Star Warz
Episode [Flag]:
Termination
Welcome back, readers! If you are reading this, then you managed to survive the LONGEST & MOST KICK-A** EPISODE TO DATE! Yes, quite a many hours and aching fingers wrapped around a mechanical pencil went into making a fine stack of processed redwood pulp into something that grand. At least, that's how it was for me and the original transcripts, whereas my awesome transcriber had to deal with hours of aching wrists, dry eyes, fatigue and mounting insanity in converting all that chicken scratch onto a digital format for your reading convenience. But I digress; time to recap:
After the near-assassinations of several characters, the Republic went to war with the Contractor on the captured planet of Mon Calamari. The first day saw an insanely LARGE amount of action on land, sea and air. The Jedi, along with General Chris and a little help from the Jaa-Ruuk children, managed to tackle key spots in heavily fortified areas. However, they faced much resistance from various unusual enemies, mostly Mega Man bosses and Metal Slug baddies. But after besting an assorted of oddball commanders and making an awesome island landing, the Republic had established a firm foothold on the planet.
Now it has been two days since the first planetfall. About 99% of the planet is back under Republic control, and resistance has waned considerably since the first day's fighting. Yet there is still no sign of the Contractor, or his supposed fortress of doom. We now join our heroes clearing stragglers on a remote island, unsuspecting of what is about to come.
(Midday. Show a large island with beaches and various woods. Various aircraft fly around providing escorts or moving supplies. Within some woods, there is silence before rustling occurs. Coming out of some bushes steps out a man with a hairy face and decked in military camo)
Chris: Come on, chaps. It's not that strenuous.
(Walks on. Following behind is a soldier carrying about 150 pounds of stuff on his back like a pack mule and trudging along)
Jennings: Sarge… The weight on my back is making it hard to see… I don't know where I'm going.
Chris: Just follow the sound of my voice like we talked about and keep marching, you baby!
(Following behind the unfortunate soldier are the Jedi, cutting through some of the foliage with their sabers)
Sara: How much longer do we have to go on? I'm tired.
Will: Who knows. Chris has been looking for a fight since the first day, no matter how small.
Anna: Highly doubtful we're gonna find any, since sightings have pretty much gone to zilch.
Jo: But until we do, Chris is gonna have us trudge around for a few more hours.
(Sara whines)
Will: Don't take it so hard, sweetie. At least we're getting getting exercise.
Cope: Plus, Squishy isn't whining about the heat or the air or whatever crap he complains about.
Anna: Say, where is Squishy anyway?
Sara: And Sylvia for that matter. I could have sworn they were behind us.
Jo: Well I'll be derned! They managed to ditch us!
Cope: I should've known! That weasel's always leaving us like this!
Anna: Why is it that we never follow his example?
Cope: I don't know, but when we find him I'm gonna-
Chris: Hey! I hear stragglers! I don't take too kindly to stragglers in my command, you hear me!?
Jo: Come on, guys. We can discuss vengeance later. I'm in no mood for Chris to pull a Drunken Monkey on us again.
Will: Yeah, come on, Sara. Just a little longer.
(They trudge on. Switch to some coastline. Walking along the shoreline are Squishy and Sylvia, taking a leisurely stroll and holding hands as best as a midget and a tall lizard can manage)
Sylvia: Ahh… The sun and air feels nice.
Squishy: It certainly pays to have friends to unknowingly help you in getting out of patrol duty. Been so long since we got to be here.
Sylvia: It doesn't feel right, though, leaving them to put up with Chris so we can go out and relax. Even if this place is special for us.
Squishy: Yeah, I know. I'll think of some way to make it up to them.
(They approach a piece of beach where there's a large rock imbedded not too far from the water)
Sylvia: Look: over there...
Squishy: Yeah… That's it…
(They go over to the rock. Squishy puts a hand against it, caressing it)
Squishy: To think, only a few years ago, this was where we first met. Not a thing's changed…
Sylvia: I doubt things would ever change on such a small island like this, but the way thing's been going, nothing is certain.
Squishy: Yeah, but it never hurts to reminisce. Yep, we were just two strangers in the night back then, having a chat and chilling to some sweet music. Who knew we'd turn out like this.
Sylvia: Uh-huh. It's been a hectic, but wonderful outcome. But I recall it being sunset when we met.
Squishy: (Chuckle) Close enough. Still seemed like destiny that night, though. Just two very different people coming together like that, seemingly out of nowhere.
Sylvia: Hmhm, but that's how love usually is, right? It happens when you least expect it to. Especially one like ours.
(Bends down to snuggle against Squishy's head)
Squishy: Heheh, yeah. But, I dunno. That connection we made, it really felt predes-
Because it was.
(There is a thump as the screen waves bit and Squishy touches his head)
Sylvia: Honey, what's wrong?
Squishy: Probably nothing. I just felt a little-
(Another thump and screen wavering. Then another and Squishy puts both hands to his head)
Star-crossed lovers…
(More intense thumping. Squishy writhes a bit)
Torn asunder…
(Thump-thump)
Judgment to be made…
(Thump-thump)
Sylvia: Squishy? What is it?
Squishy: Gah… I can… feel him. He's near. So close…
Sylvia: Who is? You mean...?
Squishy: That… b****rd…
Hmph. It's about time you found me.
(All goes quiet. Squishy relaxes and moves his hands away. But then the ground starts to shake, slowly growing in intensity. Far out into the water, there's some rippling and froth forming. Coming out of the woods are the Jedi and Chris, who join the couple)
Chris: Dang slackers! About time we found ya's.
Will: What's going on here? What's with all the shaking?
Squishy: Your guess is as good as mine, but it can't be good.
Cope: No duh!
Anna: Hey, what's with the water?
(They look out to sea. The small rippling and frothing have now grown to a boiling appearance. Bubbles and splashing grows out a considerable distance before stopping to form a circle shape. Then from the surface rises up a round, large, iron tower that pushes onwards to the sky. It keeps rising and rising until eventually stopping, where it has a definite height of 50 stories and a diameter of 500 feet. It truly is a sight to behold)
Chris: Well… That's certainly different.
Jedi: You think!?
(Later, we turn to the base of the immense tower, where the Jedi and Chris are standing on a platform attached to the base)
Jo: So what do you make of it, guys?
Sara: A bit strange, for several reasons.
Will: No doors, no stairs, no ladders, and this platform's the only protrusion.
Anna: I get the impression that we're not wanted.
Cope: But we're gonna have to get in one way or another. This place practically reeks of secret headquarters.
Chris: Exactly. That's the spirit all my troops need, whether they're dying slowly or just from boredom.
Anna: So what do we do now?
Chris: Establish our reason for standing around doing nothing for the benefit of the reader. And the opportunity should be coming up right abooooooooooooout-
(A boat carrying Ackbar and his tech officer arrives)
Chris: Now.
Jo: (Gives salute) Admiral. It's good to see you, sir.
Ackbar: It's good to see you all as well. Now, what do we have here?
Will: This tower just rose from the water and nothing else. We believe it's the Contractor's stronghold.
Ackbar: If that's so then, why haven't our men been sent into this place?
Cope: Because this place is totally sealed off. A flyby showed no openings. Also, there's some electrical field that's keeping all craft from getting 100 feet near it, otherwise they risk getting shorted out.
Anna: Meaning that there's no way to put a squad on top of it. Plus, the outside is covered in a super thick metal. Ain't no way we can take a mountaineer approach.
Ackbar: This is just great! The enemy headquarters is right at our feet and we can't break into it. Worse yet, all this quiet is sending personnel back into space, limiting our manpower. The hopes of properly ending this war are steadily growing slim here.
Tech. Off: Might I say something that may help?
Ackbar: Really? Well, go ahead.
Tech. Off: Thank you. Now, as you may recall, Squishy and Sylvia went into a wormhole created by the Contractor in order to rescue their children. From what I had been told, you two encountered beings from different video games, am I correct?
Squishy: Yes you are.
Sylvia: It was beyond bizarre what we saw and did there.
Tech. Off: Well in my spare time, I took some of my comrades to the site of this wormhole to do some research into this phenomenon, and after much study and testing, we were able to open a small gap in time and space.
Sylvia: Really?
Tech. Off: Indeed, and as another great discovery, when we sent a probe into the hole, it came back with these.
(Pulls out a pair of small, pointy red shoes)
Chris: Shoes?
Tech. Off: Not just any ordinary shoes, General. Though they're normally mundane, when put onto the right-sized foot, the wearer will have gained an immense boost in running speed, with an increased top speed of up to 60 mph.
Squishy: (Smacks head) Now I remember! Those shoes belong to Sonic the Hedgehog; you guys swiped them from his universe!
Group: Hubba-WHAT!?
Cope: Preposterous!
Jo: Impossible!
Anna: Improbable!
Vizzini: Also inconceivable!
Sara: Unlikely!
Chris: Kinky! (WTF?)
Tech. Off: Though it sounds farfetched, the proof is in my hand nevertheless.
Ackbar: So what does this scientific find have to do with our current situation?
Tech. Off: I thought these would be of use to you in your more... unorthodox methodology, so in my spare time I crafted personal footwear for all of you based off the special makeup of Sonic's shoes. I got them in the boat right now.
Will: Now I see: we put on the shoes, and using our new-found speed, we'll jet up these walls and make it to the top.
Chris: Alright! It's about time I got my freak activity of the week done. When do we start?
Tech. Off: Sorry sir, but I only made shoes for the Jedi.
Chris: Baklava!
Ackbar: Also, I don't want you to go anyway. This looks like another job only the Jedi should do. We should fall back to our orbital ships in case something should happen.
Chris: Oh fine. I'll be waiting in the boat.
Tech. Off: Wait up; I've got to get the shoes. (The two leave)
Ackbar: (To Jedi) Now here is where you come in, Jedi. This is looking to be the final battle, where the prime target shall be the Contractor himself. This a battle you have fought before on behalf of us all, but just like before, you won't have any backup of any kind. However, I can't stress the importance of staying cautious in these situations. You should undoubtedly know how unpredictable he can be, as this call to war is further proof of his erratic behavior. So just stay sharp and be ready for anything; we can't afford losing such fine warriors, not to mention honorable individuals, as yourselves to this mad man.
Jo: Don't worry sir; we'll be fine.
Squishy: The Contractor will be down in no time.
Cope: We'll bring his a** back on a platter.
Sara: With all the trimmings!
Group: Huzzah!
Ackbar: That's good to hear. Now, go give them h**l, Jedi. The Republic's hopes and prayers will always be behind you.
(Salutes, gets return salute, then marches away to a drum roll. After it quiets)
Will: Gee… I'm feeling pretty nervous now.
Anna: Ah relax! Things are gonna be fine.
Sylvia: I don't know; we hadn't anticipated anything that's happened up to now.
Jo: That may be, but it's still a job to do, and it's someone we're experienced at whuppin'. Just make sure to save the choicest piece of a** for Alex.
Cope: Say what!? (Laughter abounds) God I hate you guys...
(Later, we see the group running up the side of the tower at crazy speed while wearing red footwear to Sonic music)
Jo: Yee-Haw! Here we go!
Anna: The G's are smashing my glasses to my face!
Will: It's like we're tearing this thing up at 2000 degrees!
Squishy: Probably why I'd call you Mr. Fahrenheit!
Cope: Don't you sing anything, Squishy! Nothing to distract us from the task of keeping ourselves from plummeting to a very messy end!
Squishy: Oh come on you don't mean that!
Cope: Yes I do!
Will: Enough talk! We're near the top; increase pace!
Sara: Wheeeee!
(They soon zip up off above the tower and land smoothly on its top. They look around)
Anna: I don't see a door…
Cope: That's just great! All that pointless running for nothing. I would have had more dignity being shot from a cannon!
Sylvia: Why are you so uptight, Alex?
Cope: It's my time of the month that's why you-Wait… GAHH! Squishy!
Squishy: What? I didn't do anything!
Cope: Your very existence is driving me CRAZY!
Will: HUSH! Enough bickering; there's got to be entrance somewhere.
Sara: Yeah, gang. Let's split up and look for clues.
(They start searching the area. Jo chances upon a red button in the ground in the middle of the top)
Jo: Oi, Squishy! (Squishy comes over) Do you see the red button?
Squishy: Yeah…?
Jo: I want you to step on the red button.
Squishy: Why do I have to do it?
Jo: Because you know very well that button has to be pushed to get anything done, so step on the d**n thing already!
Squishy: Okay, fine! Sheesh, don't go bust an artery on me.
(Steps on the button. The other Jedi come closer)
Squishy: See? Nothing happened.
(There's some rumbling, then suddenly Squishy is shot high in the air, yelling)
Will: (Looking up) Doesn't look like nothing.
Jo: All for you, Alex.
Cope: I sincerely appreciate the gesture, Jo.
(Suddenly the top of the tower lifts up as a platform and carries the Jedi away. Sections of the tower start coming off, forming various objects such as half-pipes, loops, rails, springboards, and other such things. These things start to arrange and float themselves in place before the tower. As one rail rises into place, Squishy lands on it between his legs with a brang)
Squishy: (Pained look) Stupid comedic arrangement…
(Falls off rail and crashes onto Jedi platform below him. After a while, the whole array of objects have formed into one long hovering obstacle course leading to the tower. The Jedi platform lands at the other end of the course)
Sara: What's all this, then?
Anna: Seems to be a defense perimeter, and a mighty big one at that.
Will: So how do we get past it?
Squishy: (Recovering) Simple: we run through it. This course is set up like a Sonic stage, so if we run through it, then we should find an open doorway at the other end.
Cope: And what gives you that idea?
Anna: Hours of relentless gaming in lieu of early social interaction?
Jo: And maybe because it's the only choice we got. My sexy sense is picking up an electric field over this whole course, so we won't be flying over there.
Will: Meaning we suck it in and just roll with it.
Jo: Exactly, so let's move it.
Sylvia: Alright!
Cope: Fine…
Squishy: Since we're agreed, let's get into position. (They line up and prep for a sprint start) On your marks, get set, GO!
(They break for it as "That's The Way I Like It" from Sonic Adventure 2 plays. They run through the obstacle course like a Sonic the Hedgehog stage, with the group separating to follow different tracks. They go through many things including ramps, rails, loop-de-loops and springboards. Eventually they regroup on one single track that leads straight to the tower)
Sara: Looks like we're near the end.
Anna: That wasn't so bad.
(As they approach and start running up the tower wall once again, they are watched by two hard-hat metolls in a security office. The metolls bounce a bit and one grabs and pulls down a lever. Outside, alarms go off and the obstacle course starts breaking apart and reforming. Back on the tower wall)
Sylvia: What's going on!?
Will: Crap! I think they're onto us!
(Suddenly the section above them curves back so that the group runs up and backwards upside down before running off into air. They land on a rail and grind along and through the air as more reconstruction takes place)
Squishy: Extreme!
Jo: It's gonna get hairy!
(When the rail ends, they leap off and hit a wall feet first so that they zoom downwards at a 90 degree angle. At the bottom, they hit some springs and go into the air again, this time landing on a wide track that circles the tower in a spiral. As they're running along, Quick Man runs alongside them, followed by Overdrive Ostrich. As the runners start trying to bump each other off the road, Shadow Man and Flame Stag join the race)
Cope: Oh give us a break already!
(The struggle continues until they start going up a long ramp. They keep running up and then go down another ramp, followed Turbo Man in his car form. The group increase speed and then enter a curved half-pipe-like track that rolls to the left. One of the machines flies off the track, and another two fly off when the track swings to a left orientation, leaving just Quick & Turbo Man. Soon the track levels out and there's a ginormous loop in front of the group. As they run up it, they hit a spinner that makes them go super fast. Though most of the group make it around, Quick Man runs fast enough to bust through the roof and shoot off into orbit. Now we see the Jedi running up a ramp running over speed strips that make them go sonic speed. As the air gets blurry around them, the group flies off the end of the ramp, covering 200 feet of airspace before landing and abruptly stopping on a small landing pad sticking out of the tower. Turbo Man soon follows, but goes too fast and ends up smashing into the tower wall 50 feet above the Jedi. His wreckage stays stuck for a bit before exploding. Then Sonic Zone Clear music plays as points get tallied up. Back on the landing, the Jedi are panting like crazy)
Anna: God-D**n! (Pant pant pant)
Sara: My legs… (Pant pant pant)
Squishy: (On ground) My lungs... (Hur hur hur)
Jo: Me heart… (Pant pant pant)
(5 minutes later, the heroes have recovered)
Will: So what's the damage?
Sylvia: Well, our shoes are shot. (Holds up a torn, smoking pair of the shoes)
Jo: But we made it. There's a door right there.
Cope: Good, now we can finish this holy war already.
(They head to the door)
Squishy: Wait. (They stop) That door looks mighty familiar...
Anna: What? Nah, you're crazy.
Will: Yeah, cuz if this door should be familiar, we should all have seen it.
Squishy: Why?
Jo: Cut the chatter and let's move, people!
Will: Okay…
(They reach the door. From the side, we see a center screw turning before the door splits in half and opens. They walk into a large, square chamber with a high ceiling and a rectangular window running along two sides of the room. The door slams closed as the Jedi stop and gasp at the sight of)
Jedi: Chris!?
(At the other end of the room is Chris in his usual military garb. He's just standing around)
Jo: General… What're you doing here?
Chris: The mission's a bust, guys. I'm calling for immediate abortion.
Squishy: Qué what!?
Sylvia: You've got to be joking!
Chris: I'm sorry, fellas. We were just too late.
Will: Too late? What do you mean too late?
Chris: There's to be no further questions. I'm ordering you to leave this place at once.
Anna: Uh-uh no way! We're going nowhere until you tell us why it's mission abort!
Cope: Yeah, and how did you get up here anyway?
Chris: None of that is important. All you need to know is that you did your best, but your best just wasn't good enough.
Jo: Bull chips! What's the real reason!? We've freakin' infiltrated the place!
Chris: No you haven't. Listen, it's mission failure, okay? Just turn off the game.
Anna: Say what?
Chris: This story has dragged on way too long. Just back out to the home page and look up some MLP or Naruto fan fiction. No one cares about Star Wars fics, anyway.
Squishy: What're you talking about?
Chris: Get the air freshener, push the handle and eat some cheese. It's only diarrhea.
Sylvia: Huh-what did you say!?
Chris: Copeland, tear up the tickets and walk away. It's the freakin' lottery for gosh sakes! You really had no chance to begin with!
Cope: The h**l you say! (Tries to rush him, but is held back by others)
Jo: What's the meaning of all this, Chris?
Chris: Never… Not while Gurlugah lurks within my bladder's cyberspace so-o-o-o-o BZZZT I need scissors sixty-one! Ker-be-buh-boo-oo-boo…
Sara: I'm scared, Will.
Chris: Don't be, Sharie. Meryl isn't acting like herself. Watch yourself guys! Nipple mutha-f***a!
(Starts dial-up noises from his mouth as the Jedi stand uncomfortable and afraid. Then Chris starts singing a Rastafarian tune with a Jamaican voice)
Cope: What the h**l are you?
Chris: Oh William! I'm pregnant, William! It's… your… Baby... Wiiiiiii*Glitch*iiill…
Sara: William!
(Slaps Will hard on face)
Will: Ow! Sara, are you even listening to this guy!?
Sara: I've heard enough, and I never want to see you again!
Jo: Don't be a fool, Sara: that thing isn't Chris.
Squishy: That's right, so whatever you are, show who you really are!
(An alarm comes off the Chris impostor, causing it to shake and speak in a female voice)
Chris-Thing: WARNING! Subject Chris disguise penetrated! Aborting Deception Program; initiating Combat Status! Uploading Colonel Program!
(Lightning shoots from the ceiling and hits various spots around the room, with a huge one hitting the impostor in a flash. When sight returns, the impostor is now wearing a black armor suit that looks like a military uniform of some type. He also wears a big black hat, and when he raises an arm to the air, a bolt of lightning hits his hand and becomes a sword hilt, which shoots out a red saber. The thing gets into a combat position)
Chris-Thing: DESTROY! DESTROY! DESTROY!
Squishy: Ah yeah, son! It's time to brawl!
Jo: To battle!
Anna: It's about time!
(They fight to to the awesome "Repliforce Battle" theme from MMX4. Speaking of which, the Chris mimic fights like the Colonel from MMX4, swinging slashes along the ground and using lightning to light up the floor. The Jedi go helter-skelter about the place, dodging attacks while getting in close to land some hits. The Chris Bot parries and leaps back from a number of the attack, and tosses in some teleportation and sliding maneuvers to intensify the battle. However, after one particularly strong downward slash from Will, the impostor seizes up and starts flashing before exploding Mega Man style. When all can be seen, only the sparking remains of the robot's upper torso remain)
Sara: Yay, we did it!
Sylvia: Whoopee!
Will: In your face, replicant!
(Noise comes from the thing as it raises itself on an elbow. It makes a metallic chuckle)
Chris-Thing: Foolish meatbags. You're all so quick to celebrate, but you have yet to accomplish anything of significance.
Jo: Whatever! After this, things will be a cinch.
Chris-Things: Mortal… You refuse to acknowledge the obvious, instead relishing in your false hope. But false hope cannot save you from what is clear: All your base are belong to us! You are on the way to destruction!
Cope: What you say!?
Chris-Thing: You heard me, and the other organic slime knows it. You are on the way to destruction. Make… your… time… Ha ha ha…
(The torso explodes, leaving nothing. Mega Man victory music plays)
Sara: That was certainly odd.
Squishy: But we can't be fazed. We have yet to reach our target.
Jo: So let's push on, Towards Danger!
(They head to the door at the other end. After its opening and closing animation plays out, the Jedi find themselves in a narrower room with an unseeable ceiling.)
Will: Helloooo! Anybody home?
Anna: What's with the silence?
Sylvia: Maybe they're sleeping.
Sara: Maybe they don't know we're in here yet.
Cope: Or maybe it's one of those calm moments before-(There's a great stomp) Yep. That's definitely it.
(There's another stomp, along with the sound of hydraulics. The stomping gets closer until the enemy appears from the other end of the room. The foe is an immense behemoth of metal and armor as it stomps in, standing at 20 feet upon two legs and wielding 2 arms with spike arrays for hands. Where its head should be is a control panel that's seating the short, purple menace himself: Vile. After stopping his ride armor)
Vile: Gwaheheheheheheee! So! The great Jedi have made it to the second security room; I'm mildly impressed.
Will: I'm not surprised that you are. That pile of bolts you tried to pass off as Chris wasn't really a challenge.
Vile: Fool! You continue to remain insolent in the face of your own death! But I'll change all that soon enough.
Anna: Sure you will. Just keep telling yourself that.
Vile: I'm serious! My mega battle armor will grind you into dust, while at the same time inflicting you with tortuous pain that goes far beyond all imagination.
Squishy: Yawn. Like we haven't heard a threat like that before.
Cope: Hey, "Boba", why don't you do us a favor and be a knock-off for someone else as lame as yourself. There's no point defacing an icon with the likes of you.
Vile: Veal nuggets! Your childish insults shall become the death of you! Time to perish!
Jo: Whatever you say, Mr. Roboto.
Vile: Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr DIE DIE DIIIE!
(The behemoth moves into a combat stance. Then a melodic whistling is heard)
Sara: Where's that?
(A red beam lands atop the battle armor, turning out to be Proto Man)
Proto Man: Sorry I'm late, but here I am. What did I miss?
Vile: (Looking befuddled & horrified) Gah! What're you doing here!?
Proto Man: Ain't it obvious? I'm here to provide back-up. Now, where's Mega Man?
Vile: No you idiot! You're not supposed to be on here! This battle armor has been built with precise space-time continuum calibrations! If two objects from two separate points in a timeline converge somewhere on the suit, then the suit's internal A.I. will initiate a counter program to even out the relevance anomaly, resulting in a surge of energy that will consume the two variants, which will in turn equal out the affected sector and thus bring calm and equivalence to the whole of existence, but otherwise-
Proto Man: Hey hey, slow down, little guy! Could you say all that in English?
Vile: What it all means, you outdated Power Ranger wannabe, is that your very presence on my suit means that both of you will cancel each other out, ergo, you've just started our very anti-material breakup and obliteration, meaning WE'RE FRIED YOU DOLTED PILE OF S**T!
Proto Man: Ohhhhhhh... I still don't get it.
(Light starts emanating from the suit)
Vile: Why me?
(The lights get brighter and brighter until the screen flares up in white with a VWUMP! When all's clear, there is nothing left of the suit or its two passengers)
Anna: That was über pointless…
Will: But look on the bright side: We didn't have to break a sweat.
Sara: Or even move an inch.
Jo: Exactly. And since we're so blessed at the moment, let's move on.
Squishy: Right you are, Joseph. Right you are.
?: Not yet.
(There is a falling noise, then hitting the ground hard in a crouched position is Vile. Upon standing up, he's in his blue MMX3 attire)
Squishy: What!?
Vile: Heh heh. Sorry to disappoint, but I won't be going down that easily.
Anna: How the freak did you escape that!?
Sylvia: And what's with all the blue? You look like a beetle.
Vile: To answer both, there is an advantage to having multiple appearances in a franchise: there's the guaranteed second life.
(Noises from audience voice boos and "Cheap!" or "You suck, Capcom!")
Vile: Yeah, screw you guys, too!
Cope: Well this is lame.
Squishy: But I sorta expected this to happen.
Vile: Whatever your output, it's still your time to die. Dig it!
(Rushes at them. Then they start fighting to Vile's battle music as he slides around, leaping through the air while continuously shooting his shoulder cannon. However, his speed doesn't save him from getting hit by an aerial spin from Sara, forcing him to hit the floor face down and smoking)
Will: What now, toaster head?
Anna: That was a tad more invigorating, but not by much.
Jo: Nevertheless we are victorious once again, thus we can continue our epic que-
(Lightning strikes Vile's body. He slowly gets up, hunched over)
Cope: Oh come on, Die already!
Vile: Never… I'll, never, fall to you... My defeat will not repeat itself. Rage will guide me… You all shall be my trophies… I Have Fury!
(He starts shaking and groaning. Then cracking noises are heard as his limbs start to bulge out with inhuman muscle. Then a red eye pops into his visor, and with a roar he pulls back his arms, splitting his cape thing into wing-like slivers, and then bursts out an immense, golden aura as his body turns gold and a DBZ glowing noise is made)
Will: Ah jeez...
Vile: Yeeeeeeees… The power! The rage! The range of emotion; my unlimited source of strength! With this power, I shall destroy you sponges, and then I will set out to destroy the bounty hunter who wears my image and makes me look like the copycat. Only then will I become the universe's true model of perfection: (In Engrish) VIRERU, ZE SUPREMU BADO-A**U! (Laughs maniacally)
Jo: Now this isn't a lovely bunch of coconuts we have before us, guys.
Sara: What do we do? How do we face someone that refined in the field of ultimate bad-a**ery conversion!?
Squishy: Very simply, Sara: we CRANK IT UP!
(With a whip he lashes a nearby boom box, turning it on. Then the opening licks of the Metal Slug 5 boss theme play out as the two sides engage. To intense beats and licks, the Jedi take on the new Vile, who has gained immense speed stats, the ability to fire an insane missile barrage at whim, and even throws in a Kamehameha or two that nearly fries Squishy and Jo. It is an intense struggle, as the Jedi leap around the room dodging and striking. Eventually, Vile hovers in the center of the room and cackles while raining down lightning and bomblets. Once it ends, Squishy takes the opportunity to leap up and bounce off his head, disorienting him long enough for Cope's finishing blow. Vile goes into a frozen pained state as he hovers above the group, shaking with light coming off him)
Vile: H-h-h-h-h-h-h-how!? W-w-w-w-why!? To l-l-l-lose… Again-n-n-n-n!? Not possib-b-b-b-ble! The universe, needs me-e-e-e-e… How could it For-r-r-rsake ME!?
(He starts shuddering with small explosions before losing his gold finish and hitting the floor, still exploding. Soon he's nothing but a charred, smoking robot. The Jedi are panting)
Squishy: Good God, that was too much.
Cope: Are your needs finally fulfilled, Anna?
Anna: Oh yeah. Most definitely.
Will: What a struggle…
Sylvia: Can we rest a bit?
Jo: Nope. We've got to push on. It won't be over until he's out of the picture.
Squishy: Right. Then let's continue.
Sara: Oh man...
(They walk past Vile's remains and through another Mega Man-esque door. They're in another large room)
Jo: Alright you scoundrels, show yourselves already. We're in no mood for all this waiting crap.
Sara: Jo!
?: Patience, little one. You shall be tended to shortly.
Sylvia: Who said that?
?2: There's no need to raise your voice, little chica.
Will: Hey, that voice sounds familiar…
?3: It should be: that's the sound of your own death a-coming.
Cope: Who are you!?
?: I'm right here.
(Walking in from an unseen corridor comes in the winged horse form of the Skiver. The Jedi are staring aghast)
Skiver: Hello, and welcome to the end of the road. A welcome relief it should be for warriors such as yourselves.
Squishy: How the freak are you-!
?2: Shouldn't it be obvious, cholo?
(Ice Man walks in)
Ice Man: This is a Mega Man satire. And in any proper parody, tradition must be upheld.
?3: That's right.
(Walk in Napalm Man)
Jo: Oh god not you!
Napalm Man: And tradition for us states that before you meet the big boss, you're gonna have to face your previous foes all over again.
Anna: You mean we have to face you three again?
?4: Not just them.
(Axel the Red drops in)
Axel: They mean every past foe.
(Search Man appears)
Search Man: Affirmative!
(Gyro Man appears)
Gyro Man: Your blasphemous spawn killed me, so I'm gonna return the favor!
(Slash Man jumps in)
Slash Man: Not before I get them back for destroying my hair!
(Bubble Crab appears)
Crab: They killed me off too soon. I never even got to say a line!
(Wood Man arrives)
Wood Man: I'm gonna wood chuck you hard, boy!
Skiver: So as you can see, you have quite the roster to face off with. A roster that seeks revenge.
Ice Man: Yeah, homes. There ain't no way you're getting out of here in one piece.
Napalm Man: So bend over and kiss your butts goodbye, cuz it's gonna hurt bad.
Skiver: Indeed. Because-
Axel: Surrounded by enemies-
Crab: In tight quarters-
Gyro Man: With no escape-
Search Man: No chance-
Wood Man: No hope-
Slash Man: Not even a prayer! Tee hee!
Ice Man: You're guaranteed no chance of survival.
Napalm Man: Which can only mean one thing:
All: (In Japanese) Mega-Doom Torture Boss Endurance CHALLENGE!
(In the back of the room, a platform rises out of the floor, revealing tiers loaded with tons of Robot Masters & Mavericks)
Squishy: Ahhhh s**t… Ahhhhh s**t on me…
Cope: Santa Maria…
Anna: We're sooooo boned…
Skiver: That's right, you surely are! And it's even more so considering that you'll be facing EVERY MEGA MAN BOSS IN EXISTENCE ALL AT ONCE!
Napalm Man: Tis a glorious day for machines everywhere! This calls for a song!
Ice Man: I hear ya, esé. So for your listening pleasure, I'll be hitting your eardrums with one of my early hit singles. Didn't think me much a rocker, eh, hermanos? Well, help yourself to my sweet rockin' licks as I play you to your demise.
(He leaps back onto the top of the tiered platform, busting out an electric guitar and a slick pair of shades)
Ice Man: Time to Shine, my brothers.
(The lights go out, then synth music wildly plays to the accompaniment of several waving stage lasers and strobelights all around the center platform. Suddenly flood lights and pyrotechnics light up the center platform, where Ice Man jams out the song "Shining Collection" from Gravitation on his guitar. As he wails away the opening licks, all the Mega Man bosses glow and take on a shiny appearance that affects their colorations. They begin approaching the Jedi, who raise up their sabers to do battle as Ice Man starts to sing. Sing along, ye rockers and yaoists!)
Ice Man: Garasu no bedo ni, toraware no MOTION!
Tesaguri de shukujo, wa kamikuuudaku.
Soliday na TAIL de, midara na hane COLLECTION!
Himei hodo mujaki no, yo-ru-ga hoshiiiii.
Yuuutsu no oriii de odoru, jiyuu to uso ni tsuranukare.
Moroku maichiru PUZZURERU! Kono shihai kara tobitateeeeeee!
Kiss SHIII-NING! Hitomi ni kuchizukete.
Toke daaaaa-su, hanabira mo jama ni naru.
Make Me SHIII-NING! Irozuku shigeki no ha-te ni.
Kagayaaaaaki, hajimeta maboooroshiiiiii!
(As the song takes an instrumental break, we see the Jedi fighting the onslaught of reborn Mega Man bosses valiantly. But much to their dismay, all their strikes against their foes merely bounce off their shiny exteriors, effectively forcing them to go on the defensive)
Cope: What's the deal? Why can't we hurt them!?
Squishy: Methinks it's their spiffy new gloss!
Jo: Got any nail polish remover, Sara?
Sara: No; I forgot to bring some!
Jo: Well bollocks!
(Ice Man resumes singing)
Ice Man: Taa! Iki wa somaru...
Akakuuu, nureta yubisaaa-ki ni.
Ha-ba-ta-ke-nu, chou no na-mi-da,
Su be, te, wa, su-naaa, na naru.
Shining MAAAKE YOU CRYYYYYYY!
(Another instrumental break, and the Jedi are backed into a corner. With the gleaming robots bearing down on them, they gird themselves)
Sylvia: What do we do at this point?
Jo: Keep fighting until an opening shows up.
Cope: If it does.
Jo: Don't let up!
(They throw themselves back into combat as the music kicks back up. It's an endless struggle as Ice Man continues his righteous song)
Ice Man: Kiss SHIII-NING! Hitomi ni kuchizukete.
Toke daaaaa-su, hanabira mo jama ni naru.
Kill Me SHIII-NING-
(Suddenly an immense fist smashes his head off, making him explode and stopping the music. At that moment, the lights return to normal, and the shinyness of the robots vanishes along with it. Everyone just stands stock still in the absence of the music, the robots surprised at losing their polish. Before anyone can say anything about it, Anna steps forward and raises an arm)
Anna: HAAAAAAH!
(A massive lightning maelstrom erupts from her upraised palm, spreading out and viciously electrifying all the robots on the floor in several blindingly painful seconds. When she withdraws her attack, all the bots short out and crumple onto the ground, whereupon they erupt into a discordant cacophony of various death explosions. The other Jedi look on speechless, while Anna huffs in recovery)
Squishy: Wooow...
Sara: Yeah... Total annihilation.
Jo: ...Don't mean to point this out, but... You realize how much time and trouble you could have saved us if you had done this more often.
Anna: Yeah? Well, maybe because I didn't feel like doing it all those other times. Or maybe a certain writer likes to forget that I can do this sort of thing. (Gives death glare to screen)
(Gulp!)
Sylvia: But what made all the music stop?
Sara: Who's over there?
(Turn back to the massive fist, which belongs to Duff McWhalan)
Jedi: Duff!?
(Hubba-qué!? 0_o)
Duff: Aye it be me, though I can't say the same for Octopardo. The b****rds up top thought he wasn't worthy enough to bring back.
Jo: McWhalan! You're, you're here! But how come, uh, why did you, err... WTF, man!?
Will: I think what Jo's trying to say is: Why didn't you fight us and such?
Duff: I fight for honor, not to achieve some mad man's goal. Unlike those other savages, I retain a set of standards and dignity, and they're telling me this whole set up stinks. When we fought at first, it was of my own free will, but an override program caused me to go into a berserk state that only my highest priorities could remove. My "leaders" held no value for battle; they just wanted things done, no matter the losses or casualties. So when given a second chance, I sought to set things right, which is why I stayed out of this fight.
Cope: And wound up helping us by killing one of your own, eh?
Duff: That's right. Everyone had an unfair advantage through Ice Man's singing, so I evened the odds. Though I have to say, I hadn't expected you to settle things so quickly. It was actually quite frightening.
Will: Just goes to show: you never want to piss off Anna.
Anna: And how.
Sylvia: But why did you do that for us?
Duff: I told you before: I fight for honor. You fight for many different reasons than my own, but honor is among those that we share. Which is why I wish to join you, and bring purpose and reason back to warfare by destroying all those who sully it with selfish ambitions.
Jo: So you're saying you want to come with us?
Duff: Yes. I believe my skills will be of great use for the upcoming battle.
Anna: Awesome!
(Music plays and the message "The Admiral Duff joined your party!" appears)
Squishy: This is great! Not only do we get a powerful ally, but he's also one of my favorite Mega Man bosses! Yes!
Will: We are greatly humbled by your participation in helping us.
Duff: There's no need to be. I've paid my debt to you for opening my eyes, and now I'm in it for myself. Now without further delay, let's head to the core of this madness, and strike down those who-
(There's a blast and a laser goes straight through Duff's chest. Shocking music plays and the Jedi gasp while turning back. At the door they came through is Vile on the ground, still smoking with his shoulder cannon raised)
Vile: Mother-f**king traitor… Guh…
(Dies and explodes. The Jedi rush over to Duff, who's sprawled on the ground, sparking with the clean hole in his chest)
Anna: This blows! Why do things like this always happen to us?
Cope: Death seems to follow us wherever we go.
Sara: Don't say stuff like that!
Duff: Ugh… Hey... How does it look?
Cope: To be honest, it's a whole lot cleaner than the last time.
Jo: Alex!
Duff: Heh, Jedi honesty… Straightforward at any given…
Sylvia: Hang in there, Duff! We should be able to fix it this time.
Duff: Nah, there's no hope… Upon receiving a mortal wound, Reploids immediately, (Cough), begin a self-destruct sequence. Willpower can slow it down, but not stop it. However, Reploids can remove their central CPU, stopping all functions and nullifying the self-destruct.
Squishy: But that means you'll shut off, right? So you'd still be dead.
Duff: Yeah, but it's still cleaner than going out with a bang. (Cough, cough)
Sara: Duff….
Duff: Listen…. You have to push on. Kill the one who started all this. End the madness… Before… (Cough cough cough)
Jo: We'll do that. Just hang in there.
Duff: Once again, I can't comply. No offense… (Starts sparking more) My time's nearly up. (Reaches with one hand to his head) You can do this for me: Take my data… Use it to fix my body, or make a new one. That way, I can bring back Octopardo, and others, with the right equipment. Just make sure you get out of here intact.
Will: Sure thing, buddy. You have our word.
Squishy: Yeah. Consider it a promise that we'll meet again.
Duff: Best not make promises you can't keep, just to inform you…
Jo: We know. We'll still do it.
Duff: Good, good... (Sparks more rapidly) So it ends... for now. Sayonara... Jedi…
(Taps a part of his head, which flashes. There's the whirring of slowing machinery as he lies still and the lights on him dim. A tray comes out of his head, holding a huge computer chip. Will walks over to his corpse)
Sara: Duff's brain…
(Will reaches it and removes the chip.)
Will: (Looking it over) You're in safe hands now... Friend.
(Pockets it. Sad music plays as the message "Duff Has Died" appears)
Squishy: (Wiping eyes) Ah man… I always get so emotional with these things.
Anna: There's no time for tears, Squishy. There's still revenge to be wrought here.
Jo: She's right. And more important than that, we must ensure the stability and protection of the Republic, and the entire galaxy. Only we can stop this war, because we're the only thing in Contractor's way.
Cope: Yeah. So let's go ram a road spike up his a** while we're here.
Will: For the welfare of everyone.
Sylvia: For the kids, and Steezy.
Squishy: For Ackbar, Chris and the others.
Sara: We'll have to push on, to honor all those who died this week.
Jo: Then it's acknowledged on what we must do. Now let's move on towards: The Final Battle.
(They walk off solemnly. When they step through another door, things slow down as they enter a long hall to Halo 2 music. As they're walking, they have somehow donned shades along with Sylvia sharpening her claws and Will smoking a cigar. They soon pass a window that shows a concert hall where an orchestra is playing the grand, somber music. When they reach the other end and go through its door, the music has reached its end and all is quiet. The Jedi enter pure darkness that has no end in sight. After they're all in, the door slams and locks tight behind them. Though there's no light, the Jedi are still illuminated. They have somehow lost their shades, as well as Will's cigar)
Ah… It's about time you showed up. I was starting to feel a tad… impatient.
(Whirring noises start up as organ notes from the opening of FFVI plays. The suspense is gripping as certain bits of darkness start to light up with each growing note. Then to the SNES crescendo, a column of light strikes the heart of darkness, revealing a tall throne like Ultemecia's amidst the dark sea. Atop this throne sits the Contractor)
Cont.: Wooo! MAN I love that music! It makes things so frickin' intense!
Jedi: Contractor!
Cont.: (Annoyed) Oh, right. The Jedi are here. (To them) Welcome warriors, to my central headquarters: the staging area of the future! A future where all things shall be run by the galaxy's one dominant race: Me, and only ME!
Squishy: Your messed-up reign ends right here, right now!
Will: You've made war seem like one big sick game!
Anna: We're tired of your games, and we demand justice!
Sara: You've killed many innocents and evicted tons more in this campaign of madness!
Sylvia: The kids, Steezy, Ackbar, Chris… You tried to kill all of them!
Cope: You've also been using video games to do your dirty work! It's time to take it like a man!
Jo: And with all your crimes accounted for, there's no more acceptable punishment then death by our hands!
All: Yeah!
Cont: Oh please! You all sound like typical pre-final battle banter in any RPG. Why don't you try shortening your statements; save me the trouble of being bored out of my mind.
Cope: Never! So long as we're the good guys, we'll exposit whatever the h**l we want!
Squishy: You tell him, Alex!
Cope: I don't need your support.
Cont: Good guys!? You call yourselves the good guys? What gives you the idea that you are on the side of righteousness?
Jo: Of all people, you should definitely know that one. It's us who are always cleaning up your messes.
Anna: And what messes they were.
Cont: Ha! You're wrong: it's you who are the villains. You who deny your creator the right to run his own universe by his own hand. Tell me: What reason do you have to justify such blasphemy?
Sylvia: That's obvious: You're crazy!
Will: You are mentally unsuited to run the galaxy in a smooth, peaceful manner.
Cope: Your past actions are more than enough justification for that claim.
Cont: Hey, now. What's with the dissing and hating? Not everything I did in the past was bad. I've done my share of good, and I find it hurtful for you to say such things about me.
Jo: Bull chips! Name one good thing you did for the galaxy then.
Cont: Alrighty, I will! Let's see… Uh… Umm… Errrr… Oh! I fought and defeated Pickles/Henry.
Sara: Only after you let him in!
Cont: Yeah, well, I still kept him from screwing us from here to oblivion.
Jo: Cleaning your own mistakes doesn't count. Think again.
Cont: Fine! Urr… Hmm… I let you have that awesome concert at the end of the third trilogy.
Squishy: Only after I forced it out of you, where beforehand you revealed your evil intentions and tried to kill us in a whacked-out battle!
Cont: Oh well you're one to talk! Don't forget, it was I who made you and Sylvia's relationship one of the strongest, most endearing unions in all the galaxy.
Sylvia: That's because you threatened my life and sent our eggs into other dimension, forcing us to work together harder to get them back.
Will: So based off what they're saying, they are what they are now because extenuating circumstances caused by you made them that way.
Cont: (To self) Ah, jeez. Tough crowd. (To Jedi) Well I know one thing for certain I did that benefited you guys: I gave the freak couple their lightsabers back.
Sylvia: So? We made new ones before we got them back.
Cont: Yeah, but it wouldn't have been the same using unoriginals.
Squishy: Nah. It doesn't make a difference what sabers we use.
Cont: No, you don't understand. You see, during the past one and a half years, have you noticed something different about your saber practices?
Sylvia: Umm… No, except that we haven't any need for them because it's been so peaceful.
Cont: Now think back to peacetime before you had kids. How often did you use your sabers?
Squishy: Actually, we used it quite often, though not for anything real important.
Cont: Don't you notice this odd imbalance? Before your kids you still used your sabers even in peacetime, but after you lost them, you suddenly stopped the usage.
Anna: What're you driving at anyway?
Jo: Yeah; this seems totally pointless right now.
Cont: What I'm driving at, you impatient curs, is that for the past one and a half years, Squishy and Sylvia have been incomplete, weakened.
Couple: What?
Cont: Being separated from your original sabers left you in a state of half-strength, incapable of real combat. But with your sabers back, you both would be whole in power once again, and you would still be fighting across the galaxy despite having three kids to tend to. So in conclusion, me returning your sabers was an act of good will on my part, since leaving you with cheap remakes would have made you two worthless in battle.
Sylvia: Well, if what you're saying is true, then why did you give us back our sabers in the first place?
Will: Yeah; it seems mighty odd for you to bring your opponents to full battle strength before a war.
Cont: Yeah, well, I had nothing else better to do beforehand, so I thought: why not?
Sara: No that ain't it. You're hiding something. Tell us the truth.
Cont: (Slamming hand) Girlfriend: You can't handle the truth!
Cope: Try us!
Jo: Yeah, we can be pretty persuasive.
(They activate their sabers)
Cont: Heh, like those could actually faze me. But, if you insist, I'll tell you. (Hesitates) Gee, how to say it… Kinda hard now that I think about it…
Jedi: Spill it already!
Cont: Stop rushing me! Fine, then I'll tell you already! The real reason I gave you back your sabers was because… because... I… wanted you to be full strength.
Squishy: What-?
Cont: I couldn't bear seeing two of my best creations go off to battle being as worthless as two cumbersome ninnies wielding sticks. It just wouldn't be right!
Sylvia: But that's crazy!
Cont: To you it may be crazy, but to me… to me… Hit it, Sam.
(Somber piano from FFX starts playing)
Cope: Oh boy…
Cont: As an artist, I take pride in everything I create, even if my creations turn against me, such as you. Yes, with every soul I weave and every body I carve, I hold a deep connection with, similar to how a painter or a sculptor holds an emotional link with their works, no matter what little success it may come upon. You two I especially hold dear from an artistic view, and keeping you incomplete would leave a great stain upon my artistic soul. Looking back, I can recall the exhilaration of seeing you guys in combat. The way you cut through your foes with such precision; the way you jump around with the grace of a gymnist; and especially the passion you put into the backs of all these feats. All these things are what any artist would work their lives for: To look upon their creations and feel great pride in knowing that they have far exceeded their creator's expectations. I complete you because I care for you as my creations. That's my reason…
Sara: Wow… To think the Contractor has a sensitive, poetic side.
Anna: I… don't have anything to say at all. I'm at a loss for words.
Squishy: Contractor… Such words can't be lies. Not with how you said them. I suppose that we should feel grateful or something, cuz I'm confused.
Sylvia: Same here. You make a really good speaker.
Cont: Thank you. Just goes to show that you can never fully judge a person by their actions.
Jo: Yes, we'll be sure to remember such advice.
Cont: That would be good. However, the time for sensitive, compassionate Contractor is at an end. (Resuming initial behavior) Now's time for good ole reliable, crazy, unpredictable and totally absurd me! Sha-Zham!
(Lights start filling up the rest of the darkness, revealing a large circular room filled with many computer consoles and a circular groove in the middle that's lower than the rest of the room, with the throne towering in the middle of it. The Contractor is standing and gloating with fists on his hips atop his throne before the wondering Jedi)
Cope: What's all this!?
Cont: Ha ha ha ha haa! To think, that even for just a wee moment, you guys were willing to sympathize with me! What utter saps! Hee hee hee hee!
Jo: You a**-hole! WTF!?
Anna: B****rd!
Cont: Now, before I set about fixing the flaw that is your collective existences, I'm feeling pompous enough to tell you all about the planning that went into making this moment possible. As you undoubtedly know, most of my forces have been bosses from the Mega Man and X franchises, along with enemies of the Metal Slug series. The recruiting process was fairly simple. A simple threatening of life was all that was needed to get Wily and Morden to relinquish their troops and creations. However, I hit a little snag trying to bring the Mavericks to my cause. But with the right negotiations, not only did I get them, but I also got a little bonus with it. (To room) Oh Second-In-CommAAAAAAAAAND!
(Walking out from the back of the throne's base and circling to its front, steps out a tall, bold figure of mechanical-humanoid make, with an armor of various colors and a red cape. His head is big & bald, with blank white eyes and a dot in his forehead, along with a constant smirk. Cope and Squishy look at the figure with immense shock)
Cope: No way-!
Squishy: Holy Bahesus! Sigma!
(Da-duuuhhh!)
Sigma: (Simply standing) These are the guys responsible for wiping out my men?
Cont: Yes they are, dear Sigma. Yes they are. (To Jedi) To win his support, I had to do for him one simple favor: kill his eternal nemesis, aka X. And of course, I rose to the challenge, and succeeded masterfully.
Cope: You killed X!?
Cont: Yes I did, and it was so mind-numbingly easy, if I do say so myself. Quite a shocker Sigma had yet to take him out after all this time.
Sigma: Watch yer mouth, boy!
Cont: Sorry bout that, Siggy.
Sigma: Don't call me that ever again!
Cont: Chill, chill. Anyways, along with killing his mortal foe, he also insisted on overseeing my operation, and of course I obliged in full. Which is how everything up to this moment was made possible. Thank you, thank you. (Bowing)
Sara: That was very long-winded.
Squishy: X! WHY!
Will: Pipe down. There's nothing we can do now about that.
Cont: That's right! The same way you can't do anything about your impending dooms, either.
Sigma: Hah hah, you got that right.
Cont: Yes I do! With the combined forces of Sigma and moi´, you Jedi are horribly outmatched.
Anna: Ah you can just blow it out yer hole!
Jo: We're just gonna whup you up and down the place like the other times.
Cont: Oh no you won't. I've been thinking this whole thing over for a long while, and I know it won't fail. I have an ace in the hole that will undo you peeps right this instant!
Sylvia: And what, pray tell, is that?
Cont: Hee hee… I'll let Sigma explain this one. Sigma?
Sigma: Assuming you guys are decent gamers, you ought to know how I work. I first appear in a pretty typical form like the one you see before you; nothing that could trouble you, right?
Cont: But the magic comes after you defeat him.
Sigma: Yes, and I'd appreciate it if you didn't interrupt.
Cont: Sorry…
Sigma: Like he said, the real test comes after you destroy this form. My inner power breaks free, rematerializes, and becomes something that greatly overshadows the original form as far as might is concerned.
Cont: In other words: Death unleashes his true power.
Sigma: Exactly. Thus, if you wish to avoid facing a powerful foe, then you shan't kill me.
Cont: Meaning he's untouchable and will be a real pain in the a**! Genius prevails once again!
Will: No!
Squishy: Not good.
Anna: Darn it!
Sigma: The air breathers are already squirming.
Cont: They should be! You, sir, have a unique skill: one reserved mostly for RPG final bosses. A very terrible, effective power. A truly grand power.
Sigma: D**n straight it is.
Cont: A very wondrous power.
Sigma: Uh-huh.
Cont: A power so sought after, and one that I will have the moment I absorb you into my body.
Sigma: Yeah! Wait, wha-?
Cont: Once your death is made certain through the fusion process, I shall inherit your powers and become unstoppable!
Cope: Say what!?
Anna: That's your plan!?
Jo: Absurd!
Sara: Icky…
Sigma: Hey now, what's all this about, Contractor? What do you mean by-?
Cont: You head me right, mannequin! (Getting evil) I, want, you, INSIDE MEEE!
(He juts his left arm at Sigma, which expands and splits horizontally to reveal a nightmarish maw of teeth and tentacles and demonic eyes. Sigma is snagged by some tentacles and is slowly drawn in as he struggles, protesting and trying to grab onto stuff. He starts yelling as he nears the abomination's sinister maw, where it then commences closing and chewing on Sigma to the Jedi's disgust. After a bit, the arm closes up and swallows before returning to normal, followed by Contractor giving a belch)
Will: Now that's… some seriously f**ked-up s**t right there.
(Contractor begins groaning and clutching his stomach as he floats off the throne and above the floor. Light starts emanating from him, then he pulls back and bursts into a huge ball of light, which produces a blinding flash. After it clears, the Jedi behold the great abomination. Standing as tall as the throne, the new creation is basically an über-enlarged version of Sigma's body from MMX4. However, the head has the Contractor's facial features and glasses, but no hair and still sporting a huge dot in its forehead)
Cont: Behold: The fruits of my labor! The end result of genuine design! A grand beauty of fusion between metal and otherworldly flesh! No longer am I the Contractor! Now, I am the ultimate being in all TimeSpace! Feast your eyes upon (Poses): SIGMA-C!
(The screen gets all wavy as captions show his name along with the sub-title "King Fusion Bot Master")
Sylvia: You've got to be joking.
Anna: Typical. Leave it to the Contractor to come up with some kind of crazy-a** plan like this.
Jo: I reckon it's bout time we smacked some sense into that bulbous skull of his.
SC: Go ahead! I dare ya's!
Cope: Gladly! (Tosses saber at his head, but an invisible shield sends it back) What!?
SC: Heh heh! Just the reaction I had predicted! Your sabers can do nothing to me! That's because along with becoming Sigma-C, my immense baldness has given me the renowned title of: TEN-HEAD!
(Screen gets all wavy again with the caption "Oh S**t!")
Will: D**n!
Squishy: Not that!
Sara: Ten-head?
Will: That's the greatest forehead status in the universe. Only the most well-shaven, most insane, most desperate people could ever hope of obtaining it.
SC: Precisely! And my great skin-head creates a glare so great that it forms a protective barrier that's impervious to all attacks! Thus, I am UNTOUCHABLE! Blah ha ha ha ha ha!
Cope: How's that even possible!?
Jo: Don't bother asking, Alex. All absurdities are reality in the Contractor's eyes.
SC: You catch on quick; I like that! Now since I'm feeling immense overconfidence over my new powers, I'll allow you termites to make up some last words to say to me whilst I'm squashing you one by one!
Anna: This is bad, guys…
Will: Yeah. Seems we're truly screwed.
Sara: I can't believe it's gonna end this way: us losing to a bald guy.
Squishy: Maybe it doesn't have to, Sara.
Jo: What are you talking about?
Cope: Another one of your near-Contractor-level hare-brained ideas?
Squishy: I'm afraid so.
Cope: Well keep me out of it.
Squishy: Sorry, Copeland. That's a promise I can never keep.
(Cope curses as Squishy steps before Sigma-C)
SC: Ah, Squishy! I always knew you'd be the first to go! What have you to say?
Squishy: I still one plan left up my robes: a strategy taught by Lord Vidiot himself!
Will: Vidiot?
SC: Vidiot? Ha! Pitiful Jawa! Lord Vidiot was just a plot device used to give you your awesome powers! His relevancy died at the end of the first trilogy, with his bloated carcass carrying over into the second, you moron!
Squishy: Whether he's relevant or not, he still taught me one great technique. One to only be used only in the most dire of situations. A one-time guarantee technique!
Sylvia: Ooooh… Tantalizing.
Sara: Whatever could it be?
SC: Bah! Your technique is bupkiss! You are hopeless before me! Bah ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Squishy: Okay, you asked for it! (To Jedi) Follow my lead!
Anna: Oh god no!
(Squishy reaches into his robes and pulls out a roll of Mentos. He tosses some to the Jedi and pops one himself, causing musical do-do-doing to start)
SC: What the!?
Squishy: It doesn't matter what comes!
Fresh goes better in life...
With Mentos fresh and Full of Life!
(The others join in)
Jo: Nothing gets to you,
Will: Stayin' fresh-
Sara: Stayin' cool!
Anna: With Mentos fresh and full-
Cope: Of-
Sylvia: Life!
All: Fresh goes better! (Pull out wig)
Meeentos freshness! (Toss wig at SC)
Fresh goes better with (Wig plants onto SC's head)
Meeentos fresh and (SC sparks, kneels)
Full of Life! (Robo Chris Head appears)
RCH: Mentos: Da Freshmaker! (Explodes)
SC: What? How!? Preposterous! What have you done!? How is it possible!?
Squishy: Never underestimate the morale-boosting potential that is Swedish-inspired advertising! Our upbeat thinking and singing has led you to being stripped of the coveted Ten-Head!
Will: And from the looks of things, it seems you've been downgraded to a more-than-manageable two-head.
SC: VAS!?
(Stands up, revealing that his wig is long enough to nearly touch his eyebrows)
SC: AAAAH! This is a Beatle's doo! NOOOOO! You b**ch b*****ds have RUINED MY IMAGE! I'M IMPURE!
Cope: Oh calm down already. You'll live.
Anna: Besides, that actually makes you look decent.
Sylvia: For sure.
SC: You talking meat statues know nothing of ULTIMATE HAIR FASHION! My one chance for Sexy bad-a**ery is OVER! I'LL KILL YOU! I'LL FORKIN' KILL YOU All!
Jo: Well bring it on, "Ringo Starr".
SC: RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!
(They fight to "Sigma 2nd" from MMX4. SC lumbers about, making great swipes and slams with his arms, but the Jedi are too quick for those. Then he unleashes freakin' laser beams and detaches his hands as missiles. The Jedi dodge and leap while slashing parts of SC's body, resulting in loud complaints from the raging tyrant. At one point, he manages to grab Sylvia by a leg, swing her around and toss her at a wall. But she recovers, springs back off the wall and hits SC in the cheek with a high-velocity kick that leaves a nasty dent and tear)
SC: Uhhhhhhhh! You can never beat me! I'VE ONLY JUST BEGUN!
(He electrifies himself so that he's lethal to the touch. After some more swinging and lightning shots, he punches his throne tower, which sends electricity flaring all over his body. He starts smoking and kneels huffing)
Sylvia: Squishy! Do it!
Squishy: Okay!
(He leaps onto SC's face and starts to stab the do in the center of his head with his saber, where an X button icon appears and shows itself being rapidly tapped)
Squishy: This is for Duff! (Stab) This is for X! (Stab) This is for Chris! (Stab) For Ackbar! (Stab) The kids! (Stab) Steezy! (Stab) Sylvia! (Stab) And for everything you did that screwed us over!
(Stab. He leaps down to SC's right arm and starts pulling. With immense crackle and protest he tears it off, with SC wailing)
Squishy: Anna! Power up!
Anna: Gotcha!
(She fires lightning onto the torn arm, making it glow and whir with energy. Squishy then leaps up, holding the arm back when nearing SC's ever horror-growing face)
Squishy: Here's A Message From Keiji Inafune!
(He swings the arm, whose outstretched hand slaps SC with immense electrical force. All is still for a bit before SC starts blinking with light, then bursts into multiple explosions that slowly white out the screen. Then there's one final blast before all goes white and silent. When it clears, we see the Jedi standing before the smoldering wreckage of the SC. The only things discernible out of the mess is half an arm, the shoulders and the head, which now has half a metallic skull revealed. The Jedi are exhausted)
Jo: (Huff, huff, huff, huff) D**n! (Huff, huff, huff)
Anna: Remind me not to complain about lack of action for another month, guys. (Huff, huff, huff)
Wll: But at least it's over. It's finally over… (Huff, huff)
Cope: Whopee…
SC's Head: ….Well done, Jedi. You have defeated me... In a most…spectacular manner... at that…. I'm proud of my creations, once again...
Squishy: Yeah, well… Don't go doubting our skills from now on! (Falls to floor panting)
SCH: However… You are still my enemies…Plus… I'm a pretty sore loser with these things...
Sara: Whatcha gonna do: Cry about it?
SCH: No… Rather, I find it in my best interest to… take you guys…down….. WITH ME!
(Opens mouth, where a huge energy ball emanates then fires. Cope steps forward and deflects it, but it hits the backdrop, making it fall back to reveal nothingness. Then a huge wind vortex hits the group)
Cope: What the hello!?
Squishy: I wondered what was back there!
(The Jedi and SC get sucked into the howling darkness, swirling and yelling before all goes quiet and dark. Then there's a steady beat of an electronic heartbeat. Short flashes that follows the beat shows the Jedi sleeping, then slowly waking up while lines of computer coding can occasionally be seen going across the screen. Then the Jedi fully appear, floating and then standing amidst the eternal darkness while some more coding flies about)
Sylvia: What is this place?
?: This place you're standing in, dear she-thing, is the Internet: The information superhighway. It is here, foolish mortals, that my strength-
(There's a rumbling, then rising into view is a nasty sight. A being with eight long, very thick tentacles made of wires and metal and, worst yet, the thing holding the tentacles is the restored head of Sigma-C)
SC: Shall be born ANEW!
(Screen's all wavy again. Anna falls onto her butt while still looking)
Anna: What did we ever do to deserve this?
SC: Plenty, my dear. Plenty. And there will be no escape from your sentence, because here on the Net, flesh is useless, but machines are king. You now have before you the one true perpetual enemy: The World Wide Machina!
Will: He's right! No one can destroy the Internet unless every single computer in the universe is smashed, and even that's uncertain.
Jo: If Contractor is one with the Internet, then all is truly lost…
Sylvia: Hold me, Squishy.
SC: Yes, that just about sums up your immediate future. Now I would like to thank young Alexander Copeland for breaking the 4th wall and making this event possible. I'll be sure to make your death quick.
Jedi: Alex!
Cope: Whatever… We're all gonna die, anyway.
SC: Now, Jedi, begins your eternal torture under my grasp here in the great Binary Ocean. So think happy thoughts, cuz this is gonna hur-
(An energy ball hits SC in the face, interrupting him)
SC: What!?
(Leaping into the open Mega Man Battle Network music is Mega )
MMEXE: You'll do no such thing, you freak!
(A slash hits SC, and Proto joins MMEXE)
PMEXE: That's right. No users shall be harmed while we're around.
Squishy: Holy crap! You guys!
Sara: What's going on?
SC: Ech! Bloody Navis! I should have deleted you while setting up my battle net!
MMEXE: Well, you didn't, and now we're here to kick your digitized butt!
PMEXE: No virus can withstand my blade, so you best say your prayers!
SC: Cocky little worms!
PMEXE: (To Jedi) You users alright?
Jo: We're fine, though immensely confused.
Will: Who are you?
PMEXE: No time to explain! You've got to get out of here, pronto!
Anna: But how? We're in the middle of freakin' nowhere!
MMEXE: There's a terminal some ways back. It should take you back to your world somewhere.
Sara: What about you?
MMEXE: We'll keep this thing back and take it out. He's no match for the both of us. Right, Proto Man?
PMEXE: But of course!
Will: Wow… You're willing to endanger yourselves for us?
PMEXE: Can't help it; it's in our programming. Now get out of here already!
Jo: Right! Okay everyone, last one out is a rotten egg!
(They run off. Squishy hangs back a bit)
Squishy: Thanks again. And sorry for criticizing your repetitive gameplay.
MMEXE: No prob. Now go!
(Squishy leaves. The Navis and SC start circling each other)
SC: I have to give you two credit; it takes much electro balls to take on an unknown virus, though it's highly unwise.
MMEXE: Whatever. You don't look any different than any other corrupt file to me.
SC: Maybe, but I have one thing no other virus has.
PMEXE: And what's that?
SC: Why, the ability to manipulate SPAM!
(Tentacles stick out and shake as pop-ups start flooding the place)
MMEXE: What the he-!?
(Both Navis get swamped by ads. Meanwhile, onboard the bridge of the Home One, Ackbar, Chris, Steezy and the kids are just standing around with anxiety)
Tech. Off.: What could be keeping the Jedi for so long?
Ackbar: All we can do for now is just wait, old chum.
Steezy: But for how much longer?
(A nearby computer console lights up yelling the message "Mail Muthaf**a!")
Chris: Finally; something interesting for a change.
(Goes over to the console and clicks the screen. It starts rippling with light)
Chris: That's weird…
(Then popping out with static come the Jedi, rolling back into reality, where they lie sprawled on different parts of the floor before the stunned look of the others)
Ackbar: Jedi!?
Steezy: Sis!?
Kids: Mom! Dad! You're back!
(They rush over and hug the two)
Squishy: Hey, guys .Good to see you, too.
Ackbar: What're you doing here? What of the Contractor?
Tech. Off: And how exactly did you get here through the General's computer?
Jo: It's a long story. Really long.
Chris: (A bit hesitant) Uh, yeah… Say, while you were in my computer, did you happen to see the contents of a certain .exe file?
Will: No. We just went straight through.
Chris: (Relieved) Oh thank god.
(Suddenly all console screens start flashing red)
Tech. Off: What's this?
Voice: Warning! Warning! Content Overload! Dumping Excess SPAM Files!
(The screens then start shooting out torrents of canned SPAM into the bridge, hitting people. The sudden explosion of preserved goodness pins the Jedi and the others against the back wall)
Ackbar: What is this!?
Steezy: SPAM? What the heck!?
Chris: Pork! And salty, just the way I like it!
(The bridge continues to fill with SPAM)
Cope: I can't see anything!
Tech. Off.: This is bad! If the bridge keeps taking on SPAM, then this ship's gonna sink back down onto the planet!
Anna: Of all twists, death by SPAM had to have been the least likely!
Squshy: Heife!
(Meanwhile in cyberspace, nearly everything is covered in pop-up ads, and more keep coming. SC can still be seen wiggling madly)
SC: Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha! Soon, every single facility containing a terminal of any type shall be flooded with SPAM, thus heralding the utter end of civilization as we know it! Mwah Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!
(Nearby, we can barely see bits of the two Navis buried beneath growing piles of pop-ups)
PMEXE: Ugh… Hey, Mega Man, can you move?
MMEXE: No. You?
PMEXE: Nope. I'm getting crushed.
MMEXE: I just can't believe it. Soon we're gonna get deleted, and all these pop-ups are going to overload the Net.
PMEXE: There's still one thing we can do: We can begin our destruct sequences. If both of us go off, it should be more than enough to take out that virus and clear up some of these pop-ups.
MMEXE: I guess we have no other choice. The real world must be saved.
PMEXE: Mega Man, before we go out, I just wanna say that, though me and my user have been bitter a**-holes to you and Lan in the past… I have always thought of you as a good friend.
MMEXE: Same here, and I'm sure Chaud would agree with you.
PMEXE: Yeah… Well, here goes.
(Some blinking noises are made then the two Navis start glowing)
MMEXE: I love you, man!
(Things get über bright as SC stops wiggling long enough to notice with a shocked expression before being blinded out by light. In the real world, all the consoles flash intensely white, then return to normal, stopping the SPAM flood. Much of the bridge is covered in piles of the cans)
Will: (Pushing out of cans) Is it over?
(Other people start crawling out of the cans)
Anna: Daylight!
Squishy: Alive! I am a-LIIIIVE!
Cope: Calm down, you fool!
Chris: You know, considering that I was nearly killed by processed pork, rabbi doesn't sound too shabby a fallback career option.
Ackbar: Speaking of which, what happened to the SPAM?
Tech. Off: The oddest thing… The monitors flared, and then it stopped coming.
(Looking at the screens, we see dancing emoticons showing all systems a-okay with no SPAM presence)
Jo: What do you know, those little dudes actually did it.
Steezy: What dudes?
Squishy: Two key characters from a Mega Man spin-off franchise. They were the ones who showed us out of the Web.
Ackbar: Meaning they are heroes for stopping the SPAM… Are they anywhere online, Officer?
Tech. Off: Checking. (Some time) Just dust and echoes. Also, there's traces of an unexplainable anomaly at the core of the SPAM infestation.
Sylvia: That has to have been the Contractor when he fused with the net.
Cope: Needless to say, I'd wager those two self-destructed in order to stop the Contractor and what seems to have been his SPAM.
Ackbar: Meaning we also owe these two for killing the Contractor. (Sigh) I've seen too many dead heroes in my time, and this war has only added more to that list...
Chris: So in an act of respect, I think it most appropriate that we have a moment of silence for those who have fallen in this conflict.
Jo: Well put, Chris. Bow your heads, guys.
(They all bow their heads solemnly. Will, thinking of something, reaches into his robe and pulls out Duff's chip)
Will: Wait, I just remembered this.
Steezy: What's that?
Will: It was a chip that I got from Duff back in that tower.
Ackbar: Duff?
Jo: Duff McWhalan. The enemy's naval commander.
Ackbar: Naval commander? I thought you killed him.
Sara: We did, but he came back because of some Mega Man rule. He helped us fight some other robots before he got killed again.
Squishy: He then offered us his brain chip. It was strange; he kept talking about maintaining honor and respect in combat. It was if he had his own agenda that would follow those beliefs, no matter his orders or his position.
Chris: Sounds like he was quite the soldier; an officer nearly as cool as me.
Will: Before he died, he said that if we rebuilt him using this chip, he could bring back more of his buddies to help us.
Tech. Off: May I see that chip?
(Will hands over chip. Tech. Off. goes over to a console and uploads chip)
Tech Off: Hack hack hack… Here we go. Check this out, fellas.
(They come over)
Anna: Whatcha got?
Tech. Off: It's amazing. This one chip not only holds Duff's information, but data on every other Mega Man unit that was in battle. Parts, schematics, even AI back-ups. He's got everyone of them on mental record.
Cope: So if Duff can rebuild them…
(Realization hits group)
Squishy: Do you guys know what this means?
Tech. Off: Let's see: 8 Mega Man games, 8 MMX games-
Squishy: It means a crapload of new recruits, that's what!
Sylvia: Squishy! Children!
Squishy: Sorry, but still: Yippeee!
Will: A whole bunch of special soldiers for the Republic!
Sara: We can bring Duff and his friends back!
Anna: And with Duff's leadership and common sense, we'll only get the really awesome, competent robots!
Jo: (To bridge personnel) Listen up, gents: The war is over and the spoils go to us! We did it!
(Cheers go up around the bridge as confetti pops around the place)
Ackbar: This calls for celebration!
Cope: Not just for the war ending, but for the reclamation of Mon Calamari back into Republic hands, and the return of its people!
Chris: And I know just how we can celebrate. Following the traditions of cheap and convenient fun, there is only one party perfect for this, and it shall be: SPAM PARTY!
(Even more cheers go around)
Chris: So start opening cans, light a grill, grab the utensils, and bust out the buns and condiments! I'm off to put a special "something" in the air ventilation.
Everyone: HOORAAAY!
(Chris runs off. In a corridor, he stops at a communicator and an air duct. He picks up the communicator and punches some numbers)
Chris: To all ships loaded with SPAM: Take your enemy's vittles and stuff your faces, cuz you all deserve it! Now party down and follow us back to home, and shore leave!
(Hangs up. He then takes out a large bag of hash, lights it, tosses it into the air duct, and hurries back. At the place fills with smoke, Parrot Bay commercial music starts playing as Home One begins bumping to the beat. It is followed by the rest of the fleet, which is also bumping in synch with the hip Bahamian beat. Soon all goes black and silent)