Clouds in my coffee - Chapter Four.
Welcome back, ladies and gentlemen. Well, lately I'm working really hard on this fic, and I have some nice ideas. Of course, if you would like to see something, let me know :D. You may want to look for Celine Dion's song "To love you more" before reading, and play it towards the end of the chapter (I'll say when it starts!). This is the longest chapter ever, but I didn't want to split it, so take your time. Enjoy.
Ps: I made Dr. Caroline Callink up, she's not real.
4th month
"I am sure Maura will take good care of you, Jane!" Dr. Callink exclaimed. Jane stared uncomfortably at her lap, trying to avoid the Doctor's gaze. They were at Jane's second appointment, a few weeks after the first one.
"I will for sure, Caroline. Thank you very much, and I guess we'll see each other next month." Maura answered politely, shaking Dr. Callink's hand.
"Of course, Maura. Maybe we'll be able to see the sex of the baby, then. Have a nice day, girls!" She waved to the two woman with a big smile and headed back to her study, closing the door behind her.
"Bye." Jane mockingly waved.
"Jane, behave." Maura admonished.
"Why Maura, I don't like her. She's.. she's a blabbermouth." Jane spitted, walking out of the hospital.
"Jane, come on. I am a googlemouth, she's a blabbermouth.. Just, stop. And, I really can't understand what's wrong with her. At your first appointment last month you seemed to like her quite a lot." Maura shook her head irritated while she looked for the car keys in her purse.
"Well, I did like her, before she started asking too many questions today." Jane said, approaching Maura's Prius.
"They were just that, Jane. Questions. She didn't forced you to answer."
"There were no need, you answered them all for me." At those words Maura turned to face Jane, before getting in the car.
"Jane, are you trying to tell me something?" Jane simply stared at her, frustrated.
"No, Maura. I'm sorry. It's just.. I don't want you to go around and tell people that I don't want to talk to my father's child, and that you, my best friend, are helping me in this hard times, because I don't want my family's help. It's not.. " Jane abruptly opened her car door.
"It makes me look like a terrible mother, before I'm actually one." She said, getting into the car and not waiting for Maura's answer.
"Jane." She heard her friend calling. Jane ignored Maura for the rest of the drive. When they got in front of the BPD, Maura parked the car and turned to face Jane.
"Jane, could you please listen to me?" She paused. When Jane didn't look at her, she spoke again. "I am sorry, Jane. If I made you uncomfortable today, I apologize. I was just trying to be nice. And helpful." Maura couldn't help but notice the little grin on Jane's face.
"Okay, Maura." Jane turned to face her friend. "I am sorry too. I really wanted to know the sex of the baby you know?"
"I know Jane. But, as Caroline pointed out, you can not foresee the position the baby would assume during the first months of a pregnancy. You're barely at the fifteenth week, there's time." Maura reassured.
"But, what if he doesn't turn? What if I'll never know if he's a she, or a he? God, I don't know how to name him. Her. Dammit!" Maura chuckled silently, looking at Jane's monologue. She reached for her hand.
"Jane, what about I fix you some dinner tonight? You can come at my place when you're done with your work here. I've heard you got paperwork to finish." Jane rolled her eyes.
"Yeah, I guess so. Since I told Korsak and Frost, they kind of relegated me to that. It's boring."
"Oh, Jane. But they've been so nice. Don't be upset with them, they just want you happy. We all want you happy." Jane looked into Maura's eyes and opened the car door. Before getting off, she addressed Maura one last time.
"You want me happy, Maur? Then you'll better waiting me with a pizza and no chess tonight." And with that, Jane closed the Prius door behind her and walked into the BPD.
Dlin-dlon
Maura quickly rushed to the door, not bothering to put her shoes back on and stepping on the cold floor.
"Hey!" Jane greeted her, stepping into the house. "It's got a little colder tonight, huh? Not much for a spring day, I guess!" She smiled, handing a bottle of red wine to Maura.
"Jane, you know you can't drink."
Jane shrugged, grinning.
"Just because I can't, doesn't mean my guardian angel can't too." Maura laughed, gesturing for Jane to follow her.
"And since when would I be that?" Maura inquired, opening the fridge in order to keep the wine cold.
"Be what, shoeless? What happened here?" Jane asked, looking at Maura's feet.
"No, your guardian angel! Anyway, nothing happened, I was just doing a little yoga while I waited for the pizza to be ready." Just then Jane the smell of pizza reached Jane's nostrils. She walked slowly to the oven and peeked inside.
"Oh my God! Maura, you cooked pizza for us?" Maura nodded, smiling, and checked the temperature of the oven.
Jane's eyes were sparkling.
"So, you really had nothing to do today, huh?" Maura had started to set the kitchen counter.
"Just paperwork, which I finished very early this afternoon after the visit. And you?" She asked, handing Jane two white plates for the pizza.
"Nothin' fun. Ah, Tommy and Frankie stopped by. They got me Ma's pancakes. In. The. Middle. Of. The. Afternoon. What do they think I am, Maura? A pig?" Maura laughed at unusual choice of food. "I think they're just trying to be nice. Since you told them, Frankie has been spending a lot of time asking me what he could do for you." That earned a frown from Jane.
"Really? I would have said it was Tommy, after what he told me.." Maura nodded, checking the pizza again. "You'll tell me about it later. I think it will be ready any minute. I'll go look for my shoes."
Maura left the kitchen and left Jane with her thoughts.
Her brothers really took her pregnancy well, when she told them. Even if they wanted to know what would Jane do about Casey, they had been very careful with her feelings. Especially after Jane bursted into tears in front of them, because they seemed to be okay with the idea. When they made their way out of Jane's apartment, Tommy asked Frankie to wait for him in the car, and turned to face his sister.
"Jane, I know this is none of my business, but.. seeing that Casey's not around, is Maura going to grow up this child with you?" Tommy asked. Jane looked at him, blankly.
"What do you mean?"
"Well, you know.. You've always been so close.. Maybe, I'm just saying, you could both be mums! Hey, that would be awesome! I would pay to have two beautifyl mothers as you would be! God, Jane, you could call your child JJ." Tommy was so excited, his eyes were sparkling. "Jay-jay." He repeated. Then something hit him.
"Oh my Godness, Jane. You could call your child MJ. You know? Like Michael. God, I'm so jealous." He exlaimed. Looking at his sister, he realized she wasn't as excited as he was. "What, Janie? MJ, like the king, Michael Jordan!" Jane snapped, getting up from the couch.
"I know who Michael is, Tommy. Now please, stop blabbing and go away." Jane took her head in her hands, sighing.
"All right, all right.. Just.. Think about it, Jane. Don't do what I did with Lydia." He suggested, blinking.
"Tommy, this isn't the same. I am the pregnant one here!" She shouted, frustrated.
"Then, sister, don't let Maura do what I did with Lydia." Tommy answered, walking to the door.
"God, Tommy, what are you talking about? Just leave." But Jane knew exactly what he was talking about. Every night, after getting back home from Maura's, or after having spent the night with Jo in her apartment, she used to think about how life got simpler, yet messier. Yeah, she was pregnant with Casey's child. But she had her family's and her colleagues' support. And, of course, she had Maura's support. Instead of turning against her and blaming her, she had helped Jane every day, with a smile, with a snack, with a hug. Maura had smiled to her when nobody else had, she had listened to her cries, wiped away her tears. Jane was so thankful for her.
Jane had been thinking a lot about Tommy's words. But in that moment she chose to leave it alone and enjoy her dinner with Maura. Her pizza was delicious, being the first time she had ever cooked it.
They talked about the case they were doing paper work about, and they talked about the two visits they had with Dr. Callink. Maura explained Jane that she was an old College friend, and that she trusted her opinion a lot.
After dinner Maura opened her laptop to check some e-mails, and the two women ended up looking for pregnancy advices. Maura showed Jane her researches, which included, apart from the yoga class they were already attending twice a week for Jane's breathing and self-control, food suggestions, a list of healthy tests for the fetus and a lot of remedies for pregnancy unease. As soon as Jane read the words "Back soreness? Try with a relaxing massage!", she felt her legs go weak. In the last week she had suffered a lot, but she was realizing it just now.
"I think right now I could enjoy this massage thing." Jane nonchalantly said.
"Would you? Really?" Maura asked, looking up at Jane, who seemed uncertain.
"Uhm.. Yeah..."
"Well, I could do you one!" Maura exclaimed, getting up. She quickly gestured for Jane to sit on a footstool in the middle of the living room, and went looking for some balm.
Jane tried to object, but Maura was already gone. So she patiently waited, trying to ignore the sound of her heart pounding in her chest. 'Come on. There really is nothing wrong with this. This is just your best friend giving you a massage. Your doctor best friend.'So why it seemed like her heart was about to blow up? All she could think of was the headline of the article she had just glimpsed online. -Is your partner not satisfying you during your pregnancy?-"Oh, no. God, not at all." She said out loud.
In that moment Maura came back, oil in a hand and a sponge in the other.
"No, what Jane? You don't want me to give you a massage anymore?" She asked, politely.
"What? No, no, I was just talking to myself." Jane waved her hand and Maura got closer to her.
"Okay. So what hurts you?"
"Mmh, Neck, and back, I guess. Oh, and my shoulders too. It's like I've been lifting up weights all day."
Maura reflected a bit. "I guess we can start with your neck and shoulders. Then, we could move to the bedroom and think about your back."
"The bedroom?" Jane inquired, blushing slightly. God, she never, ever, blushed for so little.
"Yes, Jane. It will be easier for me if you lay down to massage your back. Now, turn." She demanded, and Jane turned so that Maura was behind her.
"Jane, are you wearing an undershirt?" Maura asked while she spread some oil in her hands.
"Yes, why?"
"You should take this shirt off, so that I can feel your skin better." It took Jane a while to do what she was asked, because those words hit her. She really wanted Maura to feel her skin, in every possible way. Wait. These thoughts again. What is wrong with you? She took her shirt off and rolled it into a ball into her lap. She nearly fell from the footstool when she felt Maura's hands around her neck. They were gentle, yet firm, warm, but refreshed by the balm. They were exactly like Maura's personality, and Jane loved the way they felt on her sore neck.
For some time the house remained silent, the only noise coming from the jingle of Maura's watch with a bracelet every time she shifted her hands.
"Maura? Can we.. I don't know. Turn the radio on?" Jane suggested, the silence grinding on her.
"Sure." Maura answered, walking to her stereo and turning the music on. A soft tune filled the room, and returned to Jane's neck.
"So.. What were you saying about Tommy before?" She casually asked.
"Mmh.. Well." It was really hard to focus, all Jane could think of was the soft touch of Maura's hands and the soothing feeling they gave her.
"Jane?" Maura stopped, worried about her friend's reaction. Jane was really, really acting strange.
"Don't stop! I, well.." She tried to speak, felling Maura's hands move again. She managed to emit just a few sighs, at complete loss of speech.
Maura waited a few minutes for Jane to elaborate, lowering her hands and massaging Jane's shoulders. When the dark-haired woman didn't resume her sentence, Maura dropped her hands again.
"Jane, please, talk to me. You've been acting this unintelligible way since you found out that you're pregnant. At first I thought it was just because you were afraid of your family's reaction, but they're all okay with that. And then I thought the problem was Casey, which of course it is, but I really can't understand why you just don't simply call him, instead of always coming here and letting me assume everything and try to comfort you!" Maura's words were full of worry for her dear friend. Jane had turned her head, so that she could look into Maura's hazel eyes.
"I.. I don't know, okay? I know I've been hard, and that dealing with me in this state hasn't been easy."
"At all, Jane." Maura remarked absentmindedly.
"Okay, thank you, I got it." Jane turned again her back to Maura.
"Ah, and for the record, Tommy asked if you intended to growing up this child with me." She waited a moment, and then she added: "Now, could you please go back to my massage?" While she spoke those words, she heard a familiar song beginning on the radio. It remembered her of all the times her Ma used to listen to one of her stupid pop music cd's at Sundays, while she cleaned up the house. Celine Dion.
Maura was speechless. She didn't know what to say, so she simply went back to Jane's shoulders.
"Do you, Maura?" Jane's voice was barely audible.
"I.. Jane, I don't know what you expect me to say. This is not my child, this is something between you and Casey." At those words, Jane turned quickly to face Maura.
"What if this is not about Casey, Maura? What if I don't want him to be part of our lives?" She snapped.
"What do you mean?" Maura was rubbing her oily hands together, trying to understand what Jane wanted to say.
"I mean, that with him everything is complicated. I've told you more than once that I don't like domestic, and he's all domestic. A child would be domestic. I don't want domestic. I can't do that." She paused, looking around.
"But you know what, Maura? I am domestic. I've spent all my life not wanting to be domestic around someone, but I am. With you, I am." Maura couldn't hold back a gasp at Jane's words. Of course she knew, but she had figured that Jane knew as well, and that this was a mutual choice. She let Jane in, for the first time, she let Jane hug her when she was upset, she let Jane see her cry. But she thought that it was just something that best friends do, she had never thought it was something Jane could accuse her for.
"And, why is that bad, Jane? I thought this was what friends do." Maura couldn't hide the hurt in her voice.
"This is bad, Maura, because.. I see what you mean when you say that I've been acting strange. I'm acting strange, because I don't want to talk to Casey, and I don't want him to be part of my life.." Jane stood up, facing Maura. Even if the honey blonde woman was wearing heels, Jane was still a little higher that her. That was something that always got to Jane's head.
"And this, this is all because.. Because.." At a loss of words, Jane took Maura's head in her hands. "This is all because of you, googlemouth. Because with Casey nothing had never been as simple as with you. I.. I couldn't stand growing up this child with him, when I've seen how it would be with you."
"You did?" Maura asked softly, looking into Jane's dark eyes.
"I did. The way you treat me, the way you take care of me in every way. You're the only one who could do that, you know? I would have never allowed Casey to tell me what to eat, or beat me at chess, or to.. to massage me!"
"Jane, that's just because I'm a doctor and I know where to put my hands."
Jane smiled, stroking Maura's left cheek with her scarred hand.
"I would have never let him, Maura."
"Jane, I don't think we.."
But Jane wasn't listening to her. She was listening at the song that had started a while ago. Of course she knew that song. It was one of Ma's favourite, she used to sing it a lot in the past.
"I'm the one who wants to love you more." She softly sang along, her voice raspy. Her eyes were lost in the green ocean of Maura ones. She had brought her face impossibly close to Maura, she could feel her cold breath against her parted lips.
"You can see I can give you everything I need, let me be the one to love you more.." The singer went on singing. But Jane wasn't singing anymore. At those words, Jane was paralyzed. She stepped back and saw the shocked expression of Maura's face. What was she doing? She was about to… kiss her best friend? She wanted to .. love her best friend?
She had nothing to give her. Nothing, apart a broken woman and a child. Child, that was causing her so many problems, without even being born yet. Something was really wrong with her, and Maura's face was the living evidence.
Jane simply walked to the door and left the house.