Hello again :) Sorry for the wait for this one, but I was on holiday visiting relatives and my time was taken up with trying (and failing) to be social .-. Hopefully updates should be quicker from now on…maybe…xD

I

do

not

own

Hetalia.

Enjoy!

Toris sighed as he looked across at Feliks. The two were sat eating lunch together against a wall in the courtyard, as they had done every day that week. With the soft midday sun shining down and the light hum of chatter drifting from the open windows of the school building behind them, he should have been perfectly happy. But he wasn't. Because today was Friday, his last day of being a guide to Feliks. After today, they would no longer have any obligation to hang out together, and Toris was surprised by how sad that thought made him. It was odd to think that just four days ago, he had hated the very idea of getting involved with this boy. Now he could only think of how much he was going to miss their sort-of friendship.

"You know, Liet, I was thinking…"

His reverie broken, Toris turned to look at him curiously. An amused half-smile had already appeared on his face, because whenever Feliks started a sentence in this way, he just knew it was going to end in something completely random. Either that, or he would say something deep that would keep him thinking for days.

"Do vampires need to eat? I mean, they're, like, dead and all, so I guess not, but…?" He asked this in a perfectly serious tone, as if the answer was genuinely important to his existence. Toris' mouth twitched with the effort of suppressing a smile as he tried to look thoughtful.

"I don't think so, Feliks." He replied patiently. "They wouldn't really have a use for it, seeing as they're…well, dead. Besides, they drink blood at night, so that's probably all they need."

"Oh yeah, I forgot they drink blood. That's like, so ew. I mean seriously, who even drinks blood?"

"Um…vampires do?"

Feliks stared at him for a minute, confused, then burst out laughing. "Oh my God, Liet, you are like, so funny! 'Vampires do!' Hahahaha!"

Toris peered at him, trying to work out from his expression if he was being sarcastic or not, but he seemed to be genuinely amused. To be honest, this wasn't entirely surprising. In their whole week of acquaintance, Feliks hadn't once mocked or made fun of him, save for the occasional lighthearted teasing. He had never made him feel threatened or intimidated; in fact, on one occasion he had even confronted a student who had sworn at Toris when they collided in the corridor. Gradually, he had come to believe that Feliks really did have no intention of hurting him. It was nice to be able to trust someone; unfamiliar, but nice.

He smiled gratefully at Feliks, only to be met with his suspicious gaze. It was rather unnerving.

"…what? Feliks, why are you looking at me like that? W-What did I do?"

Feliks just continued to regard him with his head tilted to one side and his eyes narrowed slightly.

"Are you a vampire?"

This certainly took him by surprise. "I'm sorry, what? Why would you think that?" He laughed nervously, assuming that it must have been a joke, but Feliks just continued to watch him solemnly.

"I've never seen you eat anything." He reasoned. "And you always look really pale, like a vampire. Do you have pointy teeth?"

"Um…I don't think so…?" This conversation was stranger than some of the ones he had had with Raivis, and that was saying something. "Anyway, I do eat sometimes, just never at school. I guess I just don't get hungry much."

It wasn't even a lie anymore. He remembered when he had first started depriving himself of some meals several months ago, he had been wracked with hunger and had spent lunch hour with his head buried in a book to distract himself from it. But by now it had become natural, and he had grown to ignore the occasional pangs that shot through his stomach. It was worth it to ensure that his brothers had enough to eat. And it showed that he was strong; he could bear through a little pain for the sake of others. Beat that, Ivan.

"Oh yeah?" Feliks didn't sound convinced, but didn't challenge him. That was another thing he really appreciated; Feliks had never pried into his life. Not much, anyway.

"Hey, uh…Toris! Holy shit, is that you?"

He looked up so sharply he could swear he heard his neck crack. Above him stood Alfred, of all people, gaping down at him in astonishment. About a step behind him stood another boy of around the same age, wearing an old-fashioned knitted vest in an unattractive mud-green colour, and rather incredible eyebrows which Toris could not help but stare at. He quickly retracted his gaze, blushing, when the boy glared at him defensively.

"H-hello Alfred…I, um…" Damn. He had forgotten how tense things had grown between them. He would have liked to think that it was only because they hadn't spoken in two years, but he knew that wasn't it. The hostile stares he was receiving from Alfred's friend weren't helping much, either.

"Who's this?" Alfred blushed and rubbed his neck awkwardly as he nodded towards Feliks.

Toris glanced across at Feliks, waiting for him to introduce himself, but he was looking at the ground by his feet with a shy scowl. Admittedly, he found this cuter than he should have.

"Th-this is Feliks. He's my…uh, my…" He trailed off, uncertain how to finish. Would it be too forward to refer to Feliks as his friend? But would it be offensive to simply call them acquaintances? The last thing he wanted to do was to upset someone over something so trivial.

Alfred nodded wisely. "Oh, I see, I see."

Too late, Toris realised his mistake. "Oh no, we're not-"

"Artie here's mine."

"It's Arthur, you git!" For the first time, the other boy had spoken, revealing he had a thick British accent.

"Sure, sure, whatever dude. So, Toris, how you been?" Despite Alfred's best efforts, the atmosphere of this conversation was growing tenser by the minute.

"I-I've been good, I guess. How..how are you?"

"Great, great, never better." He was trying to sound casual, but Toris could hear the undertone of concern in his voice. Alfred was the only outsider who had ever known what Ivan had done behind closed doors, though he had vowed on his life never to mention it to anyone. But even he had not known the full extent of the situation. That was something Toris didn't ever intend for anyone to find out.

There was a pause, and Toris struggled to keep the conversation going. "Are you s-still on the football team?"

Alfred gave a loud, forced laugh. "You mean soccer, dude! And yeah, I am still the hero of the soccer team." He flexed his muscles proudly. Behind him, Arthur gave a contemptuous snort. Then his voice softened, and he leaned closer.

"Hey, Toris. Sometimes I still think of what happened back then, and I think…I wish…I mean, I guess I'm happy with the way things worked out. I know I'm happy with my Artie, and you seem happy with Feliks…"

Toris opened his mouth to protest, then shut it again in resignation. If Alfred thought they were together, then what did it matter? It wasn't like they were likely to speak again any time soon. And he didn't want to admit it, but the idea sort of…pleased him. Only a little, of course.

"…but I can't help but feel bad. Because you're a good dude, Toris, and you didn't deserve that, any of it. So, y'know, if you ever want to talk, or just be friends or whatever, then…yeah. I'm always here."

A light blush dusted Toris' cheeks as he looked up at him, pleasantly surprised. He had no idea that Alfred still cared at all, considering that their relationship had fallen apart and he was clearly with someone else. Of course, he didn't still like him in that way; they were well past that stage, both of them. But to think that Alfred still worried for his wellbeing, even after two long years…

"Thank you, Alfred." He said gratefully, his words heavy with subtle meaning. He was sure that neither Arthur nor Feliks understood what they were talking about, but Alfred did, and that was what mattered. "Thank you."

Alfred straightened up, his trademark grin returning. "No problem! That's what friends are for, huh?"

Behind him, Arthur cleared his throat and looked very obviously at his watch. Alfred got the hint. "Well, me and Artie gotta be heading off, so I'll see ya around! Hang in there!"

He gave them a jaunty wave, then grabbed Arthur's arm and headed off. The moment they were out of earshot, Feliks turned on him, his shyness completely evaporating. "Who was that?" He asked in a tone that bordered on accusation.

Taken aback, Toris replied, "That was Alfred. He's an..an old friend of mine. We used to be v-very close, a few years ago." The glint of hostility visible in Feliks' eyes startled him; it had faded slightly at his response, but there was still a definite flash to his eyes.

"Oh. So you weren't, like, together? I assumed you were-"

Waving his hands frantically in front of his face, Toris exclaimed, "Oh, no no no! Nothing like that! I'm not even, you know…I'm not into men." The lie slid readily from his tongue, having been rehearsed year after year as an internal mantra. Perhaps, if I think it enough, it will change. Then Ivan will have one less thing to hate me for.

"Oh." For a split second, he thought he saw an expression of disappointment cross Feliks' face, but it disappeared as quickly as it had come. "I am." Flicking the hair easily from his eyes, he glanced over to gauge Toris' reaction.

Toris just stared back at him. How had Feliks just come out with that so easily? Was he really not worried at all about what anyone else would think? And why had his heart given a little leap at the confession? He closed his eyes briefly in an effort to block out the chaotic thoughts.

"If you, like, have a problem with me being gay, you can just say so. I totally don't care." Feliks' voice broke through his thoughts, and Toris could tell instantly that he wasn't telling the truth. He did care.

"No, not at all. That's not what…never mind."

"What was all that about, anyway?"

"What was what about?"

Feliks narrowed his eyes. "You know what I mean, Liet. What Alfred was saying. 'You didn't deserve that, any of it.' You can't try and tell me that meant nothing."

"It..I…" His face flushed as he scrambled to think of an excuse. There was no way he could tell Feliks the truth. He couldn't let him know how weak and defenceless he had been under Ivan's wrath. It was too humiliating, too shameful. "W-we had a..a rough breakup, that's all. A fallout, I mean. Between friends. And h-he said some nasty stuff that he regrets."

Damn, why was it so difficult to lie to Feliks? It was so effortless, so natural now, to deceive his teachers, his brothers, even his mother in the letters he wrote. I'm fine, everything's fine. The words would just roll from his tongue, accompanied by no feeling of guilt or shame. He just didn't want people to worry over him. There was no need for them to worry, after all; he was surviving, wasn't he? And that's all he needed.

But why, with Feliks, did it suddenly hurt so much?

"…Riiiight. Yeah. Whatever you say, Toris." The venom in his voice pierced him like a bullet.

Feliks got to his feet and swung his backpack on. Toris followed, frantic to make amends. "I'm s-sorry, I-I didn't mean-"

"Oh yeah? You didn't mean to lie? Well that's great to know!" His eyes flashed, and Toris was sure he had never seen him so angry. He opened his mouth to apologise, but nothing came out. "I thought we were friends, Toris! All my life people have lied to me, and I thought I'd finally found someone who would be honest! Obviously, I was wrong. I can't trust you, after all."

To his horror, Toris felt tears beginning to prickle behind his eyelids. Stop it, Toris. He's not hitting me. He's not even threatening me. This is nothing in comparison. It shouldn't hurt like this.

"I'm sorry, Feliks," he whispered.

Feliks gazed at him for a long moment, his expression unreadable."Whatevs. Look, I gotta go. See you." He said coldly, and with that, he stalked off. Toris gazed sadly after him. This wasn't how their five-day friendship was supposed to end. But…he had said 'See you,' hadn't he? So perhaps it wasn't over yet?

Silently, he picked up his backpack and hauled it over one shoulder, heading back towards the library building. It was odd to be alone for once, without Feliks. Less than a minute after he got inside, his phone vibrated.

From: Feliks xx

To: Liet 3

Liet. Sorry I got mad. Still friends, yeah?

He couldn't stop the smile that pulled at his lips as he typed back, without thinking.

From: Toris

To: Feliks

Still friends. :)

"Eduard, Raivis? I'm home!" Slamming the door behind him, he dumped his bag down in the hall and waited for a response. "Hello?"

"I'm in here!" A voice called from the lounge, and Toris went in the find Raivis kneeling at the coffee table, colouring with thick wax crayons. "Look at my picture, Toris!"

He ruffled his brother's hair and leant over him to study the picture. It showed the three of them – himself, Eduard and Raivis – with a label in shaky handwriting, 'MY FAMILY'. Toris smiled, then his eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

"Very good, Rai. But where's Mommy and Daddy? Aren't you going to put them in your picture too?" Sure, Toris didn't like their parents at all, but there was no way he was going to encourage his five-year-old brother to feel the same. A child deserved to be able to look up to their parents, at that age.

Raivis looked up at him with an expression of puzzlement. "But this is our family." He stabbed his finger at the paper. "They're not in our family any more."

Toris sighed and knelt beside his brother in the carpet, taking the crayon from his hand to make sure he was paying attention.

"Just because they live in Russia doesn't mean they're not in our family. They will always be family to us. Families don't always have to live together; they can be far apart, but they don't stop being a family. They still love you and care about you, even if they can't be with us right now. Understand?"

His brother had been listening intently to his little speech. When he had finished, he silently picked up his crayon and continued to colour. Quietly, he mumbled around his thumb, "That's not what I meant…"

Slowly, Toris straightened up with another sigh. At least he had tried. Then another thought occurred to him. "Where's Eduard?"

"He's right here, look!" Raivis said, pointing at the picture. "Right next to me."

"No, I mean, where is he?" He gestured around the house. "He should be down here looking after you."

Raivis pouted. "I don't need him to look after me." He protested indignantly. "I go to big school now; I can look after myself!"

Toris smiled down at him. "Yes, I know, you're very grown up now," he agreed gently. "But he should really be in here anyway. He's not gone up to his room again, has he?"

A shrug, then a nod. "Mm-hm. He went upstairs right when we got home. He always does that now. I don't mind."

It was true. For the past few days, he had returned home to find Eduard nowhere to be seen, always hidden away in his bedroom. He supposed it was normal for most eleven-year-olds, but it wasn't like Eduard at all. Something was wrong.

"Yes, but I mind. I'd better go up and check on him. You stay here, okay?"

"Mm-hm," Raivis agreed absently, already focussed on his colouring again.

Toris left and climbed the stairs, reaching the top and coming to a stop outside Eduard's door. He raised his fist and knocked.

"Eduard?" No response. "Eduard!"

There was a long silence, and he was beginning to worry that perhaps something had happened, when suddenly;

"Get lost…" It came as a quiet, muffled-sounding grumble, as if it was being spoken into a pillow.

"Can I come in?" He tried cautiously.

"No! Go away!" His shout was louder this time, and more insistent, with threatening undertones, but his voice sounded strained and thick with tears. That made up his mind.

"I'm coming in."

"No, don't-"

When he pushed open the door, he had half expected to see the room in disarray. But it wasn't. It was as neat and ordered as usual, with a small amount of clutter that marked it as the bedroom of a preteen boy. The only thing that was different was Eduard himself.

His brother was curled in the bed, his tear-stained face pressed into the pillow, with sheets and blankets tangled around him. His hair was untidy and his face was flushed from crying. It was a pitiful sight, and Toris felt his heart constrict with sympathy as he came to sit on the edge of the bed and held his arms out to him.

"Oh, Eddie…" he sighed gently. "What is it?"

Eduard sniffled and choked back a sob, ignoring Toris' outstretched arms. "It's nothing," he scowled. "J-just leave me alone."

"Please tell me, Eddie. I won't be angry with you, I promise, no matter what it is."

His face crumpled, and the tears began to flow again. "Y-you'll h-h-hate m-me…" He wept.

"I won't, I won't. I could never hate you." Eduard only sobbed harder, so he reached out and pulled his brother into his arms. He had expected to be pushed away, but instead Eduard clung to him and buried his head in his shirt. Gently, Toris ran a hand through his hair to calm him, and spoke softly.

"Shh, it's alright. Whatever it is, I'm not going to be cross. I just want to know what's wrong, okay?"

At first there was no response, then his brother gave a slow nod and pulled back slightly, dragging his sleeves across his eyes. He took a few deep, shuddering breaths.

"IlikeTino." He blurted in a rush. Then, seeing that Toris didn't understand, he repeated it more slowly. "I like Tino. A lot."

"Who is Tino?" He spoke in a soft, calming tone, careful not to sound vindictive or accusatory.

"Tino is…s-someone in my class. And…h-he's…he's a b-boy. I'm sorry!" With that, he burst into a fresh flood of tears.

Toris was astonished. Of course the news came as a surprise, but he was more shocked by the fact that Eduard had feared he would be angry. Surely he couldn't have forgotten Toris' relationship with Alfred? Eduard knew that he was gay, so why on earth did he think he would be cross about it? It just didn't make sense.

Instinctively, he pulled his brother closer and rubbed his back, struggling to figure it out. "Why did you think I would be angry, Eddie?" He asked steadily.

There was a long pause.

"Y-you mean, you're n-not?" Eduard looked up at him hopefully, rubbing his eyes.

"No, of course I'm not!" he replied. "What made you even think that? I was with Alfred for months, remember?"

If he had thought that would calm his brother, it served to do anything but. His face crumpled yet again.

"B-but when…w-when Ivan-" he broke off with a choked sob. Toris froze.

"Ivan?"

"W-when Ivan f-found out…about – about y-you and Alfred…I h-heard you downstairs, and…and you were, y-you were s-screaming, and-"

"Shh! Shh, it's okay. Don't think about that now. It wasn't really t-that bad." Even so, he couldn't quite keep the stutter out of his voice from just thinking about it. Even the memory of it sent chills down his spine. "You shouldn't have heard that, you should have been asleep."

"H-how could I sleep, when y-you were screaming so loud?" Hesitantly, Eduard reached out and ran a hand down Toris' back, feeling the web of raised scars that were barely able to be felt through the fabric. "D-does it still hurt?" he asked tentatively.

"No." It wasn't entirely a lie. The physical scars didn't hurt any more, at least. "I'm sorry that I woke you, that time. I shouldn't have made you have to hear all that."

Eduard scrubbed at his eyes with his sleeve. "You're blaming yourself again. You shouldn't do that. Not everything's your fault, you know." Looking up, he gave him a watery smile. "It's not like you're that important."

Toris chuckled softly, then carefully pulled back from their embrace. "Come on, it's late. You should get some sleep."

He turned to leave, but Eduard stopped him on the way out. "So…you really don't mind that I'm…you know, gay?" Years of living with Ivan had taught him to whisper the word cautiously, even when he was no longer around to listen.

"Yes, I meant what I said. I wouldn't lie to you, Eddie. Anyway," he added. "Sometimes it's worth the pain, to be who you are."

Then he slipped out quietly, closing the door behind him.

Later that night, Toris lay awake in bed, thinking. He had carried an exhausted Raivis up to bed almost an hour earlier, and now both of his brothers were fast asleep in their rooms. The house was completely silent except for the magnified ticking of the clock, but Toris' head was buzzing with thoughts.

Sometimes it's worth the pain, to be who you are.

It was good advice, and undeniably true. But it was also much, much harder than it sounded.

How can I be who I am, if I don't risk the pain? But how can I take risks, when I have my brothers to think about before myself? I'm happy the way I am, right?

He twisted restlessly in his bed. Am I happy? Or is that just another lie?

Finally, he sat upright, giving up on sleep. He climbed out of bed, careful not to make a noise, and went over to sit up on the windowsill, his favourite place for sleepless nights. Looking out over the lights of the city, he wondered vaguely where Feliks lived, and if he could see the glow of his home from the window. There was so much he didn't know – so much he wouldn't ever know – unless he took this risk.

Perhaps I should follow my own advice. Maybe it could be worth it, to take a chance with Feliks.

After all, what do I have to lose?

Thank you for reading!

Yeah…that was pretty intense…

Sorry if that chapter wasn't my best, but I'm not too great at all the emotional stuff :/ The next one should be a bit more lighthearted though!

Once again, thank you to all who have added or reviewed! I'm always happy to receive reviews, whether it be constructive criticism or suggestions or whatever. Your opinions matter! :3