Hello readers! I was swamped with tests this week so I never found time to finish this chapter! I hope you like it. I thought it was cool on how I did this one. Just so you know, I'm not sure if I'll get an update in before Christmas (the next chapter is probably about half finished maybe) but it's really sort of complicated to write. I'll try and get Chapter Four up for Christmas!

Happy (late) Hanukkah for any Jewish readers, I hope it was wonderful for you! -Gabriel

Chapter Three: Memories

I want to be completely weightless
I want to touch the edge of greatness
Don't want to be completely faithless…

-Marina and the Diamonds, "Fear and Loathing"

Flashback: January 30, 1977

Severus woke up that morning with a feeling of dread. It was Lily's birthday. Ever since last year, January 30th never felt quite right. Severus got up, got himself ready for breakfast. He went to the Great Hall, and started heading towards Lily. Even if she hated him, even if she never wanted to see her again, he just wanted to wish her a happy birthday. At least. It was the very least he could do that day. He went over to her. She looked up and her eyes immediately narrowed.

"What is it, Severus?" she snapped.

"I…I just wanted to say Happy Birthday." He couldn't look her in the eye. He knew her friends probably had the usual slight look of disgust they always tried to hide when he was around, even when Lily and him were friends.

"Thank you." Lily turned back towards her friends, shutting him out again. Severus walked on to his table, avoiding the Marauders as best he could. He got to his seat without an issue, and sighed. He now had to listen to the pureblood manifesto that all of the rich, spoiled Slytherins had to remind people of every morning. Not all the Slytherins were bad per say; but the majority of them were bystanders to the few elite that seemed to run the place. It wasn't out of cowardice, it was for their own safety. Severus barely listened anymore, but he caught bits of the conversation.

"Mudbloods shouldn't even-" Be allowed to attend, we know, Severus thought.

"I can't stand the-" Gryffindors, Ravenclaws, Hufflepuffs, anyone but you.

"I agree, they shouldn't-" Attend, we know.

Severus found it slightly sickening that he knew everything they were going to say, and somehow had their policies and complaints filed away somewhere in his head.

I'll never become one of them, Severus thought, I won't join anything that has to do with them.

Severus would have never known how much the tables had turned.

May 3, 1977

Severus was sitting on the grass near the lake, studying for is upcoming potions test. He was so focused on what he was reading that he didn't hear someone sitting next to him. He turned the page, and found something incorrect in the book. He sighed, and took his quill and ink and scratched an instruction out. He wrote in a new one, and put the quill and ink down. He muttered to himself about how idiotic the author of the book was, and how could he get wrong an instruction so clear? With an ingredient like that? With that step that was vital to the potion?

"How do you know?"

Severus almost jumped in surprise. He looked over, and saw Potter sitting there.

"It's…it's simple logic really," Severus said slowly, "With an ingredient like this combined with those, then the potion would become unstable. If you're going to do potions, you have to know what each ingredient does. It's not that hard to memorize…" Severus stopped talking because he realized he was rambling.

"Keep going, it's fine," James said. He actually looked…interested.

"Well…for memorization, you could use mnemonic devices if there's a list of ingredients."

"What's a mnemonic device?"

"It's…you know in music, the notes? On the scale, there are these notes E, G, B, D, and F. A mnemonic device would be using a sentence with those letters to remember which order they're in. Such as, Every Good Boy Does Fine."

"Oh. Where did you learn how to do that?"

June 29, 1977

The way he looked at him-

July 13, 1977

Was that a letter from him in the mail? It couldn't-

July 28, 1977

It was burning. His father was burning the letters in the fireplace-

August 19, 1977

Opening them in secret-

Severus woke up with a start. With the recent events of the Death Eaters, the flashbacks in his dreams became more frequent and more vivid than before. He shook his head and laid back down. He wasn't sure if he wanted to even continue like this; with this cycle of pain. But then, he remembered. There was a reason behind this. There always was.

If Severus reached high enough, got himself far enough, scaled up even just a little, he could prove himself. He could show the world that he was capable of doing great things. He could get himself far enough to show everyone that he had finally gotten his life under control. That Lily no longer affected him the way she did. That the blasted, crooked-headed Marauders didn't leave a trace on him-that he could do anything. If this was the only way to do it, so be it. If this was how it was supposed to be, fine.

Severus set his goal, reminded himself of the rewards, and told himself that this would all work out in the end.

At least, he hoped so.

Severus got up the next morning groggily. He was thankful that there wouldn't be a meeting that night. He could finally get rest. He made himself a cup of old coffee he found in one of the cabinets, and sat down at his kitchen table. He was enjoying a quiet peace, as it was early enough for the other neighbors to still be asleep. Then, he got an idea.

Severus realized he had nothing to fall back on if being a Death Eater either abruptly ended or, by some miracle, he managed to get out of it. He didn't have a plan for what would happen. He didn't have a plan for things now. How could he make money with no plans? No job? Severus accioed a spare notebook he found lying around while cleaning. He got a pencil, and started writing down the list of possibilities of what he could do. Of what he wanted to do.

The list was relatively short. It was work at St. Mungo's in medicinal brewing, start his own business, or work for the Ministry somehow. He didn't particularly want to work for the Ministry, but he wanted to at least have three options if the first two didn't work. Starting his own business would be hard without drawing attention to himself. But, how could he rise higher without gaining recognition for things? If he wanted to make advances, he'd have to fund himself, and that was a fact.

The rest of his morning was spent drawing up three separate plans in case things changed. Severus felt better afterwards, knowing that he had something he could do with his life. He could make his mother proud in some way. Some day. But as for right then, he had to sort himself out first.