A/N: Just a small note about the previous chapter. I am not a fan of Brendan but I realise that it is very difficult to write a Stug reunion fic without including him, especially because of the way the show is portraying him. I didn't want to include him but like it or not Brendan is an integral part of Ste's character. Saying that, this chapter kills him off and he won't appear again.

This is just the final bit of angst before I start rebuilding Ste and Doug.

Song lyrics are from Me and You by She & Him

Well I heard you had the blues again.
Seems like all those little things
add up in the end

A Few Weeks Later

Doug held Ste in his arms as he sobbed uncontrollably. Brendan was dead. Brendan was gone and Ste was heartbroken. Doug didn't really know what to say so he just held his former lover as he cried.

He wasn't going to pretend he was upset that Brendan was gone but his heart hurt to see Ste in so much pain. Brendan had been the bane of Doug's existence for years. He had used him to sell drugs, he had interfered with his relationship with Ste the entire time they had been together and he had hurt and belittled Doug. Doug would not deny that he hated Brendan Brady. He hated him even more now that he was gone and had left Ste so broken.

"It's okay," Doug soothed as he stroked Ste's hair gently. They had been lying in the same position on Ste's bed since the previous evening and Ste hadn't stopped crying the entire time. He hadn't spoken, he hadn't moved; he just lay there and cried. "It's gonna be okay."

It wasn't going to be okay and Doug knew that but he had to say anything to try and calm Ste down. He thought about calling a doctor to give Ste something to help him sleep but he couldn't bear to leave him on his own while he made the phone call.

"Can I do anything?" Doug asked uncertainly. "Do you need anything?" Ste didn't speak but he did shake his head. No. Doug sighed. "Maybe you should go to sleep for a while. You must be exhausted."

"Can't sleep," Ste croaked through the tears. It was the first time he had spoken since Doug had brought him home. "If I sleep I'll have to wake up and know he's gone."

Ste wasn't speaking much sense but Doug knew what he meant. "Brendan isn't coming back."

"I know, but I don't want to think about it."

"Then maybe sleep would be best, you could lose yourself for a couple of hours."

"But what if I wake up and think he's here. I don't want to have to remember he's dead."

"You can't stay awake forever. You're gonna end up hurting yourself, you need to take care of yourself."

"I don't want to. I want to die."

Doug felt his blood run cold. "Don't say that, don't ever say that."

"Why not? Brendan's dead, why shouldn't I be too?"

"You have too much to live for."

"Do I?"

"Yes. You have people who love you, you have your kids; they need you. I know you loved Brendan but you can't just give up."

"I don't want to live if he's not there."

"Ok, speaking as someone who did actually try to kill themselves; it isn't something you want to do. You might not be able to see it right now because you're grieving but there are so many people who love you and depend on you. They'd all be devastated if you were dead. I know that all you can see at the moment is Brendan and you can't imagine living without you but there will come a day when it doesn't hurt as much. Believe me I know."

"How do you go on?"

"You just do, no matter how much it hurts. There were times after Bex died when it hurt just to breathe. I wanted to crawl into a hole and die because I couldn't see myself going on if she wasn't there. But after I tried to kill myself I realised that life was worth living."

"I don't think I can."

"Yes you can. You don't think you can but you will. I know you loved Brendan and that's never gonna go away. He'll always be in your heart but one day you will move on. Maybe you won't even realise that you have but you will."

Ste sniffed and buried his head into Doug's neck. A few moments later his breathing evened out and Doug knew he was asleep. He lay with Ste in his arms for a few moments longer before he rolled him onto his side. Ste buried his head into the pillow but didn't wake up.

Doug headed into the living room and sat down on the sofa, burying his face in his hands. It was hard trying to comfort Ste when he hated Brendan as much as he did. But he would do it because he hated seeing Ste so upset more. He needed to put his own feelings aside and concentrate on making sure that Ste was okay and if that meant he had to listen to Ste cry over how much he loved Brendan then so be it. He just needed to make sure that Ste wasn't going to do anything stupid.

He was tired, so tired. The kind of tired that seeps down into the bones and exhausts. Doug didn't sleep, though. He couldn't. Ste could wake up at any moment and might need him so Doug needed to be awake. Ste needed to know that he was not alone so Doug stayed awake.

It was over an hour before Ste woke up, Doug could hear him sniffling from the bedroom. Doug headed back into the bedroom and found him lying on the bed rubbing his eyes.

"Hey," Doug gently greeted. "How're you feeling?"

"Tired."

"Then go back to sleep."

"Not that kind of tired."

Doug smiled softly and sat down next to Ste, taking his hand and rubbing light circles with his thumb. "I know what you mean."

"When's it going to stop hurting?"

"I don't know," Doug told him. "I don't think it ever truly will."

"I miss him so much. I woke up expecting to see him and he wasn't there. I'm never going to see him again."

"You'll get through this, I promise. I'm right here if you need anything."

"Thank you," Ste whispered. "I don't know what I'd do without you."

"Can I get you anything? Do you want something to eat?"

"Could you just stay here for a while? I just need someone to be close."

"Of course," Doug agreed and lay down next to Ste. He wrapped his arms around Ste's thin frame and held him tight.

He must have fallen asleep at some point because the next thing Doug realised was that it was dark and he was alone in Ste's bed. He sat up and rubbed his eyes, trying to acclimatise to the dark. He heard Ste moving around so he got up to see what he was doing.

"You're awake," Ste said as he saw Doug emerge from the bedroom.

"How long was I asleep?"

"Coupla hours. I was gonna make summat to eat if you want anything."

"I don't want to you to go to any trouble."

"It's okay, I'm tryin' to keep myself busy; take my mind off things, you know."

"Thanks in that case," Doug smiled and sat down. A few moments later Ste joined him and handed him a plate of food. Doug ate in silence and stared at Ste. He wasn't eating. "Aren't you going to eat?"

"I made it but now I'm not feeling hungry anymore."

"You should eat; you don't want to make yourself ill."

"I feel sick."

Doug placed his and Ste's plates on the table and took his hand. Ste started to cry again. "Shh," Doug soothed and hugged him. "It's going to be okay, I promise."

xXx

Ste had been silent since the funeral and Doug was worried. It had been a hard day; Ste had to watch the man he loved be buried. It had been a small funeral, Brendan had not been well liked, but Doug had gone for Ste. To support him in his time of need.

"It was a nice funeral," Doug said in order to break the silence that had descended on the flat.

Ste nodded, "Yeah," he replied.

"Do you want a cup of tea or something? I could make you something to eat if you want."

"I'm okay."

"Ste, you're not okay. You don't eat, you barely sleep. You barely talk. You've been walking around like a zombie for the last few days and I am worried about you."

"You don't need to."

"I do because you're not worrying about yourself."

"Brendan just died if you hadn't noticed." Ste said a little louder than he had intended.

Doug winced. "I know that. I'm not saying you shouldn't be grieving, I'm saying that you should be taking care of yourself. I am so worried about you and I just want what's best for you."

"I know and I'm glad you're here. You know what, a sandwich would be nice."

Doug smiled. "I'll get that for you then."

"I really am grateful for everything you've done for me," Ste said as he watched Doug in the kitchen. "You've been great."

"I'm only doing what any friend would do."

"But after everything that's happened between us you didn't have to do anything."

"We were friends before, we're friends now so why shouldn't I?" Doug said as he sat down next to Ste and handed him a sandwich. He took a bite and chewed it slowly, almost thoughtfully.

"I left you for Brendan."

"No you didn't," Doug replied. "I let you go and you chose to go back to Brendan. If I hadn't have said anything we'd be in America right now."

"I'm sorry. I should have been more honest with you."

"Yes you should but it's all water under the bridge now. It's in the past and I'm not dwelling on it anymore and neither should you. You need to grieve."

"Can we just talk about something to take my mind off it for a while?"

"And you want to do that by talking about our failed relationship?"

"Then we'll talk about something else. How are things at the Deli?"

"Good. Busy. I keep having to get Leanne to help out because I can't do it on my own."

"Sorry, I'll be back soon I promise."

"You don't have to keep apologising for everything, you know."

"Sorry," Ste and Doug both laughed. "How is Leanne, anyway?"

"She still hates you."

"Really? It's been months."

"You broke my heart; there are no bounds to her vindictiveness. And now we're back to our failed relationship."

"We do seem to get back to that a lot don't we?"

"All roads lead seem to lead there."

Ste leaned in close and laid his head on Doug's shoulder. "I treated you so bad."

"You don't need to apologise to me. I don't want to drag this all back up again, especially not now."

They both fell into a silence that was neither comfortable nor uncomfortable. Doug closed his eyes and breathed deeply. "I didn't mean to sound so harsh," he eventually said. "I just meant that now is not the time to be talking about it, you just buried Brendan."

"I know what you meant," Ste sighed. "Can we just go back about ten minutes and pretend it never happened."

"Sure. You want to watch TV?"

"Okay."

"I'll be back at work soon," Ste said after a little while. They had fallen into silence again and he couldn't bear it. He hated it to be too quiet.

"Take your time," Doug replied. "I'd rather you come back when you're ready than before."

"I think I need to. I hate being on my own. The silence kills me and I need to keep busy otherwise I'm gonna go crazy. I've liked having you around."

"I'm here to help in any way."

"That's not what I meant. You've done so much for me since Brendan died, if it wasn't for you I wouldn't be here I know it but it's more than that. I think I'd forgotten how much I liked being with you. Like you said; before everything, we were friends and I forgot that. I took you for granted, made you feel worthless and I truly am sorry for that."

"It's okay."

"Do you still love me?" Ste asked hesitantly.

"I'm always going to love you," Doug admitted. "That's the one thing that will never change."

Doug was shocked when Ste leaned in and kissed him. He hesitated, not knowing how to respond and let the kiss go on for longer than he intended. When his brain finally caught up he pulled away.

"Ste, no," he shook his head. "You don't want to do this right now."

"Who says?"

"Ste, it's not what you want and you know it," Doug said as he stood up. "You're grieving, you're not ready to be kissing me and I'm not ready to be kissing you."

"What do you mean?"

"I'm not going to be your rebound. I am not going to help you get over Brendan by sleeping with you. I will be your friend, I will let you cry on my shoulder and I will let you talk about Brendan without telling you what an ass I thought he was but I won't do that. I am worth more than that and you know it."

Ste opened his mouth to speak but Doug stopped him. "Don't say anything, please. I meant it when I said I still loved you so that's why I'm doing this. And that's why I'm leaving now. I'll see you later."

Well I know that you heard a lot about things you can't control.
So many things we like to have
we just cannot hold