting accustomed to those.
Tony was going to try and explain to Abby that she had nothing to be sorry for-although he knew his efforts would be made in vain- when Gibbs walked in carrying a steaming cup of coffee and wearing the same thing he had been when he arrived the night before. He didn't look angry or even disappointed as Tony had expected. He wore a look Tony didn't expect. Sympathy. Understanding. That wasn't right. He should be mad. And then it occurs to Tony. An offhand comment during a case once. A naval officer had shot himself in the head after the death of his wife. Gibbs had said he'd felt the same way. Of course. Shannon and Kelly. With that fresh in his mind his own problems were starting to seem lesser. Self-pity and sorrow was starting to be replaced by what could only be described as shame. There was no other way to put that. Did he regret pulling the trigger? No, he couldn't manage to regret that. But what he did regret was letting it get bad enough that he'd even consider in the first place.
"You alright Abs?" Gibbs asks, focusing on Abby first. Good, at least he had his priorities straight. Help the person there was still hope for first. Is there any hope left for me?
Abby nods her head slightly and wipes her tears away with the sleeve of her sweatshirt. "I'll let you two talk" she says in the quietest voice Tony had ever heard her use. That voice made him feel even more ashamed. Not only was he hurting himself but everyone else as well. At least if he were dead he wouldn't be able to see the pain he was putting everyone else through.
Abby walks out of Tony's bedroom and shuts the door lightly behind her. Tony's eyes flick up to look at Gibbs who was still standing near the door. He meets Gibbs' eyes for just a second then quickly looks away. For a few moments they sat in silence, neither one of them quite knowing what to say. There were no words for a situation like this.
"Long night DiNozzo?" Gibbs asks, using the same tone he would have used had he caught DiNozzo sleeping at his desk. Not a tone that was usually used with someone who had tried to kill himself. Tony appreciated that. He didn't want to be treated differently. Or maybe he did. Would he have pulled that trigger if he didn't?
"I was sleeping alone so it wasn't that long." Tony jokes, a ghost of his usual smile on his face. But at least he was trying. It was a start. The more normal he seemed the sooner he would be left alone.
"Considering the circumstances…" Gibbs says and lets the unfinished statement hang in the air, seemingly suspended by the tension that had suddenly appeared in the room. Tony flinches just a little. So much for trying to seem normal.
"You mad at me DiNozzo?" Gibbs asks suddenly. The question caught Tony off guard; of all the things he would be angry at Gibbs was certainly not on the list.
"Why would I be mad?" Tony asks cautiously, hoping there wasn't more bad news. Of course there seemed to be a lot of that lately so he couldn't excuse the possibility which was rather unfortunate.
"I thought you knew." Gibbs says and he looks angry at himself for having said anything in the first place. Obviously he knew something Tony didn't. Great. Just great.
"Knew what boss?" Tony asks, his eyebrows furrowing.
"I took the firing pin out of your gun."
AN: I've got a four day weekend so chances are lots of chapters!