Disclaimer: I don't own LoZ.
As promised, a chapter on exactly why Midna hates the VOICE! For this chapter, we go back in time to the first time she ever heard the VOICE, when she and Link were stealing the Ordon Sword and Shield. This contains not so much fish humor as humor in general, but still, enjoy!
Frogs
It was the dead of night in Ordon Village, and Wolf Link was walking around, unseen in the shadows, bent on stealing the Ordon Sword and Shield. It was certainly something he thought he'd never do.
He heard Midna giggle as he surprised Hanch from behind, scaring him and his hawk. She watched Hanch jump into the Ordon River with amusement, and then floated over to the water wheel, beckoning to Link. Link jumped, steadied by her strange hand, and then made another jump for the roof. Link walked into the house through the window, and looked around from the balcony.
He jumped down to the table, and Midna abruptly jumped out of his shadow, pointing at the far wall. "Eee-hee! Found it! Found it!" She cheered, before flying up to the wall and motioning for Link again.
For the third time, Link jumped, and he looked with confusion at the shield on the wall. How was he supposed to get it down?
After a moment of thought, he rammed the wall. It began to swing loose. After another hit, it fell to the floor, clanging a little bit too loud for the two to be comfortable.
Wolf Link walked over to the shield and held it above his head.
You got the Ordon Shield! a soundless VOICE suddenly proclaimed. Press L to defend yourself, but beware: if it's touched by fire, it will burn.
"What said that?" Midna asked, looking around the room suspiciously. "Who's there? What heck does it mean, press L? How did it know what it was and that we were here? And above all, how is it a voice without sound??"
That's VOICE in all capital letters, thank you, the mysterious VOICE suddenly said. And if pressing L is beyond your puny mortal understanding, then don't listen to me. It doesn't apply to you anyway.
"Hey, I'm the one who's going to be using them!" Midna shrieked everywhere. "Link can't use them when he's a wolf! And I don't care if you're the voice or the Voice or the VOICE, don't you dare try to tell me something is beyond my understanding, you stupid ghost-thing!!!"
"Midna, be quiet!" Wolf Link growled, flicking his ears everywhere warily. What if the villagers had heard?!
"I want to know what exactly that voice is doing and why it's here. And I will not go until I get those answers!" Midna yelled at the ceiling.
Then you're going to be here until you die! the noiseless VOICE said angrily, seeming to originate from under her this time.
Midna shrieked again, and made a sort of grab for the ground beneath her feet. All she managed to do was fall on her head as she tried to grab at the air.
The VOICE laughed soundlessly at this failure, before fading into an even more absolute silence.
Midna stood up, apparently angry. It was hard fore Link to tell, but seeing as her face was a bright gray instead of the normally calm black and pale green, he assumed that this was the color she turned when she was angry. He was right. Midna was shaking with anger, and as she rose into the air, she took a deep breath, opened her mouth, and screamed the loudest, most angry scream anyone in Ordon had ever heard. Not to mention it froze everyone in place with an unexplained fear.
However, after it was over, Link heard Bo shouting, "What was that?!" and he and Jaggle came running into the house, looking all over the place.
Link growled lightly before jumping out the window and splashing into the river.
"What was that?" someone else asked.
Uli and Rusl looked away from their doorstep out at the river.
"It might have been the children... I must search one last time! Get inside the house; the sword is on the sofa," Rusl said.
"But dear, your injuries..." Uli protested.
As the two argued, Link swam upriver and growled lightly at his shadow. It shifted slightly, showing Midna shrugging her shoulders, but even in the darkness she was still shaking with anger.
"You idiot!" he growled, "We could have been caught! You think the villagers aren't prepared for things like wolves? We live in the woods!"
"That thing is not natural!" Midna hissed, jumping up from Link's shadow. "It isn't a plant, animal, or magical inanimate object. It talks, but it has no mouth and makes no noise! It goes against nature! An intelligence not limited by a body! And I'll bet it follows us. Just you wait, when we get that sword it will come back. And this time, I better find out exactly what it is!"
"Would you just stop?!" Link snapped. "I've heard it before, and it didn't do anything then. It probably can't hurt us if it doesn't have a body, and it doesn't have a reason to. So just calm down and accept it!"
"Hmph," Midna grumbled, folding her shadowy arms across her chest and diving back into shadow.
Link was now at the creek by Rusl's house. He didn't want to frighten Uli, and he was sure if she called out, Rusl would be there before he could blink. He paced around, looking for another way in.
Giving himself over to his new wolven senses, he focused on a hole leading into the side of the house. As quietly as he could, he walked up the hill, circled the house, and dug underneath.
Link's snout gratefully received air as he emerged on the inside, and he shook the dirt off his fur, hoping Uli wouldn't notice. And there, on the sofa on the opposite side of the house, was the sword. Link dashed to the sofa and picked it up, lifting it over his head.
You got the Ordon Sword! This is a sword crafted by Rusl, the best swordsman in Ordon, as a tribute to the royal family. Attack with B and sheath with A.
"ALL RIGHT!" Midna yelled, jumping out of the shadow. "You are going to listen to me, you VOICE, if you can, without ears!!"
Wow, you are awfully moronic... the VOICE muttered noiselessly. If I heard you last time I could hear you again. You are either extremely forgetful or unbelievably ignorant. Actually... you're both.
"How dare you?!" Midna screamed, turning gray again. "I did not forget, and I noticed before! Now, answer me! What exactly are you?! Who exactly are you?! And WHY ARE YOU FOLLOWING LINK AND ME?!"
That's for me to know, and you to find out, if you ever calm down enough to get an intelligible word out of that gaping mouth of yours, the VOICE said mutely.
Midna was shaking with rage again, on the brink of white-faced. she opened her mouth again, and...
"FUUUUUUUCK YOOOOOUUUUU!!!!" She yelled, zapping her magic hair-arm at everything, shooting energy balls everywhere, flying around the room, screaming at the top of her lungs with anger in a vain attempt to kill the mysterious VOICE without a body.
Meanwhile, the VOICE was laughing hysterically. How can you hope to kill me if I have no body? How do you know I can be killed? What if I am not alive?
To which Midna responded with, "FUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOU!!!"
And then, just as it seemed things couldn't get worse, what with a shadowy Midna flying around the room tearing down the cottage from the inside with a VOICE laughing at her from everywhere at once and a wolf cowering in the corner, attempting to escape, Uli opened the door.
Wolf Link and Shadow Midna froze in their places and stared at Uli, who stood gaping. It was rather hilarious. Link, who had tucked his tail under his legs in fear and backed up against the wall in a ball shape, poked his snout out from his awkward fetal position, looking for all the world like a domestic dog who knows it has done something that would upset its owner. Midna, shadowy arms outstretched, with energy balls still firing from them unconsciously, was hovering as a black mass in the center of the wreckage and burning walls. And the VOICE, who seemed to be able to see all this, laughed at the top of its silent lungs, which caused Uli to turn white and faint out onto the porch.
Rusl was at her side before Link could blink.
"Uli? Uli!" he yelled. Only then did he notice the crackling of fire and splintering walls, and the imp and the wolf and the VOICE. At all of these he glared. With a war yell, he raised his sword over his head and charged what he deemed the most susceptible object to damage in the house: Wolf Link.
Just then, a burning timber from the cottage's roof fell and landed of Wolf Link. The poor dog yelped and frantically turned into the wall, still curled in fetal position, digging for his life as his fur got singed by the flames, accompanied by a flurry of blows from Rusl. Midna, still a slightly gray-with-anger shadow, gave the VOICE one last threatening scream, freezing Rusl in place. The VOICE laughed its strange muted laugh again, causing Rusl to pale, too. However, after Midna's final volley of shots at the cabin, she stopped screaming and followed Link out the dirt hole.
Link was busy rolling in the creek, trying to put out the flames on his fur coat and soothe the burns on his body. Midna silently hovered above him, still slightly gray. She watched as Rusl ran out of his house, carrying Uli with him.
By now all of the villagers were trying to help Rusl douse his house, but their efforts were in vain; with much crackling, snapping, and popping, the house succumbed to the fire. Midna, glaring silently at the burning building, slowly lowered herself into Link's shadow.
Rusl turned to the creek, where he saw the very meek-looking Wolf Link.
"That creature did this! Get it!" he yelled, charging Link.
With another yelp, Link ran to his house as all the remaining villagers chased him.
Once the villagers gave up, Midna jumped out of his shadow. "At least we got the sword," she said meekly, seeming to be guilty of her extensive damage.
A scorched Wolf Link glared wordlessly at her. Then, he walked back to the village.
"Hey! What are you doing?!" Midna hissed. "We can't go back! Hey! Are you listening to me?! Link!!"
Link ignored her pointedly, having a strange image of an erratic fairy pass through his head for a moment. He shrugged it off, limply quietly towards the creek.
"Midna, could you get my fishing rod?" Link asked.
"I can try..." she said doubtfully. "But what do you want with your rod, Link? We have to go to Faron Woods!"
"I want to try something," he said.
Midna sighed; she fished for his rod in her hammer space, and eventually found it, based on Link's description.
"So, how do you work this thing?" Midna said, swinging the rod haphazardly. Link had to dodge the sharp hook several times to avoid his eyes being punctured.
"If you'll give it to me before you stab my eyes, I'll show you!" Link barked.
"Okay, okay, sheesh," Midna grumbled. "You're grumpy now."
"Why do you think?! You almost gave us away at Jaggle's house, burned Rusl's house, and almost gored my eyes! Just give me my stupid fishing rod!"
"Fine," Midna said, holding out the fishing rod.
Link grabbed it in his jaws and attempted to hold it properly, like a human, failing spectacularly. He tried to stick it in his jaws like the classic stick to prevent a predator's mouth from closing, but it didn't work, and Link was beginning to feel uncomfortable with the hook swinging around unchecked.
Still, he tried. Cautiously, he lowered the hook down towards the creek near the frogs.
"What are you doing?"
"Huh ugh, Mihgaa" (Hold on, Midna) Link said, mouth still gaping with the awkward rod.
Midna flew right in his face with the sternest, most threatening look she could muster. "What are you doing," she asked in dangerously flat tones.
"Fihhng." (Fishing)
"What is 'fihhng'?"
Link spat the rod out of his mouth. "Fishing is when you try to catch fish hence the name. And you use a fishing rod to catch the fish."
Midna nodded in mock understanding. "Are you aware that you are not holding your rod correctly, and that you are trying to catch frogs?"
"Yes, in fact I am," Link said tersely. "It's rather hard to hold a rod correctly without opposable thumbs or hands of any sort, and there aren't any fish here. Besides, I've always wanted to catch a frog. There are these amazing things called Frog Lures, so I assume they catch frogs. I know how to use all the other lures except Sinkers and Frogs. But I want to eat frog legs..."
"You're gross, Link," Midna said exasperatedly.
After about an hour of silent curses, adjustments, and arguments, Link finally had a decent hold on the rod by wrapping some of the line around his face and tying the rod to his head. He swung it at a frog.
The frog fell for it, at grabbed the line. But when Link reeled it in, it said, ""Ribbit! Ribbit! I didn't think anyone would come calling, so I haven't thought of anything to say... sorry..."
Link's eyes bulged, and he howled with fright, not noticing that the rod was still tied to him and that the frog was still on the hook.
"OH MY GODDESSES, THAT FROG JUST TALKED?! WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO THE WORLD MIDNA?! IT IS THE END OF ALL DAYS!! TRIFORCE LORE SURELY SAYS SOMETHING ABOUT TALKING ANIMALS!! WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DOOOO?!"
Midna sighed and rolled her eyes, ignoring the rather-hypocritically talking wolf who was currently backing away from the frog, which was hopping towards him ribbiting, yelling, "STAY AWAY FROM ME! BACK, BACK I SAY!!" at the top of his lungs, forgetting he had the fishing rod still on his head with the frog still on the line and some of the line wrapped around his head.
You caught a--
"VOICE!!!" Midna shrieked, abruptly sending off a volley of shots in every direction, which caused Link to howl in both fear and pain as his tail was singed by magic, leaping away from Midna, the frog, the energy balls, and the creek.
You caught a frog! the VOICE yelled silently over all the chaos. How? I don't know! You aren't allowed to catch frogs even with frog lures, so this will NOT be added to you fishing journal!
"You're NOT?!" Wolf Link howled. "Then why's it called a Frog Lure?!"
Don't ask me! the VOICE yelled mutely. I don't name these things! I just describe them! So if you--
"Vile demons!"
Once again, everything froze.
The adults of the village, armed with torches, pitchforks, and rocks, were staring at probably the most bizarre scene of their lives. A wolf, carrying a fishing rod on its head that looked similar to the rod Colin had given Link, was running around howling, apparently trying to escape the croaking frog on the hook, oblivious to the fact that it was still attached to the rod. A VOICE, seemingly from nowhere, had been yelling at someone, and a floating shadow was screaming at the top of its lungs and firing balls of magic in every direction. However, the VOICE stopped yelling, the shadow stopped screaming and shooting everything, the wolf stopped dancing around in fear and howling, and the frog stopped croaking, and they all turned and stared at the villagers with mixed expressions on their faces, such as "Oh shit!", "What the fuck?", and just plain "O.o". Well, except for the VOICE, but you could faintly hear the noiseless little "Whaaaat?" it was whispering.
"Spirits! Haunt our village no more!" Bo yelled, charging the wolf and the shadow with a spear.
Wolf Link yelped again, before barking at the shadow and the air, and sprinted out of the village, the frog flying in the air behind him, still attached to the hook on the rod that he still held. After yelling, "Hey, wait up!" the shadow glided after him. But just before the shadow disappeared around the bend after the wolf, it turned around and yelled. "Oh, just you wait until we meet again, you horrible VOICE! I will have my revenge! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!" Then it smoothly glided out of sight, cackling madly.
The villagers looked after the little group of freaks, only slightly weirded out. Just slightly.
Well, that was odd... the VOICE said mutely.
Now severely disturbed, the villagers all went home, hoping it was all some sort of nightmare.
The VOICE lingered for a few moments, pondering silently. ...Was it something I said...?
Link did not stop running until he reached the Twilight Wall, not even to listen to Ordona. "HURRY UP MIDNA! THERE'S AN ANGRY MOB CHASING US!!!"
Midna flew past him as fast as she could, grabbing Link with her freakish hand as she passed him, pulling him through the wall with her.
Link panted, unaware that Midna had materialized on his back until he looked up to see her wearing the shield on her head. He laughed.
Then she swung for his head. He yelped.
"These weapons are pathetic!" Midna said. "You actually use these in your world? They wouldn't stand a chance against the monsters in the Twilight! And they've been tainted by that Goddess-damn VOICE, too." She threw them to the ground in contempt. "I'm never touching those again. But since you can't hold onto them, I will for you. And your rod, too," she said, snapping her fingers and dissipating all three into Twilight. "Now, to find the dying Light Spirit. Nice fishing attempt, by the way," she said sarcastically to Link, looking down at him.
Link growled. "That was probably the worst example of fishing ever. I can do better. I'll explain real fishing some other time. I'm just glad we lost them. Especially that freakish talking frog." He grimaced.
"Did you not listen to that squirrel?" Midna asked, rolling her eyes in disbelief. "It said animals could talk! You're such a naïve buffoon sometimes, Link."
"And who ever said I was gone?" the frog asked, popping up on Link's head.
Link eyes bulged. And then he ran. Howling at the top of his lungs, which amazingly hadn't given out.
Midna cackled and waved goodbye as the frog hopped off Link. "See ya!" she yelled. Then she squeezed Link's sides. "Now find that spirit, wolf-boy, or I'll send cats to fawn over you next!"
"GODDESSES HAVE MERCY!!" Link howled as he sprinted through the forest.
Well, I hope it was funny. I had fun making Midna scream at the VOICE, and when everyone froze. Feel free to review; it makes me happy :) But don't feel pressured.
It's true, kids, you can't catch frogs with the Frog Lure. It catches bass.
Yes, I did reference a ton of stuff this chapter. Like Midna's scream freezes people like ReDeads do, Midna demands that Link listen to her like Navi, Midna not being able to use Hylian technology properly, Link completely skipped Ordona's really long speech, the frogs do talk, the cats in Hyrule following around fawning over you, and when you search for the sword and shield, if you wait for Rusl to limp to the other end of the village and then scare Uli, he is randomly right there.
The "naive buffoon" is a shout-out to Rasengirl13. Because Link is a naive buffoon who can't jump and constantly ruins our plans.
It just snowed a lot here, so I am having fun! Happy Early Holidays to you all! --Blue.