Taste the whip, in love not given lightly...

Jade's Diary – Transcript 38

I'm sorry about last night, Sal. I'll go back and delete that stuff when I get chance. It's just that today's going to be a tough one, I've got to face everyone and try to remember I'm lying on two different levels here, got to show - what was that phrase? The mad agility of compound deceit.

Okay, that's the last coffee I drink in peace today. Got to go.

Jade's Diary – Transcript 39

Well, that wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I was nervous as hell when I got to school, I felt like everyone was looking at me, and while I'd normally approve of that, this time it was as if I had that damned tattoo on my forehead instead of my butt. Mental note – it's starting to fade, better book a visit to Kim. Tori's dumb but she's not that dumb (why do I feel bad saying that?) Anyway, first things first, I accidentally beat up Robbie.

I say 'accidentally' - I don't really do things accidentally, so it was more kind of deliberate. I mean, I don't mind him as such, I've known him quite a while but ever since he got that puppet he thinks he can say any damned thing he wants to and blame it on 'Rex'. Well, not this time, kiddo. The unfortunate part of it is that as soon as I'd done it I knew it was going to mean trouble, Cat's got a soft spot for him and now it seems I'm beholden to Tori and Cat, I'm probably going to catch it in some way. I don't know what the form is here.

I had a panic attack, so I ran. They found me, eventually, in the corridor, and I was so strung out I called Cat 'Mistress' – God, that was embarrassing. But she was all concern, cooing at me and stroking my arm, and even Tori looked like she gave a crap about me for a moment, although to be honest it felt more like they were trying to soothe a nervous pet before they took it on that final trip to the vet. All that sympathy would have gone down a lot better if I didn't know that they'd both happily see me in agony.

Anyway, Tori decided that me and Cat should have some 'friend' time after school, because nothing could possibly make things worse than having to talk about it for a couple of hours, so we arranged that and Cat left.

Once it was just me and Tori the panic kicked back in, but she was remarkably cool about the whole thing - she understood that I'd be nervous about getting used to my new 'status', and if I had any concerns I should go to her. I've got to say, Sal, that's the first time I've ever known her even acknowledge that this might be weird for me, I felt quite touched. She said we'd discuss it tonight when I go over.

Talking to Cat after school was... enlightening. No wait, that's not it. What's the other word? Disturbing? Horrifying? The thing about Cat is that, mentally, she's about eight years old. Can you imagine being her sub? It reminds me of that story 'It's A Good Life', where the kid has the power to do anything he wants and tortures the entire town for fun. I feel almost grateful I've got Tori, at least she takes it seriously. Whereas Cat, it turns out, is incredible devious but can't differentiate between a human being and a rag doll.

I asked her why Hayley does it. And the thing is, she had no idea. I don't mean she was being modest, or that she thought it was a mystery - I mean she didn't even understand the question. She went off again, gleefully explaining how she'd done it, how she'd manipulated Hayley, separated her from her friends, lead her on and finally 'captured' her, but it honestly never occurred to her to think that Hayley might have made a choice. Or even that Hayley should have had a choice.

Tori was like this at the Club, when she was talking to the other dommes. I think she really believes her own bullshit, that somehow she enslaved me - roped me like a wild horse, broke me to the whip, turned me into a pet. She's pretty fucking proud of herself for it, too. I sometimes wonder if you were right, Sal...

It broke my heart when you told me you were a sub, Sal. When I saw you again the next year and you told me you were into this new thing. It hurt. After what had happened, I couldn't believe you could do that – you were so strong, so independent. I looked up to you. But you just laughed at me. You could never be a domme, you said, and you tried to make me understand...

All dominants are the same, you said. But every submissive is different.

The doms are all about technique. They train, they learn how to use the whip, how to tie the knots, how to restrain without injuring. They learn a bit of basic psychology, and they think they're masters of the universe. They get their kicks from control, but then so does every fifth grade bully. Essentially, they're technicians, handlers, there to provide the pleasure and pain. You said you used to treat yours as an exercise machine, Sal, getting the workout out you wanted by judging how late to turn up when she called you over. I remember laughing when you said you'd stay for another soda because you wanted to set her on 'high' for the evening.

But the subs... Every sub is a sub for their own reason. Some are just about the pleasure, they want to get into the zone. Some are just about the pain – those are the ones with the fire in their eyes, the dangerous ones. You... you were all about the discipline, like you were training yourself, making yourself hard - I always wondered why you never joined the Army instead, Sal, you could be running the place now. And some subs - a few - are about atonement...

Which one would I be, do you think, Sal, if this were real?

So the doms are about power, and they vary only by degree - but some are cleverer than others, and they understand the secret...

The doms have no power. The power comes from the subs.

The subs are giving a gift, and the smarter doms know it. Maybe even Holly Vega knows it. But Cat and Tori - they don't, they've got it all the wrong way round. In their eyes, they get what they want, and in return they reward us, like they're training a dog. But that's not how it is. It's the subs who are getting what they want, and in return they give the doms a reward - the illusion of power. The chance to be King for a day. To pretend they have control. A control they could never hope to achieve in the real world. They don't train us. We train them. That's why you couldn't be one of them, Sal. Because you wanted control.

What really worries me, Sal, is that the Club is there for the ones like Tori – there to reinforce their delusions, make them think it's real, make the subs think it's real. That's why Holly told me the Club could be good for my career – she couldn't give a fuck about my career, but she wants me to feel involved. Invested. Because that way it's harder to leave. It makes it less appealing to pull on the leash when the whole weight of the Club is pinning down the other end.

Do you see why I worry about you, Sal? Do you see why I wonder what happened to you there?

Anyway, I've digressed now, and I can't remember where I was... Oh crap, I know where I should be, I should be at Tori's in ten minutes. Got to dash, Sal. I'm almost looking forward to it.

Jade's Diary – Transcript 40

Do you remember what I said earlier, about how reasonable she was being? Yeah, not so much. I'm having to walk around while I do this, Sal, I can't sit down. She crossed a line tonight, the line between the real world and the shadow world – we've moved from You're my sub, and I can punish you if you break my rules, to You're my sub, and I can punish you for any damned thing I like. I gave her my 'gift', and that's what she did with it. She's crossed that line, Sal, and God knows where it goes from here.

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But the funny thing is, I think I've crossed a line too.

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Any love for this? Should I carry on? Let me know. Things will happen soon, I promise - there'll be mystery, catharsis, redemption, you'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll wonder if there's anything good on Netflix...

Oh, and of course there will be Jori.