Chapter Four: The Speculation
Being friends with Lily was not much different than being the bane of Lily's existence had been for the past six years. The biggest difference was Lily was more cordial to James when they were in class together or passed each other in the common room. James found comfort in knowing that nothing had really changed. Having her promise of friendship was strange enough.
A week later, James sat down to breakfast across from Lily. It was the only seat left unless he wanted to sit down with the First Years. As he started to pile his plate with eggs and sausages, he heard a voice in front of him. He ignored it, his brain unable to process much as it was still in a fog of exhaustion. He rested his elbow on the table and propped his head up with his hand. He started eating, his eyes struggling to stay open.
"James?" Lily's voice pierced through the haze after several minutes.
"Wha -?" He lifted his head up and blinked, trying to bring her face into focus.
"I asked you three times if you're all right," she said. Her eyebrows came together as she pursed her lips. "You're very pale."
"Oh yeah," he said as he leaned his head against his hand again. "I just didn't sleep well last night. It's nothing."
"Oh, is everything all right then?" She asked as she started back to her breakfast.
"Yeah, I'm fine," James said.
He wasn't going to confide in her that he'd been having nightmares about their deaths almost every night since she'd told him about the premonition. Her screams haunted him in his waking hours and it was starting to take his toll. He never thought he'd miss the sex dreams that left him frustrated and unsatisfied, but he'd gladly take a little sexual frustrations over the vision of her dead body splayed out on the ground.
"Right, well, if you need to talk to someone about anything, let me know," she said. She didn't look up at him as she sipped her juice. That's when he realized she was reading the Daily Prophet. Something about the situation struck him as oddly intimate – two people conversing over breakfast. For a brief second he saw her several years older, sitting across from him in a small kitchen. A little boy in a high chair next to her giggle loudly as she read the paper.
James shook his head and blinked several more times. Was he having premonitions now? It seemed highly unlikely, but the intensity of that one image seared into his brain, making him forget the horrors of his nightmares.
Lily looked up at him, eyebrows raised. "James?"
"Yeah, I'm fine," he said. He pushed his plate away and stood up. "I need to go."
He could feel Lily's eyes following him as he left the Great Hall. He made his way to his first class, trying desperately to clear his mind of any thoughts of Lily. It was all too overwhelming for him to try to make sense of this early in the morning. He forced his attention to the lesson, putting forth more effort in class than he had the previous three years combined.
"Something wrong, mate?" Sirius asked as they left class.
"Not at all," James said with a shake of his head. He avoided eye contact so Sirius wouldn't press the issue. "I'm just a little tired today."
Sirius didn't say anything more, but James knew he didn't believe him. James made his way to the library, hoping the forced quiet of the environment would help to quiet his racing mind.
However, the moment he walked into the library he saw Lily sitting at a table, her head bent over a textbook and a roll of parchment. Her face was scrunched in concentration and she was nibbling on her bottom lip like she did when she was thinking hard about something. James' heart melted a little at the sight. It was one of the hundreds of things about her he found completely endearing.
Steeling himself against the onslaught of thoughts and images that flooded his mind, he made his way towards her. He sat across from her and pulled out one of his books. Lily looked up, her mouth forming an 'o' at the sight of him.
"What are you doing here?"
James looked up at her with a straight face and said, "I'm studying. Isn't that what you do in a library?"
"Well, that's what most people do in a library," she said. "But I didn't know you knew what a library was. Or that we even had one."
"Oh, ha ha," he said dryly. "Even immature prats like me have to complete assignments if we expect to continue on with school."
"Well, knock me over with a feather," she said. "I never thought I'd see the day."
"I like to keep things interesting," he said without looking up from his work. "I find it's better to keep people guessing."
She acknowledged him with a noncommittal "hmph" and went back to her essay. They worked together in companionable silence for over an hour. James was loathe to admit, even to himself, how much he enjoyed this quiet time with her.
"Do you need any help with your assignment?" She asked softly.
James looked up to see her rolling her parchment and slipping it into her bag. She was craning her neck to read his paper from upside down.
"That worried about my competency?" He asked a little sharper than he intended. "I've managed passing marks so far."
"Fine," Lily said defensively. She shoved her quill into her bag and started gathering her things. "I was just trying to be friendly. Since we're supposed to be friends now."
"Hey," he said as he placed his hand on her arm. Her movements stilled and she looked at him, her eyes shining with anger and annoyance he was used to seeing from her. "I didn't mean it like that. I tend to get a little short when I'm tired. Stay?"
She relaxed back into her chair. They sat there for a long moment, staring at each other, before bursting into laughter. James' heart did a little flip at the way her face lit up when she laughed. She really was beautiful.
"I am going to go," she said. "Since Madam Pince will be here shortly to shoo us out for the noise."
She stood up and walked around the table. Leaning down, she pressed her lips against his cheek. James was too stunned to move or say anything as she quickly walked away.
As the days went on, it seemed that Lily crossed his path far more than she ever had before. It was a full week later before James realized that Lily was looking for ways to spend time with him. She'd graced him with three more of her kisses in that week and James was starting to believe he was living in a dream.
She laughed at his jokes, offered to help him with assignments, and spoke to him regularly at meals. James was not the only one to take notice of this change in attitude. Sirius asked him repeatedly what was going on, but James didn't have a good answer for him. He and Lily had agreed not to talk about the premonition with anyone. And James didn't like the implications of telling Sirius about the premonition as an explanation for her behavior.
In fact, James was starting to question the sincerity of Lily's behavior himself. He spent the first weeks of their 'friendship' walking around as if in a dream, thinking things were too good to be true. It was finally starting to dawn on him that it was indeed too good to be true.
As James listened to Lily chatter on about something that happened in Charms class, he knew he had to talk to her about what was going on.
"Lily?" He interrupted her mid-sentence, loving the way her eyes flashed annoyance at him.
"Yes?" She averted her eyes and started fussing with her bag.
"Any chance we could have a chat during free period this afternoon?" He asked.
Lily blushed and nodded. She took her things and left the Great Hall without another word. James' stomach twisted so tightly he thought he was going to lose what little breakfast he'd managed to choke down. He grabbed his own bag and headed for class.
That afternoon, James found her in the common room. She was sitting at a table on the side of the room, her head bent over more homework.
"Hey, Lily," he said. "Do you have a minute?"
"Of course." She shoved her parchment into her textbook to mark the spot. "You wanted to speak with me about something?"
"Yeah," he said as he slid into the seat across from her. Faced with her, he suddenly lost the ability to articulate his concern. He opened and closed his mouth in several false starts.
"Yes?" She asked impatiently. "I really do have quite a bit to do."
"Er, yes," he said. "I know. So, I couldn't help but notice a change in behavior on your part."
"A change in behavior?"
"Yes, when it comes to me." He adjusted his glasses and ran his hand through his hair. "You've been, well, nice."
Lily's eyebrow arched as she regarded him, the corner of her mouth tugging up into a crooked smile. "Yes, well, I believe that most friends are nice to each other."
James shifted in his seat. "Right, of course," he said. "I just couldn't help but notice the timing of your change in behavior."
Lily shook her head, frowning, as she said, "Meaning?"
James sucked in a deep breath before he burst out, "Are you just being nice to me because of the premonition?" His voice came out much louder and much higher than he'd planned on. He fought the urge to visibly cringe. Thankfully, they were alone in the common room at the moment.
Lily's shoulders slumped as she folded her arms on the table. She looked towards the window and shrugged.
"I don't know," she said. "Maybe."
"I really wish you wouldn't do that."
Lily's gaze snapped back to him, her eyes widening. "Are you serious? I'd have thought you'd have jumped at the –"
"At what? The chance to take advantage of you obligated to be nice to me because of some premonition?" He asked. James shook his head furiously. "No, I won't do it. I don't want you like that. If anything were ever to happen between us, I'd want it to be because you decided you had true feelings for me. I won't have you if you're motivated by some sense of obligation."
"Oh, James," she sighed heavily. "I don't think it's just that. I mean, the premonition is part of it, that's true. But it's not all of it."
"I don't see how, though," he said. "To be honest, I'm not sure that anything could happen at all now. How can I be sure that what you say or what you say you feel is real?"
Lily stared back out the window again. She was silent for several minutes, but James couldn't bring himself to leave. He desperately wanted to hear her say he was wrong at the same time he wanted to hear her say she was right. That way everything could go back to normal and he could handle that. Maybe then the nightmares would stop.
"I don't know where this premonition came from," she said. "I don't know how this magic works. I don't know if this is something set it stone or if it can be changed by the choices we make. In some ways, I feel I ought to make the decisions to see it through and in some ways, I want to run as far as I can in the other direction."
James chuckled as he adjusted his glasses again. "Oddly enough, I think I know what you mean."
Lily looked back at him and smiled. It was so genuine, that the warmth of it filled him. He smiled in return, fighting the urge to reach for her hand.
"I think I always knew though," she said. She cocked her head and rested it on her hand. "The more I think about it, the more I realize I always assumed there would be some kind of future with you. I'd been waiting for it. Waiting for the moment you did or said something that would win me over."
"But how am I supposed –"
"To believe that?" She shrugged once more. "I don't know. That's why I want us to be friends. All I want is to be your friend. To open the lines of communication so that I might understand what it is about you that some version of myself fell in love with. Does that make sense?"
It was the first thing that'd made sense in weeks. James nodded, the smile on his face widening. This time he did reach for her hand. He gave it a gentle squeeze.
"I think I can handle that," he said. "Just promise me one thing?"
Lily nodded. "Sure."
"Just promise me that you'll be honest about your feelings for me," he said. "Even if you think it's something I won't want to hear. I want your promise that you'll be honest."
"I promise."