Chapter 4 A Steep Climb

It was blissfully busy for Rodney to resume his work. The many power systems of Atlantis had suffered during his absence, power being rerouted inefficiently to useless parts of the city, draining the ZPM to dangerous levels. Naturally Radek Zelenka had hell to suffer the first week, as Rodney was not afraid to step on some toes, or heads for that matter.

He normally thrived under such working conditions, when new challenges were following tightly, like pearls on a string. He conveniently shut out the fact that he was tiring much easier lately and chose to ignore Carson's warnings about exhausting himself. His blood pressure was already dangerously high, and he was advised to wind down and log a maximum of six hours of work each day. Sure, Rodney logged only six hours, the rest of his time spent fixing and mending the Atlantis' systems he regarded as "unwinding time".

When night came, he would dive into bed already half asleep, and then stay unconscious to the world around him through the night, too tired to dream and therefore too tired to have any nightmares.

When morning came he just repeated the same procedure as he did the day before. Breakfast, work, lunch, work, dinner, work, late night snack, and then some more work until his body and mind was too numb to continue any further. It worked like a charm, he almost forgot about the thing growing inside him. He was working ferociously, even skipping meals from time to time. Loosing himself in work had become a new way of coping.

On the ninth day back on duty he was summoned to Elizabeth Weir's office. When he was greeted with the grim faces of both Elizabeth and Carson his heart sunk to the pit of his stomach. And Weir didn't beat around the bush.

"This can't continue any longer, McKay," Elizabeth stated politely: "As much as we appreciate the work load you contribute to this base we're concerned you're not giving your own wellbeing much thought at the moment."

"There's not like I have much choice! I cried actual tears when I saw what Radek's buffoons have done to the control systems while I was gone. It's a bloody miracle the ZPM haven't depleted a long time ago. A few more weeks and it would have been beyond rescue," Rodney argued.

"As I said, Rodney: I, we, appreciate the long hours you've laid down here, but it doesn't change the fact that I'm concerned for your well being. You need to slow down."

"Are you telling me I'm not capable of fulfilling my duties?"

"Not at all, I'm just saying that a man in your condition..."

"Yes, what about it?! It's not like you have any one to compare with now, is it!"

"Rodney..."

"I need this. I need to feel useful again. I need to... I need to... forget sometimes.."

"Forget what?"

Rodney sighed, shoulders going limp as he lowered the shields protecting him.

"I need to forget this." he gestured meekly towards his abdomen. "It's draining the life and sanity out of me and work is the only thing that gives me some peace of mind right now."

Elizabeth straightened up in her chair, eyes full of concern and sincerity.

"I know this must be difficult for you Rodney. But you must understand that it's my duty as your ranking officer and leader of Atlantis to make sure you don't become a liability to this base. And you will become just that if you continue straining yourself in this pace. Unless you are willing to follow the strict work protocol Carson and I have come up with I will have no other choice than to take you off active duty."

Rodney stared down on the desk in front of him, not knowing if he was grateful or disappointed.

"All right."

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John Sheppard had hovered outside Rodney's door for fifteen minutes counting his buttons. He'd been avoiding the head of the Science and Research department of Atlantis ever since Carson had sat him and Elizabeth down and told them about Rodney's condition. The poor smock was like a magnet to everything extraordinary bad. He had always been the one getting shot, stunned, beaten and poked at on missions, and he'd always been regarded as the team's weak link under such circumstances.

But this time, John Sheppard was slowly starting to realise that he himself had a hard time coping. To see Rodney in such a fragile state was downright painful. The scientist had drifted into overdrive, loosing himself in work as he always did when he was trying to escape from something. His whole posture had changed somehow, along with the slight changes slowly starting to show on his body. He always looked dog tired, and his mood swings were changing so rapidly even Radek was starting to back away from him. The usual bickering about every tiny discomfort had disappeared, as if he suddenly was feeling on top of the world, and as weird as it seemed, that concerned Sheppard even more.

McKay was made of tiny aches and pains and the stunning ability to blow them into enormous proportions, he was supposed to whine and grind every time something miniscule stepped into his way.

As he was standing there, drowning in his own thoughts, the door swished open and there Rodney was standing, an apprehensive glare aimed at the man standing in front of him.

"You've been standing there for twenty minutes, Sheppard! Either you come on in or you can leave so I can actually get some work done!"

"How did you..." John's voice trailed off as Rodney held up a life signs detector.

"Paranoid, are we?" Sheppard mused as he stepped inside. The man was truly growing paranoid if he kept that thing by his side even when off duty.

"Just a precaution," Rodney answered matter of factly.

John's brow furrowed as his eyes trailed the scientist as he made his way further into his quarters. His hair was ruffled, eyes sunken and showing signs of insomnia, and the way he was rubbing his forehead indicated a pretty severe migraine. He'd always looked awkward within his own skin, but now he looked downright resentful towards himself. He was lurching forwards, as if he was trying to compensate for the new weight slowly starting to show down on his abdomen.

"It's... been a while..." Rodney mumbled, a half hearted smile on his lips as he sunk down on his office chair.

"Yeah… It's been kind of busy lately... Lots of off world activity," John lied. He didn't know why he bothered though; Rodney knew everything that went on at this base.

"Yeah, well... It's been kind of busy around here to," Rodney had the good grace to lie back.

"So, uhm... How are you feeling?" John already regretted coming. He was totally inept at this... reaching out thing.

Rodney gave him a long look with tired eyes before answering.

"Fine, I guess. Carson's keeping a pretty close eye on me."

"Yeah, he can be a pain in the ass some times," John admitted: "But he means well." Rodney rubbed his neck, staring blankly out into the room.

"You look tired, Rodney. Maybe I should come back another time..?"

"No, no... please stay." Rodney looked like he was shaking a world of troubles off his shoulders as he straightened his back and put his chin up.

"I just... I didn't sleep so well last night." He raised his eyebrows as he continued, and his eyes darted around with dawning realisation: "Well, I guess I don't sleep so well, period. Transition face, I guess." There was a hint of the old Rodney McKay in there, the helpless smirk on his mouth just proved it.

"So that's what you pregnant folks call it these days, a transition face?" John Sheppard asked with a wicked grin lurking in the corner of his mouth. Dammit! He and that big mouth of his.

Rodney looked like he'd just been hit over the head, hard. He obviously hadn't adjusted to the big P-word yet. John sighed as he walked over to one of Rodney's poor excuses for an armchair and slumped down into it.

"Not quite ready for my boyish banter yet, I see," he lamented running a hand through that black mess of hair. He hated situations like these, where he had no idea where to set his foot, or how to weigh his words.

"Not as of yet, no..." Rodney sighed. They sat there silent for a couple of minutes, until John broke the silence with a hesitant confession.

"You know I'm not very good at this, Rodney. I see you struggling and I want to reach out and help you, but I don't know how to." John argued the words out of his mouth. Touchy feely stuff was harder to utter than sparring with Ronon with both hands tied to his back. Rodney looked at him, eyes heavy with something John would never have to face for himself.

"Is there anything I... and the rest of the team can do for you, anything?" he asked the scientist earnestly. Right there and then he would gladly have offered to travel to the end of the universe and back again if that would've made any difference.

Rodney lowered his head, and closed his eyes. With a trembling and honest whisper he made John feel more helpless than he had his entire life.

"I think I have to come to terms with this myself first. I need you guys to continue on the way you use to. Just be there... just be there by the breakfast table in the mess hall. I'll find my way, one day at a time."

Rodney's eyes stayed closed, and John sensed it was his clue to leave.

"We'll be there Rodney," he murmured and left the room with heavy steps.

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He was standing in front of the mirror his quarters, a hesitant scowl on his face.

"You said it yourself last night, McKay. You need to come to terms with this!" he grumbled to himself as his hands tugged at the bottom of the T-shirt on his back. He was feeling dizzy and nauseous, and he was running a minor fever he knew Carson would throw a tantrum about. He'd woken up that morning after a few hours of restless sleep, knowing it was him and only him who was able to get his life back on track. All the John Sheppards and Carson Becketts in the world wouldn't make a difference as long as he was too coward to face what he was up against.

"All right, here goes," he growled and lifted his T-shirt. He took a deep breath, and finally looked down. There it was, a belly. A tiny curve was slowly expanding week by week, making his T-shirts a little snugger than he would've liked, but not so much that anyone would be able to tell he was gaining much weight just yet. He'd always been a little... soft around the burly edges, so to speak. But his stomach had changed. What had been a soft hint of a pot belly had changed into a smooth and hard surface, evident of something hiding beneath it.

He touched the slightly distended gut. First with a finger, and then with three, and before he knew it, his palm was pushing towards warm flesh with a curiosity he didn't know he even possessed.

"I'm doing this," he told himself firmly. "I'm freaking out, but I'm doing this. You're just a passenger, and I'm the one stuck with you for the time being. How about we make a deal? If you don't bother me, then I won't bother you. We're in this together for now, and when the time comes we go our separate ways. How about that?"

His gaze lifted, until his eyes met his own in the mirror's reflection. Dark grey eyes lined with termination and fear looked back at him.

"You're doing this!" he whispered, his mind growing heavy with something that reminded him of relief.

_______________________________________________________________________

He found John, Teyla, Ronon and Carson by their usual table in the mess hall. His hands were trembling so hard his entire breakfast was in immediate danger of sliding off the tray. It felt like a lifetime ago when he last sat by that table, amongst his friends and colleagues. It was the same day he'd been taken captive by the Melonians. They'd been sitting there, just like they did now, chatting about anything and everything, and he'd felt warm and accepted as he joined them.

Heart pounding in his chest he took the first hesitant steps back to his old life. John looked up as he approached them, the surprise on his face quickly turned into a warm smile.

"Rodney! We saved you a place."

"Thank you, Sheppard," Rodney greeted, thanking for more than just a spot by the old table. Ronon nudged his shoulder as he settled on the chair, his way of telling Rodney welcome back. Carson was positively beaming from where he was seated, and Teyla made his heart fly as she touched his cheek and said:

"Welcome back, Rodney. We've missed you!"