When he woke, the sun was streaming through the window and he realised it must be morning. He was lying on his back. The sides of the bed were up and the head was raised slightly. He had slept through the night. He had no recollection of how he got into the bed but at least he was in his own room.

Apart from a sore throat and a slight headache, he felt pretty okay. He felt strangely calm. His overriding emotion was relief. He had hit rock bottom. Thinking he had a way out he realized almost too late, that it was no solution. Now the only way was up. As he tried to sit up he noticed the soft restraints.

He sighed and lay back in the pillows. Ah well, if he were the doctor in charge, he would have done the same thing. He was probably on quarter hourly obs. If so, there would be somebody by shortly. He would not have long to wait. Sure enough, less than ten minutes later, Jenny walked into the room.

"So, sleeping beauty has finally woken up," she quipped.

He gave a small laugh. Then he looked up at her and with a frown said

"Sorry."

"Sorry for what Ray?" she fired back rapidly.

He frowned, closed his eyes and said.

"For being so stupid, for causing so much trouble." His throat was a little raspy when he talked.

"You gave my colleagues quite a fright. Why do you say you were stupid?"

"I… I shouldn't have done it."

"Why not?"

"I" he paused for a few moments, "I almost died." He raised himself up on his elbows as the full horror of his actions started to sink in.

"Christ, I almost killed myself! How could I have been that stupid? I don't want to die."

"What do you want Ray?"

"I want… he faltered.

"Well?"

"I just want things to be the way they were before..." he stopped suddenly.

"Before what Ray?"

"Before…" he gulped and couldn't continue. He shook his head and started to hyperventilate. Then he broke down and cried.

Deep painful sobs racked his body.

Jenny raised the bed and held him as best she could without loosening the restraints.

"Sorry Ray, but I can't loosen the restraints until the psychiatrist has seen you."

He nodded. He knew the drill. He didn't expect any special treatment.

He had only himself to blame for his current situation. How could he have been so fucking stupid?

Things had been bad enough without taking an overdose. What had he been thinking? But that was just it, he hadn't been thinking. He had been reacting.

God, if only he could turn back the clock three weeks, he thought as he continued to sob.

Eventually he calmed down.

After a while Jenny asked, "How are you feeling now?", as she wiped his face with a damp facecloth.

"Really tired," he sighed. He closed his eyes and thought for a few minutes. Then he looked at Jenny again and said.

"I don't think I can cope with the physical demands of everything right now."

"What do you mean?"

"It's like, every day; there are new targets before I've achieved the targets from the previous day."

"Is that why you did it?"

He looked at her with a combination of shock and bemusement.

" I don't know…I guess so…

Maybe… I hadn't thought of it like that.

I just wanted everything to stop or at least slow down until I got my head round what has happened to me. I've been feeling more and more helpless since I arrived here. I had reached a point where I could see no hope for the future. I've been totally overwhelmed. I just need to get in a more positive frame of mind and rest up for a bit in order to give it my all."

"But Ray, you cannot just sit around doing nothing and feeling more and more sorry for yourself."

"I wouldn't fell sorry for myself."

"What was yesterday about if you weren't feeling sorry for yourself?"

He shook his head and thought for a while.

"It was despair. I felt completely overwhelmed.

Do you realise, this is my fourth day here and every day I go to physiotherapy there is another task added to my to-do list.

Yet, I have not succeeded in doing one simple task on my own."

The tears coursed freely down his face. "The list is getting longer and yet I can't even take a bloody piss on my own."

He looked at her and said plaintively,

"Nobody has even asked how I'm doing, what I want. All I hear is, keep going Ray, one more you can do it. I'm pushing myself as hard as I can. I always do.

Jenny, I need to experience some level of success some satisfaction before I can feel positive about myself and move forward even if it is only gaining the independence to take a fucking piss on my own." Tears welled up again. These were more tears of frustration. Every so often she took the cloth and wiped them away.

He nodded and continued, "Right now, I just feel exhausted. I need a break for a day or two."

"Dr. Walsh, the psychiatrist will be in to see you shortly. Try to explain all this to him. And Ray …"

"Yeah."

"Sorry I didn't make the time to talk before."

"Maybe, I wasn't in a particularly talkative mood."

"Then someone should have prodded."

He smiled.

"You know what? I feel kinda hungry."

"Well that's a good sign. I'll see if I can get you some cereal."

As she was leaving the room, she saw Dr. Walsh at the nurse's station reviewing notes.

"Good morning Nurse Proctor, I have not seen you in a while. How is my new patient this morning?"

"Not bad, all things considered. He's actually hungry."

"Good. Go ahead and get him something, I have another patient to review first. Has he complained about the restraints?"

"No, he knows the drill."

Dr Walsh looked rather baffled and repeated. "What do you mean?" he said with a puzzled expression.

"Has he a history that I don't know about?"

Jenny responded equally puzzled, "he's an ER doctor."

"What? Why isn't that in his notes? If he's a doctor, we need to be extra vigilant."

"Dr. Walsh, he seems quite open. I think he was simply exhausted and had some sort of meltdown. I don't think this was premeditated."

"Not premeditated! According to the batch numbers, he stole the vicodin from Mercy in Chicago. How much more premeditated can you get. I'd just like to know how they weren't discovered when he arrived. By the way, were you with Dr. Martin when she examined him?"

"Ahm, no."

"Its just I have all his records from Chicago here and your initial work-up is here but Dr. Martin's admitting notes are missing."

Jenny shrugged and shook her head, she really could not help.

"Look, go ahead and get him something to eat, I'll be by, in about ten minutes."

-------------------------------------------

Jenny returned to Ray's room with a bowl and spoon.

"Sorry Dr Barnett, but the only thing I could procure at short notice was Lucky Charms."

Ray smiled, "They're actually my favorites."

"Tut tut Dr Barnett, we'll have to get you on a healthy eating drive while you're here!" Jenny said in mock-horror.

"Some vices you will not cure me of," Ray said with a laugh.

"Ah ha! Any particular reason?"

Ray shrugged, then said a little sadly,

"I've always liked them."

Jenny knew instinctively that there was a story here. But that was a story for a future date.

"Ok, ready, open wide, I don't want to spill the milk."

With that she began to feed Ray.

The good natured banter continued back and forth and the scene seemed almost normal were it not for the fact that Ray was very obviously a double amputee confined to a hospital bed who could not feed himself because he was being restrained to prevent him hurting himself.

James Walsh watched the scene through the glass panel of the door for some minutes. He had known Jenny Proctor professionally for about four years and she had good instincts when it came to a patient's disposition. She had only ever gotten it wrong once about a patient in her care.

Based on what he had seen so far, she was pretty spot on this time.

Whatever had caused Ray Barnett to OD on Vicodin, he was not now exhibiting the classic traits of a young man who had just attempted suicide and failed. James Walsh was intrigued and determined to get to the bottom of this little mystery not least of all how Ray had got his hands on the vicodin.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This story has taken on a life of its own. When I started it was going somewhere else but the muses directed me here. Now I have a general outline but will have to see where it takes me. Thanks for taking the time to read and review.