Authors Note: I'm very very sorry; because I let you wait so long. I know with my last fanfic I tried to update as soon as possible, but it was really rough the last time and I didn't felt so good. But I hope you are not mad and you are able to wait! Thank you so much for reading and commenting this! Have fun while reading this!
All my best wishes to you & a nice weekend
-Sun
Chapter 4
The blood was pounding in my chest. The blood was racing through my veins like it was running a marathon to my heavy heart.
I never felt that way. I was never running around, standing in front of my mirror for over 10 minutes looking at me very critical before running back to my wardrobe where I pulled out another dress. I stood there looking at myself, trying to calm myself down by telling myself this was just going to be something to forget the pain for a short time, having fun and hot sex at the end of the evening. I told myself that this was going to be nothing more than the usual 'dates' I have with some scrub nurses, girls I met at a bar or somewhere else and dates with completely strangers when I was going to start my selfish hunt again.
But why was I standing in front of the mirror with the fifth dress I tried in 12 minutes, now wearing a black very long top, comparing to a dress, with silver stones and simple blue jeans? But why was I standing in front of the mirror asking myself if I was going to be beautiful enough for her?
And if this was just something unimportant like each date for almost 2 years now, why was my heart pounding as I heard the bell ringing?
Why did my heart hitched as I was opening the door, looking into her oh so beautiful face.
She isn't one of my usual dates.
She is completely different with her dark long hair and her purple dress, looking into my eyes, like she has seen a ghost and I would like to say her how miraculous I think she is. I'd love to kiss her now and reveal her how much I ache for her touch even I know I shouldn't.
I shouldn't be doing this. I shouldn't look at her like this and I shouldn't give her hope when I would destroy it as soon as she took it.
I know what hope is doing to you and I know what it can do to you in human hands.
But there it is a few words with her hoarse voice. A sentence she shouldn't say in that way to me, because with that the smile on my face is growing endlessly and I just don't want to kiss her. I want to talk to her, spend time with her, look at her, see her smile and then I want to kiss her as long as possible.
"You look… beautiful…" She says right before she's clearing her throat, still looking at me.
And there happens something else I never experienced for a long time. I blush slightly while I'm looking straight into her eyes.
"You too…" I simply say with a smile plastered on my face and my heart racing heavily in my chest; it's winning a race my hopeful heart started, a race she's joining with a giant smile.
"Are you ready to…?"
"Oh… yeah… yeah! Of course!"
I answer, acting like an idiot as I'm grabbing for my keys and closing the door after me, after I starred at her for what felt like hours. But she doesn't seem to mind, because she was starring at me the same way I was fixated on her perfect body.
Well I still couldn't believe that I slept with such a beautiful woman… and that this woman was standing here, in front of me, days ago, not letting go, even a part of my heart, controlled by my memories and my rationality. But at the same time I couldn't let off of her…
"But… wait a moment…" I say and she's spinning around with confusion grazing her face.
Even now she's just breathe- taking. Ab-solut-ely and 100% breathe-taking and it's her fault I can't resist to kiss her and so I lean forward to capture her lips just for a brief moment before I let go. I know we wouldn't be able to make it to the restaurant if I was kissing her one more second and she was looking so awesome in her purple dress that I decided to look at her for another few minutes and hours, before I am going to undress her.
As soon as I let go a cherish smile is appearing on her face and I say:" Now we can go…" in a sweet tone, revealing another side of me. A side I almost didn't recognize, but there it clearly is after hiding behind a wooden door for a long time. And I'm surprised how easily she's coming to the door, knocking and without asking to entry I open the door and let her in to take me out again.
And I smile as we are both leaving, still smiling like children on Christmas Day, I feel completely lost in her presence.
As we entered the beautiful Spanish restaurant my eyes were as big as a baseball and I couldn't help myself from starring.
I haven't seen something like that before, well, I have never been to a Spanish restaurant, but what I mean is her.
I have never seen someone as beautiful as her before in my entire life.
She's greeting a few people, changing from English into Spanish whenever she likes and it's fabulous…
She's fantastic and I wish I would understand what she's saying to them. But it also makes her more mysterious. And she's not forgetting that I'm there whatever she's doing. With whomever she is talking her eyes are always finding mine and as she is laughing because of something the owner of this lovely restaurant say I start to grin automatically, because she's magical.
Because she captures me with her words, she's talking a different language so I understand each word and even I'm staying a few footsteps away from her while she is earning another few cheek kisses I don't feel lost, because even there are many people in this room, and even she is catching all the attention from everyone I'm the only one who is catching hers.
Just a few more minutes she's standing in front of me again, looking into my eyes apologizing.
"I'm sorry I let you wait…" She says our bodies just inches away and if we wouldn't be in the middle of a restaurant, the people still looking at us I would kiss her now. But instead I reply with a simple: "It's okay!" And she's leading us to our table, decorated with a beautiful red rose and just a few minutes later we already have our drinks, looking straight into each others eyes while we are laughing about the stories she's telling me right here about her parents, about her Spanish family and her past.
And I'm not even bored. Instead I love to listen to her voice and her laughter.
"Oh yeah! We stayed a lot in Spain with the rest of our family. I loved the temperature and at most I loved the ocean and the beach! But one day I got lost…" She says laughing furiously and anyhow her laughter is completely infectious.
"You get what?"
"Hey don't laugh! It isn't funny! I was only 5 years old and I was scared, because there were just strangers and my parents were gone… but… you have to know… there where we stayed a few times in the year there happened one special thing when a child was missing and I was a special child, because I was too nervous to say who I was… and so I've found myself on the shoulder of a young man who smiled at his girlfriend who was clapping her hands together loudly. And as I looked around I saw the people spinning around… I couldn't believe what was happening as it became louder and louder and my ears recognized more and more pair of hands clapping until it looked like hundred people following the young man, who was still carrying me on his shoulders. They were forming a circle and I was the middle point. The trick was that everyone knew what the clapping meant: A children was found who got lost and naturally each parent spun around to look where their children were and just a few minutes passed with the people still clapping, until I recognized the face of my parents and my sisters. They took me in their arms soothingly and they thanked the young man who strokes my short and dark hair before he left too. They were worried and I guess they thought I was scarred and worried too. But I wasn't. I wasn't at all… Instead I felt… save… It was a magical feeling and sometimes I feel the same… I remember this day and how save I felt, because of someone barring me until I came to the place where I was save again." She says thoughtful and I smile at the thought, grinning widely.
Yes… whenever someone is carrying your weight with them, until you are save again… And the way she's looking at me I want her to carry my weight with her…I know it's selfish… but… I want her to know… anything… I don't want to bear this weight alone… not anymore…
And suddenly I hear her voice again, but this time she's asking me and I ask myself at the same time if I'm ready to answer her questions honestly like I want to…
"Now tell me a little bit from you and your family… Where do you come from?? Are there any brother or sisters?" She smiles interested in what I have to tell her. But I wished she wouldn't be interested…
"I lived in Oklahoma with my parents and my brother…" I reply simply, hoping this is enough information for her, but it isn't.
"You have a brother, really? What's his name…"
"His name wa… is Dakota…"
It's not the truth… but in my mind, in my imagination, in my heart he's still alive and that thing never happened… in my dreams he never went to Iraq.
And I want this to be a dream; I want to stay in this dream, because for a long time I enjoyed myself… I enjoyed myself around her, forgetting each wound that's grazing my ankles in an invisible way. But they are still there even they stayed unseen or lied. I was good in lying and pretending and I always have been good in finding explanations.
"I see your parents have a thing in naming their children after different parts of America…"
"Oh yeah for real…it was fun in high school…" I say, laughing.
"Well I like it…" She says seductively and I wish she wouldn't be that hot, licking over her lips. I guess she's teasing me, because while I think about taking her right here she wants to talk further on.
"And why were you coming to Seattle?" She asks me right before she's taking a long sip and her red wine, as red as her full and miraculous lips, is purring down her throat and I don't know what I should say.
Should I tell her the truth?
Should I let her in just a little bit more or should I lie to her another time?
Should I tell her that I was left by my brother and everyone else?
Should I tell her that I haven't got any possibility, any chance to decide?
That I wouldn't have survived without leaving?
"I… It was time to go to another place… I guess there's a time in life when you can't stay where you have been all your life…" I only tell, because I decided to talk to her another time. Tonight should be a time of happiness and not of sorrow and pain.
"You want some more wine?" I ask, smiling, as I realize the way she's looking at me, but I can't let the joy being destroyed right now by other questions when I was able to enjoy the night with her and so I say:" tell me more about your family…"
Two hours later we left the restaurant again and I was sad this night was going to be over so soon. We talked a lot. We even talked about relationships, at least about her relationships, and about our work and even I kept secrets I told her more than anyone else and as we were leaving this place I couldn't think about something else than sharing the night with her. And it wasn't just about the urge to touch her the way I just wanted to touch her. It was about the connection, the feeling I have when I'm around her.
And we walk back to me apartment, because it's not far away from the place we ate and as we walk in silence I realize something else. I realize that I enjoy her company even she's not talking to me. I just need her around me and as we stand in front of the building where I live, looking each other deeply in the eyes, like we are both waiting for the other one to say something.
"So…" She says.
"Yeah… so…" I reply, being a part of a furious inner battle.
Don't do that, Arizona! Don't ask… You know how it's going to end… You shouldn't be doing this…
I know I shouldn't and maybe it's the worse thing I can do. Yes. Maybe it's wrong and I'm sure I shouldn't.
But at the same point my rationality shuts out as soon as she's touching my hand slightly.
"You want to come with me upstairs??" Her eyes and her lips are forming a smile while her mouth is forming a lovely "I'd love to…"
I know I shouldn't be doing this, because… because that's who I am… that's who I became and trust isn't a real part of the new Arizona. But when she's touching me the way she's touching me right now I know I can't resist. And as soon as our gazes are meeting for a brief moment as she's entering the building with me I'm a goner.
I don't look her in the eyes and we are barely saying anything, but it's a comfortable silence, because our hands are saying more than any words could say and I do something I haven't done for a long time… I let her in by intermingling our hands and never letting her go for the rest of the night.
Weeks have passed in which I was the only one who entered these rooms… I was the only one, because I lived hiding myself behind these walls. But now with her entering me apartment it feels pure and I can't wait to let her in, to let her see who I am and now I take all the risks which are intermingling with the things I offer her.
And I lay down the jacket I was wearing, laying t on the couch before I walk up to her. I look her in the eyes and all she's saying is… nothing… pure nothing…
I slide my hands under her jacket to pull it off with one gentle movement and I take her hand into mine again as I hover over her lips, feeling her hitched breathe on mine.
"You… are so… beautiful…" She says in a soft whisper right before I slide my hands under her dress too and I undress her painful slowly. She's already wincing, but I want to give her everything I have to offer. I want her whole body on fire like she got mine within seconds, barely touching me, just with her eyes, with her look, with her huskily and seductively voice.
"Take me to bed…" I tell her, right before I kiss her with quivering lips, biting, sucking, loving her lips in the most beautiful and wanting way I ever kissed someone.
I need her so much now… I need her so much closer and that's what she's sensing.
I guess she's the only one who can offer me some peace just for a few hours and I take her help and her affection willingly.
As I open my eyes I look into hers once again. I look into her eyes which are not black coffee without milk but sugar brown like last night when we made love several times.
Now it's more caramel, chocolate brown and I want to taste her again.
"Good Morning, beauty…"
Another morning I wake up in her arms, feeling save and good like I belong there.
Another morning I don't regret I let her stay here, because after a night like this, being able to touch her everywhere, being able to listen to her voice when she's pleading, begging me to give her release, when she's saying, whispering, screaming my name. I couldn't regret staying in her strong and tender arms the whole night.
"You were watching me again while I was sleeping?" I ask and she is smiling, feeling caught.
"I just can't resist your amazing body… your amazing face… You look so beautiful when you are sleeping and I rather watch you than waking you up… So I have more time to take in every detail…" She confess and what I see in her eyes is more than the need for sex or desire and affection. It's something that's bringing my perdition and salvation at the same time. It's killing and saving me and I don't know what to do.
I want to love her back and somehow I think… I'm on my best way… but I don't know if I can take it…
"You are falling in love with me, don't you?" I ask her after a short pause, almost starting to cry, because I don't know how to react to this powerful feeling that's running out of her eyes and entering my body immediately.
"You want to heart the truth?" She asks me with concern in her eyes. Yes… she remembers the first thing I asked her…
"Please… try not to fall in love with me…" I'm saying, I'm whispering, I'm pleading.
She looks at me in a strange way before she nods slightly.
"No…" I say, because I don't know if I'd be able to take the truth and so she says:
"I'm not in love with you…"