Shatter Me
C h a p t e r / Four
( Cold )
"Ryuzaki…?"
There was no reply.
"Ryuzaki?"
Again, nothing, save for the frenzied tapping of computer keys.
It seemed, judging by the speed of those agile fingers, that the spindly detective was ignoring Light. Either that or he'd gone momentarily deaf. However, as Light was pretty sure the chance of such an occurrence was sitting in the 0.00001 percentile, it was much more likely to be the former.
And Light didn't like being ignored.
"L," Light hissed.
It wasn't a question. Not anymore.
Instead, it was short and sharp, like a command; the sort of voice Sachiko used when Sayu didn't want to tidy her bedroom.
"Hmn? What is it, Light-kun?" asked the detective, tilting his head in acknowledgement. It was almost as though he'd forgotten he had an alias, though L was no more his real name than Ryuzaki.
"You should be dead by now," Light stated in a blunt, detached sort of way, choosing to take a leaf out of the detective's own book.
It got his attention, at any rate.
"Oh…?" L muttered, thumb finding the inside of his mouth, a sub-conscious gesture brought about whenever he was presented with a difficult problem. Luckily, that was not too often; if he had a lesser mind, his thumb would be non-existent due to that unfortunate quirk. "Would Light-kun care to elaborate?"
Light obliged, leaning back in his swivel chair, one leg crossed over the other. Confident, yet vaguely arrogant. His chosen stance was almost the polar opposite of L's; hunched and withdrawn, like a clam.
"You haven't slept for seven days – eight, if you count today," Light's mocha eyes flickered downwards to his watch. Three o'clock. In the morning. "Most normal people would be absolutely exhausted."
"But I'm not a normal person. I thought that Light-kun, what with high IQ, would be able to deduce that," L said dully, pulling his thumb from his mouth. It was coated in ugly marks, red and raw from constant abuse. With a look of mild intrigue, L raised the thumb back to his lips and began to nibble a hangnail.
"Either way, it's just not healthy to run on so little sleep; you'll tire yourself out," and then, as an afterthought; "I don't suppose seeing Misa helped very much, either. She can be rather loud."
"I thought Light-kun was in love with Misa-san? Surely your feelings for her must outweigh the negative aspects in your relationship. Unless…" L allowed his voice to trail away, face a vacant mask of innocence.
Even with the carefully-placed barriers, Light (Kira) could still read the motive behind the façade.
And it's not going to work.
"Ryuzaki! I know what you're doing!" Light cried, mere milliseconds elapsing before his response. Artificial anger; clenched fists, narrowed eyes. It was all fake, every plastic-perfect millimetre.
Well, ha ha.
My mother would be so proud.
"What is it that Light-kun suspects me of doing?" L inquired sweetly, words laced with some of the saccharine used to flavour his cake and coffee; anything that passed his lips, really.
Light hadn't known he was capable of channelling it through his voice, though.
It was… interesting, to say the least.
"You're testing me again," Light spat, teeth gritted and arms folded. "Using Misa – my girlfriend - as a way to determine whether or not I'm Kira, and I don't like it – I want you to know that, although… I doubt that would make you stop. But…" A sigh, fingers running through auburn hair. It was getting long again. "But I'm not Kira. I'm not."
"Light-kun is playing like a broken record. He seems incapable of saying little else. However, not even Light-kun can deny the fact that he does not love Amane-san. He said it himself."
Another sigh.
"Initially, no; I didn't love Misa. I thought she was rather obnoxious. But over the past few months I've… I've started to feel affection for her. She risked her life for me – and the investigation, I suppose. She just grew on me."
Like some horrible, constricting fungus.
Being with Misa was like being smothered; in her arms, pressed against her lips, fingers in her hair. Strong perfume. Chains. Metaphorical, of course. Even so, Light didn't like being bound to anyone – the fashion model nor the detective – because Gods should be above all that.
He would be above all that.
Someday…
"But Light-kun…"
"Yes?"
"If you care for Amane-san so much, why were you defending me?"
It was a carefully constructed sentence, devoid of shakes and stutters, seeming almost… Absent-minded, somehow. Almost as though L was asking about the weather.
And, Light mused, if he wasn't brilliant (which was not arrogance – it was the truth) he may have been taken in too.
But I'm not like everybody else.
I know how long you've been wondering that, and I think you know I know as well – you're chewing your thumb again, and looking…
Worried? Anxious? Scared?
No.
Apathetic.
But I wonder what's behind that apathy. If I was to peel all that useless dead skin away…
Over the past week, you've had nothing else to ponder; no new victims of Kira, no more evidence. After Higuchi died everything just stopped. Just as planned. And you're floundering. You want me to be Kira, but you can't find any proof – and even if you could, the others wouldn't listen to you. Matsuda? Ha. And my father? No. You don't have a chance.
You've been working yourself to death, looking for new information, watching Misa. She's not helping, either; putting on make-up, singing in the kitchen, talking to 'Reiko' and 'Chou' and 'Haruka' on the phone – and of course, all of those are tapped, but long, long, l o n g talks about mascara and lip-gloss aren't exactly helpful for the investigation.
So there's nothing left to ponder except why I'm being so 'nice' to you, and doubtless you think this is one of Kira's new schemes, but…
But my plan's working.
I have control of your mind.
In the end, I'll also have your body.
The detective was curled up on himself like a cat, back arched. If Light tilted his head a little, he could see vertebrae ridged painfully through the back of his white shirt; sickly and malnourished and angles all over, as though he were a being made primarily from elbows and awkward joints. It was strange, how he managed to stay so stick-thin despite all the cakes and sweets he consumed…
("I don't like sweets! They're fattening!"
"But if you use your head, you can eat sweets without gaining weight.")
Light smirked, mocha eyes flickering over the still detective with something akin to triumph.
("If you care for Amane-san so much, why were you defending me?"
Breathing – in and out, in and out; fingers clenching, eyelashes fluttering and hands through hair. Light turned his head, staring at the floor.
White.
So very white.
Almost like a hospital.
Just like that time his dad had a heart attack. Just like that time – years and years and years ago – that Sayu had been ill, dangerously ill, and Light had been waiting outside then, hand-in-hand with Sachiko, eating his way steadily through a packet of skittles and watching the clock – and he'd never really liked sweet things since…)
It was strange how much meaning was placed in words. They were only sounds - fairly primitive. Any animal could make noise.
That didn't mean it held any importance.
So why was it so important, then? How could something so basic affect creatures so advanced? It didn't really make any sense. Then again, killer notebooks and shinigami… That wasn't even real; or at least, wasn't meant to be, like some sort of twisted fairytale.
("It is strange to see Light-kun lost for words," L remarked, blank eyes staring. "Normally, he never shuts u-"
"Okay! Okay, Ryuazki."
A pause.
"L. The reason… The reason behind that – all of that – is…"
Inhale.
Exhale.
Inhale.
Exhale.
Inha-
("Because I really do think you're my friend!")
And L's eyes had gone large – larger than normal, at any rate – and he had said that this was a trick, one of Kira's new plans because obviously, obviously, Light did not mean that.
Light was a good actor, but L would not be his audience.
And…
(Inhale.
And.
Exhale.
And.
Inhale.
And.
Exha-
"No. I do mean it. You don't have to believe me. I mean, we seem to spend all our time arguing-"
A nervous laugh
"-but… But you're the only person I can talk to on my own level. Misa's not as intelligent as you, and all her arguments dissolve into childish name-calling. You're childish too, of course, but…"
Inhale
" I know you think I'm Kira, but when you said I was your first ever friend, it was the same for me too. I can't even talk to my family, not like I can talk to you; not my parents, not Sayu – definitely not Sayu, and…"
Exhale
"I like our conversations and our arguments and I… I like you as well, Ryuzaki. I value your company. Truly."
Inhale
"And I don't want you dying because of insomnia or anything."
A sigh…
"That's all.")
The detective had protested. Of course he had. Light might like Ryuzaki but Kira was the enemy and L would (had to) catch Kira and oh, it was all rather confusing but so straightforward really, and Light had to wonder how many people were actually in the room, how many people were in Ryuzaki's head.
("Light-kun is my first ever friend."
but…
"Light-kun is Kira.")
Even when Light had finally coerced the detective into bed (because Light-kun might be Kira, but L was definitely tired) he did not shift from his habitual crouch, thumb in mouth and eyes large.
Empty.
He didn't want to go to sleep.
(Light-kun is Kira.)
He didn't want to be vulnerable.
(Light-kun is my first ever friend.)
But Light had shifted on his side, eyes closed and breathing slow, steady, because L had finally succumbed to fatigue, believing in his victory for those few split seconds before his head hit the pillow.
Light smiled once more, red lips and pale skin, arms encircling the detective as though claiming him; fingers in his hair, face, chin, neck, doodling hearts and tracking shapes.
It was an odd, half-formed thought, fleeting – like April runs into May – but, for a few seconds, the limp detective's skin seemed impossibly cold…
Just like a doll's.
a.n: this update was so late, and late updates are really uncool D: i'm sorry! i was just busy watching paranoia agent in all my free time xD has anybody seen that series? it's pretty damn awesome. they should totally do a sequel and call the main character shounen hockey-stick –giggles- it could REALLY catch on xD –has a lame sense of humor-
i blame all spelling/grammar errors on the fact that i was wearing a misa wig while writing this. and, yanno. it is sapping my iq xD