15. Mind over Matter

My eagerness to see her was what slowed my arrival. With my hands gripping the wheel, I sat in my parked car on the corner of her street. At that point, I knew I could still turn back. I knew all too well what that would do to her — yet which was worse: living with a broken heart or not living at all?

I closed my eyes, ceasing my breathing and any other movements so I could focus properly. Momentarily, I started the engine back up, feeling Charlie's thoughts of fishing line or some other similar item fade as he drove away. I pulled onto the street at a crawling pace even by human standards.

With each passing house, I tried to estimate the point at which I would not be able to turn around without being in view of the house. After crossing it with a sigh, I increased my speed, parking in the driveway in a rush.

I stood at the door for a few minutes, already catching her scent that hung about the place. My pale fist knocked on the door as softly as possible — I did not want to leave any dents. From inside, I could hear the sound of her running down the stairs, fumbling with the lock.

No turning back now.

She looked nervous, but as beautiful as ever. She smiled at me, and I found myself struggling to return it. Yet, my face broke out into a full grin as I finally saw what she was wearing.

"Good morning," I said with a small laugh.

"What's wrong?" She was confused, looking down at her outfit.

She had been keeping her eyes on my face up until now. "We match," I explained. She laughed also, noticing the white collared shirt underneath my sweater that mirrored her own, but the sound was not entirely sincere.

As she locked the door, I moved to stand beside the passenger side of the red truck. I was beginning to hate the promise I had made to her.

"We made a deal." She grinned proudly, unlocking my door and then starting the engine.

"Where to?" she asked once I got in.

I looked at her apprehensively. "Put your seatbelt on — I'm nervous already."

She shot me a dark look, but did as I said anyway. "Where to?" She sighed.

"Take the one-oh-one north," I said, knowing the way well.

As she drove, she concentrated on the road intensely. However, I noticed that concentration would slip just slightly each time I looked over at her, and she would slow her speed.

"Were you planning to make it out of Forks before nightfall?"

"This truck is old enough to be your car's grandfather — have some respect." She kept her eyes looking straight forward as I smirked.

She maintained her current speed, and another fifteen minutes passed before we left the town. She opened her mouth just barely, but I spoke before she could ask.

"Turn right on the one-ten," I said. "Now we drive until the pavement ends."

"And what's there, at the pavement's end?"

"A trail."

Her heartbeat jumped, but she still did not look at me. "Is that a problem?" I asked. She certainly was not the most coordinated human, but did she not trust I would keep her safe in these woods?

"No," she answered simply, her heart rate still agitated.

"Don't worry," I tried to comfort her. "It's only five miles or so, and we're in no hurry." I thought she would enjoy the promise of that time spent with me, but the beating of her heart spiked.

She said nothing in reply and kept a straight face so I could not guess anything from her expression. We fell into a horrible silence — one that I could not bear for much longer.

"What are you thinking?" She would bore of the question eventually, but my curiosity won me over.

Again, the beat stuttered. "Just wondering where we're going." Was she lying?

I smiled, but she could not see. "It's a place I like to go when the weather is nice." I noticed the clouds were beginning to part.

"Charlie said it would be warm today." She recalled.

"And did you tell Charlie what you were up to?" I knew it was not likely, but I had still hoped…

"Nope."

The hope was crushed instantly. "But Jessica thinks we're going to Seattle together?" Chief Swan thought the two girls were acquaintances. Surely he would think to call her first when…

"No," she said as I sighed. "I told her you canceled on me — which is true."

"No one knows you're with me?" My voice sounded much more frustrated than I would have liked.

"That depends…" Her lip twitched, as if to smirk. "I assume you told Alice?"

"That's very helpful, Bella." My anger controlled my tone.

She ignored it.

"Are you so depressed by Forks that it's made you suicidal?" It seemed impossible for her to do something that might actually keep her own life out of danger.

"You said it might cause trouble for you…" Her voice was much softer now, serious. "Us being together publicly," she finished, never chancing a glance at my face.

"So you're worried about the trouble it might cause me — if you don't come home?" I was furious, and this thought of hers confused me beyond my own comprehension.

She nodded, silent now. "You are unbelievable." The words ran together, and it would have been impossible for her to understand them.

She did not speak again, quiet after sensing my anger. I did not want her to feel ashamed for wanting to be with me — no, it was the one thing I wanted more than anything… for her to want me, that is. Yet, I also needed her to understand what I was—

And what I was capable of.

Soon, the trucked slowed as we reached the end of the road. She parked on the shoulder, eyeing the small trail with contempt as she got out. I pulled the sweater off once I stepped outside, and I quickly stood in the shade of a nearby tree. I looked deep into the forest, no movement between the trees.

"This way," I told her, throwing her a quick glance. I started down my own path, fighting a smile when I had seen that she had done the same thing, the white cloth clinging to her pale skin.

"The trial?" Her voice was filled with worry as I heard her catch up.

"I said there was a trail at the end of the road," I clarified with a smirk. "Not that we were taking it." I unfastened the buttons of my shirt, staying out of the sunlight for the time beings as she panicked behind me.

"No trail?"

"I won't let you get lost," I promised, grinning as I turned to her. Her heartbeat jumped again, and my smile grew. Yet, her expression suddenly turned to one of pain as she looked at me. "Do you want to go home?" My voice sounded disappointed.

"No," She said, standing at my side now. The wind blew her scent towards me, and I struggled to keep a kind face.

"What's wrong?" I asked, puzzled as to why she suddenly looked so… hurt.

"I'm not a good hiker." She warned. I had already known that of course. "You'll have to be very patient."

The very thing I had been lacking lately.

"I can be patient — if I make a great effort." It was meant to cheer her up a bit, but she smiled up at me half-heartedly.

"I'll take you home." I was referring to the current moment, yet I made it a vow to myself.

I won't let your life end here.

She was quiet for a moment, mulling things over. I itched to ask what she was thinking, but I kept my silence.

"If you want me to hack five miles through the jungle before sundown, you'd better start leading the way."

I wondered if she was angry with me.

Still, I felt as if I was making it up to her by choosing the flattest path. As we came to a fallen tree, I took her by the arm, lifting her with ease. I let her down gently, but swiftly. Each time I touched her, her heartbeat would jump, and I instinctively had the desire to make it stop all together. I would pull away quickly to not make it harder for myself.

She glanced at me frequently, her face in a slight frown. Whatever she thought about as she looked at me… it certainly caused her a great deal of sadness. I tried to distract her from it, and I questioned her more about her childhood. I found her birthday celebrations quite interesting, as sad as they were. It seemed that Bella's mother had the same enthusiasm for parties as say… Alice did. But, Renée was hardly as organized. I laughed at her expense when she told me of her pets and the quick deaths of her goldfish. She said she had finally given up with the whole business.

This continued for the rest of the morning, and she seemed to grow more nervous as we went deeper into the woods. She was slowly, but I kept every appearance of being tolerant or it. My eyes caught the change in the light around us. The sun was beginning to stream through the breaks in the treetops, and I avoided them subtly.

She grew impatient herself.

"Are we there yet?" She pretended to be annoyed.

"Nearly." She certainly seemed more upbeat. "Do you see the brightness ahead?" Not to far ahead, I could already see the opening in the trees.

"Um, should I?"

Of course, her eyes would not be able to see it yet. "Maybe it's a bit soon for your eyes."

"Time to visit the optometrist," She said, and I grinned.

After a few minutes, I watched her eyes drift to the path ahead, and she increased her pace. With a smile, I let her get a few feet ahead of me, feeling more apprehensive by the second. Surely she would think this place was beautiful, but could she think the same about me? About how I would look when I stepped out into the light?

She was at the edge of the forest now, still as she looked over the sight before her. The stream only a few yards away served as a calming background to the beauty in front of us. The breeze ruffled the vibrant flowers and sent the grasses in the meadow swaying like waves in the water. The trees surrounded the small area like walls. With a sigh, she took a step forward, and I yearned to see her face.

Momentarily, she seemed to come back to the moment, and she turned to me. With a cheering smile, she motion for me to step out.

I continued to stand in the comfortable shadows of the trees, and I was worried about how she would react. Still, she looked eager, and I held my hand up. She waited for me then.

I took a deep breath, taking in her scent and reminding myself once more. Please don't be afraid. The thought contradicted what I knew was right and proper for her, but the desire could not be helped.

I stepped into the clearing, watching her face for her reaction.

She did not move, neither frightened nor smiling. I did not know what to make of it. I barely felt the sun's warmth on my skin, too focused on her face. However, she could not take her eyes from my own.

I knew my appearance must have shocked her, but she said nothing — did nothing.

Presently, she opened her mouth, her lips unable to form any words.

I smiled just slightly, taking another step towards her. "Sit with me?" She looked as if she were about to collapse anyway.

She managed to nod as I sat down in the grass, and she did the same, her eyes never leaving my face. I could see my own reflection in her shining eyes, seeing my white skin sparkling in the light.

It was a sight that disgusted me — a reminder of what I was and my sad attempt to pretend being something else.

She did not seem to be afraid, though it should not have surprised me. "How…?" She did not finish the question.

I gave a small laugh. "It's a mystery in of itself, really." I did not know any better than others of my kind why we would shine in the sun, almost like diamonds or perhaps crystal. It was something we just had to accept — something that kept us from blending in with the world, I suppose.

I found my smile growing the more she looked at me, her fear never showing… if it really did exist at all.

I lay down on the ground after a moment, feeling the sun slowly beginning to warm my skin. I knew it would still feel like ice to her touch, and I sighed. I stared up at the blue sky, feeling her gaze on my face. She sat so close to me… her arms around her knees, and her brown hair blowing in the wind.

Her scent hit me again, and I was difficult to keep my position. The fire filled my throat like always, but I did not stop breathing. I knew I was slowly becoming desensitized to it — the burning was not nearly as horrid as before.

We sat like this for hours, barely speaking, but caught up in the moment.

As my lips moved, she asked if I was speaking, though I was almost sure she could not have seen the movement. "…Just singing to myself." It usually worked well to help me calm down, but now it was ineffectual for the current moment. "It's much too low for your ears." I grinned, and she just looked at me thoughtfully, her eyes drifting to my arm, lying in the grass about a foot from her.

I turned my head to watch her as she stretched forth her finger to touch the back of my hand. Fire danced across my skin, but it was not the burning I was used to. Her skin was incredibly warm, and it sent a smile to my face.

I caught her gaze. "I don't scare you?" I asked it with a grin, but I wished to know the truth.

"No more than usual."

I could not help but smile at that, ignoring the grave reality of that answer for the time being. Again, she lifted her hand to touch my arm, her fingers trembling. Had she not said she was unafraid?

I closed my eyes as the sun's feeble warmth disappeared in the presence of her own.

"Do you mind?"

I listened to her voice, sighing. "No," I said quietly. "You can't imagine how that feels." But how did it feel to her? Did I not compare to ice — to the cold? Surely, she could not find that pleasant. Or did she feel the same as I… nervous as well as excited all in the same moment?

I sighed once more, letting the warm feeling spread throughout my body.

Her fingers still trailed across the skin of my arm, and she lightly touch my hand. I looked at her, understanding, and I turned my hand, palm up. The quick movement stunned her, and she froze.

"Sorry." I closed my eyes again. "It's too easy to be myself with you."

She lifted my hand, analyzing each detail, each inch that reflected the sun's light back to her eyes. I fell deeper into insanity, watching her face as she did so. "Tell me what you're thinking," I pleaded quietly. "It's still so strange for me, knot knowing."

Her lip twitched, almost grinning. "You know, the rest of us feel that way all the time."

"It's a hard life," I answered. I would have traded with the average human on a whim, however. "But you didn't tell me."

"I was wishing I could know what you were thinking…" She started, her sentence trailing off as she thought.

"And?" I encouraged her.

"I was wishing that I could believe that you were real. And I was wishing that I wasn't afraid."

"I don't want you to be afraid." I said this just above a whisper, unconsciously. She should be afraid, though. It was what she was supposed to feel.

"Well, that's not exactly the fear I meant, though that's certainly something to think about."

What did she mean?

I swiftly sat up halfway, leaning on my other arm. I expected her to move away from me… from my sudden proximity to her face, but she sat still, watching my eyes.

"What are you afraid of, then?"

She was silent, unable to answer. She moved less than an inch closer to me, and at that moment a breeze crashed through the meadow, her scent choking me. In an instant, I saw the monster rejoicing as the burning in my mouth intensified, and I had no choice but to pull away.

By the time her eyes finally found me, I was halfway across the meadow near the opposite edge. In the darkness of the trees behind me, I stood with a stoic look, my hands curling into fists. The scent made my mouth water with venom, and I shook my head, trying to take a deep breath that did not hold her scent.

She sat still, a hurt look creeping across her soft face.

"I'm… sorry… Edward," She said quietly.

"Give me a moment," I answered, raising my voice so that she could hear. I did not want her to feel bad over this. I just needed a breath. A moment to remember myself.

I walked back, taking unhurried, but careful, steps. I sat down in the grass about two or three feet away from her now, taking in her scent again, but slowly.

"I am so very sorry," I started, hoping she would not be upset with me. "Would you understand what I meant if I said I was only human?" I joked to cheer her.

She nodded, never laughing.

My face held a wry grin after that, angry with my own weaknesses. "I'm the world's best predator, aren't I?" I noted, miserably. "Everything about me invites you in — my voice, my face, even my smell. As if I need any of that!" I suddenly felt as if I needed to make her understand the danger I was to her.

I ran the edge of the meadow, making it to the same place as before in mere seconds. "As if you could outrun me." My voice was filled with resentment for my kind. I pulled a thick branch from a nearby tree and tossed it lightly, the wood breaking against the trunk of another tree. The other branches shivered with the movement. "As if you could fight me off," I said softly, now only a few feet away from her.

Her heartbeat increased, and I knew she was finally afraid, as she should be. She did not tremble, but she sat unmoving with the look of a deer in… headlights, was the phrase?

My face fell at her look, and I felt more dismayed than before.

"Don't be afraid," I whispered, moving closer to her. I was confusing her with my sudden changes in mood, and I stopped when we were only a foot apart.

"Please forgive me," I told her, over seventy years of manners finally kicking in. "I can control myself. You caught me off guard. But I'm on my best behavior now." I hoped she would believe me, since I had finally come to believe it myself. I could control myself with her… it would just be painstakingly difficult, yet worth every effort.

"I'm not thirsty today, honestly," I said, winking when she did not respond.

Her face broke out into a grin, and she laughed. The sound shook, and she trembled so slightly that she probably did not even notice.

"Are you all right?" I stretched my hand back towards hers, back in the place it had been only moments before.

She glanced down at our hands and then back at my face. Her eyes were trusting, and she looked back down, tracing the lines on my palm.

"So where were we, before I behaved so rudely?" I longed to hear her voice, expecting it to shake with the shock that had probably not passed.

"I honestly can't remember." She sounded timid, but certainly content with where she was.

I tried to smile, my shame from my sudden lack of strength making it half-hearted. "I think we were taking about why you were afraid, besides the obvious reason."

"Oh, right." Her cheeks flushed, and it only reminded me of the warmth of her touch.

"Well?"

She looked away, trailing her fingers across my skin. Her silence bothered me.

"How easily frustrated I am." I said as she looked up at me. I sighed in annoyance.

She finally answered. "I was afraid… because, for, well, obvious reason, I can't stay with you. And I'm afraid that I'd like to stay with you, much more than I should." She struggled to say it, and she immediately looked away once she finished.

"Yes," I started, hating the truth of my words. "That is something to be afraid of, indeed. Wanting to be with me. That's really not in your best interest."

Her small smile turned into a frown. "I should have left long ago," I continued. "I should leave now. But I don't know if I can."

"I don't want you to leave." She looked down, her cheeks blushing again.

"Which is exactly why I should. But don't worry. I'm essentially a selfish creature." I grinned. "I crave your company too much to do what I should."

"I'm glad."

"Don't be!" I removed my hand away from hers, my frustration growing. "It's not only your company I crave! Never forget that. Never forget I am more dangerous to you than I am to anyone else." I paused, hoping she could grasp what I was telling her.

"I don't think I understand exactly what you mean — by that last part anyway." She stared back at me, confused.

"How do I explain?" I knew this would be difficult. "And without frightening you again… hmmmm." I put my hand over her own once more, my mind deep in thought.

"That's amazingly pleasant, the warmth." I could not help but sigh at her touch.

"You know how everyone enjoys different flavors?" I cringed at the comparison. "Some people love chocolate ice cream, others prefer strawberry?"

She nodded as I apologized. "Sorry about the food analogy — I couldn't think of another way to explain."

She smiled as I continued.

"You see, every person smells different, has a different essence. If you locked an alcoholic in a room full of stale beer, he'd gladly drink it. But he could resist, if he wished to, if he were a recovering alcoholic. Now let's say you placed in that room a glass of hundred-year-old brandy, the rarest, finest cognac — and filled the room with its warm aroma — how do you think he would fare then?"

She did not respond at first.

"Maybe that's not the right comparison. Maybe it would be too easy to turn down the brandy. Perhaps I should have made our alcoholic a heroin addict instead."

"So what you're saying is, I'm your brand of heroin?" It finally seemed to click for her.

I nodded just slightly, smiling. "Yes, you are exactly my brand of heroin."

"Does that happen often?" She wondered.

"I spoke to my brothers about it." I looked to the dark woods, speaking slowly. "To Jasper, every one of you is much the same. He's the most recent to join our family. It's a struggle for him to abstain at all. He hasn't had time to grow sensitive to the differences in smell, in flavor."

I looked at her quickly. "Sorry," I said, apologizing again. I did not want to scare her with the way I was describing things.

"I don't mind. Please don't worry about offending me or frightening me, or whichever." This was Bella — always concerned for other's feelings. "That's the way you think. I can understand, or I can try to at least. Just explain however you can."

I inhaled deeply, growing more indifferent to her smell.

"So Jasper wasn't sure if he'd ever come across someone who was as…" I thought for a moment, trying to find a word that would not disturb her. "…appealing as you are to me. Which makes me think not. Emmett has been on the wagon longer, so to speak, and he understood what I meant. He says twice, for him, once stronger than the other."

"And for you?" Her eyes held a deep curiosity that mirrored my own.

"Never."

I fell silent, unsure of what to say next.

"What did Emmett do?" She asked at length, my hand curling into a fist in her own. I could no longer look at her face, uncertain of how to answer.

"I guess I know," She said.

I could feel the monster inside wishing for that same to happen in this moment, but I pushed it away. "Even the strongest of us fall off the wagon, don't we?"

"What are you asking? My permission?" My expression turned to one of horror as she spoke, her voice sharp. "I mean," She said, more softly. "Is there no hope, then?"

"No, no!" I longed to look away from her, ashamed, but my eyes longered on her face. "Of course there's hope! I mean, of course I won't…"

Had I not argued with Alice over the same matter only days before, from the opposite side? Yet, I was more determined, now, of my future with this girl. Was this the decision Alice had spoken of?

"It's different for us." I continued, keeping her gaze. "Emmett… these were strangers he happened across. It was a long time ago, and he wasn't as… practiced, as careful, as he is now."

She mulled things over. "So if we'd met… oh, in a dark alley or something…" She was beginning to understand.

I finally told her of my struggles as I saw her for the first time. "It took everything I had not to jump up in the middle of that class full of children and —" I hesitated. "When you walked past me, I could have ruined everything Carlisle had built for us, right then and there. If I hadn't been denying my thirst for the last," I paused, not wanting her to know my real age. "Well, too many years, I wouldn't have been able to stop myself."

I looked into her eyes, knowing she would remember that day well. "You must have thought I was possessed."

"I couldn't understand why. How you could hate me so quickly…" She had certainly noticed that.

"To me, it was like you were some kind of demon, summoned straight from my own personal hell to ruin me. The fragrance coming off your skin… I though it would make me deranged that first day. In that one hour, I thought of a hundred different ways to lure you from the room with me, to get you alone. And I fought them each back, thinking of my family, what I could do to them. I had to run out, to get away before I could speak the words that would make you follow…"

I looked at her sadly. "You would have come." I was positive of it.

"Without a doubt," She agreed.

"And then, as I tried to rearrange my schedule in a pointless attempt to avoid you, you were there — in that close, warm little room, the scent was maddening. I so very nearly took you then. There was only one other frail human there — so easily dealt with."

I watched her shiver, and I looked down, ashamed as I retold my memories.

"But I resisted. I don't know how. I forced myself not to wait for you, not to follow you from the school. I was easier outside, when I couldn't smell you anymore, to think clearly, to make the right decision. I left the others near home — I was too ashamed to tell them how weak I was, they only knew something was very wrong — and then I went straight to Carlisle, at the hospital, to tell him I was leaving."

I stared back into her brown eyes. "I traded cars with him — he had a full tank of gas and I didn't want to stop. I didn't dare to go home, to face Esme. She wouldn't have let me go without a scene. She would have tried to convince me that it wasn't necessary...

"By the next morning I was in Alaska. I spent two days there, with some old acquaintances… but I was homesick." This was my weakness… coming back to this town. "I hated knowing I'd upset Esme, and the rest of them, my adopted family. In the pure air of the mountains, it was hard to believe you were so irresistible. I convinced myself it was weak to run away. I'd dealt with temptation before, not of this magnitude, not even close, but I was strong. Who were you, an insignificant little girl," I paused, smirking at how that fact had changed. "…to chase me from the place I wanted to be? So I came back…"

She listened to this tale of mine, silent as she took in every word.

With each passing second, I felt as if I would not be able to leave her.

Never again.